Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

If he told you that you only said No quietly, he still heard it.

I'm so sorry this happened to you

Breathe love, you don't have to make any decisions now. Make sure he knows you need and let's you have space.

He has raped you though. Don't minimise but don't be rushed into how you respond by him.

Big hug x

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly.

What Trb17 says. He said you were quiet so he heard you.

He then decided to ignore what he heard and carry on a sex act you said not to.

You don't want to hear it but that is rape.

And he knows it. Hence his comments.

Please phone someone for help. A rape crisis line or something. Don't bottle this up inside.

I'm sure I didn't say it quietly. I know he heard it because he answered me back each time with a 'come on, maybe just see...' etc.

I've posted on here before under a different username about dp being a bit controlling and over jealous etc. We broke up for a while and he has been uber nice since then. This has completely thrown me.

I can't stop crying.

I've had another text saying he thought I was up for it as we'd just done it before. I can't bring myself to answer.

Can you respond that 'yes it was rape, not just a mistake'? Even if you aren't calling the police on him you need to be really really clear that yes, it was rape, and that is the situation you two move on from. It sounds like he's already convinced himself it wasn't. But it was. And you can't move on with any kind of agreement from where you know he raped you and he thinks you just had a disagreement.

He's a shit. He knows what he did was wrong, which is why he made that comment afterwards. It's designed to manipulate you into saying "no, it's fine of course you didn't rape me etc etc" so that that then becomes the reality. It's complicated to explain but basically trying to manipulate you into gas lighting yourself. And I think most people reading the thread title would have a reasonably good idea of what the thread was going to be about, so I don't think you need to apologies for being triggering. Also, don't feel like you should apologize for having to go into detail, one of the reason why it is so hard for people to talk about sexual violence is because there is a huge taboo around discussing sexual acts (and it's much much harder when they are non-consensual) but its impossible to talk about these sorts of crimes without naming them.

You're not overreacting, you are just reacting.

You said no. Whether he tells you it was quietly or not, he still heard. No means no.

Take time to process how you are feeling, you do not need to minimise or make him feel better. A 'mistake' is putting sugar in your tea when you didn't ask for any, not continuing a sexual act after youve said no. Focus on yourself, ask him to sleep on the couch to give you some time.

I don't want to talk to him at all right now.

I can hear him slamming about down there, god knows what's going on.

I've locked the bedroom door, first time over ever done that in four years of living here.

Oh you poor love. I'm not surprised you're shocked and upset. He was very wrong to have done that. Keep posting.

So sorry to read this. Yes, rape. He heard you say no, no matter how quietly continued. His quick fix was worth more to him in that moment than you or what you wanted. My heart breaks for you, but you need to seriously think about this.
Look at the cup of tea and consent message on youtube.

You are going to need ypur own space to come to terms with everything. If he had any sense he would leave. However, he obviously doesn't have any sense because he just raped you and clearly heard you say no.

Do you have any RL support you could contact?

You don't have to talk to him. Take some time to look after you. Is there anything you could do that would be calming or comforting?

You're not overreacting no, you're in shock and understandably so. The most important thing for now is that you feel safe, do you need to leave or make him leave for that to be the case? You might feel that's too 'dramatic' (very common to feel you don't want to 'make a fuss', especially when it's someone close to you) but your safety and peace of mind is more important right now. He knows he's done something terrible, the fact that he said you 'only said no quietly' means he knows you said no and that yes, it was rape. I'm so sorry

A bit off the subject but I once had a bf that seemed to be into anal. I don't do anal at all and he was pestering me and tried to convince me to do it EVERY time we had sex. It was getting on my nerves. We split up,not for this reason but thinking back Id probably leave him anyway because I wouldn't be able to tolerate those advances much longer.
It's awful what happened to you and him being scared shows he knew he forced it.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. This is rape, unequivocally.

he will try to tell you it's not. He will be super nice and convince you that you mislead him, said yes, he didn't hear. You have to shut that out. He raped you and he knows he did (please keep the texts he sent you)

Please stay strong and do not doubt yourself. Re-read what you have posted here if self-doubt creeps in.

I haven't heard of that cup of tea thing, I will have a look.

I'm crying but feel quite numb at the same time.

It feels wrong to call it rape. Ive got that stereotype image in my head when I think that, screaming, kicking, dark alley etc. Completely stupid I know.

I keep thinking about it, re-running it. I can't get over the fact I just froze. I'm usually quite feisty, I don't understand.

you said NO, he heard you say NO he carried on regardless= rape !
And he knows this.

Freezing is a very common response, it's absolutely normal. It's an evolutionarily adaptive mechanism for avoiding (worse) injury when overpowered by somebody stronger

He's massively overcompensating now with the texts because HE KNOWS he's just been an absolute cunt. He heard you say No. No means no. Every time. Doesn't matter whether you'd said yes two minutes before. No means stop.

Has he tried to come into the bedroom? Have you made it clear (apart from the locked door) he is not to come in. Is DD safe?

I suspect this isn't helpful but I feel very angry on your behalf. It would be entirely appropriate for you to insist he leaves at this point if that would make things easier for you. And that calling the police thing - you'll think that one over. He will find out in due course.

this was all about HIM.... he wanted anal 'again' and took it...

he violated you Lady.. and he knows it...

Obviously I mean as in safe she can get to you and doesn't overhear any arguing. Of course I'm not suggesting she is unsafe round him.

I posted a while ago in aibu, search the thread - anal sex there was some really good advice. I'm so sorry, I hope you're ok.

Whether you want to call the police or not is very much your decision. He knows you said no.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Are you able to leave for the night if he won't?

You need some distance to recover from the shock and then think about what you want to happen next, that could be the police, that could be marriage counselling, that could be separation even if only for a short time.

You have been raped, he heard you say no and he knows it. You need to recover and decide what you want to happen next.

From your OP.

You said NO.
He heard you.
He was behind you and kept trying.
You said NO twice more.
He carried on.

That's rape.

And he knows it.

Cup of tea/Consent video