Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

Dd and ds are both in the room with me (and the cat now too, nearly jumped out my skin when he started scratching the door - he never usually comes up here)

I don't think he'll try the door again, it should be pretty obvious I'm not answering or unlocking it any time soon.

Do you feel scared right this moment?
If so then please call the police, they will not think you are wasting their time I promise you.

If you don't feel scared enough for the police just yet then can you call a friend or family member to come over?

Or if you feel ok for now then you could just cuddle up with DD and watch something to take your mind off things the best you can and try to relax and rest as much as you possibly can for tonight.

You do have options please don't feel trapped by the situation.

Remember you can phone the police at any point and they will not think you a time waster.

A pp raised a good point, what of the morning? Will he go to work? Or will he be there then?

I hope you are ok.

rapecrisis.org.uk/ifyouvejustbeenraped.php

Might this help?

He'll be here but he isn't an early riser and is a solid sleeper, it should be pretty easy to leave unnoticed.

I had a very similar experience with my ex. He gradually became more controlling, aggressive and violent as our relationship went on and in hindsight I'm shocked that I stayed with him for so long.

The first time he got so emotional that I was convinced he hadn't heard me. The second time I was angry and upset and he slammed about in the living room while I cried... For some unknown reason I didn't even mention it the next day. The final time was the last time I saw him and it culminated in him pinning me against a door and then launching me across the room onto the floor. He left the house in a rage and I locked him out. He came back, banging on the door and yelling at me but I had already called my mum by this point.

Once I'd said it out loud, there was no going back and I am so glad I made that call because I dread to think what would have happened if I'd let it go again.

I don't really have anyone else I could call at this time.

You're right, objectively it's clear cut. It's such a fog though. I can't believe he could ever do anything like that/this.

It really is making me feel stupid. I know how I'd tell anyone else to behave right now.

Stay safe.

And don't for a second think 'he will be angry if I call the police!' Or anything like that.
Your a victim, he will blame you cos that's what they do. But this is NOT your fault. He is in the wrong.

The cat will be able to sense the emotional disturbance in you and looking in its cat like way to make things better, or at least to ensure that it's human is doing ok.

But, you should not need to be locked in and hiding in the bedroom of your own house with him downstairs. Do you have someone you can ask to get him to leave?

How old are the kids?

So sorry to hear about this OP. Echoing other comments that if you are in any way worried about DP being there tonight you should call the police.

I'd feel like I was wasting time if I called 999.

You wouldn't be wasting their time, but if you really can't bring yourself to call 999 then 101, that's what it is there for.

What an awful thing to happen to you. He heard you hadn't consented but he penetrated you with his penis despite that. That is pretty much the UK defenition of rape.

I agree the banging around is an attempt to draw you out of the locked room so he can begin to convince you that he is right and you are wrong.

I can understand your reluctance to call 999 - it will make things very real and very serious instantly and there will be no going back from that whatever happens. You could ring this helpline and see what they advise as a middle ground so you aren't on your own coping with this awful situation.

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

Keep talking op!

We are all here for you, all night if needs be.
Keep strong even if just for tonight, if you feel threatened please call 999.
Sending you lots and lots of love xx

I know this sounds stupid but I'd feel like I was wasting time if I called 999

You're not!!! I'm saying this with my work head on. I'm a police despatcher if u got a call from someone who'd been raped and was now scared and locked in a bedroom while her attacker banged about downstairs you'd get a priority response. I'd cancel someone from another call to ensure you got assistance. Don't hesitate to call. You're not wasting anyone's time. You're the victim of a crime x

waryandbored I think that is it.

I know that once I say it out loud to another person it can never be put back in. I don't know why that's scary but it is.

You're not stupid you've just had something very destabilising happen to you. You are shocked and numbness is the way the mind protects itself from that.
If you don't feel confident of your safety right now you can get help.
Everything else can wait.

Ring the police OP and get them to get him out of your house.

Well a bit of the old A can be great but only if your both up for it you were and then you were sore and that's not surprising it wasn't designed for that purpose if he was anything of a decent man he'd have thought well OK we had a bit of fun now shes sore and that's that stop. carry on with the normal sex and if shes OK with that then fine but he's now abused you and no wonder your in a state.

But i can't help feeling that this is just the tip of an iceberg you split before and are back together and he treats you like this that's not on, no way.

If you do really feel threatened then call 101 now and tell them the situation he has a serious problem there if hes banging doors and the like I really think you ought to be apart again and this time stay apart.

My tuppence worth anyway. Sorry.

I'm sorry this has happened to op you must be in shock especially with some one you trusted. If you do not feel safe in the house then please ring the police, taxi or a friend. Maybe see if a close friend/relative is awake on FB and message them?? Definitely go to the self referral centre though he has crossed a line you know it and he knows it and I doubt your marriage will be the same after this you will never ever be able to look at him in the same way again. Take care op x

Azerothian It was scary for me too. There were other, non-sexual, incidents where I'd left the house and was on my way to my mum's or had her number ready to call but I never managed it. I had justified in my head in some crazy, manipulated way without him even needing to say anything half the time.

I hope you find the strength to tell someone. You shouldn't have to deal with this alone.

Lock your door and make sure he can't get to you sweetie.

If you feel at all threatened tonight then call the police. Leave him tomorrow if possible. Don't even consider staying with a rapist. Call the police if you feel strong enough. Much love.

Remember it is not your fault

It takes a huge amount of courage and strength just to post on an anonymous forum, that is the first step to overcoming this trauma.

Remember right now, you need to take care of yourself, you are in control. You can tell him to leave, you can choose if you want to call someone, you can browse the internet for silly cat videos, you can try and pee on his car if it is close enough to the house.

You will be numb for sometime, until your body can process it, until your mind can come to terms with the fact that the person that you love and trust has violated you like this.

You will get angry, uncontrollably so, you will get upset, you might flinch at the smallest contact behind you and that might never stop.

You will heal, both physically and more slowly mentally.

Please call the police. I feel scared for you and worry that if you leave it overnight you (or he) will talk yourself into thinking it's ok.

It's not ok.

I speak from experience and wish I hadn't have let myself think it was ok.