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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

992 replies

Azerothian · 18/08/2017 22:34

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

OP posts:
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NorthernLurker · 18/08/2017 23:02

He was assaulting you. That's why you froze. Something was happening that you couldn't control and that was an act of violence towards you. Freezing is a way of protecting yourself in the face of a horrible situation. If you read other women's accounts of rape you will find many describe 'freezing' too. Don't reproach yourself for that. You said no, he heard you, he carried on assaulting you, he's acknowledged what he did because he asked was it rape. In fact he knows it was because he was the one perpetrating the rape.

Do you feel safe just now?

You don't need to decide what happens next right now. You have lots of options. There are two things you do need to do though, first of all you need to be safe tonight and if you think you may not be then either get out of the house or call somebody you trust to help you. Secondly you mention pain as a result of the penetration. If you feel you've suffered injuries as a result you really need to go and see a medical professional tomorrow. Don't wait because if he has caused you some internal injury, the sooner you get help the better.

ZippyCameBack · 18/08/2017 23:04

It isn't uncommon for women who have been raped to not want to call it by its name. Rape happens to other people. It took me 2 days to realise that it had happened to me too. And another three days to stop crying.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

Original poster
Azerothian · 18/08/2017 23:04

I cosleep so dd is in the room with me.

I've just watched the tea thing and it makes complete sense, it's not hard is it!

I want to feel angry, I feel like if I can do that I'll feel better. I'm struggling to feel anything.

And I've got a stupid voice on my head saying 'it was only a minute, you were doing it before' ffs I'm more annoyed at myself than at him. How fucked up is that?

Everything is just all over the place.

I heard him come up a moment ago, tried the door then went back down. I intended to tell him to leave when I heard him come up but just didn't.

OP posts:
chips4teaplease · 18/08/2017 23:05

Do you want to stay with a man who raped you? If you do, he will do it again. He's 'sorry' now so that you don't call the police.

Karmin · 18/08/2017 23:06

I think you may be in too much shock to be able to get angry yet.

blankface · 18/08/2017 23:08

You're in shock, you've been raped, that's why you can't "make sense" of things including your own feelings.

Take as long as you need to get to a place where you feel like you're "you" again, it can take quite a while for some women. Flowers

Original poster
Azerothian · 18/08/2017 23:08

I am in pain yes. I'm trying to distract myself from it watching old comedy videos on here but it's like a toothache iyswim.

I'm deciding whether to call my mum or not. I know she'd come, but she's not in the best of health at the minute.

OP posts:
KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 18/08/2017 23:08

He's frightened, as well he might be. His life could become really quite unpleasant now as a result of this, and he knows it. Whether you choose that course is up to you. But I would second what a pp said regarding getting prompt medical attention if you are in pain.

SnowiestMountain · 18/08/2017 23:10

Oh OP, how awful, yes it's rape, yes he knows it, and I suspect the texts etc are because he's panicking because he knows what could happen to him. Flowers

NorthernLurker · 18/08/2017 23:10

It's ok that you didn't tell him to go. The locked door makes it clear you don't want him in the room and tbh talking to him could inflame the situation more. Presumably you've got a phone in the room with you? I would try and sleep if you can and then make some decisions in the morning.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 18/08/2017 23:11

Azerothian you're numb because you're very shocked. Is there anything you can do as a sort of first aid that would be a little bit soothing or comforting? Even really simple things like wrapping yourself up in a blanket or looking at photos of your DD or ringing a close friend for a chat?

Karmin · 18/08/2017 23:11

Being married/in a relationship doesn’t change the social rules. Just because a woman said “I do” to marriage or a relationship doesn’t mean that she has said “I do” to sex whenever, wherever, and however her husband/partner wants it. Relationship sex, like all intimate, loving sex is consensual. It is a way that two people who love each other express love and caring and communicate tenderness.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 18/08/2017 23:12

Cross-post, comedy videos sounds really good

Original poster
Azerothian · 18/08/2017 23:15

I have my phone in the room, it's what I'm on now.

I've just googled and come across a centre in my town. They say you can self refer for an examination to check for injuries etc, get medical help and can make the decision to report or not later on.

That seems like a lot less scary first step than going to the police.

I might get up early and take the dcs to mum and see if I can get in there.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 18/08/2017 23:16

He sounds vile. You didn't want to participate in this act and he took no notice of your wishes. Nobody should have to endure this. Whether or not you report it is up to you. But I'd certainly end the relationship.

notapizzaeater · 18/08/2017 23:16

Just because you'd consented to it earlier doesn't mean you can't take the consent away as you did. hope you get some sleep

SnowiestMountain · 18/08/2017 23:17

That sounds like a good plan OP

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 18/08/2017 23:17

That sounds like an excellent plan.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 18/08/2017 23:18

Good plan OP Star

GettingScaredNow · 18/08/2017 23:19

So so sorry for you.
This is a surreal process your in.
It goes in stages. It's a fog for a while.

Who's name is the house in? Can you kick him out if you want him gone?

Think about calling 101. Because trust me, the sooner this is on record the better for you.

I'm so sorry he did that. What a cunt. He knew. He raped you. My ex husband raped me similarly more times then I can count. It's hell for a while. Stay strong.

Karmin · 18/08/2017 23:19

I would, can I ask is it a SARC, Sexual Assault & Rape Crisis Centre. If so the people who work in them are very understanding and kind, they can offer you the option of a forensic examination by a specially trained doctor to preserve evidence should you decide later to go to the police and fully explain your options. They can also put you in touch with specially trained counsellors who can help heal the mental pain from this.

You will get through this.

OrangeButton · 18/08/2017 23:20

Great plan OP. And don't tell him anything. And keep the door locked, not least so you have peace of mind.

And I'm adding to the chorus of he raped you. But I'll say he wasn't being a cunt (they don't rape) or a dick (almost, but not quite right), he was being a rapist.

MammaTJ · 18/08/2017 23:20

Keep the text, that is essential evidence! You have been raped, please don't let your head or him tell you otherwise, you were forced into a sex act that you said no to, that is rape!

Original poster
Azerothian · 18/08/2017 23:20

Thank you, I don't think I'll be getting much sleep.

I feel so stupid, I'm really trying to get myself worked up to angry but it's just not working. I'm worried it will be too easy to ignore it in the daylight.

Right now I don't want that to happen. I'll re-read this thread in the morning.

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 18/08/2017 23:21

That centre sounds like a good plan. If that doesn't work out then go to a and e. They will have seen women who've had this sort of assault before, it won't shock them and they will help you.

You probably know this already but don't tell him where you are going. If your mums not in great health then you can say you've had a text from her which is why you and the kids are going out?