"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's August 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - Aug 2017
Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

lou it does sound as though your M was an enabler, or codependent. In other words, she should have prevented your F’s abuse but she didn’t, because in some way she was getting her kicks out of being needed by him. Try googling ‘codependency’, or I found the book ‘Codependency for Dummies’ really useful. (My M was codependent too, although in my case it’s my F who is now dead, and he wasn’t as overtly abusive as yours sounds. With him it was a prescription drug addiction linked to mental health problems.)

I agree with what everyone else has said about retraumatising and therapy. I’m sorry you are having to deal with all this.

purdy there are guidelines at the start of this thread about how on here we NEVER minimise what other people have gone through with their families. If in your post you were minimising your own abuse, it would probably really help you to tell more. If you were minimising what has happened to other people, this isn’t the thread for you.

Retraumatising.. at least a therapist should be able to support you out of it? Whereas reading and processing on your own, there is perhaps a greater risk of getting stuck, going in circles and taking longer to figure out the next step.

Saying hello & marking my place. I've started therapy and am struggling a bit with all the misery being dragged up.

I need to sort some therapy to unpack my head.

My experience isn't like many of you, for whom I want to cry. My parents are loving, and kind and well intentioned....it's led to problems but I cannot doubt their motives.

The sibling relationships are far more complex though.

Hey there. I haven't posted in a while but just needed some reassurance that I'm not nuts. I mentioned to my mother this evening that I'm considering moving to another town at some point before DD gets a school place (she's currently under 2 so it's not going to be immediate). I grew up in this (very small) town and so I know the pros and cons for kids growing up there, and I want to consider other options. Anyway, my mother kicked off big-time about how cruel and selfish I am, how I'm doing this out of spite and jealousy because I'm envious of her relationship with DD, how she and her partner are DD's "security", and again about how selfish and cruel I am and she can't believe how badly I behave. I said I'm not considering moving far, and she said any distance that would need a car is too much because one day she won't be able to drive and then she wouldn't be able to see her grandchild every day. Objectively, I'm pretty sure she's a total control freak and I shouldn't feel guilty about not wanting to live within five minutes of my parents forever, but the other part of me feels like dirt and feels that I deserve to die for being a spiteful, jealous, worthless bitch. Any thoughts?

You are none of those things. Your mother is a disgrace.
Unlike her you are a good parent, weighing up what's best for your DD.

Hello everyone. Huge long time lurker on these threads, can I join?

Here’s my situation: only child of loving parents. They were young when they had me but really tried their best. We were poor but had a happy life. The problem was: they were both alcoholics. Functioning, but alcoholics. Both of them had alcoholic parents.

My dad went straight to the pub after work. Came home. Pushed some food around his plate. Then went back to the pub.
My mum drank at least half a bottle of vodka a night, she started when she got home at 4 and was usually in bed passed out by 9.
Neither of them ever missed a day’s work and I was always clothed and fed and the house was perfect. We all functioned ‘normally.’

But I had to hide this from friends if they visited as I knew it wasn’t right and was embarrassed about it. As I got older I tried to broach it but was too scared. I used to print out the alcohol guidelines and stick them to booze in the fridge so they would see them.

So they knew I had issues with the drinking but they were never, ever discussed. And to all intents and purposes life was normal, I had lots of friends, did well at school, headed off to uni. I’m now married with a DD, have a great life, a very successful career and run my own business.

A few years ago my dad tried to stop drinking, when visiting relatives. He is such an addict that this abrupt halt to his consumption meant that he had fits and had to be hospitalized – to this day I don’t know how this was explained to the family.

I’m now an expat and I live a long way away from my parents, but they visit, a couple of times a year, for weeks at a time. Since we had DD they are very insistent about this…..I dread these visits. My dad claims to be completely tee-total – he doesn’t do AA and I don’t know how he has managed this. My mum still drinks in front of him when they visit, which I find very uncomfortable.

I have a few issues with drinking myself and worry about it being hereditary, so have to really keep an eye on myself and abstain.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to say or achieve or even ask, just that their next visit is in November and I’m dreading it. I have vivid dreams where I confront my parents about their drinking and get very angry. I can’t ever imagine doing this in person or what it would achieve…I can distance myself a lot from them usually as I live so far away, but when they are in my house, it all comes flooding back and I find it incredibly stressful.

I can’t tell you how good it feels to write this down, I have never, ever told anyone this in real life (I’m 41). Thank you if anyone was listening.

Hi Sober

Welcome.

The book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward has a chapter in it on alcoholic parents. If you haven't already read this book I would suggest you do so with particular reference to that chapter.

Am not at all surprised your parents grew up with alcoholic parents themselves; alcoholism can run in families and it can also be learnt behaviour. Your life growing up with them was not normal although it was dressed up in a level of respectability. It was a chaotic atmosphere and firefighting at home.

Denial is rife in your family of origin and giving up alcohol without outside support is nigh on impossible (although my dad did stop drinking due to health concerns - but only after many years and of his own accord). Any attempts by my mother to make him stop drinking all failed which is not surprising really either. Your parents likely still drink and enable each other's drinking behaviours. I note your mother still drinks alcohol in front of him as well which will not at all help him with any recovery.

Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy and am also not surprised it was never discussed; it remains the elephant in the room.

Do they simply tell you that they are going to turn up at yours?.

Re yourself I would cancel their November visit (and all subsequent visits) and cite illness, it being not convenient due to work patterns or some other such watertight excuse. Do not have them in your home ever again; they were not good parents to you when growing up and they remain a malign influence on you and your child now. Toxic parents become toxic as grandparents too. Your DD as well certainly does not need to see her grandparents in a state of permanent drunkenness or on a come down from alcohol. Their thoughts even now revolve around drink and where the next drink is going to come from. That is what their primary relationship is with; its certainly not you.

Consider contacting Al-anon (they are specifically for people affected by another's drinking) and go to their meetings; they are good and if you cannot attend their meetings at least read their literature.

Hi Anxious

she wouldn't be able to see her grandchild every day

And?

Seriously - she doesn't need to see her every day. She is not her parent, you are, and as her parent, you are 100% her 'security' - as much as your mother would clearly like to push her way into that role.

Do what is right for you and your DD - and I strongly suspect a big part of what is right is to put a bit of distance between you and your mother.

I too had an engulfing mother, as it sounds you have. She couldn't cope without seeing the DC every single day and would guilt trip me if we did anything without her. However once my DC stopped being small and 'compliant', ie having minds of their own that didn't necessarily agree with her, she dropped them - but not without trying to guilt trip them too, just for growing up and having minds of their own .

If I could turn back the clock I never would have let her be so involved in the first place

Hi all,

Can I join in please? I'd be interested to hear impartial thoughts. I've never talked about this to anyone except the counsellor I've been seeing this year for post-natal anxiety. This is long, sorry.

I was a child (one sibling) whose parents split when I was 4, after their relationship becoming violent. My mum always maintained that my Dad was entirely at fault but as an adult I know she did her fair share of fighting too. I always saw my Dad, every week and he never laid a hand on me or my brother. I know he did hit her once or twice. This is true. But I also know now that the tales of domestic violence, regular beatings etc are made up.

Things were ok until I was maybe 9/10 when my mum split with her long term boyfriend and started drinking in the evenings. She'd be drunk when my Dad dropped us off after our weekend visit and I'd usually put my brother (and mum) to bed. I'd make our lunches, and we'd often go to school in grubby clothes as mornings were so rushed due to lying in bed late. We'd sometimes miss school (not often) if mum fancied a day at home. She never drank in the day. We'd have lovely days at home playing and 'visiting stately homes' (not really but you get this gist).

We also had an awful violent family member who she frequently fell out with leading to bricks through windows, police visits, doors being kicked in, the lot. This went on for years on and off, until when I was 14 he eventually got in a fight with a neighbour and killed him. He's still in prison, twenty years on.

Fast forward to the teen years, I was quite rebellious, but always did well at school. Mum continued to drink 2/3 nights a week, sometimes getting really out of it/sick/in a mess. I used to lie if friends stayed over saying she had an illness that made her unsteady on her feet or not have people to stay at all. She'd often end up either crying about how horrible her life was or being abusive, screaming about what horrible ungrateful kids we were.

As a young adult, I went out partying a lot, and drank a fair bit, but probably no more than your average binge drinking young person. Stopped this naturally in my mid-twenties as I settled down with my DH. I do drink now myself but only the odd glass of wine here or there. I don't like excessive drinking.

I'm 34 now. I have a good relationship with my Dad, who is happily remarried and had another child (now 19) with no issues as far as I know. My brother doesn't drink at all, and struggles a bit with anxiety and occasionally anger though he's never violent. There have been frequent drink related fall outs with my mum over the years, most recently between my mum and brother while I was pregnant culminating in the police being called because she was so out of control. My mum now never drinks around us, she is not permitted to drink in our homes and if she were to start drinking in our presence in her home we leave so she doesn't. I do know that she still drinks 3/4 nights a week, sat at home on her own though.

I never really struggled before. I've always been very 'get on with things' and seem to have taken things in my stride. However, I had a (much planned and wanted) baby 18 months ago. I'm in a stable long term (9 years) relationship with her Dad. We have a lovely home, successful careers (I'm a SAHM now) and generally a nice, quiet (stable!) life.

I had a terribly traumatic birth. Following this, my baby had feeding issues, silent reflux, and another medical issue that required medication. It was tough, really tough. I developed PNA, and have been seeing a counsellor since baby turned 1. My anxiety all revolved around how much I felt I'd let my baby down, and I had so much trouble leaving the house with her - terrible birth, couldn't BF well, couldn't get her fed right, and in the end, couldn't take her out to all the 'new baby' things because I just needed to have her home and protect her.

It's only been recently that I've started to connect the dots and see that I've always been a protector, and that it's OTT in me now. I've always been aware that I'm overly cautious about things like home security but I can understand why.

I only ever see my mum (who lives very locally) when she's sober and my daughter adores her. She's a great grandma and she was wonderful when baby arrived and I struggled. We see her very frequently. But there's like this big secret thing (her drinking) that never discussed anymore even though I know it still happens. I know she occasionally calls in sick to work because she's hungover. She doesn't know about my anxiety I've never told her. Whenever I've talked about her behaviour in the past she makes out I'm exaggerating, or gets really defensive and nasty. It's like she's two completely different people. One fantastic (at times) and one awful.

It's not just the drinking which is bad with my mum either. Generally she can be quite manipulative. She lies, greatly exaggerates, always has to go one better, and rubs people up the wrong way with her bluntness and over-opinionatedness. She's very dominating in conversation and completely oversensitive. I've never known someone who takes offence at nothing like she does.

I'm just waffling now sorry. I'm continuing with the counselling but can anyone recommend any good books or reading material which may help me?

Been lurking on this thread for a long, long time.

So, after I snapped in a phone call two weeks ago to my mother and finally decided to go NC for while at least (she's awful towards me, always has been, everything is my fault, I'm never good enough- you know the drill )

I blocked her on Facebook (she calls it 'the one constant tie' she had, meaning she could always see what I was up to without having to lower herself to feign being interested and ask me. She'd also use the messenger feature relentlessly to drone on and on about herself)

Sadly I forgot she had my email address. She carefully timed (by what she mentioned in it she had plainly written it the day before bashing onto it) that email to arrive on the very morning that DP and I were about to go out, we had planned a lovely day out for his birthday. Of course it was still lovely but I was a bit subdued on the journey, which was obviously what she wanted, to 'spoil' whatever plans I had that day by getting in my head.

Here's a brief screenshot.

I've ignored that soI got the inevitable 'flying monkey' on Sunday (the day we were moving out of our flat, loading a van, packing up- again timed to perfection- from my brother, saying how sad my mum was, and she had some info about my gran which she would tell to my brothers but not to me unless I unblocked her and apologised. I suspect my lovely gran has been diagnosed with cancer (been suspecting that one for a while) and my mum will try and prevent me from having any information on that until I 'bend the knee'. Frustratingly I'm far closer to my Gran than my frankly selfish brother who lives two miles away yet never bothers with her

Help me stay strong! This is the first time I've ever had a serious attempt at NC,

Hi Sober I have no experience with alcoholism but agree with everything Attila says.

Your priority has to be your DD. It's not remotely surprising that you want to protect your child from your parents and you shouldn't feel remotely guilty for doing so

I should add that I realise she absoloutley does not want me to let her back in so she can 'love me', as she certainly didn't whilst she had the chance, but to have the situation back in her control and have me close enough to grind down again and hurt. My self is esteem has truly been shot to shit over the years.

Hi Harriet all I can suggest is you tell yourself you are 'having a break' from her and set a (minimum) time for that break in your head, say, three months. Then it doesn't seem quite as daunting. Don't tell that to anybody else though, just that you need to have some time away from the situation for the sake of your own health - no need to go into any more detail than that.

I told myself that at the start - but it's now six months and I still have no desire to start up the whole drama merry-go-round again. I'm not saying it's easy but one thing I didn't anticipate is that I don't miss anything about seeing my M at all - because I knew deep down that the 'nice' side of her was just manipulation anyway .

What BadTasteFlump wrote.

I would also suggest you read this re going no contact as this may help too:-

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/no-contact/

outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/no-contact

I hope that you have now blocked your mother from your e-mail inbox as well.

It is not possible to have a relationship with someone like your mother.

NC is no contact and if your flying monkey brother continues to be her flying monkey, he is going to have to be dropped too. He is acting in his best interests here and certainly not yours. He is not interested at all in hearing your side of the story.

Re your gran I would contact her directly by phone. Do not use any of your family of origin to give you information because they won't readily do so.

thanks attilathemeerkat

Thanks so much for your thoughts – I’m going to get my hands on that toxic book. I’ve toyed with the idea of al anon before – I live overseas and there aren’t meetings here, but I’ll certainly look for some literature too.

They don’t turn up at mine – it is meticulously planned as it involves two plane journeys and a 17 hour total journey. I’m afraid to say they guilt trip me into it – I would rather they didn’t visit. They even stay with us!

Since I’ve had DD they dote on her. My mum has just retired (dad is already) and they are hoping to come even more often (they come twice a year at the moment).

My dad definitely doesn’t appear to drink or ever be under the influence although I remain incredulous that he has managed this alone. They are definitely not in any state of drunkenness although my mum will help herself to a few glasses of wine from the fridge. I feel like she makes a point of holding back.

They are to be fair really great when they visit – no trouble, do lots of chores, cook, clean, sort the garden. They are decent people in all other areas just hugely flawed when it comes to alcohol and the older I get the less I like it and the more it is eating away at me.

Has anyone ever tried to sort these kind of issues long distance? We do skype but I don’t feel it is appropriate for this. I’d rather email if anything…

shinynewnames isn't it funny - well not funny - peculiar - how there's a pattern of the drinking just never being mentioned? i've been listening to some podcasts about alcoholism and this was very enlightening. it hasn't given me any real solutions but it did open my eyes to a lot..

www.blogtalkradio.com/bubblehour/2014/02/10/adult-children-of-alcoholics-1

@soberexpat yes, I know what you mean. When my mum is here, with DD she's great. What you'd want from your mum. You'd never know there is an issue and unless there's a reason for it to come up, it's just not mentioned. When she drinks, she's a nightmare.

soberexpat

They are rotten and selfish indeed for guilt tripping you into having them. When I wrote about them turning up at yours I was meaning that they probably invite themselves. Alcoholics are indeed truly selfish individuals.

You would not have tolerated this from a friend and your parents are no different.

Do not fall for their guilt trips and I would still urge you to tell them that November's visit is off. If you are being guilted into having them at your house then it is not worth them visiting. Now that both of them have retired it gives them more time to drink and to stay with you. A lose-lose situation for you.

Raise your boundaries higher with these people; start saying no and repeat no this does not work for us as and when necessary. Do not be guilted into having them at your house.

Al-anon are in most countries but if there are no meetings where you are I would try and read their literature. Their UK website is a good place to start.

They were not good parents to you when growing up and old age has not mellowed them either. Your parents are still alcoholics and they have both developed a high tolerance level to alcohol. They are still not a good influence on your child or you for that matter. You still have a lot re them that needs to be unpicked here. As I said before alcoholism thrives on secrecy and you really do need to bust this wide open.

If they do visit you will need to make your house an alcohol free zone for the duration of their visit. They won't like that but its your house so your rules. Do not buy alcohol for them.

Re your dad:-

"My dad definitely doesn’t appear to drink or ever be under the influence although I remain incredulous that he has managed this alone".

Nor did my dad re the first part of your comment but his tolerance level to alcohol was high and highly developed over many years. It is never without price. You don't really know what your dad is like day to day because you are not there. Also I would still point it out to you that you are NOT responsible for either of your parents although they have between them taught you to be so. Codependency and alcoholism are often closely linked.

soberexpat

I would also look at this website

www.adultchildren.org/

and read Adult children of Alcoholics by Janet Geringer Woititz.

Thank you Atilla and Flump.

Frustratingly I'm being blocked from hearing anything about my grandma (my brothers are not 'allowed' to tell me and are just being very cagey) until I acquiesce and apologise for my 'recent behaviour' and causing so much upset to my mum at a time like this. It's entirely typical of her to use something so sad as a drama and a way to play games with me. Not the first time.

I'm going to visit my very poorly Gran in a week and a half so I'm hoping to get a clearer picture then.

Harriet that sound typical toxic mother behaviour unfortunately. She will want all relationships to function through her so she can control everything.

The same re 'using' something sad as she has. When we've had bereavements in our extended family my mother has 'used' them to her full twisted advantage. I think they were the times the scales really started to fall from my eyes about what she was capable of .

Stay strong and know that you are doing nothing wrong

Thank you. I'm just very confused, to be honest, and I don't know how I feel anymore. I don't think I'd have minded if she'd said "are you sure that's a good idea?" or "oh don't do that, I'd really miss you both" , but the way she immediately went on the attack, in the way that she knew would hurt me most (i.e. making out that I'm a bad mother who selfishly wants to destroy her child's life for an easier journey to work), makes me wonder whether I even know her at all. I mean, vicious things have popped out in the past (repeatedly telling me that I have autism as a teenager and young adult - not that there's anything wrong with being on the autistic spectrum, of course, but being told that you are when you aren't fucks with your head - or insinuating that I was a danger to DD when she was tiny because I'd pissed her off by asking for more support when I was ill) but this one is going to be hard to get past.

Gettingsomewhere

Do not ever have your parents at your house ever again. Enough is enough (your mother threw you out of your own home!) and these two have not changed an iota since your own childhood. You would not have tolerated that from a friend, let alone your parents.

re your comment:-
"Always had problems with them, but my children love them so I stay in contact".

This is no real reason, let alone any sort of good reason, to stay in contact with such abusive people. They also went onto abuse you and in your sons presence in their home. Your children are more likely than not used by them for their own ends, these people do not know the meaning of the word love. Your parents actions remain unloving and are all about power and control which is at the heart of abuse.

I am not altogether surprised that you went onto have an abusive marriage yourself because your parents really did set you up to accept abusive treatment from them. That is what you learnt and that is going to take an awful long time, perhaps years even, to unlearn and unpick.

If you are UK based you may want to contact NAPAC going forward as they could well be helpful to you. Do also read the resources at the start of this thread; "Toxic Parents" is a good starting point. Women's Aid Freedom Programme would be ideal for you to look into as well.