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Relationships

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AIBU to think my husband loves his job more than us?

188 replies

HappyMum4 · 13/08/2017 08:57

Basically, DH has had this job for the last 5 nearly 6 years now, where he travels quite a bit, leaves early, back late, that kind of thing, sometimes weekends, his mobile never stops, and he never seems to be able to stop answering it or checking emails, which he even checks and replies to when he goes to the loo which I find repulsive. He goes abroad a few times a year, sometimes overnight, sometimes 5 days, sometimes longer. He has become significantly more "into" his job, and spends the majority of his time doing it, even when I think he should be giving us his time, it seems to be all he can think about, even to the point where he forgets things that mean a lot to us, his family - when the children have exams, he forgets to ask how they went, forgets names of their friends, forgets what they're doing and when, forgets when school finishes, or after school clubs which have been on the same night for many months, he forgets birthdays, Valentine's, Mother's Day, and now I discover he's forgotten our wedding anniversary which we had planned to celebrate, and he's booked a works event for that evening, he'll be back about midnight. He's away currently for 5 days, flew to the US, for a big sales event, at a huge luxury hotel, could have taken us but claimed it would have cost too much. He couldn't wait to go. And it's clear from the few conversations we've had he's having a ball. No sooner does he fly back from there, three days later he's away again, overnight, on a "team building" go karting-with-the-boys exercise, with a couple of meetings thrown in.
And it's things like he seems to come to life with work, especially when he's away, he just seems so happy and having such a good time, and when he's with us he's a grumpy bastard, total shitbag sometimes, shouts at us, a couple of weeks ago he lied to me about something, which I found out and approached him about, apologies profusely then the next day yells at me and says it's my fault he lied as I make such a fuss.
I'm thinking work means more to him than we do, but he says I'm not understanding, that he is spinning plates and can't remember everything and it's important to remember stuff re his job coz he doesn't want to lose it, says that I should be happy he's having a good time with his colleagues and if I went out with friends he would want me to have a good time. I gave up my job to raise the children and we've moved around so much because of his job, I don't have many friends. Am I being unfair and unreasonable like he says?

OP posts:
Cookingongas · 13/08/2017 09:02

Yanbu. Work life balance is hard to get right, and it sounds like his priorities are very skewed towards his work. Lying , forgetting significant dates and being dismissive/accusatory when pulled up on his poor behaviour are all not on.

jeaux90 · 13/08/2017 09:11

He has a career ok but the shitty behaviour is not on. When he is around he should be more engaged and part of family life.

I'll put my reply in context, I have a very similar career I travel a lot etc and in a male dominated industry. I am a single mum and I always always find time for my kid, special occasions with my family etc. I also have an OH and I make time for him.

I am now going to be a little brutal. It sounds like he has checked out of your relationship and is using work as an excuse so you have a choice to tell him that this is how it feels and see if he is prepared to work at it. Or you get your own career back on track perhaps if that's what you want to do?

HappyMum4 · 13/08/2017 09:13

Thank you Cookingongas, whenever I try to discuss stuff with him about this, he makes me feel it's not normal for me to be feeling this way, like nobody else would react like me or feel the way I do, it's not normal to feel hurt. So I guess I just really need to know, am I being totally over the top or might I actually have a point? I'm just so down about my situation right now, he just won't change. More and more I find myself doing everything alone with the kids, feeling very lonely.

OP posts:
OfaFrenchmind2 · 13/08/2017 09:17

I hate to ask this, but are you sure it is only work?

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 13/08/2017 09:19

I don't think it's just work.

Is he quite clingy with his mobile? Doe

HappyMum4 · 13/08/2017 09:19

Jeaux90, I need brutal, I need a kick up the arse and you're right, I've felt he checked out a long time ago, if I make a fuss about work related stuff, he says he feels "caught in the middle between me and his job", but I said he shouldn't feel that way because he should be standing beside me, it's just a job and we're his life, surely?

OP posts:
HappyMum4 · 13/08/2017 09:24

I've had similar thoughts, OfaFrenchMind2, and I have gone down that road of checking for clues, nothing has turned up, texts, emails, so I feel pretty confident that the third person in this marriage is his precious job. And, if love is a competition, I'm losing.😔

OP posts:
pameladoove · 13/08/2017 09:26

He sounds awful

NewIdeasToday · 13/08/2017 09:29

It sounds like he has a pretty full on job - and that he enjoys it. Is part of the problem here that you don't work, so you can't share the stresses and sense of satisfaction a challenging job brings?

What is the alternative here? Could you go back to work so he can scale back a bit?

FrogsSitonLogs · 13/08/2017 09:30

Would it make any difference to your life if he wasn't in it? Because it sounds like you are pretty much a single parent.

HappyMum4 · 13/08/2017 09:34

Pameladoove, I know. It's become worse or I've become less accepting of it, I don't know. Like the anniversary debacle - he wants to go out the night before to celebrate in order to try and "fix it", but I said it's ok, damage is kinda done now, he's forgotten, and it's not the same the night before coz that's not the date, and on the actual date I'll just be sitting on my own after putting kids to bed whilst he's with his colleagues.

OP posts:
HappyMum4 · 13/08/2017 09:35

And then he shouted at me coz I "refused to let him fix it" so now it's my fault.

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OhTheRoses · 13/08/2017 09:36

Hmm. In the last 28 years DH has usually put in a 60 hour week, sometimes more. He is driven by work and it is a vocation. Often abroad. I did everything at home. All the school stuff all the home stuff. But it was never about the company of his colleagues and he was never an arse or unpleasant. Sometimes absent due to absorption.

It sounds as though there are deeper problems op. I am sorry.

timeisnotaline · 13/08/2017 09:39

Umm he sounds awful. He's not caught between you and work, what does he expect? That he should onlycare about work? I couldn't deal with being yelled at because HE forgot your anniversary . You've got to be honest - you out no effort into the family and save all your time and energy for work. You've checked out of the family, most men don't do this. I can't keep this up and pretend to myself you care.

ElspethFlashman · 13/08/2017 09:39

He doesn't sound very nice.

Or that he is remotely interested in his family.

What is the children's attitudes towards him?

missiondecision · 13/08/2017 09:40

He's married to work.
Work probably rubs his ego. Some people get a real high from that.
Some people are ok with that.
Sounds like you are not.
Letter in the top of his suitcase next time he's away.
You need to tell him, draw some boundaries for family time, some time for you.

If he still can't be bothered. What do you consider your options if he doesn't change?

HappyMum4 · 13/08/2017 09:41

I would absolutely love to go back to work, and you're totally right, I need to feel that satisfaction you get from doing a good job, and also feel the pressure and stress which might help me understand him better. I need the socialisation of work, be with others. I've been out of it a long time now, I've tried to get something to fit in around the kids but it's brick walls and lack of experience, but I am going to keep at it. And yes, feel very much a single mum, it wouldn't make a great deal of difference to be honest if he wasn't in my life, coz even though he is currently it doesn't feel like he's there, maybe physically sometimes but not emotionally.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 13/08/2017 09:41

Happy it's not just a job to me. My career and job is very much about who I am, my identity is deeply ingrained in what I do for work. So no there is no clear separation between work and life for me. My work and my child are my life.

That said, he is not getting a balance between family and work right.

If it was me I'd would say to him you feel like he has checked out of your relationship and family life comes across as a burden to him. It's fine for him to be travelling etc but it's not fine for him not to be engaged when he is around or to forget (in a very passive aggressive way) significant dates. Equally maybe put a calendar up with everything on if you don't already, or run a family diary so he has no excuse.

You are not wrong to feel like that.

There is a balance to be struck here.

OhTheRoses · 13/08/2017 09:42

We definitely had anniversaries/birthdays where he had to work but I accepted that and generally knew in advance and booked an alternative.

Are you involved in his work life at all op? I have always gone to events with DH. Christmas party, opera, that sort of stuff.

jeaux90 · 13/08/2017 09:44

And yes go back to work. Tell him you need him to co-parent to enable this or to pay 50/50 for the wrap around child care required for you to get yourself back into work.

Make it fact, this is what's happening. He will be a bit ConfusedShock but that's good. Then you can do the little fuck you jig when he isn't looking. Grin

QueenLaBeefah · 13/08/2017 09:45

How old are your DCs?

It does sound like he is not fully committed to family life.

It might be a good idea to return to work. You'll meet some new people and it is always a good idea to have some of your own money if your marriage isn't great.

ElspethFlashman · 13/08/2017 09:45

Ironically he would have to do much more parenting if you actually were a single mother and you would have more free time.

jeaux90 · 13/08/2017 09:46

I'm a single mum by the way, my life is way easier that way Smile

OhTheRoses · 13/08/2017 09:47

Ah, a big plus here op was that I did go back to work. Only a little job at first and locally, p/t because of DC and his responsibilities. But I got the opportunity to take professional quals a few years in although had to go fulltime at that point. But because of his money I could fund childcare.

Going back to work did us all good.

FrogsSitonLogs · 13/08/2017 09:55

It does sound like he wants the fun single life. Let him get on with it. It's not fair that he turns every problem round and make it out to be your fault, that's very manipulative.

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