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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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AIBU to think my husband loves his job more than us?

188 replies

HappyMum4 · 13/08/2017 08:57

Basically, DH has had this job for the last 5 nearly 6 years now, where he travels quite a bit, leaves early, back late, that kind of thing, sometimes weekends, his mobile never stops, and he never seems to be able to stop answering it or checking emails, which he even checks and replies to when he goes to the loo which I find repulsive. He goes abroad a few times a year, sometimes overnight, sometimes 5 days, sometimes longer. He has become significantly more "into" his job, and spends the majority of his time doing it, even when I think he should be giving us his time, it seems to be all he can think about, even to the point where he forgets things that mean a lot to us, his family - when the children have exams, he forgets to ask how they went, forgets names of their friends, forgets what they're doing and when, forgets when school finishes, or after school clubs which have been on the same night for many months, he forgets birthdays, Valentine's, Mother's Day, and now I discover he's forgotten our wedding anniversary which we had planned to celebrate, and he's booked a works event for that evening, he'll be back about midnight. He's away currently for 5 days, flew to the US, for a big sales event, at a huge luxury hotel, could have taken us but claimed it would have cost too much. He couldn't wait to go. And it's clear from the few conversations we've had he's having a ball. No sooner does he fly back from there, three days later he's away again, overnight, on a "team building" go karting-with-the-boys exercise, with a couple of meetings thrown in.
And it's things like he seems to come to life with work, especially when he's away, he just seems so happy and having such a good time, and when he's with us he's a grumpy bastard, total shitbag sometimes, shouts at us, a couple of weeks ago he lied to me about something, which I found out and approached him about, apologies profusely then the next day yells at me and says it's my fault he lied as I make such a fuss.
I'm thinking work means more to him than we do, but he says I'm not understanding, that he is spinning plates and can't remember everything and it's important to remember stuff re his job coz he doesn't want to lose it, says that I should be happy he's having a good time with his colleagues and if I went out with friends he would want me to have a good time. I gave up my job to raise the children and we've moved around so much because of his job, I don't have many friends. Am I being unfair and unreasonable like he says?

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 18/08/2017 08:41

I would stop talking to him when he is away.
Tell him he needs to text you, if he wants to Facetalk, then I would tell him your too busy, and name some fun activity your doing with the kids and fill you facebook up with loads of me and the kids fun pictures.
A day to the park.
A day at the Seaside.
An evening meal and The Pictures.
then when he complains just say well you were doing your thing and so we did ours.
Unless he sees he is MISSING OUT he won't want to join in.

Peanutbuttercheese · 18/08/2017 08:43

He has basically been living a single life and leaving all responsibility to you. I am a sahm now after 25 years working and with dc almost grown up and not by choice but due to ill health. I had a decent career and DH has an amazing one, with lots of international travel very much in the pattern you describe. He definitely seemed to treat me differently when I stayed at home, we actually seperated for a few months at the beginning of this year, there were other issues.

It took that separation to crystallise everything, we are actually back together. We have both apologised for certain behaviours and it was excruciating. Deep down we did still love each other. I see you have decided to leave and that you did discuss things but actions do speak louder than words.

It does sound as if he never really wanted a family life, it's very sad. Get a decent lawyer and look at all financial assets before you tell him anything in case he tries to hide stuff.

ElspethFlashman · 18/08/2017 08:49

I think you're dead right.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/08/2017 09:38

HappyMum
I agree that you should just do what you want. He has chosen to make himself peripheral to the family not you. DH went through a phase of that (in his case it was mild depression that he wasn't prepared to acknowledge) so I just carried on and did what I wanted with the children. We went away for a weekend, to see sporting events, cinema, museums etc. I showed DH the photos and said how are you going to explain to the DC when they grow up why you aren't in any of them? I also pointed out that when children are young they really want to do things with you but when they get to 15-16 they are going to be more interested in their friends.
It did hit home and he started to make more of an effort. I still do some things with the DC without him but now he also takes them out without me.

timeisnotaline · 18/08/2017 09:52

You've made the right decision, you are just being honest now instead of pretending there is a dad in your children's lives or a husband in yours. He has been able to pretend this to himself for a long time now while you hold the pieces together . Honestly his life sounds very selfish for a guy with a girlfriend much less a married man with a family.

Naicehamshop · 18/08/2017 09:55

I second the advice on here - you need to do something for yourself. At the moment - lovely though it is to have a family - you are just leading half a life.

The only thing I would stress is, don't go down the volunteering route. You need a job and an income. It'll be difficult at first, but it'll be so worth it for your self-esteem and for "balancing out" your relationship with your husband.

Start looking, start working on it, don't give up, and be prepared to work for very little at first if you need to pay for child care. It will definitely be worth it in the long run.

Good luck. Flowers

user1484311384 · 18/08/2017 09:57

I think it would help you to balance the relationship if you started doing more for yourself. You do have time during the school day, presumably. Why not check out the local Volunteering vacancies? It is a fantastic way of dipping in and out of different volunteering activities - social care, charity sectors, or you could consider volunteering at a school hearing children read or similar. The Cinnamon Trust do fantastic work matching up people prepared to walk dogs for people who, for various reasons, are unable to. Or there are wildlife charities? The options are endless. It would be a good way of starting to get 'you' back, rather than being totally subsumed by family life. Many volunteers end up with a career through this route - why not investigate?

kittybiscuits · 18/08/2017 10:13

Are you scared of him? Are you scared of saying what you think to him and really confrontating what he is doing? You seem very apologetic. It's time that your life revolved around yourself and your children. He's made himself irrelevant. Be realistic with him and crack on with no regard for him. It's obvious to me that he knows exactly what he's doing, hence the 'I love you' text when you ignored him. I wouldn't bother with words. He already knows. Action. That's what counts.

SittingAround1 · 18/08/2017 17:17

I agree with PP you should get on with your life without him.
I wouldn't even bother getting angry at him, but would just ignore him, no contact whilst he's away. If he asks what's going on just say oh I'm busy.
How do your DCs feel about their father? They must be pretty distant from him.

HappyMum4 · 18/08/2017 17:43

Sitting, my youngest asked yesterday why daddy doesn't spend any time with him. Which is about the saddest thing about all this sorry state.
He actually wore the medal he got from coming second during the meal at the restaurant- the whole time. Who does that?
And the day before he left, he has these clippers, I bought them as a Christmas present to trim his hair, but he uses them to give himself a haircut and it always turns out the same, he's not a barber, he can't see the back of his head properly and some bits are shaved, some left tufts, looks ridiculous. So I mentioned that some bits were tufty, perhaps he'd be better off going to get his hair done at a barber (we've had this conversation many times, he always ends up saying I'm right and he will, then cuts it himself). So then he says he can't trust himself not to cut his hair again, grabs the clippers, takes them to the garage and smashes them with a hammer, puts them in the bin. They cost me like £50 christmas before last. Kittybiscuits - I am scared, yes. His temper is quick, and aggressive, and loud, and comes from nowhere.
I'm taking kids to cinema today, and go karting. I was hoping it would make him feel a bit sad but it's made him "less guilty" apparently.
First on agenda - a job.
Naicehamshop, I really love the way you've put all that, thank you so much. It is half a life. I was told yesterday he thinks I'm "very opinionated", like it's a negative thing, and I feel/felt bad for having an opinion. Not now. I can see the manipulation now. Does he know he's being manipulative? Is it deliberate?

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 18/08/2017 18:03

I thought you might be. He sounds scary and he probably uses it to control you. What he did with the clippers - he sounds deranged, like a big angry toddler. I think he knows exactly what he's doing. Nothing to resolve here. Start planning, get your ducks in a row, leave quietly and safely. It must be quite shocking to be waking up to exactly what you are dealing with. You and your children deserve a better life than this. How lonely and demoralizing for you Flowers

timeisnotaline · 18/08/2017 18:25

Very opinionated? And what is he??? He doesn't have any self awareness at all! I hope you see these comments for what they are more now.You are entitled to an opinion. It's your marriage, your life and your children. I think he thinks you are all just little extras in his real life to be played every now and then like a random toy, not important at all.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/08/2017 18:37

OP
Given what you have said about the clippers I think you should take a look at this book
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1503077820&sr=1-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that&tag=mumsnetforum-21

kittybiscuits · 18/08/2017 18:55

@HappyMum4 please consider reporting your original post and asking for it to be moved to Relationships where you can access more support.

Naicehamshop · 18/08/2017 19:19

You aren't opinionated. You just have opinions, the same as any other intelligent person! Angry

What an idiot he is. Sad

eddielizzard · 18/08/2017 19:57

Shock he smashes things up, he has a short temper, you're scared to say what you think, he lives like a single man with no responsibilities while you hold down the fort with the house and children. doesn't sound good does it?

HappyMum4 · 18/08/2017 22:16

Chazs, thank you so much for that link, just reading the reviews has opened my eyes. Especially this:
"He can only do this by terrorising her and then being kind and conciliatory in quick succession begging forgiveness even if only a short time."
This describes us EXACTLY.
I have ordered this book.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/08/2017 22:34

I hope it helps. Keep it to yourself, don't even let him see it. If he is abusive he will use it against you. The book should help you see what is really going on and that gives you insight into how to handle it whilst planning what you want to do.
I would strongly recommend you get this thread moved to Relationships (report your first post and ask in the comments box for it to be moved).
This is really important- if he is abusive then do not let him see you are changing. Don't challenge him, just quietly make your mind up about what you want to do and put it into action. If he thinks he is loosing control or being seriously challenged he is likely to get nastier, so don't try to get him to see reason etc.

HappyMum4 · 18/08/2017 23:31

Chazs, I've just asked now for it to be moved. Do I just wait, how will I know it's been moved?
I was thinking of being a bit Katy Perry "Roar" , because I am sick of feeling like I'm antagonistic, like my feelings don't matter, and the more I'm reading, the angrier I'm becoming. but you think maybe I should go a bit quieter? I will have to hide the book, he'll go ballistic if he sees it. I told him once that he made me feel anxious when he gets shouty and he was very unpleasant and said I was trying to make out he's a monster, and was just nasty. So I never mentioned it again, in that way, only a few weeks ago when he knew something was up and trying to get me to tell him and I said I don't like to talk to him about certain things as he is unpredictable in his reactions and he assured me he'd be ok, stay calm, listen, so I told him and he yelled at me all the way home in the car, because he didn't like what I was saying to him. Then when we got home he stormed back out of the house for several hours before returning and apologising and asking forgiveness.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/08/2017 23:48

That sounds so tough to live with. You already know that there is no point in confronting him, he will make you pay if you do. He won't suddenly change because he doesn't think what he is doing is wrong.
So play along for a quiet life. He thinks everything is going his way and will probably be fairly calm. What he doesn't know is that you are making decisions about your future and making plans. The advice is often be like a duck all people see is you gliding effortlessly they can't see you paddling like mad underneath.

HappyMum4 · 19/08/2017 00:29

Chazs, the one good thing about being on my own so much and him being at work a lot is that I can make calls, research jobs, courses if necessary etc, or even start looking at how, when to make the break, and I can do this unnoticed and undisturbed.
Thank you for all your help and support, you don't know how much it means 😍

OP posts:
vikingprincess81 · 19/08/2017 04:18

The anger/calm thing is the cycle of abuse - its a trick abusers use to keep you 'interested' and off balance. How can he be abusive when he sends me all these texts saying he loves me...?
You've got time and space to get your ducks lined up, so line those babies up! Get away quietly and safely, and don't let him see you're changing as a pp said, just quietly disengage while arranging your exit plan. Flowers

AIBU to think my husband loves his job more than us?
mogulfield · 19/08/2017 04:38

Op, does he earn a 6 figure salary or more? I'm just trying to get my head around his time spent on work and his level of commitment. The only way I could sort of conceive of why he's doing this if it's a LOT of money (even then I don't agree with it but I'd understand a bit more).

If that is the case you'll be entitled to a comfortable amount of that once you split and you'll be absolutely fine financially.

I have been very dedicated to work before but I would ALWAYS drop everything if my child was in A and E, I would always ask about exams (SATs), and if I was dropping my kid off at school I wouldn't be on my bloody phone. He's ruining an important element of their childhood, having a loving dad.

mogulfield · 19/08/2017 04:46

Sorry I've just read the thread, it's not even a 6 figure salary?! He's ruining his family for a wage that MOST people have a work/life balance with.

WTAAF · 19/08/2017 05:21

I might be speaking completely out of turn here, and I'm sure someone will tell me if so! Is now the best time to seek work? Given a well and long established status quo and several young children, and what sounds like an abusive marriage in great difficulty and likely to end - wouldn't it be in the OP's interests to maintain the financial and parenting status quo for now? Should they separate and divorce, she would currently be entitled to a greater degree of support - needed and deserved given the damage to her own career. A job could come later, when the OP and the kids are re-established after any separation. A job now, no matter how low paid, would muddy the water and lead to claims that she's quite able to support herself. Given the situation, I think that would be unfair, for a while at least.

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