AIBU to think my husband loves his job more than us?

[HappyMum4]

Basically, DH has had this job for the last 5 nearly 6 years now, where he travels quite a bit, leaves early, back late, that kind of thing, sometimes weekends, his mobile never stops, and he never seems to be able to stop answering it or checking emails, which he even checks and replies to when he goes to the loo which I find repulsive. He goes abroad a few times a year, sometimes overnight, sometimes 5 days, sometimes longer. He has become significantly more "into" his job, and spends the majority of his time doing it, even when I think he should be giving us his time, it seems to be all he can think about, even to the point where he forgets things that mean a lot to us, his family - when the children have exams, he forgets to ask how they went, forgets names of their friends, forgets what they're doing and when, forgets when school finishes, or after school clubs which have been on the same night for many months, he forgets birthdays, Valentine's, Mother's Day, and now I discover he's forgotten our wedding anniversary which we had planned to celebrate, and he's booked a works event for that evening, he'll be back about midnight. He's away currently for 5 days, flew to the US, for a big sales event, at a huge luxury hotel, could have taken us but claimed it would have cost too much. He couldn't wait to go. And it's clear from the few conversations we've had he's having a ball. No sooner does he fly back from there, three days later he's away again, overnight, on a "team building" go karting-with-the-boys exercise, with a couple of meetings thrown in.
And it's things like he seems to come to life with work, especially when he's away, he just seems so happy and having such a good time, and when he's with us he's a grumpy bastard, total shitbag sometimes, shouts at us, a couple of weeks ago he lied to me about something, which I found out and approached him about, apologies profusely then the next day yells at me and says it's my fault he lied as I make such a fuss.
I'm thinking work means more to him than we do, but he says I'm not understanding, that he is spinning plates and can't remember everything and it's important to remember stuff re his job coz he doesn't want to lose it, says that I should be happy he's having a good time with his colleagues and if I went out with friends he would want me to have a good time. I gave up my job to raise the children and we've moved around so much because of his job, I don't have many friends. Am I being unfair and unreasonable like he says?

missiondecision I think you've hit the nail on the head, re: ego rubbing. He does seem to get off on it.
ElspethFlashman, the children love him, but it hurts them when he forgets stuff like SATS or exams, he forgot my DD Sats, first day, came back, didn't ask anything about it, how it went, how she felt she did, it's been 2 years since that and she still feels hurt and mentions it to him, he totally denies he forgot. He won't believe any of us. Then becomes angry if we go on about it "we won't let him forget it". I wish he would spend time with my DS, one on one, but that doesn't happen. We had a row several weeks ago coz he was dropping them off at school (rare occasion he wasnt out the door at 7am), and took a phone call whilst waiting to take them in, so they had to go in themselves and he couldn't even put the phone down to say bye, just mouthed it.

Does he love them as you do?

ElspethFlashman, I'd like to think so, but I keep thinking its words vs actions. Sometimes he says the right words and I think it's going to be ok, he keeps saying he'll change. But then actions say opposite.
OnTheRoses, I went to a couple of parties in the past, he wasn't fussed if I went or not, but I don't get opportunities to get out much so I wanted to go, but the last two events have been abroad, and he says it's too expensive to take me/us. The company pays for him, but not the rest, which is understandable but makes it hard when it's abroad with flights, hotels etc

Working abroad sounds fun but most of the time it's not and certainly not the norm to pay for kids and partners.

That said, on the sales conventions can be fun and some people fly their partners out for a few days after or before.

This is missing the point though, you need to create equal opportunities for you and your life. Sounds like he is being a bit of an arse at the moment

The right words are just to placate you, it's the behaviour you need to look at. If the behaviour doesn't change, the words means nothing.

These useless men need a wife working full time to pull them up to scratch in my view. If you worked as long hours as this child man then he would be having to arrnage child care when he went abroad - make him do that, the silly so and so. The problem seems to come with the differing working hours bewteen you. i found it helped that I earned 10x my husband - they certainly don't take you for granted them. As ever money and feminism is at the core of a good life for women.

I think you're being a little bit U. He's in a high pressure job earning for you to be currently a SAHM. Some people, male and female, prioritise their working lives over family because that's where they feel they belong and because they're trying to keep the show on the road financially in a dubious economic world. The fact he enjoys the away-days is possibly him trying to keep the team together?

Otherwise he sounds completely U. I'd be tempted to up your game, do something to improve your life and work prospects - take the kids on a holiday you'd like to go on with them without him. Once you have sorted out what you'd do with your life if he continues this way - and if you still like him - you can crack on. Pop psychology says he would be much more keen to be with the family if you didn't need him.

I know people like this of both sexes. What one SAHP did was simply write out good luck notes and birthday cards for the working parent to sign when they were home and just give them on the appropriate day. Clearly doesn't work when there are cards from him to you - just ignore it and treat yourself to something. FWIW I am the world's worst rememberer of anniversaries and hope everyone forgets Mother's and Father's Days .. anyway that's surely for your DC to do not him?

You don't explain the lie which could be huge. However, leave him out of the equation and build your own life. And check your financial position just in case. Be away doing something great with kids when he comes home one time.

This is a good book on the subject, to help understand what's going on:

www.amazon.co.uk/Chained-Desk-Third-Workaholics-Clinicians/dp/0814789234/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1502637981&sr=1-2&keywords=workaholic&tag=mumsnetforum-21

OP I think it sounds as if his behaviour is impacting your life chances /choices? For instance - If you wanted to work outside the home would you be able to retrain / take courses? Or would his NEED for childcare (which you are then essentially obligated to do) whilst he works mean that you're unable to?
Do you have opportunities to socialise have hobbies or even be self employed or does his need to work, again, obligate you to put aside your needs to care for the children?
I think it's all well and good for people to say that your husband is supporting a SAHP but at what point does it cross the line into holding the SAHP back and refusing to allow them to relinquish that role and move into paid employment which they might find fulfilling and allow the SAHP more personal autonomy? If your NEEDS as a person are ignored despite your polite reasonable attempts to renegotiate your life SAHP work balance vs his "work" life. Good luck 🍀

Milliemolliemou, you make a some really good points, I have thought about doing things just me and the kids, that's where it's headed I think, I just feel like we're going to end up living separate lives and I never wanted that.

Thanks kesstrel, I'll def check that out.
Sistersofmercy101, it is difficult to do that, take a course or even a job as his job is so erratic in hours, I can never rely on him getting back to look after the kids, even weekends can be unpredictable, he rarely shares information, so I just find out last minute or get a text if I'm lucky to say he'll be back whenever, it doesn't feel like my needs are met, and I do need to make that break now, be me again, not "us".

That behaviour would make me VERY suspicious.

He's obviously checked out of family life - and it sounds like you've facilitated this for quite a few years - how old are the kids? What kind of example is he setting them about how family life works? Presumably he earns plenty but is the sacrifice worth it? He needs a serious wake up call - you & kids or the job??

I feel for you, OP. My DH is a workaholic and I have had years of it. I, too gave up a career to become a SAHM. Fortunately, my DH isn't away having a fun time (which I know I would have resented in the early days, with 3 under the age of 5 and no family or social network to help); he is always stressed and makes himself ill, but it is still his choice to work as hard as he does. The net effect is the same whether one's DP loves working long hours or not: family life suffers and those precious years with young children do not last forever. In my case, DH earns enough for me to pursue hobbies and pay for help but it still feels like neglect; after all, when I was single I could have paid to entertain myself but I chose to marry and have children because I wanted to be a family, not to single-parent with a paid-help. The whole dynamics of my relationship have changed over the years since being at home with children on my own - I don't feel myself to be an equal partner but more a facilitator of everyone's lives whilst my own life is on pause and my brain stagnates. Going back to work will help with your self esteem and may shift the power balance in the household which is likely to be beneficial for you and the children. But for a marriage to work, both partners have to put in some effort and I can't see how you working would change that.

Reading your last post about him not sharing information and getting a text last minute "if you're lucky".....does this man realise you aren't his paid housekeeper/mother and they are his children too? I agree that it seems a bit suspicious.

Apart from the financial side, I can't think of one advantage of being with someone like this.

I'd ask him how many people he thinks, on their deathbed, wished they'd worked more and spent less time with family...?

Why on earth do you tolerate this?

Tell your dh that you want to have a career and that he needs to try to persuade his employers to be more flexible or seek alternative employment that means you will be able to resurrect your career

You are a maid at the moment and little else - the way you have described things it seems like you are all an inconvenience to him!

He cannot afford flights and accomodation? Are you certain about that? Does he give you a share of the income?

Did you get a family hol this year?

Tell him he must prioritise his family?

Tell him the relationship is under threat and if it goes under you will give him 50/50 care of the DC?

Take action today

Does he know that he would probably see more of the kids if you split up? Maybe that needs pointing out to him.

It's all very well him having a base camp that looks after itself all on its own while he does exactly as he pleases but that won't meet even near your needs.

This behavior is bizarre and I think there's something other than work going on here. I'd worry about an OW.

Because of my job, I know many high-powered, highly-scheduled executives in several industries who often have to put family plans on hold because of their work.

But even among these executives, they know at least the basics of their kids and what they're doing, and are happy to say "I'm already booked that day -- it's my wedding anniversary (the less-secure among them might add: 'and you know wives, can't miss that or I'll be in the doghouse.')"

Yes, absolutely, in a time of absolute crisis (financial meltdown, etc) sometimes plans might have to be cancelled last minute for these executives, even very important plans like a child's birthday or an anniversary dinner. But these times are so few and far between, and generally involve everyone in the family knowing what's going on and why daddy needs a bit of extra support this week and we shouldn't make his life harder.

The men I know who do act the way you're talking about aren't executives. They're salesmen with large, regional territories. They love being able to abdicate from family responsibilities. They blame it on their ambition, but most of the salesmen who are playing this game with their family are actually spending more time living the high life in hotels than they are closing deals. They love playing the bachelor, hooking up in hotel bars. One of the salesmen who fit this definition that I know got asked for a divorce while his wife was 9 months pregnant because she found out what "working late" really meant. These men often had several recurring girlfriend-types in different cities that they circulated to.

Real deal-closers tend to have a "work hard, play hard" mentality that means they spend time with their families and make it very high-quality time, fabulous vacations to exotic destinations and lots of togetherness.

Ask yourself whether your husband's level of success has been commensurate with what he's been doing. Someone who's honestly and truly so focused on hard work that they are missing out on this much will be getting promotions, new territory, making 4x the money this year that they did a couple of years ago.

Is that what's happening in your relationship? Is your husband contributing hugely increasing amounts year-on-year? Because this level of dedication to a job only makes sense as actually being job-related if he's having the kind of success that comes with constant dedication and hard work.

But I'm going to guess he's just keeping your heads above water. Is that closer to right?

Tell him that you are ate done and seriosly considering breaking up and want 50/50. Point out costs wrap around childcare, cleaner etc.

He is fully taking advantage of you and is not interested.

My bosses always say they want us to be passionate so you can't please everyone...

Does he have a PA or someone at work with control of his diary? He is clearly being an arse and cant see it. If you can get events put in his diary at work then he has to make conscious decisions to put you second or sees that he is being an arse. Put in things like birthdays and anniversaries but also trips to the zoo or some such. If he starts to delete them then you know where you stand.

This sounds like more than work to me too. I know several people who have to travel abroad for work, work very long hours, take phone calls at unsociable hours etc. - but they still are involved in their families. It doesn't sound as though your DH is TBH.

My guess would be that he is either ready to check out of family life & lead more of a single "only myself to please" life or there is an OW and at least some of the late nights and/or trips away are cover for seeing her.

Whatever the truth, you certainly deserve better.

If he really wanted to "fix" the anniversary mistake he would have cancelled the work do he was going on, off his own back, while apologising profusely as soon as you mentioned it was the same date.