AIBU to think my husband loves his job more than us?

[HappyMum4]

Basically, DH has had this job for the last 5 nearly 6 years now, where he travels quite a bit, leaves early, back late, that kind of thing, sometimes weekends, his mobile never stops, and he never seems to be able to stop answering it or checking emails, which he even checks and replies to when he goes to the loo which I find repulsive. He goes abroad a few times a year, sometimes overnight, sometimes 5 days, sometimes longer. He has become significantly more "into" his job, and spends the majority of his time doing it, even when I think he should be giving us his time, it seems to be all he can think about, even to the point where he forgets things that mean a lot to us, his family - when the children have exams, he forgets to ask how they went, forgets names of their friends, forgets what they're doing and when, forgets when school finishes, or after school clubs which have been on the same night for many months, he forgets birthdays, Valentine's, Mother's Day, and now I discover he's forgotten our wedding anniversary which we had planned to celebrate, and he's booked a works event for that evening, he'll be back about midnight. He's away currently for 5 days, flew to the US, for a big sales event, at a huge luxury hotel, could have taken us but claimed it would have cost too much. He couldn't wait to go. And it's clear from the few conversations we've had he's having a ball. No sooner does he fly back from there, three days later he's away again, overnight, on a "team building" go karting-with-the-boys exercise, with a couple of meetings thrown in.
And it's things like he seems to come to life with work, especially when he's away, he just seems so happy and having such a good time, and when he's with us he's a grumpy bastard, total shitbag sometimes, shouts at us, a couple of weeks ago he lied to me about something, which I found out and approached him about, apologies profusely then the next day yells at me and says it's my fault he lied as I make such a fuss.
I'm thinking work means more to him than we do, but he says I'm not understanding, that he is spinning plates and can't remember everything and it's important to remember stuff re his job coz he doesn't want to lose it, says that I should be happy he's having a good time with his colleagues and if I went out with friends he would want me to have a good time. I gave up my job to raise the children and we've moved around so much because of his job, I don't have many friends. Am I being unfair and unreasonable like he says?

DeadGood, not so great. I was told in no uncertain terms yesterday that works makes him feel like a success, we make him feel like a failure. So work will take priority every time I'm thinking. Why would he waste his time with us if we make him feel like that? I guess it's making sense now, why he spends so much time on work. I tried to tell him I'm lonely, alone, work takes up so much of his time. But every time without fail when I try to talk about my concerns, me feelings, he always turns it around back to him, I'm "blaming him, it's all his fault", but he makes it sound like he's a victim, so he can take the higher ground, in being unreasonable. He came home 10.30pm from a meeting last night, first thing he did when he came robbed was open his laptop and start filling out a report. "Save him doing in in the morning" he said. Then after he finished, he closed it and said "right, now I can give you some attention" - how is that supposed to make me feel???
How can I compete with the highs that the job brings? With the chilling out with the lads? If he feels that when he's here it's just hassle and we make him feel bad about himself? Our DS was trying to talk to him a couple of days ago, engage him in conversation and he couldn't take his eyes off his mobile, where he was on Amazon looking for a new watch strap.....he wasn't listening, wasn't engaged. So I told him, as carefully as I could. Then he feels like a bad father, and he doesn't like that. And I make him feel like a bad husband. He doesn't like that either.
So it's not so good right now 😔

Ummm he is a bad father. And a shitty husband. If you get to grips with that, its not all and that he feels that way... I'm sorry, trying to put a silver lining in, but this is only headed one way. Have you asked him point blank why you should stay in this marriage with someone who says that work will be their first priority always, and who can't pay any attention to their children? If not, why? What do you think he might say? Any kind of anniversary gesture from someone who can actually say this is just wrapping on the bullshit.

It sounds like all his self-esteem is entirely dependent upon his work; it makes him feel important & successful. Maybe there's the thrill of the chase of it's a sales-type role. Or maybe be wants to be the "provider" up in a pedestal. His needs are being met, and he doesn't seem to consider yours.

Would he agree to some personal counselling to explore his work obsession?

It doesn't sound like he wants to change anything, and for you to continue to put up with it.

No, he wouldn't get counselling at all, he won't "talk to a stranger " as he puts it. I caught him out lying again today. But he doesn't know I know. I read an email he sent, it's another stupid lie, he was a a meeting, there was food left over, he left it in the fridge for the people coming in the next day, then I mentioned later how it was a shame there was no leftovers from his meeting (he's brought some home in the past), as we could have used it for supper, and he lied and said the caterer had taken everything away with him, why couldn't he just say he'd left it for the people the next day, I wouldn't have been remotely bothered, and the later he deleted the email he sent as confirmation he'd left the food, as it was proof he'd lied. Why is he being devious?
The whole relationship is dead and buried, on top of everything else, I'm not going to be lied to.

He is a failure as a father and husband. Perhaps you should tell him that. And ask him why he's still living with you.

I'm sorry you're going through this, your marriage is in name only and it's going to end soon. How are things going with getting your ducks in a row? I think you need to pick up the pace.

I agree with Motoko.

Your dh has his priorities all wrong, and he is making a very poor job of being a husband father. You can do better, op!

He sounds like a 'single guy who happens to be married' who also comes across as a narcissist given his behaviour towards you and your family. Unfortunately he is unlikely to see that he has done anything wrong and it will always be someone else's fault.

Oh happy - sending you more hugs ! He obviously doesn't like to think that he's a failure at anything so when you tell him how he's a shit dad & dh, he turns it back on you

You & your kids deserve so much more & will be much happier without him xx

I think he doesnt want the marriage to end as then he will be seen as a failure in the eyes of his colleagues. Right now it probably looks as though he can work hard and keep his marriage going.

He is not meeting your or your DC needs. He is not even open to trying to work on his relationship if not with you then the DC. That is what would worry me most that he is being dismissive of the DC (as well as you) his attitude to them will damage their self esteem. Work is more important to him - he is the big man there, ever so needed. however, we all know that no one is irreplacable at work no matter what they like to think.

His attitude is grinding you down. As others have suggested get some legal advice, look up CMA and benefit calculators (turn2us is good) get copies of income/mortgage/investment documentation - get your ducks in a row. When you are ready have a "final" talk - give an ultimatum if he won't go to counselling or change his ways then it's over and be prepared to stick to your ultimatum.

What do you want Happy? I think you have to assume that he's not going to change and work out the best possible outcome for you and the DC from that point. That might be separate lives in the same house while still being technically married, or it might be a separation/divorce. The thing is that he is already doing what suits him best without consideration for you, you need to put yourself first. He will be fine whatever happens, bitter and annoyed possibly, but fine, because he's clearly good at recognising his own needs and putting them first.

Once I fell out of love with H, my approach to our relationship became much more work-like. I didn't allow any emotion on his part to affect me (that took a while to perfect, because up until that our interactions were mostly about either keeping him happy or trying to make him understand my feelings). I don't know about your situation but my H is never wrong, so I stopped trying to encourage a change or contradicting him, instead I said things like "We are both trying our best, but we are both very unhappy in this relationship, something needs to change." If he criticised me, I would say "This is how I am, I doing what I think is best. It sounds to me like you need a different type of person for a wife." If he shouted I would say "I don't want to be shouted at, we both deserve better than that. We'll talk about it another time when you're feeling calm." When he said I was ruining the DC's lives, I said "It seems to me that you don't have much attention to give them now. They might be better off with your full attention for shorter periods than the way things are now."

Basically every criticism he had was given back to him as a reason for a relationship change. Every complaint that I was making him unhappy was given back to him as a reason that he might be happier with a different type of person. Every reference to the DC was countered with both of us wanted them to be happy, and I knew that he would do the best by them, but the current situation was not good for them so perhaps we could find a better way.

You will know you are enabling his high-flying career development at the expense of your own?
Please get a toe-hold back in the workplace. Even part time experience helps and might give the possibility of increasing hours eventually. It's going to be really important if you split - to get a mortgage, to get a credit card. Even if you don't, at least you would have more choices so you don't feel trapped.
Get that job, make it a fait accompli, force his hand to step up with the DC responsibilities.
I am not legally qualified but if you split you are expected to get back on your own two feet earning very fast. I would not expect any spousal maintenance unless your H is an exceptionally high earner and even then it will probably only be awarded for a couple of years. Meanwhile, your H will be very comfortably off apart from paying an annoying bit of child maintenance.
This is the voice of experience

I read Stephen Fry's Chronicles recently in which he notes all the workaholics he has ever known have done it for entirely selfish reasons, despite claiming it's for the benefit of their families.