AIBU to think my husband loves his job more than us?

[HappyMum4]

Basically, DH has had this job for the last 5 nearly 6 years now, where he travels quite a bit, leaves early, back late, that kind of thing, sometimes weekends, his mobile never stops, and he never seems to be able to stop answering it or checking emails, which he even checks and replies to when he goes to the loo which I find repulsive. He goes abroad a few times a year, sometimes overnight, sometimes 5 days, sometimes longer. He has become significantly more "into" his job, and spends the majority of his time doing it, even when I think he should be giving us his time, it seems to be all he can think about, even to the point where he forgets things that mean a lot to us, his family - when the children have exams, he forgets to ask how they went, forgets names of their friends, forgets what they're doing and when, forgets when school finishes, or after school clubs which have been on the same night for many months, he forgets birthdays, Valentine's, Mother's Day, and now I discover he's forgotten our wedding anniversary which we had planned to celebrate, and he's booked a works event for that evening, he'll be back about midnight. He's away currently for 5 days, flew to the US, for a big sales event, at a huge luxury hotel, could have taken us but claimed it would have cost too much. He couldn't wait to go. And it's clear from the few conversations we've had he's having a ball. No sooner does he fly back from there, three days later he's away again, overnight, on a "team building" go karting-with-the-boys exercise, with a couple of meetings thrown in.
And it's things like he seems to come to life with work, especially when he's away, he just seems so happy and having such a good time, and when he's with us he's a grumpy bastard, total shitbag sometimes, shouts at us, a couple of weeks ago he lied to me about something, which I found out and approached him about, apologies profusely then the next day yells at me and says it's my fault he lied as I make such a fuss.
I'm thinking work means more to him than we do, but he says I'm not understanding, that he is spinning plates and can't remember everything and it's important to remember stuff re his job coz he doesn't want to lose it, says that I should be happy he's having a good time with his colleagues and if I went out with friends he would want me to have a good time. I gave up my job to raise the children and we've moved around so much because of his job, I don't have many friends. Am I being unfair and unreasonable like he says?

Has he been in touch since?

OP I notice you've not answered about how much the family actually benefit from his success i.e. is he really raking in the big bucks or is his time not really reaping rewards?

Does he realise that when the DC get older the likelihood that they won't want to bother with them if he can't be bothered with them now.

I work in the City so I can see how this happens. Its easy to get sucked into the sense of importance you get from always being needed but the reality is that being available 24/7 doesn't make you better at your job because you lose perspective.

How would he react if the family ignored his birthday or Father's day?

OP - it is definitely 100% normal to feel like this. My guess is that womb hit it on the head - he is not the CEO of a major plc and therefore not earning the sort of salary to maintain family life on his sort of schedule.

I had this with my DH - he works in finance so there is pressure but he was acting like he was the boss of the biggest company in the world. Eventually I absolutely lost it with him, cut his ego down to size and pointed out that when he earned enough to pay for wrap around child and domestic care and to fly us all out to stay when he was abroad in the holidays then he could stop acting like such a dick, roll his sleeves up and get stuck in to family life. He hated it at the time but it did work, he has far less of an ego and is far more engaged with the DDs than he used to be.

If you want to go back to work then stick to your guns - he has to step back up to the plate and take responsibility for his children.

You have to do something. And if it wasn't work it would be a hobby like pps say - something fun and with the guys where you all get to pretend you're awesome and you don't have to deal with the daily grind of bringing up children and running a home. Can you imagine the children grown up and you being retired? It sounds pretty miserable tbh with this guy andyou having no other job hobbies and not even usually going out with a friend because you feel guilty.!

ElspethFlashman, he doesn't communicate with me when he's with his pals/colleagues, but when it's the end of the day and he's backs back in his room he expects me to be waiting for him, so he can text or FaceTime. When I don't reply to his texts (coz white honestly I'm sick of feeling taken for granted and at his beck and call) he gets huffy with me.
Chazs he claims to be remotely not bothered about his birthday or Fathers day, in his words "it's just another day". When I turned 30, with one month to go with our first child, he bought me a card. That was it. I was a tad upset, so he went to the supermarket on his way back from work and got me a plush Tigger Christmas sack. Special occasions just don't seem to register on his radar. And financially, we are ok off so that we don't need the extra wage but it's still tight st the end of the month. It's not a six figure salary or anything. It certainly doesn't compensate for his lack of effort, consideration or time.

Happy
I do earn a 6 figure salary as do many of the people I work with. The vast majority of them are not living for their job the way your DH is. He is not earning enough to justify being away from the family when he really doesn't need to be. The benefit to the family of what he earns does not outweigh the detriment. That's not to say only a high salary justifies long hours but rather that the benefit that the income long hours brings has to outweigh the loss of involvement in the family.

Oh this sounds just like my dad (except it was a six-figure salary).

He died suddenly when I was ten, and we barely noticed. My life actually improved, because my mum didn't feel she had to try to persuade him to join in with family stuff any more, we could just crack on with it. So far more daytrips, activities and holidays.

He's checked out, if you are able to I would suggest that you check out too. Assume he won't turn up to anything, book family holidays without him, and see how he likes it. At the minute he seems to think he can keep you hanging about until it's convenient for him - start doing what you want to do.

Happy this is misplaced I think. I have done everything and there have been times when DH has checked out of family responsibilities and quite big time. But we've been a team and it has been worth it emotionally and dare I say financially.

I'm not sure you are getting enough back. You can't take out more than you out in but that depends on there being something to take out.

I too work with plenty of people on 6 figure salaries. They do work from home days or ieave etc for family commitments and create some balance. Recently one couldn't get to something as it was his kids school concert. He told me about the role his child had after. I don't give a shit what my husband earns, it's not more important than his family and he knows that.

Remind him of what he gets from his family, and what the life of a man with no family is like.
You could point out the people and his comments on the single lone men, who has nothing to come home too.

This rings so many familiar bells for me.

Funny thing is, now that we are separated and I work a five day week (not quite full time), he simply has to leave work on time on 'his' days, and simply has to do school drops on 'his' days. He can no longer delegate it all to me, and miraculously, those pockets of time could suddenly be found.

If I'd stayed with him, I'd still be doing it all, and feeling second-best. THIS IS MY MOST IMPORTANT POINT TO YOU: he was forced to change when there was no alternative. I work just as hard (for a fraction of his income), and I am uncompromising when it comes to scheduled pick-up times. My client meetings are important, no less than his.

He's not even on a six figure salary?!

Hi OP. Yes I think your H is choosing to opt out. I have a big job, 6 figures etc but I took my daughter to school every day apart from maybe 2-3 days all academic year (my husband is SAHD). He is choosing this, it isn't all abaout the demands of the job. Good luck in finding your way through this (which is crap, I completely agree)

I'm guessing he's not very senior in his company op? He's basically a sales person or sales manager? I think he just wants to be one of the lads, feel he is part of it, you know like one of these guys who wants to be in with the popular kids,

How old is he and how old are the kids now?

I think there is very likely unreasonableness on both sides. On yours because uou resent your personal situation so feel even if he's away with work, he's basically just having fun. On the other hand he's just throwing himself into it and forgetting you all at rhe first opportunity. Probably resentment on both sides.

I think depending on the age of rhe kids, it is indeed time to find someone for you to focus on. A job, volunteering, something that gives you something else going on in your life.

Some great posts here. He sounds like a selfish arse, who thinks he has the ultimate excuse to take his family for granted because he can always play the "but I'm out earning money to support us" card. Do you love him any more? If you don't love the person that he has become then you probably need to tell him that the next time he pays lip service with the "I love you tonnes" stuff. That might pull him up short.

And "a plush Tigger Christmas sack"- WTAF???

Bluntness, kids are still primary school with one in secondary, he's early 40's, and yes, sales manager, spot on. Very much one of the boys, it never feels like he's quite grown up enough to become fully fledged adult with family responsibilities, and you are totally right, I do feel very resentful when he goes away and has fun opposed to working, so meals in nice restaurants, time spent at hotel bar, the 5 days he's just been on was two parties and most of Sunday free time so he was lunching, hanging out with the other guys, then dinner, I know I'm being really unreasonable about this but I would really have appreciated and valued if he could have left them for even 30 mins just to find a quiet spot to call, text, FaceTime whatever, I would have felt priority in his life and not benched the second he is with them, which is how I currently feel, but I guess I'm being selfish? This is why I really value the input of all you guys, I'm just so confused as to whether I am being selfish, coz I don't think I am but he always makes me feel wrong for having these feelings. But after all these great posts and advice I'm feeling a lot more positive about what I need to be doing, and that actually I'm not that wrong.
Jessie - tigger sack - I know, right?! Everything you day rings true. I tried to mention some stuff last night (he's back now), have to tread careful and pick my moments coz it's so damn easy to push his buttons and he flies off the handle, mentioned a job is JUST a job, but a family is everything, he said he knows, but he wants to do a good job, be successful, prove himself, I said I understood but that also applied to us too, his family, he said he knows he needs to work on that, I said it feels like he loves his job more, but he said no, not true. It's just I've heard this kind of stuff so often, occasionally we've had what I considered really constructive conversations but nothing seems to change.
I explore the love issue frequently. I feel like the love we had is being eroded by him, the depth of my feelings is not the same, I often think I don't love him, but I think that's surface, based on anger and resentment and disappointment, deep down I'm pretty sure I do, because I want him to change, to love us, to make us feel like we come first, so I must love him if I still want that. I do feel I'm drifting away though, emotionally.

You are not being selfish.
He's neglecting his family.

When he says it's not true , can you talk about actions? There are lots of different things you do which make me feel that way so it doesn't really help that you say it's not true. The new I just feel we are dismissed as well as unloved because you don't even notice. But really he sounds too selfish for this type of conversation to work , he would have to consider it from your point of view which I think he strongly doesn't want to do, because he doesn't really care that he is selfish as it suits him. You can maybe get through to him by throwing some enormous tantrums, getting a job, making him responsible for picking up the children a couple times a week, and refusing to back down or take no for an answer even one single time. Maybe.

As another poster mentioned, all that arsey behaviour and he isnt earning a 6 figure salary?? Honestly my husbands wok is his life. He is in a public services job, does earn a decent amount. And as others say, life is a lot more pleasant when he is not here. Like you op its like you have to beg for them to be a husband and father. He is literally twitchy and jittery when not at work.

"I know I'm being really unreasonable about this but I would really have appreciated and valued if he could have left them for even 30 mins just to find a quiet spot to call, text, FaceTime whatever, I would have felt priority in his life and not benched the second he is with them, which is how I currently feel, but I guess I'm being selfish?"

Just stop it OP. You aren't being selfish and you know it!

Sorry for tough love but you NEED to start owning these feelings or you will never resolve it with him.

No more chats about how he needs to try harder. It won't work and that should be clear by now.

Instead, plan your life without him and really make inroads into getting a job. I know it's hard and he MUST support you when needed. State your needs as facts and simply tell him what he needs to do (he can organise childcare if he will not be available).

Good luck, you are definitely in the right.

You are not being unreasonable at all !

Every time you talk about it, he says what you want to hear but then doesn't do anything to change his behaviour

You need to think whether you want him to realise how serious this is & if you want him to actually try hard to stay married to you or if it's gone beyond that for you & you no longer want to be married to him

Big hugs to you xx

Thank you all so much guys, it might sound silly but because of the way we live, I'm on my own, alone and lonely, it's been uplifting and cheered me up no end to read your posts, don't feel so alone, and all your advice has really helped clear the fog. DeadGood I need tough love, I really do, and ny20005, thanks for the hugs.☺️☺️☺️

I can see both points of view, I think the best thing you can do is just sit down and talk.

He might not be on a 6 figure salary now, but perhaps that's what he aspires to be? He might think that by concentrating on that, that's what's best for the family.

Honestly sit down and talk openly about your goals, if you want to work, make that clear. If you want him around more just say, schedule a few hits a week "family time" where you all kick back, watch a film, go out for lunch etc, as a basic starting point.

As a freelancer/contractor I was on a 6 figure salary, how ever it was high risk and high stress. I am now a middle manager on a perm role half way to a 6 figure perm salary (excluding bonuses), I thought it would bring stability to family life, but basically middle management is not fun at all. There is a large talent pool to compete with and to be noticed by the execs you need to be present, as in in the office the same obscure times as they are, to be networking like crazy (also known as going out with colleagues!) and just being the senior management donkey!!

I honestly dont think anything fishy is going on, just the usual stresses of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Balancing family life with the ever demands of work (the more you give work in these positions the more they take!)

I reckon he will be feeling like he is doing his best for the family, so if you come on too strong his feelings will get hurt. And he won't engage with any of your opinions or frustrations.

Take it back to basics and have a chat over a glass of wine about your feelings and his.

I think there may be people at work taking advantage of him and never a response of 'no, promised to be back at home', because he hopes for promotion or other career advancement. Or thinks he is indispensable or even fears the sack.

Hopefully I am wide of the reality, but these were thoughts that entered int my head.

I did a stupid thing tonight. So he's back from his 5 day trip abroad, only to go away overnight again for a meeting which in all honesty could have been done in a day. But his boss has decided to have a team bonding exercise of go karting. And tomorrow he's getting up at 5am to climb up some mountain. Again, bonding with the boys.
He facetimes me, after the go karting and meal afterwards, and it's clear he's a) very happy after such a good evening with the lads b) drunk.
So I expressed some opinions and basically it hasn't gone down well at all.
After everything that's gone on these last few days/weeks/months, they can have him. He can devote as much of himself, his time as he wants. I'll live my life with the kids, take them places without him, do things, go for the work route, if struggling there, do volunteer work just to give me something else. I'm damned if I'm sitting here taking this any more whilst he swans off, gets drunk and soaks up the testosterone laden atmosphere.