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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
Hisnamesblaine · 05/08/2017 07:54

Very suspicious

N0tNowBernard · 05/08/2017 07:55

Hi OP
This sounds awful for you to be around let alone the fact that your family holiday was ruined. If your DD noticed enough to make a comment then you know it's not just you imagining it.
Did you say to him, what's wrong? Why are you being so quiet? Or even "what are you doing on your phone?"
It might not be an affair, he could have something else that he's really worried/obsessing about. Try and talk to him and see what he says.

hickorydickorynurseryrhyme · 05/08/2017 07:58

It does sound very odd behaviour. If you confront him just be prepared for an answer you might not want to hear. It's best to be open and honest with each other. Although it may hurt. Good luck

SpartacusSaiman · 05/08/2017 07:59

Wether its an affair or something else, he is being a colossal dick.

Have you tries discussing his behaviour with him.

Honestly i would be thinking affair as well.

NSEA · 05/08/2017 07:59

If my husband behaved like this I would directly ask him what was wrong. But then I am not averse to confrontion etc.

He could be having an affair, or he could be having a difficult time at work, or he could have fallen out with a friend... you should maybe start by saying his change in behaviour has not gone unnoticed and is there a reason for it.

I wouldn't put so much onto texting/early mornings after a night out though. He could have been unwell and when I go out I don't sleep well and often just get up instead of stewing in bed.

Or, if you are the type, you could always just check his phone.

MyCalmX · 05/08/2017 08:00

It doesn't look good OP. I would confront him with his shit behaviour and let him know you have your suspicions. I would hate him thinking he's getting away with it and that I had no idea.

If it continued I'd ask him to leave.

lookatyourwatchnow · 05/08/2017 08:01

Whatever it is, it isn't good.

PearlyPinkNails · 05/08/2017 08:04

What's he said when you've asked him what's wrong?

missiondecision · 05/08/2017 08:05

Just ask?
Why on mn is it a crime to ask your dh/dw what is going on? You don't seem yourself. Why are you always on your phone?

SpartacusSaiman · 05/08/2017 08:07

I dont anyone thinks its a crime.

But cheaters dont have a great reputatuon for being honest. So i think a lot of people feel questioning them will tip off the cheater and they will hide the evidence better.

I am more of the confront head on type though.

Scrumptiousbears · 05/08/2017 08:15

I agree with others. There is clearly something up. First step ask him. If he doesn't respond I personally would start investigating.

Cherylvole · 05/08/2017 08:18

Could be early depression. Everything too much. Overload etc. Work stress. Maybe he's been sacked and he's not telling you.
Or an affair.

WhoreOfBabyliss · 05/08/2017 08:21

You got to get a look at that phone OP.

MissBax · 05/08/2017 08:22

Oh dear, this would trigger major anxiety in me too OP, but I would have definitely tried to speak to him about it before now. Have you asked him what's going on?

TooLow · 05/08/2017 08:22

Clearly something it on his mind but like other posters said it doesn't necessarily mean an affair.
You do need to bite the bullet and confront him though OP otherwise it will just drive you mental

Blondienut · 05/08/2017 08:25

You need to sit him down with no distraction and ask him what's up. Yes it could be an affair but equally it could be a work issue.

Have you been having sex?

ChinUpChestOut · 05/08/2017 08:25

Like a PP said, you have to be prepared to hear an answer that you don't want to hear. That's if you ask him outright "What's going on?".

Your other option is check his phone or his email if you have the opportunity/passwords.

But again, be prepared to see something that might indeed turn your worldupsidedown.

So take a deep breath, and do something about it, because his behaviour is completely out of the ordinary, and something's happened. He might deny everything of course, and then he's on his guard. But then, you will be as well.

Sorry, OP, you have some uncomfortable times ahead.

NashvilleQueen · 05/08/2017 08:27

If this is out of character and he's usually fully engaged at home when he's with you and DD then something significant has triggered it. He's either really worrying about work or there's someone else on his mind.

RhubardGin · 05/08/2017 08:27

Have you sat down with him properly and asked him what's wrong and that people are starting to notice a change in his attitude/behaviour?

Something is obviously up, could be work related, an affair, gambling addiction, maybe he's a secret drug dealer? Who knows!

Speak to him OP.

AlternativeTentacle · 05/08/2017 08:27

It has many of the traits of an affair, yes.

troodiedoo · 05/08/2017 08:31

The behaviours you list do suggest an affair as the most likely unfortunately.however work stress, money problems or illness could be the cause.

You can confront or snoop. I'd guess from what you've said asking him will result in him being angry and deflecting onto you.

Good luck Flowers sorry yours and dds holiday was ruined.

Cherylvole · 05/08/2017 08:32

He's quite rubbish at it if he is. Text book

happypoobum · 05/08/2017 08:38

Yep this sounds very suspicious.

Even if he isn't having an affair he is a boring miserable fart. I would probably tell him he was boring me to death and could he fuck off and live somewhere else. That might provoke a conversation?

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 08:44

Fuck I just looked in his wallet while he's in the bathroom, receipt for condoms. I've taken and hidden it, was that right thing to do?

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 05/08/2017 08:45

Affair is most likely from what you have said.

Can you check his phone?

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