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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
cluelessnewmum · 05/08/2017 09:46

Yes I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, what a terrible shock.

I think you need to get more concrete proof, as others say photograph the receipts and keep checking his wallet as you can't look at his phone. Does he ever use a laptop for his emails?

Do you know where the sailing weekend is meant to be and who he's meant to be with? Is there a way of conclusively proving he's not there (eg contact the friend he's supposed to be with on the pretence he's not picking up his phone?)?

Can you find some reason for cancelling the 'romantic' weekend for you two as you really shouldn't have to go through the pretence of that.

Joey7t8 · 05/08/2017 09:46

Who keeps any receipts in their wallets? Let alone a receipt for elicit items such as some johnnies?

Suspicion of the veracity of this story aside, the rest of it sounds like classic affair behaviour though.

SpartacusSaiman · 05/08/2017 09:48

I am sorry op

venusandmars · 05/08/2017 09:49

If he gets angry or flustered, or demands to know what you know, then you know he is trying to hide something.

Keep as still and quiet as you can, and wait for him to answer.

He may lie. But you already know that something is seriously off. Sorry you're going through this.

Monsterpage · 05/08/2017 09:49

Take the time to think about what you want too. Some time and space to consider how you want your future to look like is a good idea.
If this is a false alarm and he has perfectly good reasons for everything then he needs to answer to his behaviour pushing you and your daughter away. If he is having an affair, which is looking more probable, you need to re-evaluate, ideally with a bit of space so get him out of the house. Good luck x

PearlyPinkNails · 05/08/2017 09:50

Why's he paying to go to the British Museum!? It's free.

You really need to ask him WTF is going on

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 09:51

I've only been married this once, I've been through relationship shit before, not married, years ago, pre internet and involved fraud, bank etc. I put all the evidence together myself, fought my case and cleared my name. He knows that, he knows I am strong when pushed, I nearly died when I had our only child who is now having teen issues and having counselling. That really cuts me to think he can do this when I've been trying to support our daughter. AND I'm starting a year long study in September, his suggestion some months ago for what I'm going to do 'next' as I've been a SAHM

OP posts:
LouHotel · 05/08/2017 09:55

Wow your post described my dad on our last family holiday before my mum discovered his affairs. Miserable bastard destroyed everything.

My mum got rail roaded in the divorce OP, you need to be smart which is sounds like you are. If you have credit cards you need to cancel them so he cant run up debt in your name. Get yourself a seperate bank account and start splitting funds.

You can be angry later now its time to be pro active.

LouHotel · 05/08/2017 09:57

@joey7t8 my brother when was was little found empty condom boxes in my dads work van which he just said was his employees.....sometimes its hiding in the open.

Raver84 · 05/08/2017 09:57

I'm sorry. For me you have all the evidence you need. If you can tolerate it try and gather more evidence for this weekend away he has planned. I would try and keep as far away as possible from him as I'd probably explode with rage. Cancel your hotel trip next weekend. Invent an illness and make an excuse. Keep your distance and gather your evidence.

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 05/08/2017 10:02

Will your coarse help you get a job?If not you need to get one.
If it would then when you have your inevitable chat you can calm state what you want which would be him out but support until you are able to support yourself.
Your dd may sense things are off already.

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 10:05

Thanks for advice and support. I'm trying to stay calm, I need to do a quick bit of research relating to my next career to find something to calm me!

I'm not sure I'm going to do much just yet, just watch and wait. I need to set up a Trello board!

OP posts:
QueenArnica · 05/08/2017 10:06

I'm sorry OP but it's not looking good, these seem like classic signs of an affair (being distant, on phone more often than usual, finding fault with you, taking interest in his appearance etc.)

I personally would have to confront him but can see the value in waiting. Sending you Flowers and Wine . Can you speak to any of your friends about this so you have RL support?

Boredbeforeievenbegan · 05/08/2017 10:13

The fact that you're keeping it together is good, get your financial ducks in line and make sure you are drinking etc.

Rossigigi · 05/08/2017 10:15

Sorry op this is happening to you. All evidence points towards an affair. Hmm

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/08/2017 10:18

I think you know the answer. Could you start organising your paperwork, bank accounts etc, before confronting him ?
I would sit him down, and tell him you have a question for him, and this is his one chance to answer...
I'm so very sorry that you are currently suffering this deceit, you've been married for a long time. You'll find your direction, when you get your answer, you sound wised up, you and your daughter will be fine. 💐

PoppyJ1 · 05/08/2017 10:18

Very strange that he would keep that receipt. Any chance it could be work related or a favour for someone he wants a refund for? I mean, why on earth would you keep that? Unless he keeps everything and was on autopilot. You need to find a way to ask him about it. Can you find an excuse to pop to the shop and ask him to borrow some cash then find that? Not ideal but it's going to nag you otherwise. Or just say you were suspicious, you looked and this is what you found.

cluelessnewmum · 05/08/2017 10:20

Just to relay advice I got with a divorce lawyer when I was having relationship problems - if at the moment you're a sahm think carefully about whether now is the time to undertake this course.

If you do end up divorcing your earning potential at the moment is (presumably) low. If you do the course, his lawyer will then invent an inflated guesstimate of what your earning potential will now be now you're qualified to do X. Might be better to put it on hold if possible.

I would definitely book to see a divorce lawyer this week (pay in cash) and get advice as what you do now may make a big difference to a settlement if it comes to that. Even though my marriage is better now I've never regretted that advice as I've changed a few things financially which may benefit in the long run.

It sounds like you're being very sensible and cool headed OP.

quickychangearound · 05/08/2017 10:21

The British Museum is free

Confused
WineAndTiramisu · 05/08/2017 10:25

quickychangearound - The British Museum is free

I'd assume it was a receipt from there, lunch/gift shop item maybe?

WonderWhippet · 05/08/2017 10:30

The British museum isn't free if you attend certain exhibitions.

BewareOfDragons · 05/08/2017 10:30

I like VenusandMars suggestion.

Sorry, OP. But it does sound like he's seeing someone else.

marmaladeforme · 05/08/2017 10:46

Uchh so sorry to read this op. Here's a hand hold. Stay strong. Wine

Cherylvole · 05/08/2017 10:47

I'm sorry. But no one pays to go to museums. Or keeps condom receipts.

Xanadu44 · 05/08/2017 10:51

Good luck OP. I would recommend a night out with a good friend to have a big chat to. This will help you vent at least xx

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