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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
WhoreOfBabyliss · 05/08/2017 14:58

Yes, don't worry about him being cross about the receipt. You can tell him that his behaviour alone is enough to make you realise he is checked out and also mooning about after someone else which is why you snooped. If he denies it you can tell him to please not add treating you like an idiot to his rap sheet. If he carried on about overstepping and snooping you could say that you have the right to discover what's going on in your own chuffing life FFS.

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 15:26

I had a chance to check his work bag. He spent £30, bought cufflinks at the museum, it was a ticketed event but I can't find the price as it sold out so I don't know how many tickets he bought, etc. He rarely wears cufflinks these days. I also found 2 boxes of condoms, 1 unused another pack of 12, 9 remaining plus one not from the same box and one in his bag. Plus a letter/card, it looked like it'd been in the bag a while, IIt suggested he had 'stayed' with her and for them to forget it ever happened.

Also, just had another look through our credit card payments and there's an easyJet flight booked from Luton £351, no idea for what date or destination, 1 or two tickets, we are also closer to the other two airports. I don't know where he's supposed to be sailing, he's only done UK, The room/apartment is definitely London, it says on the transaction and was booked on 3rd. My guess it was their love nest for the evening.

Other than his bank and credit card, he has no access to our accounts, he's always left it to me, he has no passwords, etc.

It's totally pissing down, he's walking the dogs, poor dogs!

OP posts:
N0tNowBernard · 05/08/2017 15:35

Oh no, that is a lot of evidence isn't it. Sorry OP. Have you decided what to do when he comes back?

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 15:36

Oh, and had a better rummaging in the wallet, found another receipt, dinner for two a couple of days before the holiday, again he had told me he'd be back late and I guessed just another work thing, maybe it was, but obviously now I have too many doubts.

Still biding my time, get legal advice, perhaps cancel all his cards when he flies from Luton! Still not sure what to do about our weekend next week, maybe see if he's going to change his mind!

OP posts:
Rossigigi · 05/08/2017 15:37

I think you need to confront him- this is too much evidence

crazykitten20 · 05/08/2017 15:37

It's totally pissing down, he's walking the dogs, poor dogs!

I hope the dogs are ok 😉

You're going to have to be very brave. I have a strong feeling that you are brave. Much love and respect to you and to your daughter 💕💕

CoffeeAndEnnui · 05/08/2017 15:38

That really is the wallet which keeps on givingHmm

troodiedoo · 05/08/2017 15:43

Please please please cancel his cards while he's away.

Seriously, sounds shit. Hope you have support in real life as well. Stay strong Flowers

BewareOfDragons · 05/08/2017 15:46

Cancel his cards while he's away.

Contact a solicitor asap.

RhinoGirl · 05/08/2017 15:51

I don't know how you're so calm, my DH would be coming home to bin liners full of clothes in the garden and something being thrown at his head! So sorry OP.

FidgetWidget · 05/08/2017 15:58

Does your DH normally walk the dogs in the rain? Is he maybe on the phone to OW? Try ringing his mobile to see if it's engaged....

VladmirsPoutine · 05/08/2017 16:05

I'd honestly make steps to disengage and divorce. What sort of life is this? Constantly checking, doubting, wondering, hurting inside. This is the road to madness.

Uiscebeatha85 · 05/08/2017 16:07

Sorry OP this is so shit. Hope you're ok

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 05/08/2017 16:14

That really is the wallet which keeps on giving Hmm

It is isn't it.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 05/08/2017 16:15

Make sure you photograph everything.

PhuntSox · 05/08/2017 16:15

Could you suggest to him that you take DD on the weekend as she has been through a tough time? I bet he would jump at the chance and it would give you a bit of space to see the solicitor and plan your future.

PolarisStar · 05/08/2017 16:17

How are you being so calm? I'd be absolutely screwing with all that evidence and would be confronting him!

crazymissdaisy · 05/08/2017 16:23

He is a moron as well as unfaithful, keeping all those receipts. Such ludicrous overconfidence that you wouldn't find them, the condoms, the bank statements etc. I can't think why you are biding your time and seeing what he decides to do about the trip etc. If, as it appears, he is having an affair, would you actually still be reluctant to leave him?

supersop60 · 05/08/2017 16:28

I'm so sorry OP - this sounds awful.
Either he wants you to find out, or he thinks you are so trusting that you would never suspect.
You have enough information now - just take a breath and decide how you're going to handle it.
Is it all over? do you want him to leave? Some women would prefer to work through it.
Be prepared for him to deny and minimise, and make you think you are going mad or imagining it. (it's in the Script - they all do it)

IloveBanff · 05/08/2017 16:28

I'm sorry. But no one pays to go to museums. Or keeps condom receipts.

Exactly.

Dumbo412 · 05/08/2017 16:30

I'm sorry OP he's not even trying to hide it.
I would not even put the effort into confronting him. I would be going to a solicitor, then wish him fun with his trip with his trollop before he goes.
I'd be changing the locks and filing for divorce whilst he's away.

I'm so sorry.

winobaglady · 05/08/2017 16:31

Sorry this is happening to you, OP, it's really crappy. Flowers

All good advice about finances, but you probably should get your own sexual health checked. He may not have used a condom every time and if you have been sleeping with him too he may have passed something on to you. I hope not.

Good Luck, you sound sensible.

LoniceraJaponica · 05/08/2017 16:31

The bank may not cancel his cards without talking to him first.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 05/08/2017 16:35

Oh dear. Sounds like he's cheating.

quickname · 05/08/2017 16:36

a receipt for dinner for 2? Hmm