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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 05/08/2017 08:46

I assume you and he don't use condoms Sad

N0tNowBernard · 05/08/2017 08:47

What date is on the receipt?

Olympiathequeen · 05/08/2017 08:49

The saying is when men are having an affair they become nasty to their wives because guilt makes them want to shift the blame onto their wife and see her as an uncaring woman. An unfaithful wife becomes nicer to her husband because her guilt makes feel bad about the betrayal.

I would say 99% sure your husband is having an affair. I wouldn't confront him now as he will 99% deny it.

Look at his phone if you can. Check bank statements and credit card statements for unusual activity. If the house is going to be empty apart from him leave a voice activated recorder in the room he mostly uses when alone. I did this to my ex and caught him out that way. Even considered a car tracker but didn't need to. In short get irrefutable evidence and decide what you will do before confronting him.

TooLow · 05/08/2017 08:49

Oh no! That's not a good sign. Would he be mad at you for looking in his wallet if you asked him about it?
Last thing you need is a row but at the same time you can't really keep quiet about it

Olympiathequeen · 05/08/2017 08:52

Just seen update. Don't confront him yet. He could say he bought them for a friend. Once he is alerted to the fact you are suspicious you won't get evidence as he will become much more careful. Currently he is making slip ups.

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 08:52

Nope, no need I have a semi- permanent fixture. I really feel like handing him his car keys after removing the front door key.

What makes it equally sickening is we are supposed to be having a very expensive hotel weekend, he booked as a birthday present for me next weekend. I feel like throwing it in his face and telling him to enjoy with her not me

OP posts:
Graceflorrick · 05/08/2017 08:53

Oh OP, I can understand your concern. I'm sorry Flowers

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 08:54

Receipt was yesterday, there was also one for British museum

OP posts:
MissBax · 05/08/2017 08:54

OP could the condoms have been bought for your romantic getaway?? I can understand how stressful this must be Flowers

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 05/08/2017 08:54

Don't assume the other is a woman, midlife crisis and a bit of bi-curious is equally possible

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 08:57

I can't look at his phone as it's always locked, I don't know the pin.

We've been together 25 years, married 19 this month,

He'd be angry if he knew I'd been in his wallet, that's why I only took condom receipt, hope he'll think he lost it maybe

OP posts:
worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 08:58

No! Deffo not bi-curious

OP posts:
Goldenphoenix · 05/08/2017 08:58

I don't think there is any need to gather evidence before confronting him, you already know in your heart that he is up to no good. So sorry.

FidgetWidget · 05/08/2017 08:59

OP could you photograph the receipts and replace them?

N0tNowBernard · 05/08/2017 09:00

Yes OP, do you think they could be for your weekend?
Not sure about the Museum though. Was that at a time he told you he was doing something else? Seems strange of him not to mention he had gone there I must admit.

Graceflorrick · 05/08/2017 09:01

Sorry to derail slightly, but why would he be angry about you looking in his wallet generally? Is he quite controlling OP?

MsWanaBanana · 05/08/2017 09:02

OP I know in your head all the signs are pointing to something bad, but you don't know anything for sure yet. There could be an innocent explanation for everything. Maybe something happened at work or maybe he's just generally feeling down? You should talk to him about it though and ask him outright what's going on. Until then, don't speculate as you'll only stress yourself out.

RestingBitchFaced · 05/08/2017 09:03

This doesn't look good does it, how stupid to keep a receipt for condoms in his wallet though - shouldn't be too hard to catch him out. I wouldn't let him know your onto him yet, more snooping required or he will cover his tracks more carefully

hippyhippyshake · 05/08/2017 09:04

Who keeps a receipt for condoms? Is he hoping to get a refund/expenses paid/go half and half? Seems an odd thing to do!

MrsPorth · 05/08/2017 09:04

For now, photograph the receipts and replace them.

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 05/08/2017 09:04

One way would be to keep the receipt and when you are in same room whoops it happens to be on floor and could legitimately have fallen out of his wallet. Pick it up with a glance then dish him a "wtf is this then?"

KrayKray00 · 05/08/2017 09:05

Wow, I was Jami at about to say are you sure he might not be having work or money troubles and not telling you, could be depression, I sometimes feel like isolating myself when I have a down day (not to that extent though). But the condom receipt it very odd especially if you do not use them with him. Confront him, that's the only thing that will resolve the situation. All the best OP it must be horrible for you Flowers

KrayKray00 · 05/08/2017 09:05

Jami?! Just*

MrsRhubarb · 05/08/2017 09:05

Oh dear OP, it doesn't look good. I think you need to go by the standard MN advice and get your house in order (locate important documents, copies of financial statements etc) and once you're organised sit him down and go for it. Good luck.

debbs77 · 05/08/2017 09:13

Oh dear I'm so sorry! Definitely points to an affair xx

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