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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 05/08/2017 10:52

cheryl I've kept a receipt from a museum, still got it now many years on.

You can't say nobody does something because it's not something you would do.

Angeldt · 05/08/2017 10:59

My friends oh suddenly started listening to music by himself, new clothes, new aftershave - speaking about things he's never been interested in before (ow interests/hobbies sudden became his interest) keep looking for signs he will give himself away.

cloudchasing · 05/08/2017 11:10

I'm confused. Someone who is having an affair wouldn't be so careless, imo. Nowhere near.

AlternativeTentacle · 05/08/2017 11:11

Unless they are that careless. In which case...

ZaZathecat · 05/08/2017 11:12

Unless he wants to get caught cloudchasing

cloudchasing · 05/08/2017 11:13

But if he wants to get caught, why not just confess?

troodiedoo · 05/08/2017 11:19

Because if OP takes action and kicks him out and divorces him, he can tell everyone that she is the one being unreasonable and he tried to make it work Hmm

TeamCersei · 05/08/2017 11:20

He'd be angry if he knew I'd been in his wallet,

He has no right to be angry at you.
None of this is your fault.
If he wasn't being such a massive dick towards you and your DD you would have had no reason to snoop in the first place.

You, on the other hand, have every right to be angry.

Cherylvole · 05/08/2017 11:21

It's very textbook.

crazymissdaisy · 05/08/2017 11:21

A genuine question rather than doubting your story, but I am surprised receipt says condoms explicitly, as Tampax is always rung up at the till and on the receipt as "chemist goods". I had assumed it was privacy. Maybe periods are just perceived as shameful somehow.

TeamCersei · 05/08/2017 11:27

I'm not sure I'm going to do much just yet, just watch and wait

Really?
I'm usually all for the watch and wait approach, but in light of all the evidence, I would have to have it out with him.
Why don't you just ask him and get it all out in the open?

If it is linked to depression or stress at wor, at least , by getting it out in the open, you both have a chance to discuss things and he can get some help.
It is is an affair, wouldn't you rather know now, instead of spending weeks on end with a twisted knot in your stomach.
It won't do your health any good, all that wondering.

TeamCersei · 05/08/2017 11:30

^Sit him down, tell him you know he is being deceitful (but do not give any details). Tell him he had one chance to be honest, and if his answer does not match your information you will ask him to leave.
His reaction will tell you a lot.^

OP, this is excellent advice.

mumof06darlings · 05/08/2017 11:42

That's a great idea

WhoreOfBabyliss · 05/08/2017 12:52

Since you found the receipt for the condoms I think I would be sitting him down and saying I know about the other woman and I have an appointment at blah O'Clock with Messr. Blah Blah and Blah, solicitors. I wouldn't be asking him any questions, just stating facts. I would then go quiet and let him spill.

thekillers · 05/08/2017 13:10

I'm sorry. But no one pays to go to museums. Or keeps condom receipts.

Except in chick lit

Huffletuff · 05/08/2017 13:11

A museum receipt is odd.

LoniceraJaponica · 05/08/2017 13:17

I might feel inclined to cancel the apartment booking.

BlurryFace · 05/08/2017 13:20

crazymissdaisy, that sounds like something particular to different shops, I have definitely had receipts with Durex condoms, Kotex pads etc on them, even down to the particular variety.

Also, I don't think it's that weird he kept the receipt. Who doesn't end up with a purse or wallet they can barely shut as it's full of receipts they meant to bin later? The DH isn't being great at covering his tracks, but it could just be arrogance believing there's no way he could be caught. Criminals come a cropper doing the same thing.

Cherylvole · 05/08/2017 13:27

It can't be London. £144

ChinUpChestOut · 05/08/2017 13:37

OP I'm sorry you've already found evidence. It didn't take too long, did it? I rather suspect it won't be hard for you to find something more - maybe a few too many cash withdrawals (if you handle all the finances?), some more receipts - this whatever-it-is has to have started somewhere.

Does he work with anyone who might be an OW - a client or maybe a professional colleague? Has he mentioned a woman's name casually as someone he's met, just introducing it into conversation so he has the opportunity to talk about her?

swingofthings · 05/08/2017 13:37

Like you, I would need some time to process it all and gather my thought to plan my next move, so that at least, that's something I would have control over. If you confront him in anger, if could come up with stupid reasons for everything, excuses you would know are lies, but somehow, will make you feel like you're the idiot.

Firstly, you need to think about what it means for you. Is it a straight 'this is the end of the marriage', or would you consider, depending on his reason, trying to work through it. Some marriages do survive affairs.

If you are clear that it's a deal breaker for you, then look after yourself and your future and then hit him with your plans when they are clear in your mind.

crazykitten20 · 05/08/2017 13:57

Knowing your daughter is struggling and having counselling he treated her like crap and grunted at her?

What a tool. That would be enough for me. I would be incandescent and I'd sort everything ( money etc) quietly and then tell him to get the fuck out of our lives. For good.

maddening · 05/08/2017 14:12

Bide your time, make sure your course is fully paid for, start putting cash away, gather evidence - let him tie himself in knots. No need to blow it up until all your ducks are in a row.

Writerwannabe83 · 05/08/2017 14:38

He kept a receipt for condoms?

And booked a hotel room using a credit card that you can see the statements of?

All sounds a bit odd.

If he is having an affair he's clearly not bothered about you finding out.

LindyHemming · 05/08/2017 14:48

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