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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 05/08/2017 09:14

Just ask him and then ask him to leave. Surely a receipt for condoms is all the evidence you need? I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 09:14

We definitely don't need condoms! I manage all our finances, cards, everything! Also on holiday he asked if he could go on a sailing weekend, he's done this before, I'm fine with it, we both do our own thing from time to time. This one is the weekend after our hotel weekend. Checking our credit card online I can't yet see a payment.

Personally, I think I may be better off keeping my cards close to my chest for now. He's going to be so stupid to underestimate me.

Additional signs were; buying new clothes online, not done that before, and didn't say anything about what he'd bought, buying/using man moisturiser- never used the stuff I've bought in the past.

I feel sick 😷

OP posts:
lionsleepstonight · 05/08/2017 09:18

Agree with pp. Establish all the bank accounts, try get a statement for each, pension statement and any other assets. I assume you are on the mortgage?
Observe, observe, observe for the next few weeks.
If he does not think you are onto him he will provide more evidence for you.
Don't ask him outright, he will deny and so far all you have is a receipt and a behaviour change which he could try to wriggle out of.
Now you are aware, you may find other things more easily.

MissBax · 05/08/2017 09:20

Oh OP I am really sorry! I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but it really doesn't sound good Flowers I'd probably not be able to keep it in and would confront him, but you know what's best for you in this situation. We're all here for you x

N0tNowBernard · 05/08/2017 09:20

You definitely need to keep that receipt and hide it

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 09:22

Just checked the credit card, a payment £144 for apartment on 3rd

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 05/08/2017 09:24

His behaviour appears to have changed quite radically....for whatever reason! You can't live like this, and as you've now got evidence he's buying condoms, (assuming you don't use them together) there seems to be no explanation other than, it's an affair!
You have to ask yourself a) can I live with this till it blows over, or b) can I live with the fall out, if I confront him!
So sorry you're in this awful situation, but most women couldn't turn a blind eye, and I suspect you won't be able to either!

AliTheMinx · 05/08/2017 09:27

Oh OP. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It definitely all seems to point to an affair. I agree that you should get everything in order before confronting him so that you are in a strong position. I would watch him like a hawk and maybe keep a secret note of any strange behaviour with dates and note down details of where he says he is going, etc, so you can later ask him to see if his stories tally. I'm so sorry Flowers

Dancingtothemusicoftime · 05/08/2017 09:28

OP, this is classic affair behaviour - I suggest you ask for your thread to be moved to the Relationships board as you will get fantastic advice and support on there. I am so sorry - been where you are and it's horrific Flowers

LazyDailyMailJournos · 05/08/2017 09:29

Really sorry to hear this OP.

IME and having seen so many threads like this over the years, if it looks and smells like an affair then it usually is. Also whenever your intuition/gut/spidey senses are telling you that something is off, then you're usually right. Trust your instincts.

If you're going to keep schtum for the moment, then use this time to get copies of everything - important documents, bank statements, certificates, pension stuff - in a safe place. It may sound a bit alarmist but if you eventually decide to confront him and it turns nasty then you are already set to protect yourself if you need to go and see a lawyer. Forewarned is forearmed.

AliTheMinx · 05/08/2017 09:29

Have just seen update about the apartment. I think you definitely have enough evidence to confront him now. What a swine! Big hugs, OP xx

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 09:30

Thanks Dancing, how do I get it moved?
😓

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 05/08/2017 09:31

I found condom in my exs wallet, likewise we didn't need them. He gave me some cock and bull story about being on a night out and blowing them up ......

Turns out later he was having an affair with my best friend. I had left by this point as I couldn't live with the loss of trust and actually having the affair was irrelevant - without the thrust our relationship had gone, after I left he admitted it but it was too late.

Crashbangwhatausername · 05/08/2017 09:32

I know every relationship is different but it's odd you think he would be cross about you looking in his wallet, has he always been like this? I also find it strange not to know his pin for his phone, I know others will disagree but it just seems more practical e.g. When you can't find your own phone and need to call it. Anyway, it doesn't sound great but there might be an explanation. Not a nice thought but could your dd have asked him to buy condoms for her and keep it quiet from you? Far fetched but possible

Wdigin2this · 05/08/2017 09:32

Do you see his phone statements, if so there might be a number coming up frequently that you don't recognise. Call the number and ask for something random, you'd be surprised how much people give away, when they think you've dialled a wrong number!

Mrsemcgregor · 05/08/2017 09:35

I have a feeling he wants to be caught. He can't be this stupid surely? He would know you can see the credit card statement. What's he playing at?

rainbowlou · 05/08/2017 09:35

I'm so sorry you're going through this, MN is a great place to come and talk and for getting support x

crazymissdaisy · 05/08/2017 09:36

Is the apartment payment for the sailing weekend? Or a different occasion? You are being incredibly focused and strong and proactive OP. Keep up your momentum and look after yourself (ie keep hydrated, try to eat)

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 09:38

His phone, and only phone is a work phone, the nature of his work means it has to be secure, I don't till now have any read to check it. DD (15) would not ask him for condoms, she'd more likely ask me for that. He's always been private with his wallet, again, it's not bothered me really, we've had off occasions when he's emptied it and we've laughed at the years out of date cards.

OP posts:
SpartacusSaiman · 05/08/2017 09:38

Is the apartmrnt for the sailing weekend.

Tbh the condoms would be enough for me. But not sure about the rest.

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 09:39

No, the apartment is in the city!

OP posts:
hippyhippyshake · 05/08/2017 09:42

Yep, he wants to get caught. He wants you to accuse him, he wants a row to get it out in the open. Nobody could be that dense to think their odd behaviour would go unnoticed.

Skylark678 · 05/08/2017 09:45

I'm sorry this is happening to you, you should confront him asap.
It's sounds like he wants to get caught with such a huge change in behaviour.

Mrsemcgregor · 05/08/2017 09:45

He is a coward, he couldn't just come out and tell you. What a bastard.

venusandmars · 05/08/2017 09:45

Sit him down, tell him you know he is being deceitful (but do not give any details). Tell him he had one chance to be honest, and if his answer does not match your information you will ask him to leave.
His reaction will tell you a lot.