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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
DavetheCat2001 · 08/08/2017 22:55

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AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/08/2017 22:56

It's very easy to let them convince you that you are wrong. That your 'facts' are wrong, that you've taken 2+2 and made 5. He told you he went to the museum. He bought cufflinks - he liked them - so what? The flights?! He booked them for his sailing weekend etc

...it'll be interesting to see how he tries to explain away the condoms. It's your only solid evidence. I'll be he at least tries to blame a mate for them.

LilyMcClellan · 08/08/2017 22:56

I forgot to say, no matter what he comes with at first, no matter how genuine it sounds, when he's finished his piece, don't say anything, don't show any emotion. Take a big sigh, pause again, like you're thinking about it, then look him hard in the eye and finally say, "And that's all you want to tell me, is it?" Don't break stare till he answers.

He may front more details or not, but regardless, then say, "Well, I guess I'll be speaking to my lawyer tomorrow then." What you don't want to do is give away what you do or don't know. As others have said, he will almost certainly lie and minimize in the first instance. It's tempting to give away the scope of what you know early on, but the longer you can hold out, the better your chances will be of getting the whole truth.

If he starts demanding to know what you know, just say "Given your extended deceit, I don't see any reason I should tell you what I've learned or where it's come from so you can go chasing up. If you have any respect for me, and are serious about saving our marriage, you'll respect that I'll make my decisions on my timetable, not yours."

His reaction to this kind of hardline tactic will tell you everything you need to know. If he gets defensive and pouty, he's definitely still lying.

MrsSchadenfreude · 08/08/2017 22:57

Good luck, OP.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 22:58

If he doesn't come home?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 08/08/2017 22:58

I have read this full thread but I think I get the gist of it. I agree keep him guessing about what you know. Just let him know you suspect something. And above all don't believe a word he says. It's not a very good foundation for the future though sometimes people do go on after affairs to be happy. But it must be hard.

Dodie66 · 08/08/2017 22:59

Don't forget you'll need to start a new thread soon. Hope all is ok with you. X

innagazing · 08/08/2017 23:00

Do you think he may be back near home, but gone for a drink in a local pub, or his mates, just to avoid coming home?

mummmy2017 · 08/08/2017 23:00

I told mine I heard he was Training for the Tour de France and the work bike wouldn't get him there, he hit the roof.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/08/2017 23:00

I know someone who simply didnt go back home when he was found out.

Anyone know how long before him not coming home would count as abandoning the marital home ?

beachygirl · 08/08/2017 23:02

If he doesn't come home he is too scared to face you or has made his choice. Either way, you have the upper hand. Just make it clear he won't be back any time soon.

lazycrazyhazy · 08/08/2017 23:02

If he doesn't come home is there someone who can come to you? And you call the solicitor back in the morning with that information. Or get a second opinion from a hot shot divorce lawyer (look at the Legal 500 for ideas). Hug for you.

Hesabawbag · 08/08/2017 23:03

Your head will be all over the place op and you will be easily swayed by lots of conflicting advice on here from people who know how it feels to go through this but don't know you or your husband. Be wary of saying or doing/saying anything whilst in shock. The adrenaline and stress and urgency to know what is true is unbearable. Try and rest. Maybe some relaxing music like classic fm or something.

Scrumptiousbears · 08/08/2017 23:04

I've had this happen to me three times:

  1. Coughed to everything.

  2. Lied about everything.

  3. Hid under the duvet when confronted.

Hesabawbag · 08/08/2017 23:04

He possibly won't give you real truth whilst in shock at being rumbled, you may have to wait.

LilyMcClellan · 08/08/2017 23:05

If he doesn't come home tonight, you'll have your answer, as unsatisfactory as it might be. The thing is though, even if he comes home, chances are that you will never get a fully satisfactory answer. There will always be things you are left wondering about.

For people who try to get past an affair, this is the biggest issue. You can try to trust them again, but you never truly will.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 23:06

I've started a #2! Grin'is he having an affair? #2

I'm going over there now....see you there

OP posts:
KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 08/08/2017 23:06

Is there a link to it?

BewareOfDragons · 08/08/2017 23:07

The fact he didn't come home on the train he said he would be home says a lot ... he was caught unprepared by your texts. He's either trying to figure out what he's going to say (truth/lies, who knows!) or he's not coming home at all because he knows he's been caught out.

BewareOfDragons · 08/08/2017 23:08

Link?

Bagely · 08/08/2017 23:09

How are you feeling, OP?

I think you have shown an immense amount of strength.

LindyHemming · 08/08/2017 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyInBerkshire · 08/08/2017 23:12

Hey love. I'm so sorry today has been so hard. It's been an emotional day. Try to sleep. Tomorrow will be better, either way. However it ends out, there will be people to love and support you x 😕.