Anyone else read the threads on here and think 'I'm going to stay single forever?'

[Lovemusic33]

So many people dealing with cheating husbands and partners, emotionally abusive partners and cocklodgers.

Reading these threads makes me so scared of getting into another relationship. I have been single for almost a year after my ex partner (whom I met through OLD) was abusive towards me and eventually cheated on me. I go on a few dates but I'm scared of getting hurt so I don't usually get past the first 2 or 3 dates. I read so many threads on here where people who were happily married have found their dh/dp/do have been cheating on them and it makes me feel so sad and angry. Why do people feel the need to cheat? If your not happy in a relationship then walk away before you tempted by someone else, before you destroy your partner by making them feel they are not good enough.

I would really like to meet my Mr right but at the moment it's so much easier being single and not risking getting hurt.

Does anyone else read the threads here and think 'thank god im single'?

Saucysausages, I'd be truly interested if you can say the same when you're 45. When I was in my 30s my peers were all hooking up, getting married & having kids - full of trust, optimism and love. 10-15 years on the outlook is decidedly changed.

I been propositioned by a couple of married men who I thought were amongst the good guys. It was pretty upsetting. I like both their wives and neither are smug marrieds or treat me differently for being on my own. But obviously plenty of married guys haven't made me an offer but it makes me distrustful of my own radar.

I'm currently curled up on the sofa with dc2 tucked in the crook of my knees and dc1&3 on beanbags around me. It's cold & wet so we're watching the athlectics and they're minecrafting. Whilst us was ok for him
to down tools, ExH couldn't stand to see me sat & still & would interfere with this holiday idleness. I relish these times.

Yes definitely. I'm newly single after 16 years and my ex is much more reasonable than loads of these arseholes on relationships yet Im still better off without him.

dogfish1 ok no worries.

I'm 34
Been with DH / together since 20, had first child at 25

He's 34 too

Why will it change?

We both work FT share household chores etc he does mornings & I do up until 645 with kids when he gets in.

Have help in the home

Any problems e.g. He said some nasty things recently he listens , apologies & we book couple therapy together. We go out each week for dates and 1 day per week is family day.

I do make more effort than him into family but he also has a 2nd job & runs a business we do on the side so he often is going that 8-10pm when I book social events / buy presents / social stuff

He does the boy activities I do the girls activities

We both go in separate hol each year with our friends. And togeyher for 3 days when in laws have the kids.

Why do men change and he will go off me / get lazy / get arrogant what happens 30-45 as said upthread?

(Feeling scared!!)

Prophet what changed in those years?

Was it eh age of the men i.e. Men getting older becoming unreasonable?

Or was it that some men are lazy and don't do their share at home / don't appreciate their wife and family?

My DH is ex army so he's very tidy does his own ironing cleans a lot etc does that help?! Ha ha

I'm mid-50s and never have been in a relationship. I am constantly hit on by married men STILL despite my age. It's mostly work related and it's not all married men by any means (there are decent men!).

Sometimes I wonder if I did get involved with some 45-year-old married co-worker who is hitting on me how that would go over with his wife - 1) he's cheating and 2) with a much older woman. Then I wonder maybe that's why it's me - their wives would never believe they would sabotage their marriage with a mid-50s woman and they could just lie and lie and it would be believable. Where's the 24-year-old bombshell?

But in the end, I think, if I do take up dating again, how can I tell these men apart - the cheaters from the non-cheaters? There's really no common denominator. It just seems like a lot of work and so I remain a smug single.

I have been single for the last 7 years with the old very short term relationship. The last one ended due to control issues and am now being somewhat stalked. Yes there are times i wish i had someone to share things with, but generally feel im better off on my own. I get very fed up when people tell me i just need to meet someone nice, how do you know that they are? They all seem to be cocklodgers or over controlling pricks. I feel your pain.

I'd agree with Karma. Since we split, a few of my friends have confided that actually they aren't happy in their marriages. These are people I'd assumed to have strong relationships.

Helenadove, loved the comment 'the waxing everywhere'! Im no hairy monster but still think somethings should be kept hidden. I hate the thought that we are expected to look like a preteen little girl, hints at pervy to me.

Saucysausages, i don't think it's so much the men change (although there's a bit of a shift into grumpy old man so much as the women do. Or rather, in the first years of having a family, the woman can be so busy 'firefighting' as such, that she doesn't have time to think. I also think as women get older they tend to get more confident in their own skins and competence, whereas men tend to start off more confident than women and the inevitable setbacks in life undercut that - massive generalisation of course.

And, (on stronger ground here) as time goes on, things that you tolerate/accept or even find endearing can wear thinner and thinner. There might be mistakes in the relationship that a couple get over once, twice but eventually the pattern is unmissable (I know that's what happened with me and my ex - nothing was ever going to change while we were together and I was sick of trying).

Quite content on my own. To be honest the longer I am single the more I prefer it. I make my own decisions, run my home the way I wish to, manage my finances the way I choose, nobody dictating how I should or shouldn't spend money eg clothing etc. Bliss!

Category that's interesting thanks
What are the 'set backs' that typically effect men then? Just so I know! Is it never being able to provide enough money as that seems to be a theme for my DH..

Also why do women get more confident over time? I feel the opposite currently (weight gain and losing my looks). Do you just think 'sod ir I can actually do all of this' sort of attitude at work, home, kids & just stride forth?

Apologies for Qs genuinely interested and don't have older friends / siblings to ask.

Saucy i am sure you are not losing your looks.

Its not just single women who get chancers approaching them. 3 years ago i was "asked out" by a bloke who thinks a bunk up in a car is acceptable.

He STILL tries it on occasionally. He reminded me of someone and i couldnt think who until recently when i heard DH watching Family Guy while i was in the bath.

The guy IS Quagmire from Family Guy in human form!

Do you just think 'sod ir I can actually do all of this' sort of attitude at work, home, kids & just stride forth?
Basically. And you care less what other people think. Plus as children get older you have more time to think about what you really want.
You know, though, I do know a few seemingly strong couples in their 40s and 50s. One in particular seem to have mastered the art of balance and give and take like you sausages. I notice though that the wife is a very forthright and independent woman, despite being with her husband since 18. I'm pretty sure she doesn't take any crap and that keeps the balance. Men tend to find it easy to accept an imbalance of housework / drudge work, as long as it's the wife doing the majority!

They don't seem to notice, or don't want to.
What I did see was that couples who had been, say, together 15 years, married for 10, couple of kids, lots started to split up. Often because of money or cheating or drinking.
Those that stayed togther are now past the 20 year mark and I think will probably last. All have had ups and downs but I think marriage hits a make or break point often in the late 30s/ early 40s.

Saucy what happens to relationships in their 40's is something like this: depression, mid-life crises, parents becoming ill/dying, redundancies, long working hours, etc.

These all impact on relationships & family life: less money for "help" round the house & nice things like holidays & date nights, sex drives get knocked, elderly parents needing more support means reduced family/couple time.

All of which mean you are less "happy", life's a bit of a grind, there's little "fun". My friends & I were saying the other day: why the fuck did no-one tell us how hard life is in our 40's? And it's maybe not going to get easier (at least we have our health just now).

Men are apparently most unhappy at 45, so I guess that's when the mid-20's "fun" secretary at work becomes more appealing, as does a nice sports car. A peri-menopausal spouse asking you to take the bins out - not so much.

Prosecco what you say makes a lot of sense. But I also think that women tend to be more giving and men tend to be very selfish

Agreed, Achoo - men of my generation were the ones bought up in the lad-magazine culture of the 90's, whose mummies didn't work & ran around after them.

They were socialised to work & do hobbies, we were socialised to be "nice" for men & "caring".

And yes, I see a lot of plain selfishness - the archetypal MAMIL who avoids family life by cycling, the self-important high-flyer who massages his own ego by directing all his energy in to work, the men who piss of to the pub after work (switching off their phones so their wives can't call them).

We live in a patriarchy...,..

Cripes, not like that in my neck of the woods, which was far far away. The girls didn't tolerate losers, still don't or at least not for long. I know a few MAMILs, most of whom graft for about 60 hours per week, out of financial need rather than ego. Sports cars? That's pre-2008 thinking. Today it's a range rover, often purchased by the wife as a trophy family statement. Most blokes now who think some downtrodden woman will give them an easy ride are dreaming, IME. This is a good thing, of course.

middle aged man in lycra

Oh but Karma he works full-time! As does his wife of course, but the kids are hers to deal with!

Funny how many man hobbies are so time consuming

Ah, yes, the man I am dating has 'a hoby' which takes up most of his spare time.

I have hobbies but they are things I can do when I have spare time, I don't have to do them every day or on certain days, if I had a partner I would do them less to spend time with them or we could enjoy a hobby together?

I hear so many men complaining that they have been at work all day whilst their wife has been doing nothing all day ( looking after the kids, the home and doing all the dirty work ).