Anyone else read the threads on here and think 'I'm going to stay single forever?'

[Lovemusic33]

So many people dealing with cheating husbands and partners, emotionally abusive partners and cocklodgers.

Reading these threads makes me so scared of getting into another relationship. I have been single for almost a year after my ex partner (whom I met through OLD) was abusive towards me and eventually cheated on me. I go on a few dates but I'm scared of getting hurt so I don't usually get past the first 2 or 3 dates. I read so many threads on here where people who were happily married have found their dh/dp/do have been cheating on them and it makes me feel so sad and angry. Why do people feel the need to cheat? If your not happy in a relationship then walk away before you tempted by someone else, before you destroy your partner by making them feel they are not good enough.

I would really like to meet my Mr right but at the moment it's so much easier being single and not risking getting hurt.

Does anyone else read the threads here and think 'thank god im single'?

Same here. No desire to become a step parent (I'd be awful), and no desire to install a new father figure in DD's life.

Any new man I'd be seeing on such a part time basis that it'd be largely irrelevant whether or not he had children, assuming that he was mature, responsible and able to form relationships.

I'm often surprised that so many people aspire to the blended family set-up, although I acknowledge that I'm probably the odd one for not understanding the appeal!

I'd be more wary if someone had never married or never had a relationship lasting longer than a couple of years by the time they were in their late 30s/40s.

Thats my boyfriend 😂
But to be fair he did have the kind of job that makes relationships pretty difficult. Plus some bad luck/choices. Still, I was a bit ..but actually I have some women friends that made it to 38 with no kids and no long relationship behind them. And while they may be a bit eccentric they're not psychopaths!
I was actually looking for a man with kid/s because I can't have more and was worried about that.
I also didn't find this guy attractive on first meeting in the flesh but we had talked on the phone a lot previously and massively clicked so just gave it a go. I fancy him a lot now ( nearly 2 years on) and his longest ever relationship )
So, you know, sometimes you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, etc etc
Still, I fully expect to find myself on here at some point wailing how he's left me for a 28 year old because he's decided he really does want kids after all. (I'll be posting that from jail obvs).

I have done the step parent thing, I don't really want to do it again. When I go on OLD I tend to steer away from men with young children, I don't mind if they have teens I just can't be doing with step parenting young children again.

I think I am being ghoasted by the man I have been dating so again I am seeing why it's best to stay single, I don't understand why men can't just be honest rather than stringing me along and slowly disappearing. I'm going to try and pick myself up and concentrate on the rest of the summer holidays with my dc's, men just cause me stress and upset.

It's nice to hear that some people are in great relationships with their dw/dh, I do know a few couples who are happy and madly in love but not many, those people are very lucky.

love I occasionally pop on the dating thread too, as you know. Can I just respond to this I don't understand why men can't just be honest rather than stringing me along and slowly disappearing because it isn't just men that do this, women do it too (and they have said as much on the dating thread).

I quite like the idea of being a step parent.
I've always wanted more kids without having to actually give birth to them 😂

I actually lean more towards men who have children. I've only got 1 DD and I find men my age (mid 20s) don't understand the constraints having a child puts on plan making, and they often get put off fairly quickly by it!

I always had the idea in my head that I would be with DD's dad for life and that we'd have one more and be the perfect family. Obv he shot that to shit and now I quite like "blended family" idea!!

I know it seems to work both ways and I have been guilty of talking to someone and then vanishing but it's a bit more annoying when you have been seeing someone (sleeping with them) and they suddenly stop showing interest. He did message yesterday but it was just general and not very helpful criticism about my job. OLD is just such hard work as you know nothing about them, you share no friends and they could be just telling you what you want to hear, it would be much easier to meet someone in RL but I never go anywhere. I think I just need to enjoy being single (which I do 99% of the time).

I think the main problem with me is the lack of sex, would love a FWB but in the past it hasn't worked, mainly because no one has been straight with me from the start leaving me wondering if it's more than just FWB. This guy would be good as a FWB but I can't handle it only being once every 2 weeks as my sex drive is high (never used to be, maybe I'm in my prime).

I understand where you're coming from Love, it's not such an issue if you haven't met much and haven't slept together but it's a shitty thing to do to someone you've slept with.
I have ghosted men but they are people I've only spoken to a handful of times and decided it wasn't going anywhere!
I wouldn't do it to someone I've slept with and I think it's the pits when it happens!!

It makes me so wary about sleeping with people but on the one hand, I'm an adult and if I want to have sex with someone after date 3 I should bloody well do it 😂

I have a habit of sleeping with people after one or 2 dates, I usually regret it afterwards but with him the sex was good and he made me feel like he really liked me (I know some men are really good at this). It's hard to know if I'm being ghoasted and communication via text has always been pretty rubbish, he doesn't always text everyday and he often vanishes mid conversation so this is nothing new but there are less 'cheeky texts' and no mention of next date which I had left up to him. I'm not going to make contact with him today, I just can't be bothered if he can't make the effort. This is the 2nd man I have dated this year and the last one was the same, hardly saw him, messaging slowed right down so I backed off, I then got a shitty message saying 'your obviously not interested or you would have messaged to ask how I am' ,he had cancelled several dates and I had tried hard to sort out seeing each other yet I was the bad guy. I think it seems to be a common thing with men who have been single a while or have a busy social life?

I think when you date in your late teens/20's, it's a lot easier, because you are a blank slate, and you don't have any emotional baggage or children.

By the time you are mid 30's and beyond, the chances are, that you've had a few bad experiences, and you come to the dating table a bit jaded. So, it's a dating pool, of jaded men and women, who all have their guards up and a fear of getting hurt again.

But, you have to try to get beyond those initial barriers.

When DH and I met, we had both come out of bad relationships. I had been with someone for 20 years, and in the latter years, it had come to light that he had cheated with multiple women. So, you can imagine, I had enormous trust issues. DH's last 2 girlfriends had mental issues, and had behaved appallingly to him (disappearing, self harming, threatening suicide, using drugs and a lot more).

We were both totally honest and told each other everything. We never once messed one another around. That worked for us. We have been together for 9 years now, and he really is a lovely husband.

My advice would be to keep dating, and the very first time someone messes you about, dump and move on. There are lovely men out there.

Try not to regret it Love, the idea that women should be proper and not be "easy" is dated and rubbish.
We're adults, participating in safe & consensual sex.
Maybe the best idea going forwards is to have literally no expectations.

I'm speaking to about 3 men right now and I've got no expectations other than for at least 2 out of the 3 to ghost me or disappear - anything more than that will be a bonus!

I think people struggle to be honest in relationships because everyone else is dishonest too with little white lies and ghosting.

I haven't been single for 18 years but I get this and do this in my platonic friendships and with playdates etc. I don't like the guesswork either but I'd rather make excuses or even ghost than say "I don't want to spend time with you right now" or "I think your dc is a little shit"

@lovemusic33

The texting/not hearing from on a regular basis is a total headfuck! My advice is call him, leave a voicemail and if he does eventually call back, tell him how you feel and set some expectations in terms of how often you want to see him/hear from him. If he feels the same then great!

If he doesn't call back - there's your answer.

Two big fuck-off spiders moved into my house last night. So I've lined up three dates for this Thursday, specifically to find a man who will fill the role of chief spider catcher. I'm going to lower the barricades to the invisible wall I've apparently built around myself and see if I'm willing to let one of them in! Wish me luck

@NurseButtercup

I'll catch your spiders as I need them for my place. No dates required but I'm sure dw won't mind me having a brew while on the job.

What I do find depressing is this 'there are no decent men out there' thing. I know plenty of decent men: my husband, his brothers, my cousins, my friends, my colleagues. Of course there are some arseholes around but they're in the minority. I've been married years so had no experience of online dating but I would think that it's very difficult to gauge 'decency' via a screen.

I think the reason women might "slowly disappear" from someones life while dating them is sometimes because they have found out something about the bloke they are dating that they dont like or hes let something slip that betrays his true nature/way he thinks about women.................e.g. that he doesnt see going to strip clubs and/or getting a lap dance as cheating. It tells you a lot about the way he views women and i would want to end things without there being a row.

I know plenty of decent men too (in fact I can hardly think of one I know that isn't). But what is worrying is how often women seem to end up with awful men, presumably having thought they were decent.

Admittedly, this may sometimes be because some women are unfortunate enough to have a badly skewed view of 'decent' due to their own upbringing and poor examples set by the relationships around them when they were growing up. But sometimes it's because the abusive man in question was damn good at pretending to be decent at the beginning. Those are the ones that would put me off even thinking about a new relationship if I were single.

I think it mostly hits hardest when you have dc. When the dc were babies, a. I didn't want to leave them and b. I didn't have the energy etc anyway with breastfeeding and sleep deprivation. Because I was doing that, he was naturally the "back up" parent and was used to being the one out and about, able to come and go as he pleased. I'd have to plan to do anything while he'd just assume he could. And that became a pattern. I think that it probably falls into that for a lot of couples, and it's mostly as the dc get older and the women go back to work or have more time to breathe you suddenly realise how little freedom you have left and how you feel like you're doing everything at home. And the resentment starts building up. Also before dc you might enjoy cosseting your bloke, but suddenly when you're run ragged, you want him to stop lolling about being adored and do the washing up.

Shatnerswig why is a 43yo unmarried and childless man spending time on a parenting forum aimed at mothers? There's millions of other sites so I'm curious why you would pick this one?

Lots of childfree people on here! Helena for a start!

I mentioned previously that I have no children through choice. I married the man I wanted to spend my life with, rather than somebody I wanted to start a family with. I think many women (not all, obviously ) marry because they are desperate to have children and will 'settle' for a man that they think is 80% suitable.

Understood karma, I take my offence back. I was in a 10 year relationship, probably would have married him and had children, it was just a shame he couldn't keep it zipped. I wasn't prepared to turn a blind eye or give him a second chance to let me down.

Teaches There are lots of childfree people on this site. Some of us work with children. Some of us have godchildren. I'm in both camps. I hate having to justify my existence in this site every few weeks to someone or other.