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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH doesn't share

342 replies

AliceInReality · 03/08/2017 19:19

I don't know if this is the right title. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I've name changed and I can't really say anything important or it will give me away but here goes.

We once had a kitten and DH hated the attention it needed and the attention I gave to it. He didn't make me take it away but I couldn't trust him to feed her if I wasn't there so I gave her to a friend.

I used to have friends round and my sister over but he couldn't stand that either. He never did anything completely outright - sometimes he wouldn't speak to them if they said hi, he'd let me know he was upset I was putting them ahead of us. After two years of marriage I realise I have no true friends and I've not seen my sister in years.

His son used to live with us but he I feel he did everything to push him away too.

I don't know why he's like this or why I haven't seen it before. Do any of you have experience of Simone like this and how did you cope?

OP posts:
dataandspot · 19/08/2017 22:46

If you have this baby you won't be free of your husband for 18 years at least.

You can be controlled and punished through your child through these 18 years.

Not to mention what he will do to your child.

I was in a somewhat similar position. I knew when I was pregnant that I should not have had a baby with him. I thought I could protect and make up for what he did. I couldn't and my child is damaged.

AvocadoQueen · 19/08/2017 22:51

If you're already anxious about pleasing your DH with no baby around, this is going to increase x10000 when a baby is around.

You and the baby will both have to exist in an environment where 'we must not disturb dad' or 'don't make daddy angry'. This child will be born into a environment of control and abuse and will be unable to grow up living and expressing herself/herself freely. Don't do it to yourself or the baby.

It's not about you once a baby comes along I'm afraid and the more you post saying how it can 'work' the more you are showing yourself to be deluded over this situation.

MorrisZapp · 19/08/2017 23:41

Pregnant now and hoping not to disturb him? Aye right. I'm out. Reporting.

Orangetoffee · 19/08/2017 23:47

He has agreed to stop hitting you, how generous of him.

Do consider a live-in nanny for your child, at least then they will have someone who will put them first and will protect them.

stillvicarinatutu · 19/08/2017 23:56

has he agreed to stop DD alice ? or is it just you saying youd dont want that anymore? is he listening to you?

stillvicarinatutu · 19/08/2017 23:59

whas the point of reporting this thread? this is this womans life. its horrible reading. but it what she lives.

i for one want aliceto keep posting. thinking. understanding her relationship isnt the norm.

why report? dont shut down this womans only source of normal ffs.

StaplesCorner · 20/08/2017 00:14

The OP said a few posts back she didn't like seeing her GP - look at the way she is writing, about having to take care of her husband and make sure he wasn't hungry. It sounds to me like they both have some form of mental health issue - frightening; I hope there is no baby.

Shadow666 · 20/08/2017 00:52

There are 2 common issues in abusive marriages.

  1. The woman thinks she can "manage" her abusive partner. She will twist herself into knots trying to control the situation so he doesn't get angry. This never works though because the reality is that he wants to get angry and will always find an excuse. The woman will then blame herself and keep trying to "manage" the situation. She cannot see that she is setting herself up for failure and there is no way to "manage" him.

  2. The woman thinks that her abusive partner doesn't understand that he is being abusive. She thinks he doesn't realize what he is doing. This is wrong. He knows exactly what he is doing. Often when women have this realization it is the trigger to leave him. It's one thing to accidentally be cruel but to deliberately be cruel is quite another matter, isn't it?

Honestly OP, this isn't a good man and if I were you I'd be thanking my lucky stars I didn't have a baby with him. I really think you'd be better off having an abortion and cutting all ties with him. There are good, kind men out there. Find one and have a baby with him instead.

BitchQueen90 · 20/08/2017 06:33

Here's a news flash for you: you cannot "plan" for a baby. When the baby arrives, everything you have planned will go out the window. You cannot control a baby. They cry when they want, they want feeding, changing and attention on their terms, not on yours. And if your DH is the type of person who gets angry when disturbed by a baby then he is not fit to be a father.

BitchQueen90 · 20/08/2017 06:36

Also, you have no idea how you will feel after birth. If you have to have a c section or you have a difficult labour the last thing you will be capable of doing is batch cooking. After my DS was born I had severe anemia and I'd had an episiotomy so my ExH had to do all the domestic household stuff because I could barely move from the sofa. How will your DH feel if he had to fend for himself for a while?

ohlittlepea · 20/08/2017 06:51

Run.
And dont have kids with him.
Talk to womens aid about leaving or ypur lpcal domestic abuse services (call them outside of your house as he may have bugged u). They can help u find somewhere safe. Get a free pay as you go simcard and save your numbers to it (not his). Then pop that in your phone when you leave.
Stay strong and dont let him back in your life.

All the best :)

Softkitty2 · 20/08/2017 08:08

He is a psychopath. The fact he cannot tell he has done something wrong doesn't make him 'someone you can change' but someone to be feared.

Your are not going to listen to anyone here.
You are enabling him

THERE IS NO HELP FOR THOSE WHO WILL NOT HELP THEMSELVES.

PoorYorick · 20/08/2017 08:13

Oh God please leave this irredeemable turd before he steals your entire life one way or another.

PoorYorick · 20/08/2017 08:18

Also, abusive men never think they're abusive. They always have a narrative where it's someone else's fault. That's why they're abusive.

Please leave. I don't think you're a troll but the fact so many people think you are shows just how indescribably fucked up this all is.

ChequeredPasta · 20/08/2017 08:28

Wait...
You met in uni. You've been together for two years. He's 2 years older than you, but old enough to have a DSS who is old enough to express his sexuality?

How old are you both?

RickOShay · 20/08/2017 08:44

Alice you are good. Tell yourself that, you don't need anyone else to tell you who you are. Taking responsibility for yourself is like getting into a warm bubble bath. Good counselling will lead you back to yourself, I think that is your priority, and day to day if you feel lonely or scared phone your sister, that is ok for you to do that. Phone your sister.Flowers

y

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/08/2017 09:04

Chequered

She is 25, he is 25, the DSS is 12. (Hence being raised by grandparents.)

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/08/2017 09:05

Sorry- he is 27.

RickOShay · 20/08/2017 09:13

so the husband was 15 when his son was born?

ChequeredPasta · 20/08/2017 09:46

And when he was fifteen, he really wanted a child, but it was only when it was born that he realised it was too much for him?
Hmm

tethersend · 20/08/2017 11:31

My thoughts exactly, Chequered.

Perhaps he was just a very, very mature 15yo? Hmm

Original poster
AliceInReality · 20/08/2017 11:40

Mumoftwoyoungkids I understand what people are saying about being unable to fully plan life with a baby. I think a nanny would be the only option but DH said before we married he'd like me to stay home if we had children. He's very close to his mum and I think she favoured her boys.

I don't want to be a burden on my sister if I can help it. She has her own husband and children. I remember how I followed her around all the time as a child which must have been annoying for her. She never let me feel that way. Thinking on it now she never had much time to be a carefree teenager. She moved out when I was still young and I was both afraid and happy she'd escaped. I wanted to be just like her and go to university and get away.

still My H has agreed to stop DD. He had been a little sulky since we came home but nothing I can't handle. I think we both fear change.

Staples I didn't realise not wanting to see your GP meant you had mental health issues... I just tend to avoid unnecessary social interactions alone. People are unpredictable. And I like to do the best for the people I love.

Chequered no DSS was not planned but DH did want to do the right thing by him. The GPs had the means to take care of him and give him a better life. When he came to us DH wasn't jealous of the attention I gave him- he was more upset that DSS I guess wasn't that enamoured by him. They argued constantly... DSS wanted to invite school friends round etc and faced the same problems I did. DSS didn't have a great school experience here and it wasn't helped by DH - he wasn't allowed to visit other children's houses etc

Tether DH believes strongly in his faith. He didn't want a child at 15 when he was unmarried.

OP posts:
JenniferYellowHat1980 · 20/08/2017 11:52

DH believes strongly in his faith. He didn't want a child at 15 when he was unmarried.

Well
He should have kept his cock in his pants then. Sounds like he picks and chooses when he wants to be fundamental in his Christian beliefs.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 20/08/2017 11:52

DH believes strongly in his faith. He didn't want a child at 15 when he was unmarried.

Well he should have kept his cock in his pants then. Sounds like he picks and chooses when he wants to be fundamental in his Christian beliefs.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 20/08/2017 11:53

I'm sorry to be so blunt OP but your husband is an arsehole and you are his victim.

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