My DH doesn't share

[AliceInReality]

I don't know if this is the right title. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I've name changed and I can't really say anything important or it will give me away but here goes.

We once had a kitten and DH hated the attention it needed and the attention I gave to it. He didn't make me take it away but I couldn't trust him to feed her if I wasn't there so I gave her to a friend.

I used to have friends round and my sister over but he couldn't stand that either. He never did anything completely outright - sometimes he wouldn't speak to them if they said hi, he'd let me know he was upset I was putting them ahead of us. After two years of marriage I realise I have no true friends and I've not seen my sister in years.

His son used to live with us but he I feel he did everything to push him away too.

I don't know why he's like this or why I haven't seen it before. Do any of you have experience of Simone like this and how did you cope?

Oh my good god is this for real?

I am genuinely struggling to understand your reluctance to run the fuck away as fast as you can, OP.

This is fucked up. Just pack your shit, book an appointment for an abortion and go to your sister's. That's what I would do.

I think a nanny would be the only option but DH said before we married he'd like me to stay home if we had children.

Of course he would. You would be utterly financially dependent on him and he would find it much easier to isolate you and control you, all the while demanding respect for being the provider who enables you all to live so well.

Many women are happy SAHMs, but they're not married to abusive shitbags. Dear God do not have a child with him. Abuse increases in pregnancy, in fact keeping women constantly pregnant and at home is a common abuse tactic because it makes it so hard for them to leave.

Please just get out of there. He's going to kill you, literally or metaphorically. Do you realise how terrifying it is that you don't "think" he would kill anyone?

Do any of you have experience of Simone like this and how did you cope?

I had an abusive father, my mother made endless excuses for him and what a poor misunderstood soul he was and yada yada. How did I cope? By getting a lifetime of mental health issues, being petrified of having my own kids (I'm too scared to have a second), and needing treatment for panic attacks caused whenever I saw or heard the word "hand". Do you think he would be good to any children you had? My mother thought that too. She thought it was only her he would punch. She was wrong.

Leave, leave, leave, leave. You can't fix him and he's not your responsibility to change. Leave. You MUST LEAVE.

So you have a little chat and he drops the DD issue just like that and it's all hunky dory now? Really?

What the hell religion is this?

This thread has to be about the most horrific I've ever read on MN, and there's been some stiff competition over the years.

Sounds like he picks and chooses when he wants to be fundamental in his Christian beliefs.

^This. With bells on! He's a hypocrite. And a nasty one at that.

I don't think a teenager making such a mistake should be judged even now... it doesn't make him a hypocrite when he admits it was wrong.

The fact he listened to me gives me hope. And it wasn't just a conversation. We had a difficult time in NY and he was upset already.

We shouln't judge him for choosing to have sex at 15? Just like he doesn't judge his son for being gay or you for being sexually abused as a child? Calling him a Hypocrite is right.

And he doesn't have to hit you anymore in order to get you to obey him, you know what he is capable of, you will do as he says.
Standing up to him will put you and your child in danger.

alice yes he made a mistake but that mistake has feelings and a name and walks this earth paying for his part of being that "mistake" .

he has fucked up one child.
dont let him do it again.

he is sulking because youve said you would rather not indulge his need to practice dd? or hit you in other words.

alice you have your head in the clouds. you are not looking at the reality of the situation you are in.

men do not hit their wives to get them to obey. if they do they tend to go to PRISON!!!!!!
THIS is who he is. he wants to hit you and call it discipline as if you are a naughty child.
you should be responsible for your own actions and not reliant on him to "right" you.

the fact you post tells me you now that somewhere in the back of your mind that this is jut all so wrong.
but you wont listen you wont absorb the info. you wont discuss this with womens aid or anyone - because you know theyll tell you its wrong!

You do know that the vast majority of Christian churches/groups quite definitely do NOT advocate "husband as boss; wife to be obedient"? You don't have to give up your faith, just find a different congregation.

Go to your sister even if only temporarily - she obviously loves you and knows you are suffering. Get away and Keep away from your H. You are young, please don't waste your life on this weird loser.

the only religion i know that advocates the male as head of household is JW but even they do not advocate DD.
DD is a phoney. its a cover. an excuse to abuse and call it faith.

Have a look on 'part time working mummy' on Facebook she does a lot of work with domestic violence please let her help you
🙁

Ephesians 5:25
'Husbands, love your wives, just as also Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her!'

Ephesians 5:28
'husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh, but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church'

I'm willing to bet that your husband has loved reminding you of Ephesians 5:22, which says 'Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord', when the very first line of the passage on submission in my bible is 'Mutual submission'. Followed by Ephesians 5:21 'submitting to one another in the fear of Christ'. The passage then goes on to explain how man and wife should submit to each other, to love each other like we love ourselves, like Jesus loves the church. This suggests taking the feelings and opinions of each other into account. Loving and respecting each other!
Ephesians 5:33
'To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband'

Can you honestly say that your husband loves you and makes sacrifices for you, the way Jesus loves and has sacrificed himself for his church? Because what I read is an abusive, controlling bully, who Lords over you, who you must submit to or face his wrath. You say that you see him almost as God like! That is breaking the most important commandments Exodus 20:3 Do not have other gods beside me.4 Do not make an idol for yourself 5.You must not bow down to or worship them.

Your husband is putting you in a position where he expects your idolation, and your full attention always. How can you truly worship God, to pray and constantly have him in your mind when you are so focussed on giving everything to your h. This is not healthy, your devotion to your h despite the risk he poses your child is not healthy. You allowed your h to beat you despite knowing that you are pregnant. Now you are saying that you have told him no more dd, why after? Why didn't you tell him before? Or is he in such a rage that you could not possibly stop him? As if that's the case calling it dd is just your way of protecting your mind from recognising that this is not dd (which is appalling and not something any Christian I know advocates), this is pure and simple abuse, you have no control and he will beat you as and when he pleases. Show me anywhere in the new testament where Jesus advocated this? He advocated love and when you love someone you don't want to hurt them, you want to protect them.

Goodness post Rescue - I think the Op needs to talk to some real Christians like you in order for her to see the difference between real faith and someone who uses Christianity to abuse her.

Op - you have spoken a lot about how you are basically going to make you and the baby's life bearable. Bearable. Not happy. Just about bearable. Is that really good enough for your one and only life? And for your baby's one and only life. Their sole experience of childhood?

Tiptoeing around to ensure that they don't upset or annoy or disturb dad. Fearing violence if they do. Having a nanny because mummy can't meet their needs because she is too busy ensuring life is perfect for dad? Never being allowed to have friends round or go to friends houses. And if the worst happens - and something truly terrible does happen to them (and the odds are much higher than normal - abusers have a sixth sense for those who are already damaged) becoming the victim of further violence and horror from the person who should be protecting them and then not even being given the medical help they need.

You know that he will isolate and abuse this child OP.

Are you seriously telling us you will enable this to happen?

If so, you are evil to the core, just like your horrible DH.

I hope the pair of you rot!

YNK To give the Op her due she has moved a huge amount since her posts just a few months ago. They were truly terrible reading. From what she has said she has gone straight from an abusive childhood home to an abusive husband with a huge amount of fucked up fake Christianity in the mix just to really mess with her head. Mumsnet is the first time anyone has said to her "err hang on - that's not normal, that's not right."

She still doesn't see her husband as we do (ie someone who belongs in jail) but she no longer sees him as perfect.

She has also started seeing her stepson as a person rather than a thing to make her husband happy which is huge. Just not sure she has got there with herself yet.

it's important I still take care of DH

If you have his baby he should be taking care of you. It's a massive physical undertaking having a baby, you'll need looking after & supporting.

From PP I see you come from an abusive home and this is now about to restart with the next generation unless you break free from it.

Has anyone truely taken care of you, made sure you were ok? It's what you need and deserve. Can your sister help?

Yeah, the OP has come a long way.

From submitting herself to abuse to creating a child to be abused.

The fact he listened to me gives me hope.

It gives me none at all. It tells me that he's learning how to manipulate you.

I'd say he's a devil worshipper but actually I think Lucifer probably worships him.

He's a hypocrite. It's all very well to withold judgement for his actions as a 15 year old, but what a shame he couldn't extend the same understanding to his poor son.

He's a horrible, horrible man.

I want to add another point, especially surrounding domestic discipline. In John 8, when an adulteress is brought before Jesus, the Pharisee leaders ask him (John 8:4) 'Teacher..this woman was caught in the act of committing adultery. In the law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?'
Jesus replied in 'John 8:7 'The one who is without sin among you should be the first to throw a stone at her'
Obviously ashamed theory all left one by one until only Jesus and the woman were left'
Then Jesus asks the woman in John 8:10 ' where are they? Has no one condemned you?'
She replied 'No one, Lord' in response Jesus said 'Neither do I condemn you, go, and from now on do not sin any more'(John 8:11-12).

As an adult the only man with any right to judge you op is Jesus. He is merciful and kind, he refused to stone an adulteress to death, he didnt choose to beat her, instead he chose to forgive her and urge her to sin no more. What gives your husband the right to think that he is above Jesus? That he is your Judge and has the right to punish you? The only Judgement you should fear is that of the Lord, as his child you are saved. Yet your husband and his awful behaviour has made you consider awful things! That abortion even crossed your mind shows the terror that this man holds you under! Do you honestly think that our loving saviour, would condemn you for fleeing a very abusive relationship, to protect yourself and the innocent life that grows inside you? How can you remain and knowingly endanger your innocent child? God has given you this beautiful little life to protect, you are responsible for this child now. Your baby must come first, you know that! I myself would take it as a sign that God wanted me to change my priorities.....

Rescue. Yes Ephesians 5:22 is the basis for my submission and I know it doesn't sound normal but my husband would use the fact he was going through the effort of correcting me as fulfilling his own duty in Ephesians 5:25-28 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless."

And so he would use the word with me to remind me to be a good wife because as proverb 12:4 says "A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones."

I know idolising my husband and putting all thoughts to him is sinful. I can only pray for forgiveness for that. The same for considering abortion.I think if someone gives you so much power it must be hard not to abuse it? I don't see my husband as evil or that he abused me just that he had too much power over me and I facilitated this. I'd never considered asking him to stop it forever before. I just wanted to make him happy.

Mum and YNK I don't want my child to grow up isolated and unhappy. If DH can stop DD for me there is chance he can change some of his other opinions. BIL(who is gay himself) is coming to see us tonight - it's only since DSS came that he's ever been invited/allowed over. That is a big thing.

How arrogant of you to think yourself the architect of his salvation!

He is not going to change - he doesn't see the need or even want to. Why would he when he has this blind slaving devotion from you?

You are going to bring a child into a nightmare of abuse and you can't even claim ignorance because everyone here has told you.

In your case your husband is the disgrace and the decay.

Power with no love, no ethics, and no sense of responsibility is what leads to abuse. Abuse of power is what he's doing.