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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH doesn't share

342 replies

AliceInReality · 03/08/2017 19:19

I don't know if this is the right title. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I've name changed and I can't really say anything important or it will give me away but here goes.

We once had a kitten and DH hated the attention it needed and the attention I gave to it. He didn't make me take it away but I couldn't trust him to feed her if I wasn't there so I gave her to a friend.

I used to have friends round and my sister over but he couldn't stand that either. He never did anything completely outright - sometimes he wouldn't speak to them if they said hi, he'd let me know he was upset I was putting them ahead of us. After two years of marriage I realise I have no true friends and I've not seen my sister in years.

His son used to live with us but he I feel he did everything to push him away too.

I don't know why he's like this or why I haven't seen it before. Do any of you have experience of Simone like this and how did you cope?

OP posts:
Fatarseflanagan09 · 19/08/2017 12:55

He won't change because you are enabling him so he doesn't have to.

eyebrowsonfleek · 19/08/2017 12:56

OP- I was in an EA marriage and became a single parent as a result. Being a single parent is tough but it shocked me how much energy and headspace I wasted on my h. It takes a while conditioning yourself to stop thinking about what the other person would think/say/do but it's so liberating.

In your shoes I wouldn't tell your h about the pregnancy and relocate near your sister and have the baby. Your sister seems to have your back. Your h can not even feed a little kitten and believes in DD which should be relegated to history books from centuries ago. Speak to Social Services and get it on record what kind of man he is for your baby's safety. You can be strong for your child and cut ties. Not doing so is just dragging another generation into abuse. In order to stop the cycle you need to have an abortion or run and keep the baby safe. If you don't keep your baby and h apart then you run the risk of your baby becoming an abuser or abused and scared like you.

eyebrowsonfleek · 19/08/2017 13:04

You can't change him. Only he can change himself and that starts with acknowledging that he's a fucked up person and based on your posts there's none of that. Just bullishly disregarding other people's feelings and wants and demanding that they become robots of his design.

He's going to the US to see dss because as an abuser he can conveniently forget his bad behaviour and think that everyone else (you etc) are acting the same so it's not that bad.

If he was serious about changing then the first thing he'd do is divorce you so that he can focus on himself and not drag you down even further. He'd leave dss alone and offer the GPs any practical support they required.

MargeryFenworthy · 19/08/2017 13:18

As a Catholic, this behaviour doesn't sound like anything I recognise.

Original poster
AliceInReality · 19/08/2017 17:06

Vari it has been my only relationship and it seemed okay at the time. A small measure to please him.

I think things will change now that has stopped.

It has not been promoted by our church or ever mentioned. I never though to mention it to anyone before I joined this forum.

eyebrow sadly blaming and even attacking a victim (for being raped) isn't so rare. He knows he did the wrong thing.

OP posts:
writingsonthewall · 19/08/2017 17:11

This post has made me feel physically sick. I hope dss never has to see his 'dad' ever again. Sad

MatildaTheCat · 19/08/2017 17:48

OP do you have any idea whatsoever of how it will feel to hear your baby crying for food and comfort from you for hours while your husband prevents you from doing so?

Because that is what he will do. He will abuse you and your child all in the name of discipline. And he will make you an abuser, too, who denies their child love, food and comfort because that's what The Master wants.

Chilling, no?

Original poster
AliceInReality · 19/08/2017 18:59

Matilda I believe without DD he won't be able to do that. He hasn't touched me since and I know it's only been a week but I have a few months(hopefully) to see if that lasts before I start to show. If he wants/can handle a noisy baby is another thing... but he can't order me around anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceInReality · 19/08/2017 19:03

writings I saw DSS first and he is alternating between denial guilt and anger. He both wanted to and didn't want to see DH. It was painful.

OP posts:
stillvicarinatutu · 19/08/2017 19:11

alice
would you consider counselling alone. without your dh. i really think it would be good for you.
are you actually pg? i think it would be terrible for you if you were. have you tested?
your profession has a lot of people with asd who cling to people who seem to know what they are doing.
yes i know. ....but im a mum to someone with asd. you seem so incredibly naive.
whatever. you need space away from your dh to consider the alternatives.

Original poster
AliceInReality · 19/08/2017 19:32

still I want to go to counselling and improve myself.

I've taken a test from Boots but not gone to my doctor yet. To be honest I tend to avoid going to the doctor.

I know and I'm not offended. I'm told I'm a bit too child like in real life. University and my job have been a real escape for me. I've never been normal socially but since I can cope all right it's okay. But being alone - I don't think I'd manage too well.

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 19/08/2017 20:01

You seem to be heading towards the keeping the baby and crossing your fingers it'll be alright with your husband.

Just to give a bit of insight, babies are all consuming. They need you ALL the time.

How will he cope for example when the baby is having a feed but your husband needs his tea making? The choice will either be the husband waits, or baby screams it's head off and husband gets his tea.

Babies push couples to the limit. I dread to think how a man used to being the main focus will react.

SittingAround1 · 19/08/2017 20:06

Just to add in a normal relationship the husband would make the tea whilst the mother feeds the baby.
But something tells me your husband wouldn't go for this option.

Original poster
AliceInReality · 19/08/2017 21:19

It's important I still take care of DH - he works long hours and just gets hangry without food. I think we can make it work if he keeps behaving as he is now. I can batch cook, if I'm on maternity leave I'll have more time anyway. Also DH had a nanny growing up and he may want us to do the same. We just need to avoid him being disturbed too much and I think with careful planning it could work.

OP posts:
golfin · 19/08/2017 21:33

AliceInReality, never was a nn less apt, babies come 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. Husbands take a back seat, a supporting role, that's reality.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 19/08/2017 21:34

I know I'm selfish I just want things to work out

I know you've moved on a little way from this point during the course of the thread, but yes, stating with your husband and inflicting an abusive father onto a baby is entirely selfish. I think the only solution is to leave without telling him you're pregnant and never see him again.

I'm reporting this thread by the way, as I think Mumsnet have a duty of care.

AngelaTwerkel · 19/08/2017 21:42

All the careful planning in the world won't prepare you. What if the baby has reflux and screams constantly? Or has additional needs? Or is one of those babies who spend the first six months needing to be permanently attached to you?

Prospective parents sometimes forget that these little people have their own personalities, they're unpredictable and won't adhere to the life you planned. This is hard enough when both parents are on the same page and willing to work and support each other. But you are walking into a huge problem here and you don't seem to want to open your eyes to that.

stillvicarinatutu · 19/08/2017 21:42

oh sweetheart. truly feel for you so much. please - you have to be yourself. find you. i feel so much like your lost in keeping your dh happy that yovue no idea who YOU are at all,

please dont have a baby like this love. your relationship is so far from normal its painful to read about. its not something you should consider bringing a baby into yet. you need to redress the imbalances first and foremost, before anything. i dont think your d is good for you, im not saying ltb. im saying start to find you - you are questioning now which is bloody brilliant - keep dong it.
but dont bring a baby into this very skewed dynamic. if you are pg it should be your queue to get advice from WA and get out. subjectng yourself to this abuse is one thing. subjecting a baby to it is another altogether. i know you dont identify this with abuse - and your just starting to question it - but love its abuse of the worst worst kind and a baby is not a good idea in this relationship.
please seek counsel for your self - outside of your religion.

stillvicarinatutu · 19/08/2017 21:45

and you dont need to improve yourself at all. thats the issue.

stillvicarinatutu · 19/08/2017 21:47

there is no such thing as careful planning where babies are conc erned.....they dont give a shit abput your careful planning!!!

get real love please!!!

Theweasleytwins · 19/08/2017 21:47

Sounds like my h

eyebrowsonfleek · 19/08/2017 22:03

Babies disturb.

You try to lie down - they need you. You try to go to the loo- they need you. You try to eat a meal- they need you. It's not possible to do anything without babies disturbing you. Unless your h lives in a different house to you, he will be disturbed by the baby.

Worse still, there will be times when you're hanging out with your h eating, having sex, driving etc and the baby will need you immediately and you have to go to the baby and leave your h in a different room. What would you do then?

How would your h feel when you have to spend hours feeding? (It is hours especially with newborns) How is he going to react when you have to spend the evenings in the baby's room rocking it to sleep? (Again, this takes hours) He won't be able to eat meals with you (new parents have to tag team) or be alone with you.

How's he going to cope with the crying, whinging, vomit, poo and never having your attention 100% because the baby needs you and you're in new mother mode and on high alert?

tethersend · 19/08/2017 22:14

Sorry if I've missed it before OP, do you mind saying how old you are? I'm guessing you have a lot of life ahead of you that can be full and happy if you leave...

mastfest · 19/08/2017 22:24

I hope this is some kind of elaborate trolling attempt and not your real life because reading this thread was depressing.

I'm sorry but you should be planning your escape love and whilst you're at it have a look at how you can rebuild your self confidence - you are being abused.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/08/2017 22:32

I can batch cook, if I'm on maternity leave I'll have more time anyway.

Said no person who had ever actually had a baby ever! Honestly - it is almost I,possible to explain what a "time sucker" a baby is - but they are. Things cannot be done to a schedule.

Can you remember what your DSS was like when he first came to you? Was he a happy, ordinary, young boy? And now look at him. He is damaged - maybe even destroyed - forever. That is after - what - six months of your husbands "care". You are planning on letting your child loose with him for 18 years. And basically going to hope for the best that if you keep the baby out of his way then he won't be too inconvenienced and so won't damage it. Although if you get appendicitis and he resents the baby like he did the kitten then presumably he would just let your child starve.

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