Feel traumatised from stepkids hell, now relationship under threat

[SaffronStrands]

Hello, this is my first post after being a Mumsnet reader for a long while. This covers step children and my relationship so I hope it's ok that I post this here. I am so upset and feeling sick to my stomach every day and would like to hear others' thoughts and any advice.

I started to write this and it ended up a long message of this happened, then that, and this which would drive anyone reading it nuts. So I'll try to summarise as much as I can and leave out all the incidents and conflicts of which there have been several and are increasing in frequency.

My DP has three teenage/young men DSs, eldest at uni. DP divorced many years ago, I moved in a few months ago. DP and his ex have the DSs 50% of the time each.

From the outset DP and I wished to give them a family environment which they said they didn't have at their mum's (who remarried some years ago but the DSs say they hardly speak to her husband and argue with their mum). When I moved in, things went well, the DSs seemed welcoming and I was sensitive to moving into their space, and their family and they seemed to like me. They tended to leave a mess everywhere but when DP asked them to tidy up, they did. This stopped after a month. The only concern I had (other than their lack of respect for house rules and chores or basic tidying up after themselves) was the very dominating, almost trampling attitude of the very bright middle DS (17) who likes to impose his opinion and "how I think things should be done" on everyone.

My DP has wanted to talk to this middle DS for over a year about general life stuff, plans etc, but every time he storms out the room and avoids the conversation. This DS didn't apply to university as everyone thought it was going to do and announced he was taking a gap year, with no plans of anything to do on that gap year. My DP has now told me he hasn't been able to talk to him about anything properly for 3 years. It was a joke that the only way to get him to talk would be to lock him in a room, but my DP let it go whilst he took his A-levels, and thought when we go on holiday (last week) once the exams are over, he'd have a good chat, father to son at last about this year, life etc.

The holiday was a nightmare. All DSs didn't want to do or see anything (except one, biking), they said they wanted to just hang around the lovely rented house, and middle DS announced he didn't want to go to anything we suggested and we should leave him alone. I was sad our hopes for outings together etc. wouldn't happen, but DP seemed OK, he said every year they just like to do their own thing. So most days DP and I went out. On the couple of occasions we got them to join us to take the DS who wanted to go biking, they moaned about the duration of the journey and on being taken out at all. They left chaos in every room they touched and I seemed to spend all my time clearing up after 3 DSs who hardly spoke a word to me.

For the first few days I couldn't believe the lack of gratitude and general rudeness. DP's attempts to get them to tidy up collapsed when the middle DS announced he disagreed with the routine and refused to cooperate. It was as if they were having their holiday, we were trying to have some remnant for us, and DP and I were their slaves. Any time I asked them to tidy something up they either pretended to not hear me, ignore me or huff and puff.

The middle DS's behaviour became more and more argumentative, and this followed incidents before the holiday, at ours and at his mum's. He storms out of ours to spend time at hers, only to storm out of hers and come to ours. Small but building incidents happened over the holiday, each time with the middle DS being rude, refusing to cooperate, constantly challenging and debating (some of which is fine of course to a limit but he cannot bear to have his position questioned as part of the debate and he starts shouting and storms out!). Sometimes I just crave for him to just do something asked of him and to shut up. There was one blow up which DP believed was created as an excuse to yet again avoid any type of discussion, this middle DS told me he was putting DP on trial for the rest of the day and if DP told him off once more he was going to disappear and leave the holiday. I knew this would break DP's heart and told him, as I told the middle DS I would. Later middle DS found me when I was alone and let rip at me, DP ordered him to get out of the kitchen, and I then heard this middle DS badmouth DP and me, expletives etc to the elder DS. I realised then that he was now going to make me the cause of the issues, "DP has changed since she's been around" type of talk. DP tried to reassure me that this has been brewing for 3 years at least and that this middle DS's behaviour has been worsening long before I came along.

Next morning, middle DS was gone. He came back to our home and then to his mum's. After the initial shock, we took the other DSs out and there was actually relief in the air. The other DSs went back to their bit-more-friendly selves. Other family members came over and we had a few days of enjoyment, nobody was trampled on and there were no explosions. DP's mood lifted, we were close and loving, I wanted to cry with relief.

On the last morning as we tidied the house, the two remaining DSs didn't lift a finger to help. This time I couldn't bear to ask yet again and for it to cause an argument. The eldest stood in the kitchen on his phone as I and others hurried round him. They did absolutely nothing whilst their younger cousins helped out and were wonderful. At one point the youngest DS threw a plastic bottle over his shoulder at me as I struggled with a broken bin bag on the floor, heard it bounce on the floor and walked off. I was enraged but knew another conflict with the DSs would bring my DP to his knees. I took the bins out and cried and cried behind the shed. When I came out DP saw something was wrong, followed me, and I told him how the DSs had not done anything to help. I was aghast: instead of telling them off or asking them to help out, he was irritated by my upset. The drive back was excrutiating.

Which is where I am now. DP hardly speaks to me. The youngest DS has been with us for a few days and has probably spoken 10 words in that time. The eldest has been a bit friendlier but has been at his mum's. I have not seen the middle DS, whose return I now dread. DP's attitude towards the middle DS's behaviour to him, me, us and generally has turned from outrage and recognition of what he's been up to, and wanting him to face the consequences, to total worry that he will lose him forever if he comes down hard on him and he'll just have a chat with him instead.

I see a toxic middle DS whose disgusting behaviour seems to get no punishment or consequences. I see two other DSs heavily influenced by this middle DS, which is a shame as there are good hearts and sensitivity in there but when middle DS had his say to them they turn deeply unpleasant.

And now I have a DP who is devastated that the family atmosphere he hoped to create for his boys has not come off. In the past few days I have stood speechless as these 3 misbehaving boys have been greeted with smiles and enthusiasm and friendly texts from DP, whereas I have been treated with disdain.

I don't know what to do about the stepkids. I don't know what to do about the relationship with my DP which has been wonderful, and which I hope will continue to be but fear will now end. I have tried to talk to DP about it all, but he sighs, tells me it is recoverable, that he is going to talk to the middle DS whose only concern now seems to be not losing his middle DS to the wilderness. And if that means never speaking out about his appalling behaviour, that seems to be what DP is willing to do. I don't know what to do about my own feelings of sheer dread of the middle DS who I have to confess I can't even bring myself to say I like any more, or the two other DSs who I really thought I got on so well with, but who barely speak a word to me. The atmosphere in the house is killing me, I am exhausted and so fearful of this mess.

I was a stroppy vile teenager because I wanted to be and I got a kick out of being difficult and winding up my parents. I had lovely parents who had a loving marriage, they always engaged me, great siblings and no bad shit going on. I had a fabulous childhood. I just liked winding my Mum up. End of. By the time I was 18 or so I adored her again. Nothing sinister.

OP I acquired two DSDs when they were 6 and 8. The 8 year old always listened and never pushed boundaries. The 6 year old was a defiant pain. The sort of child where if you said don't put your hand in that water it's hot, she'd fix you with a look, stick her hand in the hot water and take the pain. As the younger one grew up she was a total thorn in my side. I never parented them (they had a Mum) but I tried to be more like an Aunty-plus and I let their Dad do the parenting and telling off. I remember sitting in the bedroom sometimes watching telly just to escape the suffocation of them (always under a pretext of tidying my wardrobe or similar). They had a week's holiday alone with their Dad every year so they knew they still had him to themselves and a family holiday with me there too.

They're now 26 and 28. When their Dad had an affair and we divorced they stuck like glue to me. The younger one lives near me now and we're so close. She's a beautiful young woman now who happened to be a complete pain as a child. Her sister's a beautiful young woman who wasn't a pain as a child.

Let Dad take the strain. It will come good I'm sure.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt your ex is a lunatic to lose a gem like you. I am glad your step daughters could see the massive value that you are.

Aw thank you Italian. I feel like I dodged a bullet with XH. He's 14 years older than me and isn't looking too good now he's married to OW. These days I prefer the younger models and the DSDs love my torrid tales

Sorry to derail your thread OP.

your step daughters have worked out blood Ian't thicker than water.

Thanks to you all for your comments. I hope, as it did for Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt, that this will come good, though I realise the big majority of you all do not believe it will.

I can't help feel really saddened not just by my situation, but by some of the replies. Being a teenager is not a direct cause of rudeness and unacceptable behaviour, I simply cannot agree "because they're teens" is an excuse for laziness and appalling treatment of another. If I am to believe so many of you, it's normal (as in most frequently occurring) for teenagers to behave like spoiled brats and be rude - sorry then, I believe in teenagers behaving abnormally then. They do exist, behaviour can change, some doesn't so we have to cope with it in better ways, and I was really hoping for more advice on both, more than just "leave them".

I have also been surprised at the poor view many of you have of my DP. He's sacrificed so much to share 50/50 custody (like living where his ex wants to, not where he does) and has persevered through years, trying to create a good family atmosphere. I don't think it's bad of him to want me, his partner, to be part of that, or help to create it, nor show the SKs how a happy, healthy relationship might look like, and feel to be around. Like I wrote somewhere before, this generally worked and the SKs said how much they liked being here, all as the middle son's behaviour worsened then skyrocketed as soon as the exams were out the way. Maybe I used the wrong verb of 'parenting' to say what I was doing before, but I think any adult in a home in which children are living should be able to guide, say no, ask kids to tidy up, care for those kids and so on, just as I think any adult out and about who sees a misbehaving child or a child hurting an animal has the right to step in immediately. We're a society, communities and households, we look out for each other. And kids should respect adults, not treat us like scum. We don't always do everything we want in life, but I can tell you this, if my father and/or mother ever worked their behinds off to give our family a holiday, and I knew how important it was to them to spend time with us, I'd never whinge or moan, complain I was bored, refuse to join them at least some of the time or treat them like dirt like these kids have, no matter if it wasn't exactly the way my teenage soul wanted. And neither would others I know, back then and now. It's commonplace, say so many of you. Well, it's a terrible commonplace in my opinion, one where I don't want to be. Even a newcomer like me to a family, can lead by example and have some influence.

I'll sign off from this thread. Thank you again for the many comments, I can't remember the names of the writers whose posts really reasonated, but there were some. I'm not one for throwing in the towel without trying a new way of resolving something, and I'm not one to let an arrogant, conniving teenage brat destroy the best relationship I've ever had, nor bring the two other boys down with him.

Haven't read the whole thread but would just say the following;

• Your DP needs to be strong enough to set some boundaries for the behaviour of his kids. He needs to be strong enough to tell the middle child, in particular, what he expects from him and to sanction him if he does not comply. He is, after all, the adult in this situation and the child probably unconciously wants this. If the manipulative kid walks away, so be it, but it will be his choice. In all likelihood he will be back in touch soon enough. There are levers that your DP can use, mainly financial ones, at that age - he doesn't have to accept any type of behaviour
• You need to also set some boundaries if you want to stay in the family situation. You don't have to be a doormat and can have reasonable expectations about behaviour and standards towards yourself. I would add that you should expect teenagers to be inconsiderate, selfish and untidy - it's what they do. You don't have to tidy up their shit though and you can insist that they show you respect in your interactions.
• Teenage kids generally don't want to spend time with middle aged adults whether or not they are their parents - you need to accept this - it's not all going to be happy families
• The worst aspect of this is the lack of support your DP is giving you - he is in a difficult position but it still bodes very badly for your relationship.

you should expect teenagers to be inconsiderate, selfish and untidy - it's what they do.

No it's what parents in predominantly western countries expect of teenagers. it's not a given that they are inconsiderate, and selfish, and can't clean up after themselves. We parents in the UK, America et al., have low expectations of young people. The very romanticised concept of the rude, disrespectful and, difficult teen is relatively modern in our times. I think the word itself only became used in the early twentieth century. Read novels and stories about young people before the 2nd world war and they are depicted as young people with lessons to learn but ultimately responsible. Think Anne of green Gables, Little women/men, Little house, Dickens etc.

And god knows the media is awful in this regards, always depicting young people as irresponsible and stupid, shouty, rude and disrespectful to parents.

I think you are missing the main point most people have made. A lot of teenagers struggle with expressing difficult feelings. Teenagers who don't have as many difficult feelings to deal with have a better chance of behaving well at home. Personality can also make a difference, as can position in the family - put upon eldest, ignored middle and babyed youngest can all cause acting out.

This idea you have that somehow just by virtue of your relationship existing you should have a happy little family with someone else's children is verging on insane.

These young adults (2/3 are actually adults) don't know you, they don't care about you, you are not anyone to them yet you've moved into their dad's home and started expecting them to see you as a stepmum and play at being the Von trapps... it is insane and you are reaping what you've sown...

It also seems like you feel your BF wants credit for pushing for 50/50 and 'giving up' where he wanted to live.... the kids are never going to be grateful for that. What they need is emotional presence. Maybe everyone would have been happier with him living where he wants and investing a smaller quantity but better quality of care into them.

What they've got is a resentful father who feels as though he gave things up and they should be grateful and who then moves in some random woman into their home and let's her preen around behaving as though she's better than their own mother and is here to reform them as though it's some kind of borstal.... can't imagine why they are acting out (!)

Hadron,

Whether nature or nurture it is still a very real phenomena in our society as you acknowledge. IME, what teenagers need is emotional support from the adults around as they start to navigate the strange and frightening environment of the adult world.
The other thing I would say is that if the children are acting out at home then that is sort of OK. Its far more serious and damaging when they start acting in a wreckless and antisocial way in public situations. This phase will pass at some point.

Sorry ElBurro not meaning to get on my high horse (although I am I guess) I just get really fed up with this assumption that seems all pervasive in British society that teenagers are somehow incapable of acting considerately, respectfully and intelligently and should just be given a little 'ah bless teenagers....' when they act in ways that are hurtful at best and anti-social at worse.

I'd argue that a child constantly acting out at home is more likely to act out in public, at school etc. Nor do all teenagers act out even those from tough backgrounds.

But I shall get off my soap box. I'll start a separate thread on it someday.

I think that teenagers should be pulled up on their behaviour when it falls below a certain standard. I certainly wouldn't indulge bad behaviour. But you can't expect them to behave perfectly all of the time as they are in a transition between childhood and adulthood.

As for acting out, kids who do that at home are demonstrating that they feel secure enough to do that in the home which is where it should be.

Not sure if op has gone now but if 'arrogant conniving brat' are the words you use to sum him up your relationship with him has no chance.

Not sure if op has gone now but if 'arrogant conniving brat' are the words you use to sum him up your relationship with him has no chance.

This.
Very sad thread.

Am I the only one who is bemused that a parent who does 50% of the childcare should be admired?

When a mother does ( only ) 50% of childcare she is told how lucky she is to have so much " help " and how easy her life is.

When a father does 50% , he's " making sacrifices " and deserves a medal.

If you look at perfectly ordinary parenting as a sacrifice your children will pick up on that. Your DH has done a very very normal job of being a father, he doesn't even have them twenty four seven, like many fathers, and thinks it's something special.

For whatever reason DH didn't establish good behaviour and boundaries as the boys were growing up, and that's why they don't have them now. It's not something that can be imposed at this point, particularly not by an outsider. Having failed to create it, he can't now co opt someone else into having a go. You will simply be resented as you have seen.

And no, you can't really attempt to lead by example people who are already adults. Poorly parented adults at that. It doesn't matter what you did with your parents, people pleasers tend do what their parents want. In my family my parents understood that we were teenagers and expected us to go off on our own to the beach and out at night. They went on their cultural excursions, didn't expect us to change our MO, and we were all the happier for it. We had some great, memorable holidays as teens.

I actually agree that these boys are more than normally badly behaved, but that's down to poor parenting by DH and his ex. You trying to fix this is just going to piss the boys off and it won't change anything.

I've heard friends with no DC who have dated (older) divorced men with DC say things like OP, eg "he's made sacrifices for his DC", "he cares about his DC soooo much".

It seems naive to me. It's just what decent parents DO!

I agree with the three pp.

To people with no dc big simple facts like choosing to live near dc seem so noble. When in fact good parenting is the time-consuming grit of day to day emotional presence, shitwork, boundaries, guidance, that's maybe where OP's blind spot is.

And if he were a good parent those dc might go off the rails a bit but it would not take a full year to 'have a conversation' about bad behaviour. Nor would it be so difficult for those dc to be expected to show basic manners and good grace. Although without knowing how many previous incarnations of 'dad's new girlfriend' there have been it is hard to know.

To be honest, despite possibly the longest op I've ever read, all I can see that the 'arrogant conniving brat' has done is
A. failed to clean up after himself
B. failed to enjoy a holiday with the OP and his Dad.

I 100% agree with Offred.

I fear the OP is in lala land.

I have also been surprised at the poor view many of you have of my DP

It's probably because you've barely said anything about his good qualities - qualities that make this incessant battle with his sons worth it. Forgive me if you've mentioned it somewhere (there is a lot of fury about your DSS to plough through) but how long did you date before you moved in? Is he otherwise kind? Do you love him? Do you plan to marry? Is this unusual behaviour? It's actually impossible to tell from the little you say about your DP whether it's worth staying - surely the number of posters saying, Oh, FFS, just leave tells you that?

This leaps out from your very long OP: the very dominating, almost trampling attitude of the very bright middle DS (17) who likes to impose his opinion and "how I think things should be done" on everyone. Every single one of your posts seethes with fury that no one seems to do things the way you think things should be done...

I don't know that he is particularly good DP on the evidence of the OP.

On the last morning as we tidied the house, the two remaining DSs didn't lift a finger to help. This time I couldn't bear to ask yet again and for it to cause an argument. The eldest stood in the kitchen on his phone as I and others hurried round him. They did absolutely nothing whilst their younger cousins helped out and were wonderful. At one point the youngest DS threw a plastic bottle over his shoulder at me as I struggled with a broken bin bag on the floor, heard it bounce on the floor and walked off. I was enraged but knew another conflict with the DSs would bring my DP to his knees. I took the bins out and cried and cried behind the shed. When I came out DP saw something was wrong, followed me, and I told him how the DSs had not done anything to help. I was aghast: instead of telling them off or asking them to help out, he was irritated by my upset. The drive back was excrutiating.

OP then says DP isn't talking to her.

His sons behave badly, but there are no consequences, DP doesn't step in, when she's really upset by them he gets irritated and blames the OP.
He's apparently he's really upset that family life isn't what it should be. Who's responsibility is that? It's not the OP's fault he's not brought his sons up well.

He's blaming her, she's blaming middle son, but really the fault lies with DP.

If the OP wants to preserve her relationship she should move out and leave them to their dysfunctional dynamic. All staying will do is kill the relationship. OP will end up as the scapegoat.