Feel traumatised from stepkids hell, now relationship under threat

[SaffronStrands]

Hello, this is my first post after being a Mumsnet reader for a long while. This covers step children and my relationship so I hope it's ok that I post this here. I am so upset and feeling sick to my stomach every day and would like to hear others' thoughts and any advice.

I started to write this and it ended up a long message of this happened, then that, and this which would drive anyone reading it nuts. So I'll try to summarise as much as I can and leave out all the incidents and conflicts of which there have been several and are increasing in frequency.

My DP has three teenage/young men DSs, eldest at uni. DP divorced many years ago, I moved in a few months ago. DP and his ex have the DSs 50% of the time each.

From the outset DP and I wished to give them a family environment which they said they didn't have at their mum's (who remarried some years ago but the DSs say they hardly speak to her husband and argue with their mum). When I moved in, things went well, the DSs seemed welcoming and I was sensitive to moving into their space, and their family and they seemed to like me. They tended to leave a mess everywhere but when DP asked them to tidy up, they did. This stopped after a month. The only concern I had (other than their lack of respect for house rules and chores or basic tidying up after themselves) was the very dominating, almost trampling attitude of the very bright middle DS (17) who likes to impose his opinion and "how I think things should be done" on everyone.

My DP has wanted to talk to this middle DS for over a year about general life stuff, plans etc, but every time he storms out the room and avoids the conversation. This DS didn't apply to university as everyone thought it was going to do and announced he was taking a gap year, with no plans of anything to do on that gap year. My DP has now told me he hasn't been able to talk to him about anything properly for 3 years. It was a joke that the only way to get him to talk would be to lock him in a room, but my DP let it go whilst he took his A-levels, and thought when we go on holiday (last week) once the exams are over, he'd have a good chat, father to son at last about this year, life etc.

The holiday was a nightmare. All DSs didn't want to do or see anything (except one, biking), they said they wanted to just hang around the lovely rented house, and middle DS announced he didn't want to go to anything we suggested and we should leave him alone. I was sad our hopes for outings together etc. wouldn't happen, but DP seemed OK, he said every year they just like to do their own thing. So most days DP and I went out. On the couple of occasions we got them to join us to take the DS who wanted to go biking, they moaned about the duration of the journey and on being taken out at all. They left chaos in every room they touched and I seemed to spend all my time clearing up after 3 DSs who hardly spoke a word to me.

For the first few days I couldn't believe the lack of gratitude and general rudeness. DP's attempts to get them to tidy up collapsed when the middle DS announced he disagreed with the routine and refused to cooperate. It was as if they were having their holiday, we were trying to have some remnant for us, and DP and I were their slaves. Any time I asked them to tidy something up they either pretended to not hear me, ignore me or huff and puff.

The middle DS's behaviour became more and more argumentative, and this followed incidents before the holiday, at ours and at his mum's. He storms out of ours to spend time at hers, only to storm out of hers and come to ours. Small but building incidents happened over the holiday, each time with the middle DS being rude, refusing to cooperate, constantly challenging and debating (some of which is fine of course to a limit but he cannot bear to have his position questioned as part of the debate and he starts shouting and storms out!). Sometimes I just crave for him to just do something asked of him and to shut up. There was one blow up which DP believed was created as an excuse to yet again avoid any type of discussion, this middle DS told me he was putting DP on trial for the rest of the day and if DP told him off once more he was going to disappear and leave the holiday. I knew this would break DP's heart and told him, as I told the middle DS I would. Later middle DS found me when I was alone and let rip at me, DP ordered him to get out of the kitchen, and I then heard this middle DS badmouth DP and me, expletives etc to the elder DS. I realised then that he was now going to make me the cause of the issues, "DP has changed since she's been around" type of talk. DP tried to reassure me that this has been brewing for 3 years at least and that this middle DS's behaviour has been worsening long before I came along.

Next morning, middle DS was gone. He came back to our home and then to his mum's. After the initial shock, we took the other DSs out and there was actually relief in the air. The other DSs went back to their bit-more-friendly selves. Other family members came over and we had a few days of enjoyment, nobody was trampled on and there were no explosions. DP's mood lifted, we were close and loving, I wanted to cry with relief.

On the last morning as we tidied the house, the two remaining DSs didn't lift a finger to help. This time I couldn't bear to ask yet again and for it to cause an argument. The eldest stood in the kitchen on his phone as I and others hurried round him. They did absolutely nothing whilst their younger cousins helped out and were wonderful. At one point the youngest DS threw a plastic bottle over his shoulder at me as I struggled with a broken bin bag on the floor, heard it bounce on the floor and walked off. I was enraged but knew another conflict with the DSs would bring my DP to his knees. I took the bins out and cried and cried behind the shed. When I came out DP saw something was wrong, followed me, and I told him how the DSs had not done anything to help. I was aghast: instead of telling them off or asking them to help out, he was irritated by my upset. The drive back was excrutiating.

Which is where I am now. DP hardly speaks to me. The youngest DS has been with us for a few days and has probably spoken 10 words in that time. The eldest has been a bit friendlier but has been at his mum's. I have not seen the middle DS, whose return I now dread. DP's attitude towards the middle DS's behaviour to him, me, us and generally has turned from outrage and recognition of what he's been up to, and wanting him to face the consequences, to total worry that he will lose him forever if he comes down hard on him and he'll just have a chat with him instead.

I see a toxic middle DS whose disgusting behaviour seems to get no punishment or consequences. I see two other DSs heavily influenced by this middle DS, which is a shame as there are good hearts and sensitivity in there but when middle DS had his say to them they turn deeply unpleasant.

And now I have a DP who is devastated that the family atmosphere he hoped to create for his boys has not come off. In the past few days I have stood speechless as these 3 misbehaving boys have been greeted with smiles and enthusiasm and friendly texts from DP, whereas I have been treated with disdain.

I don't know what to do about the stepkids. I don't know what to do about the relationship with my DP which has been wonderful, and which I hope will continue to be but fear will now end. I have tried to talk to DP about it all, but he sighs, tells me it is recoverable, that he is going to talk to the middle DS whose only concern now seems to be not losing his middle DS to the wilderness. And if that means never speaking out about his appalling behaviour, that seems to be what DP is willing to do. I don't know what to do about my own feelings of sheer dread of the middle DS who I have to confess I can't even bring myself to say I like any more, or the two other DSs who I really thought I got on so well with, but who barely speak a word to me. The atmosphere in the house is killing me, I am exhausted and so fearful of this mess.

Sorry I misunderstood about the holidays OP.

I still think there are too many complications here. Put it this way - if I had a DP who felt the way you do about one of my teen DC, I could not continue in that relationship. Nor would I try to pursue a relationship with someone whose DC I had the strong feelings about that you describe.

I am not casting blame here - no idea whether the middle child is a living nightmare or whether you are over reacting. The outcome is the same - it's just not workable other than from a distance. If that isn't what you want, a relationship where you are just dating, then I would cut my losses.

lovelycuppateas: your experience with the teenage boys you write of is what I would have expected. It's how all the other cousins behaved, it's how my peers and I behaved, it's how my friend's kids behave.

The point is, modelling decent, kind, thoughtful behaviour is being done and has been. It was around them every day as everyone else tidied up and they just disappeared. It's around them every day at home here when the are continually told to clear up. It's around them when my DP was adamant their laziness will not be tolerated, and we created a routine of shared tidying up, just as you said. DP has stepped up to the plate. And the middle child, every single time no matter what adult says, announces his way is the best way, refuses to cooperate, and storms out. On holiday this went to so far as to react aggressively to DP 'stepping up to the plate' as you put it, lay into me when he found me alone, and then disappear causing much hurt and damage.

So, if we've done everything so many of you are saying, and this middle child refuses to cooperate, has some ingrained beilef that every opinion or thought he has must be trampled on everyone else (even every discussion about what's on the news, little fun factoids, any anecdote about something that happened - he challenges and argues about everything), and he's downright rude and preparing to either argue or storm out every second unless he's gaming in front of the TV, what do you do then?

You and especially DP were naive at best to think you could create a "family atmosphere" with DC of those ages, when there were longstanding problems with both DP and his ex's relationships with his sons.

Moving out would be best IMO.

You are not and may never be part of their "family unit".

You move out.

You are not their step mother you are dad's girlfriend.

They are teenagers and you are crowbarring yourself into an established dynamic.

"DP's intention has always been for us to model a healthy relationship, and family dynamic".

You and especially DP were unrealistic.

The modelling that you have been doing has only been for a few months. It takes years and years for modelling of relationships to have affect. That's why women in unhealthy relationships should leave early, so their children aren't exposed to it for years. The poor modelling is not undone in months. That's why it is too late for you to bring up these young men. You cannot undo 15+ years of poor modelling in a summer. Maybe ten years from now you will see the effect, but not now, and not if you get caught up in a poor dynamic in your home where you are doing all the work. Really, take a step back, if you want to model something, then model a good couples relationship with their father, but forget this modelling a family thing. It is too late for you to do that with these young men.

They're teens. What do you expect them to be like?

You cannot undo 15+ years of poor modelling in a summer.

Or ever, probably

I think I'd leave in your situation OP. You could carry on seeing your DP but I think his children are going to be a source of resentment that's not going away.
Maybe you would be happier in a less complicated relationship?
Sorry if that sounds harsh - it's not meant to be - and I really do sympathise with how difficult this must be for you.

The reality that you're in OP is a 'broken' home with teenage boys who argue with their mum and don't speak to their SF; who at their father's house you say don't respect house rules, don't do chores and don't tidy up after themselves.

Your DP's 'modelling' was not done or if it was, he did it badly.

This can't be fixed now, least of all by you. Nor can you cover up for poor parenting by holidays where everyone has a bad time.

No amount of complaining that other people's children aren't like that will change this.

Wow, pretty sick of seeing the comments about 'typical teenage behaviour '........bullshit!! Teens behave however we as the adults tolerate them to behave.....I have a teen, he does whatever I ask, not always straight away I'll grant you but he does it, and he does it because there us NO way he'd be allowed to get away with it.

OP, this family is dysfunctional, I see years ahead of bullcrap, get out!! The middle child is a narcissist.........he'll probably never change. Run for those hills, your partner and his ex wife have created monsters.......I feel very sorry for whoever they end up with!!

Calling them narcissists and monsters is a bit of an exaggeration! I work with teens and some of them are great, some of them are surly and moody, some of them are ok when you get to know them and some of them are going through a difficult phase and come out of it the other end.

Tbh I find most of them you can get along with once you establish a relationship with them, even the ones with the most challenging behaviour.

Agree with Lauralou69. All this shit about teens being expected to behave like entitled brats, is simply shit parenting and the OP should run for the hills.

If the DP only 'stepped up to the plate' since you came on the scene, then it's all for the wrong reasons and it's just too little, too late. Seems like everyone made an effort for the first few months then everyone reverted to type. Completely to be expected.

You're on a hiding to nothing here, OP.

Whataboutus, sorry but the middle child is indeed displaying narcissistic traits and the others are perhaps not monsters but are entitled feckless and lazy! Being a teen is not a medical condition and one of them is an adult, the other is nearly an adult. I see many threads about entitled lazy men in families so I stand by my point. Like I said, dysfunctional family, rarely change so the OP would be better to get out.

You sounds very kind and well intentioned. I can see that you want to deliver your boyfriends dream of a " happy family" But you can't. The time he needed to work on this was when his children were tiny.

You can't fix this for him. And I fear that you are now on the receiving end of his frustration and regret at the situation that he and their mother have caused.

If you stay, this will only get worse. Whatever you do for him and his sons, you will be in the wrong. If you work hard ( as you have done ) you will be seen as demanding and controlling. And as PP have said, unrealistic and unreasonable.

If you leave them all to it, you will be lazy and not making an effort. And not doing all that modelling that your DP wants.

It's hard enough to live with /deal with stroppy teens when they are your own and you have the authority. You don't here and you never will. This is a lose lose situation for you.

I agree wth everyone else here who has said to move out and date your BF. Then move into a new place , just the two of you, when his kids have left home.

I'm sorry, I know you want MNers to tell you what to do to fix the unfixable. But we can't.

I think you can't see past your good intentions.

From the outside it is clear that you have completely set yourself up to fail by attempting to impose 'a family' on these teens. And that it is negatively affecting all of you.

I'm guessing you may be closer in age to the DC than their father, and that you don't have any DC of your own and that is how you were able to be positioned into this role by your partner.

I also suspect, from what you have said, that your dp didn't have a very good relationship even before you were on the scene, that he believed moving in a replacement mother would just sort things out, that he has an authoritarian parenting style and does not have the necessary emotional skills to build adequate relationships with his sons and has instead decided moving a woman into the home should make up for that.

What the children need is a better relationship with their father not a girlfriend moving in and immediately imposing herself as stepmother.

I suspect he has set you up for that and probably your (I suspect) youth made you an easy target for it.

All of the behaviour you describe in the middle child is rebellion against the situation you and his father have chosen to create. The ideas you have about what family means are not even coming from the right place - you are wanting to fit the kids around your relationship, you need to fit around them.

I don't know if it's been suggested upthread but are you sure that middle DS does not have some kind of behaviour disorder that could be the reason why he is acting so badly?

The being incredibly stubborn and short tempered when people disagree with the smallest thing is a tell tale sign. Or he could just be rude.

Something to consider though

I disagree marmite

I think with stepfamily dynamics the only thing to do when there is dysfunction and not well adjusted kids (especially adolescents) is

1. accept it as is

Or

2. walk away

Pretending you can somehow suddenly model a family life to these adolescents after a relationship of only a year (that's a new relationship, not an established one, not in the eyes of the dc) and expect them to change their behaviour is utterly bonkers.

i don't see any consequences for the bad behaviour.
How does your dp follow through when the SK have broken house rules?

The rebellion is just typical teenage stuff.
Seeing as it was all males in the house before, your dp is still having his 'top dog' position challenged by the young team.

Now you've joined the 'pack'.....you are now a convenient scapegoat for the young team to use as a means of toppling 'top dog'.

You all need to agree on house rules and compromise on certain stuff...ensure shared spaces are kept clean on a rota basis for example
How we treat/talk to each other

Don't go on the next holiday when dp takes his sons - they all need a time when it's 'just them'
Your dp needs to show them who is 'top dog' and give them consequences for transgressions.

It's how all the other cousins behaved, it's how my peers and I behaved, it's how my friend's kids behave.

You keep saying this but all teens and their cumulative experiences are different? They sound rude but you sound pretty dismissive of the perspectives from the parents who have posted here. They are not kids - 2 of them are bonafide adults - your presence in their home is probably somewhat intrusive irritating to them and it sounds like you were moved in after only a year which in the grand scheme isn't long. Were there other gfs before you? That may really affect how they view you. They've lived with their dad doing their own thing for a long time - these are complex relationships built over time with lots of baggage. You are defiantly not a step parent but their dads girlfriend. Step back, leave any and all parenting to your partner. Your own relationship is not really firmly established never mind your relationship with these young men. Do your share of cleaning then leave the rest for your partner to sort with them.

OP it sounds a really horroble holiday.

I won't dwell on the holiday or the teenagers but wondered about you.

Roughly, how old are and how old is your dp?

I'm assuming you do not have kids but do you want to have one/ some one day?

Do you realistically see this happening with your dp?

Are you looking for this step family to be your family because you would like to parent or is it because you feel they need a parent (or your dp feels they need a step mum)?

I think you need to think about yourself here. Your dp's desire to model a good family relationships to his (almost) adult sons, well it just makes you sound like part of a plan.

But you are the star in your own life, or should be. If this relationship makes you happy , great, and of course there always needs to be give and take..

But it feels like quite a chore.

I'd move out, date dp, and revaluate.

I was a well behaved teen in a functional family and did my best to live up to family expectations about family life. Absolute people pleaser and still am. Still spending my holidays with parents (aged over 50) and still making it very much about their expectations.

But that is because their expectations were also part of my childhood and come entwined with happy memories. I think even I would have struggled if a dad's-only-recently-moved-in-girlfriend had decided to impose her own ideas of what family life should look like without any reference to what my own experiences had been of the family unit before her arrival.

But they are not necessarily the OP's ideas. Her dp has a vision of family life which it sounds like he is imposing through her.

I know parents influence children greatly but not all behaviour is learned or taught. three boys all behaving quite differently. OP barely mentions the youngest. All growing up with same parents. some people do just grow up to be not very nice we cannot blame parents for every character flaw!