Feel traumatised from stepkids hell, now relationship under threat

[SaffronStrands]

Hello, this is my first post after being a Mumsnet reader for a long while. This covers step children and my relationship so I hope it's ok that I post this here. I am so upset and feeling sick to my stomach every day and would like to hear others' thoughts and any advice.

I started to write this and it ended up a long message of this happened, then that, and this which would drive anyone reading it nuts. So I'll try to summarise as much as I can and leave out all the incidents and conflicts of which there have been several and are increasing in frequency.

My DP has three teenage/young men DSs, eldest at uni. DP divorced many years ago, I moved in a few months ago. DP and his ex have the DSs 50% of the time each.

From the outset DP and I wished to give them a family environment which they said they didn't have at their mum's (who remarried some years ago but the DSs say they hardly speak to her husband and argue with their mum). When I moved in, things went well, the DSs seemed welcoming and I was sensitive to moving into their space, and their family and they seemed to like me. They tended to leave a mess everywhere but when DP asked them to tidy up, they did. This stopped after a month. The only concern I had (other than their lack of respect for house rules and chores or basic tidying up after themselves) was the very dominating, almost trampling attitude of the very bright middle DS (17) who likes to impose his opinion and "how I think things should be done" on everyone.

My DP has wanted to talk to this middle DS for over a year about general life stuff, plans etc, but every time he storms out the room and avoids the conversation. This DS didn't apply to university as everyone thought it was going to do and announced he was taking a gap year, with no plans of anything to do on that gap year. My DP has now told me he hasn't been able to talk to him about anything properly for 3 years. It was a joke that the only way to get him to talk would be to lock him in a room, but my DP let it go whilst he took his A-levels, and thought when we go on holiday (last week) once the exams are over, he'd have a good chat, father to son at last about this year, life etc.

The holiday was a nightmare. All DSs didn't want to do or see anything (except one, biking), they said they wanted to just hang around the lovely rented house, and middle DS announced he didn't want to go to anything we suggested and we should leave him alone. I was sad our hopes for outings together etc. wouldn't happen, but DP seemed OK, he said every year they just like to do their own thing. So most days DP and I went out. On the couple of occasions we got them to join us to take the DS who wanted to go biking, they moaned about the duration of the journey and on being taken out at all. They left chaos in every room they touched and I seemed to spend all my time clearing up after 3 DSs who hardly spoke a word to me.

For the first few days I couldn't believe the lack of gratitude and general rudeness. DP's attempts to get them to tidy up collapsed when the middle DS announced he disagreed with the routine and refused to cooperate. It was as if they were having their holiday, we were trying to have some remnant for us, and DP and I were their slaves. Any time I asked them to tidy something up they either pretended to not hear me, ignore me or huff and puff.

The middle DS's behaviour became more and more argumentative, and this followed incidents before the holiday, at ours and at his mum's. He storms out of ours to spend time at hers, only to storm out of hers and come to ours. Small but building incidents happened over the holiday, each time with the middle DS being rude, refusing to cooperate, constantly challenging and debating (some of which is fine of course to a limit but he cannot bear to have his position questioned as part of the debate and he starts shouting and storms out!). Sometimes I just crave for him to just do something asked of him and to shut up. There was one blow up which DP believed was created as an excuse to yet again avoid any type of discussion, this middle DS told me he was putting DP on trial for the rest of the day and if DP told him off once more he was going to disappear and leave the holiday. I knew this would break DP's heart and told him, as I told the middle DS I would. Later middle DS found me when I was alone and let rip at me, DP ordered him to get out of the kitchen, and I then heard this middle DS badmouth DP and me, expletives etc to the elder DS. I realised then that he was now going to make me the cause of the issues, "DP has changed since she's been around" type of talk. DP tried to reassure me that this has been brewing for 3 years at least and that this middle DS's behaviour has been worsening long before I came along.

Next morning, middle DS was gone. He came back to our home and then to his mum's. After the initial shock, we took the other DSs out and there was actually relief in the air. The other DSs went back to their bit-more-friendly selves. Other family members came over and we had a few days of enjoyment, nobody was trampled on and there were no explosions. DP's mood lifted, we were close and loving, I wanted to cry with relief.

On the last morning as we tidied the house, the two remaining DSs didn't lift a finger to help. This time I couldn't bear to ask yet again and for it to cause an argument. The eldest stood in the kitchen on his phone as I and others hurried round him. They did absolutely nothing whilst their younger cousins helped out and were wonderful. At one point the youngest DS threw a plastic bottle over his shoulder at me as I struggled with a broken bin bag on the floor, heard it bounce on the floor and walked off. I was enraged but knew another conflict with the DSs would bring my DP to his knees. I took the bins out and cried and cried behind the shed. When I came out DP saw something was wrong, followed me, and I told him how the DSs had not done anything to help. I was aghast: instead of telling them off or asking them to help out, he was irritated by my upset. The drive back was excrutiating.

Which is where I am now. DP hardly speaks to me. The youngest DS has been with us for a few days and has probably spoken 10 words in that time. The eldest has been a bit friendlier but has been at his mum's. I have not seen the middle DS, whose return I now dread. DP's attitude towards the middle DS's behaviour to him, me, us and generally has turned from outrage and recognition of what he's been up to, and wanting him to face the consequences, to total worry that he will lose him forever if he comes down hard on him and he'll just have a chat with him instead.

I see a toxic middle DS whose disgusting behaviour seems to get no punishment or consequences. I see two other DSs heavily influenced by this middle DS, which is a shame as there are good hearts and sensitivity in there but when middle DS had his say to them they turn deeply unpleasant.

And now I have a DP who is devastated that the family atmosphere he hoped to create for his boys has not come off. In the past few days I have stood speechless as these 3 misbehaving boys have been greeted with smiles and enthusiasm and friendly texts from DP, whereas I have been treated with disdain.

I don't know what to do about the stepkids. I don't know what to do about the relationship with my DP which has been wonderful, and which I hope will continue to be but fear will now end. I have tried to talk to DP about it all, but he sighs, tells me it is recoverable, that he is going to talk to the middle DS whose only concern now seems to be not losing his middle DS to the wilderness. And if that means never speaking out about his appalling behaviour, that seems to be what DP is willing to do. I don't know what to do about my own feelings of sheer dread of the middle DS who I have to confess I can't even bring myself to say I like any more, or the two other DSs who I really thought I got on so well with, but who barely speak a word to me. The atmosphere in the house is killing me, I am exhausted and so fearful of this mess.

You don't know how other teenagers behave when on holiday with their DF and their stepmother. If you're there as a third party, you've already changed the dynamic. Surely, you must realise that? Comparing the behaviour of a pre-teen cousin with the behaviour of an older teen stepson is like comparing apples with oranges.
A PP mentioned that your DP and his DS have had holidays before and managed to tidy up after themselves. This is exactly right. You took on the role of 'chief bottle washer and tidy-upper' (as my DF would have called it) and then tried to chivvy everyone else along. You didn't need to take that role. You could have sat back and let your DP manage it all. He has more experience of their family holidays than you do.
I'm not trying to be harsh. It's just that it seems you created a role for yourself that then made you feel so frustrated you were crying at the bin-shed. You didn't need to take that role.

"They moaned to us god suggestions but rejected everything"

That's my 8yo.
And all her friends.
And all the younger and older kids I know

Wow - strumming my pain with your fingers - I have been in a similar situation - DP had 2 teenage DSs.

I moved in with them - every other w/c they went to their fathers - who dripped poison in their ears - and came home (deliberately late) on sunday night vile - and full of bile..

In public - ie around their DGF&DGM charm personified - at home alone - Not only did they not lift a finger - they created additional work for their mother/I.

When asked to do something the first word out of their mouth was always - and I mean ALWAYS - "No..."..

If they didn't want to do something they didn't - which entailed making their mother late for work every morning.. - No consequences - only bribes.. - No-win situation I am afraid - and trust me life is too short...

I lasted 8 months - and left for my own sanity - That was over a year ago - Never happier (no longer with the mother) - although we did try to make the relationship work living apart - also untenable..

I look back and wonder what I was thinking - as do my friends & family now.. - wish they had said something sooner..

This is only going to end one way - I would urge you to make it in a manner & time of your choosing - which in itself is very empowering...

HTH

The not tidying up as a uni student is normal. I have had two nephews and a niece stay with me while at uni and they are messy as sin. They leave their plates around and don't empty the dishwasher, they don't take the bins out, they are happy to watch me doing stuff. It's the transition from childhood where everything is done for you to adulthood where you think of things that need doing and do them yourself. Some are quicker to get there than others. Students don't have a reputation for filthy houses and rows with housemates over cheesy milk for no reason. I think they're a bit like that till they have their first job.

I stopped going in family holidays when I was 14.

I also think your expectations are too high.

I have worked with teenage boys for 25 years and helpful and tidy are not words I would use to describe many of them.

A family holiday in a rented cottage with three young men sounds like a recipe for disaster for me.

Teenager in wanting to stay in their room on PS4 shocker.

Often the only way way some of us can stick our teens is that we remember their cute faces when they were toddlers and it helps us carry on..All my teens went through that not wanting to join in holiday stuff messy etc. But those kids were in a dysfunctional pattern before you came along and you were not going to save them from that.
My teens have made me cry..especially one who for a year or two tested me to my limit. But now all are in their 20s and fantastic. ( not too tidy though)
Its difficult to endure those years when that bond isnt there to sustain you. Move out and enjoy times with your boyfriend unhindered by slovenly rude teens.

Your DP is the one with crazy expectations and his assumption you're happy to play housemaid to 3 spoiled, bratty, unpleasant teens.

As others have said, how was he coping before you got together?

I'm sure his life is easier now someone else is taking on the shit jobs but what about yours?

It's not failing or letting anyone down to put your own wellbeing and mental health and happiness at the top of your own list of priorities. Don't think that. It's being honest and realistic about the life you want.

For some reason your DP doesn't care enough to make you happy and give you a lovely life. Which is hard to hear. But it's also true and his effort and kindness to you seems to be conditional on you towing the line, sucking it up and putting yourself last.

You deserve better than that.

That sounds rough OP.
You aren't going to win.
I, too, would move out and return to the relationship dynamic you had before.
In three years time, if the 15 year old is off to uni, you could live together then.
It's not you.
It's a dynamic that has built over the puberty years, I suspect in both households. In fairness, many teens don't want to do much other than live in their pits and be left alone. I have been to center parcs and had a teen stay in the chalet the whole time. Her holiday, her chill out time, I took her siblings swimming and left her to it.
You are not the unpaid maid, cook, cleaner or bottle washer. You are an easy scapegoat.
I would explain all this to OP that it is not working for any of you and was too soon.

Yeah, woman in not wanting to be used as a skivvy for 4 capable men shocker heateallthebuns

Having a university student standing watching me tidy up for 2 hours, as his 12 year old cousin asks "can I help?" is disgraceful.

I agree it isn't good but the problem is because of your role/relationship in the house. If it were my son (who is same age and in fairness might have not noticed I was cleaning but would be sorry if I pointed it out), I'd have said "for god's sake put out the trash, and brush the floor". If he refused, I'd have had war with him. If it was my son's friend I'd have said "Rob could you help me put out the trash and sweep the floor" and if he refused I'd have said nothing but never invited him again.

Your issue is you feel you can't say anything because their dad will get upset. In this situation, I'd have cleaned a fair share of the house, put my bags in the car and announced to everyone I was off for a walk while they did their bit of the cleaning.

I don't think she should want to act as a skivvy. It's normal teenage behaviour she has described. As someone else said when selfish teenagers are your own children from earlier in childhood (or in my case nieces and nephews) you can put up with it more easily and also deal with the behaviour as an authority figure more easily. In op position she should not be surprised at the behaviour, is all I was saying. That's why leaving might be the best solution. In a year or two the teenagers could be lovely considerate young men living elsewhere!

wow. move out pronto. this is an untenable situation and i don't think you can change it. any change has to come from your dp.

move out move out move out

Twelve year olds still want to please adults, the selfish gene has not yet kicked in.You really can not compare the lads to their cousin.The lifestyle teens live now is far removed from the eighties, nineties teen that you were familiar with.Teens also behave differently when with another family and become more cooperative and sociable, their own family usually comes down the hierarchy in terms of respect.So don't assume the teens you know behind closed doors do not act exactly the same as yours.

A lot of time is spent sleeping, lounging around (as old fashioned me sees it) but not to them, they are probably chatting to ten of their mates on their phone. Meet ups are at ridiculous times when the day is nearly over,it's got to be something amazing for them to get up and out.Gaming and Netflicks probably appeal more to them than activities anyhow. Even on holiday, they like what they like. I wouldn't try and meet their claims of boredom, they are old enough to plan what they want to do, I'd provide the cash and leave them to it. Stop stressing about the tidying, leave it, shut doors, only when the last glass is dirty will something be done.You need to sit it out.

I don't envy you because it's a tough age group to deal with and they seem disengaged from their Dad which adds to the problem.The next holiday, no meeting their preferences for location etc, choose something you and DP like and ask them individually if they really want to come

It's the transition from childhood where everything is done for you to adulthood where you think of things that need doing and do them yourself.
But..that transition has to start when they are still children! (Hence my constant naggingreminding about the necessity of tidying up ones own stuff.)
I would bet good money that the DP has somewhat opted out of the years of having any reasonable expectations of his kids.
Obviously something happens when children when they become teens and the training kind of goes out the window a bit a lot but that doesnt mean that their actual parent allows them to get away with bullying.

I don't think teens have changed that much actually, I think some people's parenting has. I was working full time at 17, as are lots of young people where I live (well, 18 anyway) and lots of them live with their parents and manage to pitch in. They might not be participating in games of scrabble with Mum and Dad, but they don't act like utter twats either.

Generally, teenagers are pretty vile and possibly in a few years time the middle one will become a more pleasant individual. I agree with the others who say that you should move out. You could still see your partner and maybe in a few years at least some of them will have left home and the coast will be a lot clearer.

That's if your partner is worth hanging around for. Good luck.

OP, you have 2 choices:

1. Move out now and continue in the relationship with their dad, moving in together when the boys are all at uni. Or
2. Continue to live there until you and your relationship is totally broken. And then move out.

I know you totally wanted a nice family atmosphere. And I think it's great you were so willing to take on responsibility of 3 near adult men. But they are at an independent age where hanging around with adults isn't what interests them.
I would totally expect them to tidy up after themselves - but it can be flexible like you need to make sure x y and z is done before dinner/bed etc.

I agree that your relationship should be away from this atmosphere as you should not be the fall guy for teens going through what is hopefully just a phase of disrespect. Maybe Ina few years time you can reconsider moving in when the phase has passed or they've all moved out.

But I don't think this step parent issue but rather 3 disrespectful boys issue.

Pallisers - absolutely. I'd have done the same.

The thing is with most teenagers, they genuinely don't seem to SEE mess. They certainly don't think "Oh, Mum/Dad/Dad's GF is cleaning, I'll offer to help." The best you can hope for is that when you ASK for specific help, they will do what you've asked after procrastinating for about a year

They are a peculiar species. Tbh, most of the behaviour of the eldest and youngest sounds perfectly normal. The middle one sounds like an absolute shite to me, but possibly he has been left to rule the roost by your DP who in all honesty sounds like a wet weekend and quite weak.

Personally I would move out, on the basis that neither your DP nor his children seem capable of treating you with any respect, so you will leave them to it. If you want to carry on dating your DP, do it on your terms.

I am sorry I couldn't read all the OP. It was very long and I'm not sure it helps to post everything. Good if it did help you.

I'd be walking away and not because your potential step children won't do chores but because your not so D P is now not talking to you because you've voiced your feelings.

Op - take yourself out of the middle of this drama. Crying and crying and crying behind the bins because of their behaviour? No.

Do your share of what needs doing, and then let your dp sort out his children. You are on an absolute hiding to nothing here, and I second all the pps who've suggested moving out for a while. All teenagers are moody, messy and difficult, and - unfortunately for you - you've come along at a really vile difficult time in their lives.

They will improve - honestly! (Just not yet).

Sounds like they have unfortunately not been 'trained' to tidy up after themselves even in the smallest capacity, that may not be surprising considering they are 50/50 between household, so they may be used to the adults doing literally everything for them, 50/50 may well mean a lot of inconsistency, you don't know (?) what habits they pick up at their mothers house, children and young people pick up polite habits as they are growing up; from their parents, as I said, inconsistency, you haven't got a view on 50% of their day-to-day life and lots of things may have been given the slide.

This doesn't excuse their behavior. But this is not something you can really 'correct' in them, due to their ages and the 50/50, you'd be fighting a losing battle. Some teenagers even change to become like this - it's just how some people are.

Pick your battles
Decide whether or not you want to stay
Things will get better as they move out (expect them to be rude till at least 21 from experience!)
You need to confirm what middle child is doing regarding GAP year/doing nothing/getting a job
Family meeting, dad leads and it needs to be made clear on expectations for EVERYONE i.e rudeness. E.g if someone throws a bottle at the floor like that again, no more bottles in the house for them etc. You could agree to limit what they have in the house if their rude behavior continues
They can't be around too often, 50% of the time minus sleeping, laying in, going out, staying in the bedroom, you're not there etc... You can sort something

I like many other posters have said maybe consider moving out to get some breathing space and consider whether you can put up with things as they are or move on.

Also I think it will give your Dp a kick up the backside to stop trying to please his boys all the time and constantly making allowances for their behaviour, they are young men and they need to start acting like it.

With you moving out to take some time away from the situation and if your Dp really cares about you he will read his boys the riot act, my house my rules if you don't like it then goodbye, if nothing changes then I'm sorry to say you can't be that important too him.