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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

passionate affair with ex boyfriend

279 replies

shopaholic · 14/07/2004 16:37

I have just begun a passionate affair with my first ever boyfriend and have fallen head over heels in love. We are of course both married. I want to feel guilt so I can stop but don't. In completely celibate marriage and sex with ex is absolutely fantastic. I know I will end up with a broken heart but self preservation instincts have gone completely out of the window. Help me. He lives 100 miles away but this has not been a barrier so far.

OP posts:
fabarooney · 14/07/2004 08:28

shopaholic,

hope you're OK. I just wanted to to add something else to the thread. Your last post makes me wonder if this other chap is looking for a way to end his marriage. It sounds as though he is doing all he can to destroy it. I think a lot of affairs are a way of someone saying "I don't want to be in this relationship but I'd rather not be the one to call time on it so I'll give my other half the excuse to do it." Do you really want to be the person that is being used for this? It doesn't sound as though he minds being caught out - I suspect that it would suit him fine if he was - but what about you? What do you really want from your marriage NOT the affair. Do you want your marriage to end? Do you want to "shock" your partner into turning your marriage into something better? If so, isn't there another, less destructive, way to do this? Have a think about some of those things rather than the passionate sex with someone else. By the way, you are not a horrible person. This is real life and stuff happens. Don't stop talking to us all.

nutcracker · 14/07/2004 16:41

Is this the guy you met up with the other week ??

kalex · 14/07/2004 16:45

Oh shopaholic, Please tread so carefully, there are so many people that are going to be hurt by this

nutcracker · 14/07/2004 16:46

I'm not sure what to say really, am a little shocked.

spacemonkey · 14/07/2004 16:49

shopaholic, you are brave posting on here about this as I highly doubt you will receive much support

I have been there myself, although never with a married man, so I am not judging you at all - I do understand how one's feelings can override all moral and practical concerns. Very difficult situation - you really must tread carefully. Good luck.

poppyseed · 14/07/2004 16:50

Why do you need help? What is it that you want out of the relationship and your marriage?

kalex · 14/07/2004 16:50

Isn't his wife pregnant. How would you feel if you were his wife

Have just found out that my EX was having an affair with a friend when I was pregnant with DD and although I have no feeling at all 4 him, it still left me reeling. Made me feel that our whole realtionship was based on one massive sham.

If he can do this to her at such a vulnerable stage in her life - I really don't think that he is a very nice person

mummytosteven · 14/07/2004 16:54

Sorry to be so negative, but you're playing with fire and it's all going to go horribly wrong (sooner rather than later). You would probably be better off deciding if/how you want to improve your relationship with your husband or leave him and look for somebody unattached/uncomplicated for the fabulous sex/attention.

spacemonkey · 14/07/2004 16:57

Yes, I think you're right mummytosteven.

shopaholic, if you can end it without anyone finding out I highly recommend you do so - my marriage broke up in the wake of an affair (mine - with an unattached man) and it was awful awful AWFUL.

If it really is love ... both of you should find the courage to face your respective spouses and finish your marriages before going any further.

Easier said than done I know

Chandra · 14/07/2004 17:10

Shopaholic, I knew it was you before opening the thread!. I would not condemn you for having an affair with a married man (actually I'm happy you are feeling so happy at the moment and won't say anything about the effects in his family as I'm sure many will comment on that) BUT, even though I have never had an affair (so no real experience), I believe this can only be safely done (apart from safe sex, etc.) IF:

a) If you realise and accept that you will be playing a secondary role in his life. I believe that if you try to change that you may a) be successful or b)you are more likely to get extremely attached to him (not in a nice way) by the frustration that being the second runner up causes you.

b) If you are prepared to be realistic. At the moment, the fact that you are having this affair may make you believe that you were meant for each other, that you should never have parted, etc. but keep in mind that no matter how nice he is to you, this is a man capable to betray his pregnant wife, and may only be taken advantage of the fact that you are not happy in your marriage, you are an old girlfriend who HE left, and may consider you a nice entertainment to give some adventure to his life, the fact that you are married gives him the confidence that you are going to be discrete and you are not going to end up boiling rabitts because you also have a family that can be seriously affected.

on the bright side, happiness now is part of a package which includes sadness, that's what you are accepting, which is fine if you plan to spend years together, but how would he react when his baby's born? would he stop contact with you because he wants to insure the best for this little being? If this happiness is going to last so little, isn't it a hugely expensive price to pay?

Good luck, and even if he was your first love, don't fall in love again as a teenager, however tempting it may be.

ripley · 14/07/2004 17:13

Sorry to say this but you are being so selfish and I don't think you will get much support here. My blood just boils listening to this. It's one thing ruining your own marriage but this man has a pregnant wife! You haven't mentioned any thoughts towards her in any of your posts. You can't be feeling in love with this man, you are in lust and you are recalling all the old feelings you had towards him. You are mentioning your broken heart but what about the wife's??!! There are enough threads on this board about affairs from women who have had husbands go off with somebody else - maybe you should read through some so you can get into the head of what the other person might feel.

Chandra · 14/07/2004 17:13

Before I get slaughtered, I'm not oblivious of the catastrophic consequences it may have, I just though of adding that as a food for thought...

Samcj · 14/07/2004 17:15

Back off, cool off, take yourself out of the situation away from both of them and suss out what it is you want. However you feel at the moment having an affair is basically wrong, and I know you know that. There are however, many reasons for affairs and it is generally recognised that both partners in the marriage are in some way to blame for infedility. But surely if your marriage is beyond repair then you would want to look back on how everything panned out and know that you acted in a respectful and appropriate way?

geordiegirl · 14/07/2004 17:38

Sh,I don't condem ( we are all human and make mistakes) you but I would like to warn you of the absolute pain, agony and heartache that an affair causes to ALL parties and it goes wider when people/ relatives/friends/ children find out ( my dh had one a few months ago). You are living a fantasy, the reality is he is using you for the excitemet of illicit sex and probably you him!It can only end in absolute misery, probably for you. he will never leave his wife especially when he holds his child for the first time. Are you really the type of person who breaks up a family, deprives a baby of his father because you want some excitement? I don't think you are from things you've written. His wife and child are not just there in the background they are people who have done nothing to you, please don't devistate their lives. You may be unhappy now but ( speaking as a wife/mother who has sat across a table from the married, childless mistress who couldn't accept that my dh loved me more than her)your unhappiness will devistate you if you let this run it's course. It is not just about you and him, lots of people get hurt because of your actions- please be strong and think carefully.

moominmama86 · 14/07/2004 17:40

Shopaholic, your self-preservation instincts may have gone out of the window but your sense of self-entitlement certainly hasn't.

Why are you asking for help? You knew exactly what you were doing when you went out to lunch with this man. Whether your marriage is bad or not is no excuse. You're not in love, you're in lust, you're married, he's married and his wife is going to have his baby. IMO, it stinks.

Yes, I'm being judgemental and harsh, but I'm not sure what else you would expect.

Easy · 14/07/2004 17:58

I remember several of us telling you NOT to get into this a couple of weeks ago. So you asked for our advice, we gave it, you ignored it.

This isn't a request for help is it, it's really more of a boast about your affair?

Well I for one hope you are proud of yourself. You may believe your marriage is over, in which case you should end it cleanly before getting involved with someone else.

Your Lover has a marriage too. What he does is up to him, but you are helping to destroy his marriage, you obviously don't care about that.(I'd wonder tho' how many other affairs he's had)

Well enjoy your pleasure now. But please don't come bleating to us when it all falls apart, as it is going to. How do you think your husband will react when he finds out?

You know, you have made me really ANGRY

Janstar · 14/07/2004 17:59

shopaholic, I presume you have children or you wouldn't be on this website. Have a think about exactly how you would word your explanation to them about why you and daddy can't live together with them any more.

Pes · 14/07/2004 18:02

shopaholic,
I have just read the other thread and it seems that this was almost inevitable given your situation at home. It must be very very hard for you.
You were basically looking for an escape and you found it.
Obviously I don't know the bf, but looking at it objectively he responded straight away to a message from an ex, was insistent when you initially cancelled, is very quickly into an affair, and has a pregnant wife. Doesn't sound like such a great catch to me, sorry. Sounds like it would have been someone else if not you. And I feel very sorry for his wife.
I am not judging you at all, though. I have never been in your situation, and who knows how I would react. (I have often found in the past that as soon as I spout "I would never do XYZ" I end up doing it!!)
Having said that, if I were his wife I would hate and despise you. (Sorry if that sounds harsh but I have been cheated on in the past and the feelings are like nothing on earth) But then you probably know that already.
I think you posted somewhere else that you needed to feel like a person in your own right (sorry about paraphrasing). Please try not to tie up your entire well-being and self esteem in this relationship.

ripley · 14/07/2004 18:11

Let's put it this way - what if you were pregnant with your first child and your husband (who I assume you had feelings for at the time) had a 'passionate' affair with an ex behind your back. How would you feel then? And how would you feel about the woman who gave no thought to the fact that he was married and about to have a baby?

sobernow · 14/07/2004 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sponge · 14/07/2004 18:16

You might be in love but is he?
Probably not. Bear in mind that a lot of men go off sex with their pregnant wives so he might just be looking for an outlet for his frustrations.
A lot of people might get hurt but the one inevitability I think is that you will as he is almost certainly just looking for a bit of fun and excitement.

Piffleoffagus · 14/07/2004 18:19

First thoughts are that having a carap and celibate marriage does not give you the right to ruin someone elses.
If this had been so important a relationship to embark on surely the best course of action would have been
admission to your spouses
the decision to leave
and to maturely deal with the consequences, this will come back on you without doubt.
I cannot condemn you as I do not know you, but on the surface without knowing much I find it hard to share your sense of exuberance.
I think my feelings come from the fact that he is married, rather than you being married, odd perhaps..
take care of you and yours...

Chandra · 14/07/2004 18:20

Shopaholic what changed the day you met? has he had contact with you since the savoy lunch? what does your husband thinks? surely he must have noted a change in your actitude in the last days?

I'm not quite sure why I'm asking this, I would be terrified to post in this thread again if I had started it .

sobernow · 14/07/2004 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piglit · 14/07/2004 18:27

Wow - talk about having your cake and eating it. This guy gets to play the family man to the outside world but also gets a shag from his ex. And cheating on his pg wife? Sounds like a really nice guy. Not. If he can do this to his pg wife then what else is he capable of?

This can only end in heartbreak for you all. You only have yourself to blame when it all goes tits up (which it will). My god - I keep thinking about his poor wife.

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