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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

passionate affair with ex boyfriend

279 replies

shopaholic · 14/07/2004 16:37

I have just begun a passionate affair with my first ever boyfriend and have fallen head over heels in love. We are of course both married. I want to feel guilt so I can stop but don't. In completely celibate marriage and sex with ex is absolutely fantastic. I know I will end up with a broken heart but self preservation instincts have gone completely out of the window. Help me. He lives 100 miles away but this has not been a barrier so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
shopaholic · 08/08/2004 15:22

Feel completely desparate at moment as though I am trapped in impossible situation of total unhappiness and can see no way out.

OP posts:
dillema · 08/08/2004 15:26

Have changed my name for this and didnt want to get involved, but please, please end this now. I was in an unhappy marriage which urged me to have a long running affair with a married man which went on and off for years, so I know exactly how you are feeling. I was head over heels in love with him, enjoying feeling special etc, then he wouldn't contact me for weeks sometimes months on end. Just as I was coming to terms each time with this, he would contact me and stir all those feeling up again. I got to the point of deep depression and even tried to end my life on two occasions. Finally I saw sence and took the step of fininshing the affair heartbreaking as it was. Alas, it was too late, my dh found out and its practically destroyed our marriage and the mans family I was having the affair with. My husband took me back, but we both know we are still not happy and will probably separate at some stage when the kids have flown the nest. I still secretly think of the other guy and have feeling for him but know now that I am better of without him. Maybe one day I will find happiness and what ever you decide, I hope you will too. Look after yourself.

hercules · 08/08/2004 15:31

Shopoholic - I havent posted or read whole or previous threads properly as I didnt have anything to add that would be what you wanted to hear.
Affairs end in unhappiness for all concerned. You really do need to sort out your own marriage and life. Then you can consider where you go from there. You realise there is no future with this person so I'm not sure where you see it going. I can imagine how good it must feel to be in this heightened state but it is only temporary.
Do you have children yourself? Is it really worth hurting them as I know it's a cliche but they are the ones who will really suffer.
My mother left her first dh for my father and left him 23 years later. The children from his first marriage and her first marriage were gutted all over again as their childhood had been so dreadfully affected by this affair which in their eyes didnt last anyway.

Sort your own life out please and I know you will get stacks of support here in doing so but I for one cannot support you having an affair.

Surely you are worth more than this?

Original poster
shopaholic · 08/08/2004 15:33

thanks for your reply dillema. Of course I know you are right, every part of my rational mind tells me he is just infatuated with me at the moment and will use my love for him to string me along (not as though he has ever said we will be together permanently). I can hardly believe that I have only been seeing him for 5 weeks as I can't remember what I felt like before this total assault on my feelings. I hope you will be happy one day soon. Good luck to you you did the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
shopaholic · 08/08/2004 15:37

Hercules - believe me before this happened to me I was totally against affairs with married men and had friends in a similar situation who I actually fell out with because of my views. I could never imagine having an affair even after 16 years with my DH. Then it happened to me and all pre-conceived ideas just go out of the window. I just can't cope with these strong overwhelming feelings.

OP posts:
hercules · 08/08/2004 15:39

I dont understand what you want then. What is the problem?

dillema · 08/08/2004 15:40

Shopaholic, you hit the nail on the head when you said its a total assault on your feelings because thats what it is. You have got to think of yourself now, and do what you really want, and thats to end the affair I know. 5 weeks is a small chunk out of your life. Please dont let those 5 weeks destroy the rest of your life. Thankyou for your kind words too. Be happy

Original poster
shopaholic · 08/08/2004 15:47

What I want Hercules is to avoid the pain that I know will be inflicted if I end the affair or if I carry on. Either way unhappiness seems inevitable and I feel vulnerable and unable to cope with this pain.

OP posts:
bbensley · 08/08/2004 15:51

If you end it the pain will be in one huge lump and will be contained to just you. If you carry on you will still get the constant pain of being apart but theres the added risk of the others finding out which will cause them pain too.

dillema · 08/08/2004 15:54

Look ahead, tell yourself that if you go through the pain of ending things now, that pain will be gone in six months time. Even if its not completely gone by then, you will be feeling better.

Original poster
shopaholic · 08/08/2004 16:07

You are both right I know. But now that this relationship has happened, something inside me has been unlocked and I am not the same person so cannot imagine going back to the way things were before.

OP posts:
hercules · 08/08/2004 16:16

But Shopaholic it is impossible to avoid the pain. You have to end the affair and deal with your marriage. Do you think this man is going through this? I expect he's too busy preparing for the birth of his baby! He doesnt actually care about you or he wouldnt put you through this.
5 weeks is not a long time to fall in love especially when you dont see him that often.
I think you have experienced something new and it has shown you what a rut you were in before.
I doubt many peoples marriage is that exciting or thrilling after so long but doesnt make it not worth working on.
If you really dont want to continue your marriage the lease you owe your husband is an explanation and a chance.
Maybe he wants a way out as well and frankly if you're allowed to have fun then why cant he?

bbensley · 08/08/2004 16:19

I never said go back to how it was, that would be impossible you have changed too much. But you got to look forward like Dilemma said cos this isn't going to make you happy.

dillema · 08/08/2004 16:27

Things will never be how they were before, shopaholic. But at least you will be able to make a fresh start. and unlike me, if you do it now, you wont hurt the rest of your family.

MummyToSteven · 08/08/2004 18:03

shopaholic - there's no easy answers I'm afraid. more a case of damage limitation. you know yourself that ending the affair now is the least painful option. Do you want to feel like this in a year's time? How would you cope if your husband found out and left you? If you feel that your relationship with dh is beyond help - and are not willing to have a finally stab with counselling etc, then you have two choices - stay for the sake of children, or go. You have seen this man 6 or 7 times at most. You can live without him.

tammybear · 08/08/2004 18:46

Ive been keeping an eye on this thread, but havent said much in it. I did just want to say that you seem to be very happy when you're with him, but when you're not, you realise the hurt and upset that encircles the affair. You're in an unhappy marriage, so you will want to find happiness somewhere else, but wouldnt you want to be able to be fully happy? Because you cant be and never will be because you know you'll end up hurt somewhere down the line if you carry on this affair. Also the word "love" is used very casually these days, and Im not doubting how you feel about him, but can you really trust that he loves you like he says he does? Wouldnt you rather find someone that you can be with, without all the complications that you have with him? when my xdp told me it was over, I was in absolute torment. I loved him so much, and still do. But I know I can move on if I really want to. Everyone on here has been so supportive. When I felt like txting him or ringing him, I would come on here, and say Im feeling down and someone will be there to talk to me. You dont need a man to be happy, you just need yourself. To be able to look after yourself, and find happiness in things that you can do for yourself, not through money, or men, or possessions etc. Do you have friends that you can share things with? Your friends are what you need the most at times like this. You can get support and happiness from somewhere else in your life, like your children. You dont need him, even if you think you do. I thought that about xdp, but I realised I had low self esteem, and that life goes on without him. sorry if this hasnt made sense, or Im just rambling on. xxx

glitterfairy · 08/08/2004 19:02

Shopaholic I am glad you came back and am sorry you are feeling low. I think it is abit like wanting that bar of chocolate but knowing it is bad for you. To be honest it is not that you need him but you want him. You know he isnt that good for you but it is almost iresistable. FWIW I think you need to seperate what you feel for him from how you are about your marriage and start to think about how to resolve that issue first.

posyhairdresser · 08/08/2004 19:03

Shopaholic, do you think this affair is leading anywhere?

bbensley · 08/08/2004 19:37

Tammybear I think thats a lovely post

dillema · 08/08/2004 19:55

Yes I agree, tammybear you are full of wise words

hercules · 08/08/2004 19:57

One of the best posts I've read on mumsnet tammybear!

tammybear · 08/08/2004 20:01

lol thanks girls. dont know where it comes from

Galaxy · 08/08/2004 20:11

message withdrawn

Flossam · 09/08/2004 00:10

Sorry, but I just feel the need to say one thing... £350,000? And he thinks he's not rich? Am I so very poor? This man does not sound like he lives on this planet.

tammybear · 09/08/2004 00:16

thats a really good point flossam. how much debt is he in then?? Im sorry but seems all to suspicious to me.

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