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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

passionate affair with ex boyfriend

279 replies

shopaholic · 14/07/2004 16:37

I have just begun a passionate affair with my first ever boyfriend and have fallen head over heels in love. We are of course both married. I want to feel guilt so I can stop but don't. In completely celibate marriage and sex with ex is absolutely fantastic. I know I will end up with a broken heart but self preservation instincts have gone completely out of the window. Help me. He lives 100 miles away but this has not been a barrier so far.

OP posts:
lemonice · 14/07/2004 18:38

I'm a bit baffled as to what help you are looking for. If it's help to feel guilty then you've had some excellent advice so far but it sounds more like you are quite triumphant about how well the romance is going.

binkie · 14/07/2004 18:49

Others have said that, for him, this isn't necessarily about you. I think it that, for you, it may well be not really about him.

This isn't fun. This is self-destruction, just like the shopping, just like the telling strangers intimate things about yourself when you know they are going to shoot you down in flames. The exhilaration is part and parcel of that.

Seriously, there's a pattern here. Before the crisis gets worse, I think you should think about seeing a therapist. (And yes, stop seeing him.)

lemonice · 14/07/2004 19:00

Shopaholic - do you feel as though you are in a film or that everything has gone "unreal"?

tammybear · 14/07/2004 19:05

when i was with exp, i got back in contact with dp and we realised that we still wanted to be with one another and still loved each other. we are now back together, but we made sure that we didnt do anything until I was single. Exp believes I had an affair (which I didnt, how can I when I was stuck in the house 24/7 and dp lives in Kent??) and Ive only just recently told exp about dp and he flipped. And we're not even together, and havent been since Aug last year. I dont think I would have felt guilty if I had an affair with dp as I didnt love exp, but I thought of dd, and didnt want her to be ashamed of me in the future.

Everyone is going to get seriously hurt. Really think about what you are doing. I havent seen your other thread so I dont know the full story, but you should look at your relationship with dh, and figure out what you want to do first with him, before doing anything else.

princesspeahead · 14/07/2004 19:24

ahem.
I told you so.

sorry I'm not much help, but it is your ex's pregnant wife I'd rather give help to.

foxinsocks · 14/07/2004 19:35

I'm almost wondering if this is a wind up! I'm not sure it's you that needs the help - you just need a giant kick up the backside.

I would say the following:

  1. Passion is great but it never lasts. It's so easy in a celibate marriage to grasp at straws.

  2. If you think your marriage is over, then leave. Don't bugger about your dh - that's not fair.

  3. How do you know he feels so strongly about you (your lover)? Is he prepared to leave his pregnant wife for you? There will be loads of complications involved with this. If he doesn't want his marriage to work then he needs to sort this out with his dw. As a woman, I'm sure you can understand her position so stop thinking of yourself and tell him to sort out his marriage - I personally wouldn't see him until he has left his wife (but then I personally wouldn't be seeing him at all).

  4. The one thing I can honestly say that I have learnt about marriage is that it is bloody hard work. You have your ups and downs. The ups are brilliant but the downs can be miserable. If you were ever in love with your dh then you owe it to him to really try and resolve your problems with him first before turning to others for quick fixes.

EvilQueenofNumbers · 14/07/2004 19:56

I'd rather help the pregnant wife too.

lemonice · 14/07/2004 20:01

I had the same thought foxinsocks.

piglit · 14/07/2004 20:10

And the fact of the matter is that you'll either end up totally alone or with some complete arsehole who can't keep his dick in his trousers and thinks nothing of cheating. Hey - what a great life you're going to have.....

binkie · 14/07/2004 20:15

lemonice, me too - but wouldn't dismiss for that - if it is a wind-up, the very urge to do that fits with some real concerns about what might be happening to Shopaholic

lemonice · 14/07/2004 20:16

tbh I was thinking a bit manic

binkie · 14/07/2004 20:20

well, yes - I thought your question below a good one.

Shopaholic, you probably didn't expect to be analysed like this, and very sorry if it's intrusive, but if you can turn your mind away from the man for a moment, are you absolutely sure you're all right in yourself?

noddy5 · 14/07/2004 20:20

shopaholic where are you?After your initial bravado you are now conspicuous by your absence,you didn't really expect sympathy/help from a website full of wives and mothers did you?
stop thinking about just you 2 there are far wider implications

childish · 14/07/2004 20:30

Just like to add my agreement to everybody elese's on here - I feel sorry for the wife - he is an arsehole - and I'd bet my share of my house that this isn't the first time that he's cheated. Shopaholic - if I was his wife I would HATE you and I agree with somebody else on here that all you're doing is bragging - well enjoy it cos it's no fun for anyone else. Have to get off this thread now as I feel sick.

dejags · 15/07/2004 00:25

I never get involved in these threads because I feel it's disrespectful to the many mumsnetters who have been are or in the process of being devastated by an affair.

Please try to read some of the threads where these woman have laid themselves bare at the expense of a cheating husband - these aren't crocodile tears, these are the feelings of woman whose lives have been torn apart.

I can 't go into detail but I can PROMISE you this - if you continue you will get found out and it will devastate your family. I am not judging you because I don't have that right but believe me those in your life who have that right will use it. They will judge you and hate you for the hurt you have inflicted.

I won't even mention his wife. I am pregnant and I don't think I could survive if my DH did anything like this.

Be kind to everybody concerned - it's what you would expect for yourself.

Galaxy · 15/07/2004 00:45

message withdrawn

collision · 15/07/2004 01:03

I wonder if this is a wind-up too.

We read the thread about you meeting up with this guy and all told you how unwise it was and yet you still went ahead and met up and now you are having an affair. To post so blatantly about it is strange as you know what we will say and you know how many will be hurt by this.

You arent asking advice but almost bragging IMO. What do you want us to say?? Carry on and destroy 2 families???? Are you trolling around?

wobblyknicks · 15/07/2004 01:09

Sorry, but there's no way I can be sympathetic with this shopaholic. I could understand it if you fancied your ex and were torn apart by your feelings but nothings forcing you to act on them - just stop sleeping with him and decide what it is you want. If you want to feel guilty - think about the fact that 2 people in this are completely innocent and completely unaware and you are just treating them like dirt and taking them for a ride. If you want your ex then fine - break up with your dh, but don't let your dh carry on thinking you're a faithful wife while you go and shag behind his back!!!

If you're being totally honest - get things sorted for good and do it fast!!

If you're a troll - to be blunt, just piss off!!!

moominmama86 · 15/07/2004 01:43

God, this has really wound me up. I usually stay out of the 'moral dilemma' type threads because I think I rarely have anything valid to say and don't want to preach but....

Shopaholic, if this isn't a troll (and somehow I don't think it is) then I'm sorry if you think you have been flamed. But I'm at a loss to know quite what reaction you thought you'd get - especially in the light of your previous thread in which loads of us advised you not to go ahead with this. I hope you come to your senses soon.

tigermoth · 15/07/2004 12:03

You said you wanted to feel guilt so you can stop seeing this ex. Bt you just don't feel guilt. If you don't you don't. But don't forget you can stop for loads of other reasons apart from guilt.

your self esteem

the sheer practical inconvenience of conducting an affair with a man who lives 100 miles away

is he really all that interesting and wonderful out of bed?

you'll get little support from friends and family if your heart gets broken

You may sacrifice seeing your children whenever you want them if you and your dh divorce

You don't know what your ex is saying behind your back

there is no future in it - and don't you want a future to look forward to?

lemonice · 15/07/2004 13:14

Extract from a book

"There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humour and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those were there. It will never end, for madness carves out its own reality.

It goes on and on, and finally there are only others' recollections of your behaviour-your bizarre, frenetic, aimless behaviours-for mania has at least some grace in partially obliterating memories......Credit cards revoked, bounced cheques to cover, explanations due at work, apologies to make, intermittent memories(what did I do?)friendships gone or drained, a ruined marriage. .........Which of my feelings are real? Which of theme's is me? The wild impulsive, chaotic, energetic and crazy one? Or the shy, withdrawn, desperate, suicidal, doomed and tired one?"

It's very interesting to read written by a Professor of Psychiatry and tells the story of her fight with manic depression.

An Unquiet Mind A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison

emmatmg · 15/07/2004 14:17

A differnet side of the penny here but while I was still at work,a nd pre children (6 years ago now) I was good friends with a bloke there. It really was just friends BTW. Anyway he was an absolute slut and whould try and get into any of his female collegues knickers even though he was married.
I would tell him time and time again how wrong it was and how bady it would all turn out. His wife then became pregnant and he was still shagging around, with one quite nasty/dirty girl in particular.
I asked him what he would do if she( his wife) found out to which he proclaimed she never would. I told him he was digusting for doing this and it pretty much ended our friendship.

A few week ago he was at DS1's school collecting his neice and nephew and I asked him if he was still married. No he wasn't, she found out. All I could say to him was "I told you so". He was actually quite shocked that I was still married, to the same man, with 3 children, almost like it hadn't ever enter his mind that it's possible to achieve.

Shopoholic, if you're still around, this man is creatingthe ultimate betrayal to his wife and un born child IMO and you are part of it. Imagine for a moment that he you and he did end up together and you fall pregnant by him. Will you be able to put it out of you mind for a milli-second what he did to as wife when she was PG. I very much doubt it.

Please think about your children and his yet to be born child in all this.

fairyfly · 15/07/2004 14:30

All i can say is this thread has really upset me but at least i know now how the other woman felt. I constantly tried to work that one out, why she though she was more important than two chldren. It obviously made her feel fantastic, haven't really got a point to make i just feel a little angry and a bit sick that decisions like this are taken with such a blase attitude. Also what a W''ker he is, shallow man, good enough to sleep with and be close to to get her pregnant, now what is wrong?? Are her hormones making her a bit funny, poor poor man

Tessiebear · 15/07/2004 15:43

Shopaholic - i am not going to judge you but just think of this, how would you feel if one of the mumsnetters that you have turned to for support / help / advice etc on this site, turned out to be the pregnant wife of your lover??? Do you think that may give you the reality check that you may need??

beetroot · 17/07/2004 01:19

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