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Original poster

passionate affair with ex boyfriend

279 replies

shopaholic · 14/07/2004 16:37

I have just begun a passionate affair with my first ever boyfriend and have fallen head over heels in love. We are of course both married. I want to feel guilt so I can stop but don't. In completely celibate marriage and sex with ex is absolutely fantastic. I know I will end up with a broken heart but self preservation instincts have gone completely out of the window. Help me. He lives 100 miles away but this has not been a barrier so far.

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 18/07/2004 23:06

Message withdrawn

chrissey14 · 24/07/2004 15:59

HI SHOPAHLOIC

how u keeping?

Original poster
shopaholic · 26/07/2004 12:57

hi chrissey, i'm fine thanks. Things are still on with ex and we have, of course fallen totally 'in love'. I think about ending it all the time, feel guilty and tense etc. but it seems to have a momentum all of its own and the incredible highs are irresistible. We haven't seen each other for two weeks now due to holidays but are conducting an intense text/phone con affair.

OP posts:
Piffleoffagus · 26/07/2004 13:17

I also questioned your right to ruin his wifes life too, but after all she is his concern and if he did not care for her then it is not your place to I guess.
I was not going to condemn you as I do not know you, like others I know your affair has come from a deep unhappiness in your life, but I do urge you to sort out some other aspects of your life, somehow that that you can be healed inside and seek another life with another man perhaps and life happy and fulfilled. It is hard to resurrect happiness when your life is based on someone else pain.
Your attraction to thei man may come from his inability to remain faithful... Men like that offer only a stopgap, you are not ready for a full on love affair yet I do not reckon...
Repair yourself... quick time...
Take care xx

OldieMum · 26/07/2004 22:58

I'm sorry you are unhappy, shopaholic, but I still think you need to think about this child, whose life you are damaging before it's even started.

mummytosteven · 26/07/2004 23:02

shopaholic - is this really what you want? this is only a very temporary solution ; this guy is trying to escape responsibility - how long do you think it will be before he wants to move on to something new? do you think he loves you? do you really love him, or just the attention from him? how would you feel if he was "unfaithful" to you? you can be happy without a man in your life - true happiness comes from accepting yourself as you are, and being able to enjoy being in your own skin, rather than relying on male attention.

look after yourself.

Chandra · 26/07/2004 23:05

Well considering the exboyfriend has had several affairs already, I'm starting to think that if it was not Shopaholic it would be someone else, therefore it's Shopaholic who worries me more, hope you don't get too attached to this guy.

jampot · 26/07/2004 23:14

Shopaholic - a friend of mine knows a hypnotherapist who lives not far from your girls' school. She has had a few sessions with her and cannot believe what a differnece this has made to her in terms of feeling more empowered and happy with her situation and happy "being in her skin" (sorry if that sounds nutty). Is this something you've thought of to increase your sense of self-worth? I may be able to get the number if you're interested..but certainly worth thinking about generally

Original poster
shopaholic · 27/07/2004 17:31

Too late Chandra I'm afraid. I know he is an unfaithful rat but I have fallen passionately 'in love' and can't help myself. I realise that he will get bored and go onto the next conquest soon but I am hooked on the attention and the high of being in love again after spending so many years just feeling dead inside. TO be honest this affair is already making me unhappy it is so frustrating to be able to meet so infrequently and yet talk everyday. I am sometimes totally distraught.

OP posts:
Original poster
shopaholic · 27/07/2004 17:32

Thanks Jampot this sounds like a good idea. I feel desparate to try something.

OP posts:
bluestar · 27/07/2004 20:46

shopaholic, only just read your thread, and at the end of the day, when you feel like that about someone, no matter how wrong you know it to be, shit happens and you have to deal with those feelings in the best way you can. If you are prepared to accept the consequences of where this might lead, then I guess you are part way there. There are quite a few people that believe that the opportunity for a flirtation to full blown affair will never happen to them but one day it might. We are not perfect. I believe we are all capable of having an emotional affair/flirtation, it's whether we take the next step that lights the touch paper. I wish you well and hope you can work it out with some honesty to yourself.

jampot · 30/07/2004 23:44

how are things shopaholic?

chrissey14 · 02/08/2004 11:33

hi

Original poster
shopaholic · 02/08/2004 15:35

hi jampot and chrissey. How was your night out at the Orange Tree? I'm sorry I couldn't make it as I would love to meet you in person. As for my affair, things have turned out quite unexpectedly as I truly did not expect to be so 'in love' so quickly but perhaps this was inevitable given the quality of the physical and mentalintimacy. I don't feel good about the deception but it really is as though I have been brought back to life from a limbo state.

OP posts:
chrissey14 · 06/08/2004 22:12

HI SHOPAHOLIC
no worries would have been nice to meet u

u local 2 b,ham ?

i,m on members profile there

what,s been happening now?where do u go for here now and how much longer?

chrissey14 · 06/08/2004 22:14

nite out was good

1st time i had met the other ladies was a great nite out i had a great time

chrissey14 · 07/08/2004 20:35

tc chat soon

Original poster
shopaholic · 08/08/2004 14:35

Am feeling really depressed today as have little or no contact with him at w/e of course. We still meet up once a week only as we are 100 miles apart. He has confessed his love for me etc. and this makes me feel euphoric at the time and really sad later as I know that we will never be together permanently. He says if he won £20 million on lottery then he would be able to walk away from wife with clear conscience but I know he has no intention of doing so of course. In a way I wish I had listened to everyone's advice and not even met him again but I really did not expect to fall so passionately in love again and now it seems it is too late. Feel really desparate and need to chat to someone who will listen. Please can anyone speak to me?

OP posts:
bbensley · 08/08/2004 14:50

Hi shopaholic, you can talk to me. Can't promise to have any answers but I'm good at listening

rooster · 08/08/2004 14:51

why would him winning £20m make him leave his wife and come to you, if he loves you and dislikes her, it shouldn't matter about the money.

Even though, I haven't done anything like this, I do however understand how you might be feeling. I returned to my home town 3 years ago (the town i'd left at the age of 17 and left behind my first love) from the moment I got back, I would look out for him wherever I was, at traffic lights, in town etc.. I remembered just how wonderful he was all those years ago.

Then one day, I was collecting my dd from ballet and I heard a voice shout me, IT WAS HIM ! still gorgeous and my heart skipped a beat, his dd was in the same ballet class.

Every week from then on, I never went to ballet without make-up on, looking good., he was all I could think about, then I noticed his details on friends reunited and e-mailed him, he never replied, and I am glad he didn't (he has far more sense than me)

Me and dh are relatively happy, he annoys me occassionally like they all do, but I soon realised that I was living and feeling how I did when I was 17 - it would never have worked and I'm glad I didn't persue it.

Is there no chance whatsoever that your relationship can be rekindled with your husband ?, I'm sorry to say, but I feel this man is just using you and enjoying every minute.

I hope you are ok

bbensley · 08/08/2004 14:56

[email protected] is my temp email if you need it

GRMUM · 08/08/2004 15:06

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling depressed about all this. I was one of the ones who advocated staying away but you didn't and now I think you need to decide and do what is best for YOU.
I think you are right to feel that he won't leave even with the lottery win.He's treating his pregnant wife badly now, he'll probably do it again to her, or you or whoever he is with.
I am also a cynic about "love" being declared so quickly, you (and maybe him) are both in that fantastic heady passionate stage of a relationship but I personnally don't believe that is love.
What i feel that you should do is try to stop seeing him or if you can't do that at least keep in mind that this is a temporary relationship.If I remember correctly your own marriage is not happy so maybe you should start examining the possibility of separating from your husband and planning the 'start of the rest of your life' I really believe that you should close one chapter of your life, start another chapter on your own, and then look for the happy ending.You will feel so much better about yourself and that will give you so much more confidence to tackle what I am sure is not an easy road ahead of you. Even though I have never agreed with what you did I do understand what sent you there and wish you loads of luck in finding a better life for yourself.

Original poster
shopaholic · 08/08/2004 15:07

Thanks Rooster and bbensley. Yes I feel that what you say is true Rooster about him using me. But I am using him too as I instigated the whole thing. I doubt whether my relationship with DH can ever be rekindled as I realise that he simply cannot provide what I need. I think I may just be looking for the courage to leave him. I do love my ex though and feel very passionately towards him but wonder whether the affair is worth the agony and the ectasy.

OP posts:
Original poster
shopaholic · 08/08/2004 15:13

He is a lawyer and says that divorce is for the rich or poor and no one in between. He has great lifestyle etc which he is unwilling to give up. He says that he was going to divorce his wife in two years time before she got pregnant which was unexpected as they had been trying for many years without success and he has given up on the idea. I think its obvious hes very confused about everything.

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Original poster
shopaholic · 08/08/2004 15:15

Forgot to mention that he also has a lot of debts (he tells me) as he has not been sensible about money although earns around £350,000 a year. Its like he tries to jusify not divorcing his wife and I guess the baby on the way gives him the perfect excuse.

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