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Original poster

passionate affair with ex boyfriend

279 replies

shopaholic · 14/07/2004 16:37

I have just begun a passionate affair with my first ever boyfriend and have fallen head over heels in love. We are of course both married. I want to feel guilt so I can stop but don't. In completely celibate marriage and sex with ex is absolutely fantastic. I know I will end up with a broken heart but self preservation instincts have gone completely out of the window. Help me. He lives 100 miles away but this has not been a barrier so far.

OP posts:
MummyToSteven · 09/08/2004 00:36

£350,000 per year doesn't sound particularly suspicious for a middle-aged London barrister - and bear in mind that may be gross earnings - i.e. take out VAT, tax and chambers fees (which could be as much as another 10 to 15%). And remember - people always tend to think they are less well off than they are - if his peer group are other middle-aged London barristers, whose lifestyle is smilar, he is not necessarily going to realise how well off he is and how the other half lives.

Original poster
shopaholic · 09/08/2004 13:53

Thanks to everyone who has posted here in last day or so - esp Tammybear. You really are a star! What you say makes perfect sense. That's the problem - sense has nothing to do with passionate sexual love. If I end it now I lose the joy in life as well as the pain. I would like to say that talking to people on here really helps and I get a real sense of warm and friendship from it (though I'm not sure I deserve it),

OP posts:
Tessiebear · 09/08/2004 14:09

Shopaholic - i was in a similar situation to you before i met DH and had the kids (although i was with my ex-fiance at the time) I realised that the married lover in question was never going to leave his wife and decided that i should end it before we were found out and before anyone got hurt. It was very upseting at the time because i really loved him, but i was surprised how quickly the hurt went away and living withou the quilt was SUCH a relief. Now when i look back at the affair (lasted about 2 yrs) it is with fond bitter-sweet memories. So relieved he DIDNT leave his wife, so releived no-one got hurt and so releived that i learnt from it and moved on with my life. I realised i was not happy with ex-fiance and left him. I was using my lover as the answer to all that was missing in my life, but it wasnt until i finished with him that i realised i could put my life back together on my own and to find something with someone else that was honest and permanent. Woops didnt mean to go on this long!

Tessiebear · 09/08/2004 14:11

That should say "living without the guilt"(not the quilt!!_Lol

islandgirl · 09/08/2004 14:15

Have kept out of this, because ultimately what you do is your business, and I'm sure your heart is ruling your head at the moment. But I was was second best once, and it took me a long time to realise that I deserved better, and now I like myself, and regret that I let myself be treated like that. If you do not end this, how long are you going to feel happy being second best. What will you do on birthdays, Christmas, etc when you are desperate to see/talk to him and you can't. How are you going to feel when this baby is born? End it now, and you will get over the pain. And then think about your marriage, and if you can't repair it end it too. Try to be honest with yourself and your dh - does he not deserve that?
I really am sorry you have got into this muddle, and I really hope you can resolve it for all the people involved.

chrissey14 · 09/08/2004 15:02

hi sound very confuse

but you need to make a clean break either way and stand on your own two feet

but will take time, courage and some soul searching

tc

chrissey14 · 09/08/2004 15:03

i am local check my email addy ouit on the profiles i believe

jampot · 09/08/2004 15:07

£350k a year ? I'd shag him for that !!

tammybear · 09/08/2004 15:59

Shopaholic - you're right when you say that sense doesnt seem to come into it when you feel so in love. It's like nothing else matters. I felt like that with dp. But at the end of the day, you do matter. Your happiness matters, and I heard a saying that is "you cant always follow your dreams to be happy". You may want to be with him, feel you need to be with him, but you dont. xxx

SueW · 09/08/2004 22:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

Original poster
shopaholic · 12/08/2004 17:56

SueW- thanks for interesting point! Could you elaborate? Sounds as though you know what you are on about...... Think he just doesn't want to give up the whole lifestyle thing, smart house, cottage in country, boats, convertibles etc. Feel a little resentful about this as am struggling to get by on a pittance.

OP posts:
hercules · 12/08/2004 18:23

But shopoholic - his wife's about to have a baby. I expect he needs to support her rather than you...
Please give yourself more respect and sort your life out before taking part in ruining someone elses.
You arent sorting out your problems whilst having an affair with such a self centred person.

Original poster
shopaholic · 12/08/2004 18:25

I know, I know Hercules. You are right I suppose. I must sound like a selfish horrible bitch. It seems a rather bizarre way to feel, this whole affair is making me feel very strange and irrational.

OP posts:
chrissey14 · 12/08/2004 22:27

hi shopaholic

it does sounds like you need to get out of this relationship

but u do need a distraction and support network around u to help like meeting other mums etc

SueW · 12/08/2004 23:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

Original poster
shopaholic · 13/08/2004 14:43

Thanks SueW. That explains it very well and I am sure that it is probably still how the system works.

OP posts:
chrissey14 · 17/08/2004 22:09

hi shopaholic

how are you keeping ,with things?

Original poster
shopaholic · 18/08/2004 17:17

Ok thanks Chrissey. Am trying to cope with being totally in love with someone only see once a week. He feels the same about me and we now can't contemplate not seeing each other. bit of a hopeless mess really but who says life has to be simple.

OP posts:
woollyboots · 18/08/2004 18:58

I have just spent an afternoon with a girl and her 4 sons whose husband is having an affair. If you could see the utter devastation this is having on all their lives then you would walk away now. But if you are as selfish as you must be, you will decide that your hapiness is more important than anyone elses, no matter the misery your actions are inflicting on all concerned.

notthecod · 18/08/2004 19:01

Oh for god sake grow up you silly woman.

ebbie22 · 18/08/2004 19:13

I havent read the whole thread as not enough time in the day,But who are we to judge someone else life?
We all make mistakes and some are better to walk away and just deal with it then others...You cant help who you fall in love with,while I Do agree with that I also believe then when you get marriged you have to try and put your heart and sole into it...
You do have a responability to your husband when you said your vows to him...If life was supposed to easy then surly everyone would be laughing...
Life is hard at the best of times...Have you never been hurt so much that you cant bear to go on?

hercules · 18/08/2004 19:35

What do you want from this thread shopoholic? Quite simply he is a prime bastard, his wife and child will be the ones to suffer as well as your own dh and children just for your bit of fun. Sorry but affairs devestate people, even the guilty parties. You will end up dumped and hurt. I do think you owe it to your own family to be honest. At least your dh will have a chance to find love of his own then.

hercules · 18/08/2004 19:36

Ebbie - you can choose who you dont fall in love with ie not meeting up with them in the first place!

kalex · 18/08/2004 19:59

Sorry,

Although I don't agree with what Shopaholic is doing, she is not the one that keep resurrecting this thread. Other people keep asking how she is doing!

I don't approve and haven't posted on this since my initial post, but she is not, apart from the initial post, keeping it "alive" other MN's ask how she is doing.

skerriesmum · 18/08/2004 20:29

Having read most of this I find it hard to believe! Is it for real??

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