Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

passionate affair with ex boyfriend

279 replies

shopaholic · 14/07/2004 16:37

I have just begun a passionate affair with my first ever boyfriend and have fallen head over heels in love. We are of course both married. I want to feel guilt so I can stop but don't. In completely celibate marriage and sex with ex is absolutely fantastic. I know I will end up with a broken heart but self preservation instincts have gone completely out of the window. Help me. He lives 100 miles away but this has not been a barrier so far.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 17/07/2004 01:26

Shopaholic I agreee with beety and have to say some of the posts here have been incredibly judgemental. Some of them have lacked any understanding whatsoever.

It is up to the man to sort his relationship out and you are not in charge of the way he treats his wife.

I hope that you are ok and whilst enjoying yourself are making sure that you are alright as well.

Even if you are worried about posting again I hope that you do as some people here will be supportive no matter what. Sometimes it is good to chat these things through and sort your head out rather than being condemned for behaviour which others may not approve of.

Pes · 17/07/2004 18:02

shopaholic, agree totally with what beetroot said. If you do need help, please do seek it out

Twinkie · 17/07/2004 18:04

I agree with Beety too - she is asking for help here and everyone seems to be shooting her down!!

Thomcat · 17/07/2004 18:17

How strange to post something like that and not come back.
Are you still there shopaholic?
Do you love your husband at all? If not and you have fallen head over heels in love with another man, and he you, what's stopping you setting up a home with him? What do you need help with?
Pplease come back and talk.

beetroot · 17/07/2004 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cat82 · 17/07/2004 18:25

I have to say i agree with pes, beetroot and others. We've all done things we're not proud of and would rather forget.
Shopoholic, please do be careful though, get help if you need it.
I would advise for you to sever all ties with this man, but somehow i doubt that is ever going to happen.
I sincerly hope you find the happieness you're so obviously looking for.

Thomcat · 17/07/2004 18:28

Well don't be frightened if you are Shopaholic. People are bound to have strong feelings about the topic, esp given the some of your particular facts, however there are people who will still want to help / be there for you.

noddy5 · 17/07/2004 18:34

God I feel a bit bad about my rant now but a friend in a similar position to the wife never recovered from the betrayal when her dh had an affair while she was pregnant and her dd is now 11!So the effects are long lasting.BTW her ex is no longer with the girl in question as it only lasted 3 months-surprise Whatever you decide be careful

lemonice · 17/07/2004 18:37

I got the impression from your previous postings Shopaholic that you had been feeling depressed, low self esteem etc. and in that situation feeling nostalgic for the past hence visiting FR. I've done the same thing my self (pre FR was more difficult) more ringing one or two people up out of the blue. I am quite sincere in wondering whether you've pinged from being depressed to being completely the opposite - a mood swing with kbobs on, which can be quite scary and make you feel how you seem to from your thread here. So regardless of the status of your boyfriend you might want some help.

gettingthere · 18/07/2004 01:59

Whoa! what's happened here? whatever the rights and wrongs, shopaholic seems to me to be very unhappy, and (i think this is the first time i have criticised any posts on mumsnet) i don't see how some of the very judgmental comments are going to help her. My ex-husband, by the way had a number of affairs during before and after 2 pregnancies - and those are the ones i know about. Shopaholic, i think i understand from your previous thread how you got here, but i am worried for you that when you come down you will feel very sad indeed (i'm not going to mention impact on other spouses etc because you know that). I wonder if it would be possible to take a really deep breath, then in your mind wrap up your memories of your ex-boyfriend, in order to move forward with the things which are really hurting you in your marriage, and resolve those. To make those steps you will need to stop seeing him. If you can do that, then whether you stay married or not, you will retain your self esteem, and your ex will be able to support his partner and child. Good luck and keep posting

curlysue · 18/07/2004 16:32

I'm sorry that you've all given shopaholic such a hard time. I didn' think you were like that on here.

I try not to be too judgemental about anything - partly because I've been on both sides of this. I was living with someone when I met a married man at work, We had an affair and both left our partners and got together for 5 years. I had 2 dds with him, thought he was the love of my life so it was all justified etc etc. Then when I was pg with dd2 found out he was having an affair with a woman at work.

I vowed then NEVER to have an affair with a married person again, not even to flirt with anyone. It is wrong. But I never really blamed the woman he had an affair with. I blamed myself for being stupid enough to think I was different and him for being so weak.

I know how hard lust is to ignore. I know how devastating it is to find out your dp is having an affair when you're pg. But shit happens!!

I just don't want to ever be the cause of the shit again.

Good luck shopaholic because you're gonna need it!

Original poster
shopaholic · 18/07/2004 19:37

Thanks to those who have most recently posted with messages of support. I was slightly taken aback by the level of vitriol in some of the messages before but I can understand them. I am madly 'in love' with my ex but am realistic enough to know that it will end in tears (mine). He has already had several one night stands since being married (8 years ago) and three years ago had a 3 year affair with a single woman. He wife found a voicemail from her and threw him out. He lived with his girlfriend for a month then pleaded with wife to take him back and she did. He has already told me he was contemplating another affair. He does not really 'believe' in the marriage vows and is a seriel philanderer. I am just passionate about him and am completely in lust but sad at the same time because I know my heart will be broken and thats obviously what I deserve for being such a horrible bitch. I have never even kissed another man before since I have been married.

OP posts:
littlemissbossy · 18/07/2004 19:46

Shopaholic, I haven't previously posted on this thread and was shocked at some of the comments made on here because I too didn't realise how judgemental people can be. It's very easy for people to jump up and down and judge you, but they're not in your shoes. TBH I don't agree with what you are doing, but it's new and exciting so I sort of understand IYSWIM. Surely, the one thing that this shows you is the problems with your relationship with your dh ... is there no hope in improving the relationship you have with him? Your ex may be exciting, but TBH he's not a nice person is he? Is it too late to back out now? Take care of yourself and post on here if you need a chat with us all. lmbx

Jaxmum · 18/07/2004 19:48

I wonder what the biological reason for women being attracted to 'bastards'?

carla · 18/07/2004 19:51

Well said, LMB. You reflected my feelings entirely. shopaholic would not have posted here if she didn't want help. Wish all the best to you, SAH. Hope you don't feel disheartened by the previous postings. Hope you manage to sort something out. XXX

carla · 18/07/2004 19:52

PS, Jaxsmum, I could write a book on that....

beetroot · 18/07/2004 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Samcj · 18/07/2004 20:16

Hi there again. I posted quite early on but was too shocked at the strength of some of the posts on here. I still stand by what I say and hope that it was taken by you in the way that is was meant, to offer advice to help you try and deal with the difficult situation you face in the best possible way. He sounds like an a*se hole, one who I believe the only way he can start to appreciate what he has in life is to be left totally alone. By you especially. Good luck.

mummytosteven · 18/07/2004 20:27

hi shopaholic. glad to see you posting again - that took real guts. I hope you didn't find my comment vitriolic. I certainly didn't intend it to be. I am concerned at how low you seem to be feeling - it's bad if anyone calls themselves a "horrible bitch". Did you feel like that before you started the relationship with ex or do you feel like that because of the affair. I think you realise that the relationship with the ex is not the answer to what is going wrong in your marriage. only you can tell whether your marriage if fixable or not. there are other ways of getting what you want (love and affection) which won't make you feel so bad about yourself. Take care.

bbensley · 18/07/2004 20:34

Been thinking about you shopaholic, hope you are ok.

Feel free to email me

Take care

jampot · 18/07/2004 21:30

Shopaholic - I don't know what you're going through at the moment because I've never even been in hte position to embark on an affair. However, I too am not happy in my marriage (especially atm) so can almost see where you're coming from about needing to feel special etc. You only have to look at the dummy thread to see that this forum (and I am sure all the others) are a simply a spouting ground for all kinds of opinions - and that is just what they are - opinions. I do think ypu need to take stock of your dh and family life right now without an added extra to consider. Please tread very carefully and do take care..

posyhairdresser · 18/07/2004 21:58

Shopaholic you seem as though you have a lot to lose potentially here...

Maybe you could get some counselling to help you through?

emmatmg · 18/07/2004 22:03

I, too am glad you are back Shopaholic and if my little contribution earlier in this thread upset you at all I'm sorry.

After reading your last post I kind of see this from a whole different angle. I still believe the children need to be thought of first in the whole thing but I now see you as much of a 'victim' in all this as the woman who has the mis-fortune of being married to this man. By the sound of it he has no intention of making you and him a permanant and monogomas(sp?) thing and is just using you for his latest conquest. I can't believe that makes you feel good in your self. Please take care of your self.

I hope you come out of the other side of this without a broken heart, he REALLY isn't worth it. Not a single tear, not for a moment.

moominmama86 · 18/07/2004 22:39

Shopaholic, I was one of the people who did jump down your throat and for that I'm going to apologise. I'm afraid you really touched a nerve but that's probably no excuse for being quite so vitriolic. So, apologies, if you'll have them.

I believe I did sympathise with you on your other thread as of course I know what it's like to be completely blown away by desire for someone. But this guy is clearly a complete (fill in the blank) and with respect I'd be quite happy to bet that you are simply another notch on his bedpost. If this goes any further it's going to end in tears and they won't be his. Please, please try to extricate yourself from this situation asap and get some help or make a decision regarding your marriage. This affair is not the answer. Good luck and keep posting.

oxocube · 18/07/2004 23:01

Shopaholic, I think I was one of the first people to respond to your thread about meeting up with an old flame. At the time, my advice was to stay clear as it would end in tears. That thread was really strange as it went from everyone saying 'don't meet up for lunch as its a recipe for disaster' to the end of the thread where I seem to remember a lot of Mumsnetters saying 'its only lunch for God's sake'. But wasn't it so completely obvious what was going to happen??? Or am I the only one who thinks like this?

Swipe left for the next trending thread