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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

passionate affair with ex boyfriend

279 replies

shopaholic · 14/07/2004 16:37

I have just begun a passionate affair with my first ever boyfriend and have fallen head over heels in love. We are of course both married. I want to feel guilt so I can stop but don't. In completely celibate marriage and sex with ex is absolutely fantastic. I know I will end up with a broken heart but self preservation instincts have gone completely out of the window. Help me. He lives 100 miles away but this has not been a barrier so far.

OP posts:
fabarooney · 20/08/2004 19:07

OK, Shopaholic, am fully prepared to bring down the wrath of some of the mumsnetters who have posted on here but this is for you. When I met my dh I was engaged to, and living with, another man. I was very unhappy and wanted out but was too afraid - managing my own despair was easier than trying to change the status quo. I had no love for my fiance, he had killed that with his drinking and emotional abuse, but felt that as I had made a commitment to him, I needed to see it through.

Then I met my dh. He was kind, caring and listened to me. I was instantly attracted to him and pretty much threw myself at him because it was so wonderful to get the affection and mental stimulation that I lacked with my fiance. My dh is a pretty honorable chap and so (kindly) rejected my not-so-subtle advances because, as he told me at the time, he liked me and respected me too much to be an easy-out for a relationship that wasn't working.

I have never felt so torn in my life. I was in utter despair. I felt bound to one man but was head over heels in love with another. In the end, I decided that I couldn't go on like that. I was utterly miserable and would have made my fiance a terrible wife. I decided to leave. It was horrible. My fiance was a pretty nasty bloke towards the end, but I'll never forget the look on his face when I told him that I didn't love him anymore. It was a tough time, trying to explain to people what went wrong. People reacted in every way imaginable. Some were supportive, some people never talked to me again.

It took a while, but things began to get better. Eventually, dh, who had been a wonderful friend through all of this, believed that my feelings towards him were real and we tentatively decided to try seeing one another. It's a few years and two kids down the line now!

I guess the whole point of this ramble is to let you know that there are other people out there who won't judge because they know what it is like to feel torn between duty and love. In my case, it worked out because my dh wanted to be my friend and so even before we became a couple, I knew that he was the sort of man who would always put another person's needs before his own desires. If the man you love can do this, you may be able to get through this together. It won't be easy and it will be painful, but I'm guessing that the situation is already like that for you. There are people here that want to make sure that you are OK and don't care to judge. I think that the people who do judge must be very lucky indeed to have come through life in such a straightforward way as to have never felt torn like this. Take care of yourself, shopaholic.

hercules · 20/08/2004 19:12

Interesting how you've assumed that because someone thinks having an affair when both have kids is wrong that that person's life must be straightforward. Maybe they just think it is wrong and unfair on the innocent people. This doesnt apply to your situation btw Fabarooney.

lou33 · 20/08/2004 19:18

Great post Faberooney. Took me back to when I met dh. I was engaged to a.n.other too.

spacemonkey · 20/08/2004 19:21

no hercules, I don't think anyone suggested that at all. It seems to me that those of you who are being condemnatory can never have found yourselves in a similar situation, because, if you had, you would realise that when you are inside a situation like shopaholic's, nothing is black and white, you would realise that the situation is complex and that where strong, passionate feelings are involved, rational thought takes a back seat - and I think that is what fabarooney was getting at.

ripley · 20/08/2004 19:33

I think that those of us who have been condemning have perhaps been on the other end of the stick. I have in a different way and that is one of the reasons I feel so strongly about it because I felt so much pain for such a long time.

fabarooney · 20/08/2004 19:46

Thanks lou and spacemonkey. Hercules, I am not saying that at all. What I'm saying is that I empathise with shopaholic because I understand exactly where she is coming from and so I choose not to judge her. I don't think that anyone who has been as torn as this would. However, I also accept that others may feel very strongly about this because they have been on the other end and have different perspectives. I just don't agree with those who take the moral high ground with no understanding of either position.

hercules · 20/08/2004 19:47

Yes, I have seen the destruction it causes. My dm had an affair wit my father whilst having two kids and he had 3. They got togeter to have me and my db. That was 32 years ago and the fallout is still happening! My db and ds went trough a lot of trauma for a long time and my db still suffers today and has real problems with trust.
My mother feels very guilty and though my sister and i tell her he is an adult now etc etc that foesnt make her feel better. It took my sister years also to trust someone else.

They had a shit childhood which although not stress free would have been a thousand times better had both parties left their partners and not had the deceit which caused so much hatred.
The only reason my father left his first wife was my mother had a child by him although he only left when his wife saw sense and kicked him out.

I can quite easily condemn it because i am well aware of what happens not because i have no idea and see things in black and white. This is differenmt to comdemning the person. I certainly dont condemn my mother! Affairs are wrong! If marriage is that bad get out of it.

hercules · 20/08/2004 19:48

So fab i am well aware of both sides but still think it's wrong because i am aware iyswim.

fabarooney · 20/08/2004 20:04

Hercules, I do see what you mean and completely understand why you feel the way you do. You have an opinion created by your experience, and I have one created by mine. We can both offer insight or support to shopaholic based on real life. I just get annoyed when I hear people moralising who obviously have no appreciation of either position. I don't think this is helpful.

hercules · 20/08/2004 20:06

my point was you dont know if they have no experience.

fabarooney · 20/08/2004 20:39

Then I think shopaholic might get more out of people sharing their experiences and explaining why they feel the way they do, rather than being so condemnatory.

Affairs hurt people. Affairs can have disastrous consequences for many more than the two people involved. Some affairs lead to lasting relationships. Some affairs do not. Having an affair does not mean you are a bad person.

(Hercules, perhaps we should just agree that we don't look at this situation the same way. BTW, have found your posts really interesting.)

I think that instead of spending so much time talking about the rights and wrongs of an affair, given that shopaholic is already having one, perhaps we should be talking about where she should go from here. Surely this would be more productive?

OK, shopaholic, options as I see them
[1] end affair, continue with status quo in marriage.
[2] end marriage and end affair.
[3] continue with status quo in marriage, continue affair in secret
[4] inform husband of affair, go forward with an "open" marriage.
[5] end affair, seek to improve marriage.

You have choices, even if it doesn't feel that way.

Piffleoffagus · 20/08/2004 20:42

FWIW I will hesitate to judge you harshly because I prefer not to assume anything based on what I would read here...
Shopaholic, what I do not understand is why you are placing yourself in a position to be unbelievably hurt, you know it is inevitable, you must go through torture every day, thinking about him and wondering whether he is tending his wife (I'm sure he says he isn't) and loving her.
this is going to explode and you are not going to be able to hide it when it does, your DH cannot be that stupid not to sense your distress when it does.
If your marriage is as dead as you say, but both of you prefer to stay together as a family, amicably without jealousy, then you could do that, each being free to love others, so long as it remained outside the home...
Do you think your husband could accept this?
Just a thought, I'm probably way off...
A long tme ago I was involved with a married man..I know exactly how sould exhausting it is.. And ultimately how damaging to everyone involved.

hercules · 20/08/2004 21:06

I agree Fab I dont suppose a lot of the posts are particularily useful to sah and saying nothing that she isnt already aware of already.

Perhaps the problem is the persons situation tends to be forgotten about and the topic (in this case affairs) gets discussed as an issue rather then remembering it is the person we should be discussing it with. Does that make sense?

sobernow · 20/08/2004 21:21

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sobernow · 20/08/2004 21:27

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chrissey14 · 20/08/2004 21:59

hi shopaholic

looks like you need to make a choice of some sort

did u get in touch with jampot ok

tc

jampot · 21/08/2004 12:15

Shopaholic - if it sets your mind at rest I don;t know anyone with 2 girls at St Martins!!

sobernow · 21/08/2004 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chrissey14 · 21/08/2004 13:15

hi i think shopaholic

was concerned people may already know of her in public that,s all

jampot · 21/08/2004 13:35

sobernow - she's already said where they go - but you did scare the life out of me as I wondered if I'd just assumed.. need to be more careful

sobernow · 22/08/2004 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shopaholic · 24/08/2004 18:43

Big, big thank yous to everyone who has posted on this thread. It is good to know there are such understanding people out there - some of whom have been in similar situations. It does help me enormously to be able to talk on MN as it helps understand my feelings and I do hope that this discussion may perhaps help other MNs who find themselves in a similar position in the future (it can happen to anyone, believe me). I don't know what the future holds but I now realise that life is infinately more complicated than I had imagined and I must learn to cope with that somehow.

OP posts:
jasper · 24/08/2004 20:23

shopaholic, I hope you are doing okay.

I have been in your situation.

My biggest fear for you is that you and your lover get together and after a while the passion fades! If you are both stuck in unhappy situations it is not necessarily a bad thing (IMO) for you to leave your partners to be together but I do think there is a strong possibility that once real life takes over you may be back to square one, ie in a humdrum relationship but with a trail of devestation behind you. Only you and your lover know if you really and truly have a strong future together and would be forever miserable apart.

For my part I am VERY thankful I did not follow my heart (it was a long time ago)

chrissey14 · 31/08/2004 20:48

hi shopaholic

thanks for having the courage to share your experience with us all

tc

chrissey14 · 23/09/2004 22:12

hi there

what happened in the end ?

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