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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is loving and caring, right?

231 replies

nataliehere · 30/07/2017 14:28

Hello . I am not sure why i make such a fuss out of something like that. DP of 3 years keeps saying to me that when we live together he wants me to be always near him (we live couple of hours apart now) , wherever he goes he wants me to be there and if he could take me to work(he cant) he would take me there too. This is a sweet and loving thing right? Somehow it gives me negative feelings but i think i am overreacting?

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 01/08/2017 11:41

Change you phone sim
Change all your passwords on social media - just incase

Flimp · 01/08/2017 11:58

Wow, massive well done to you for taking the first step. Flowers

It won't be easy, but you can do this. Imagine what it will be like to be able to sleep when YOU need it. Such a massive weight will be off your shoulders when you don't have to walk in eggshells to manage his mood.

As others have said, please do check for tracking devices.

Good luck Natalie

DancingLedge · 01/08/2017 14:37

Well done Natalie.
This is hard, but things will get easier, I promise.
It's natural to feel sad.Don't forget to feel angry at how he's treated you. You deserve so much better.
We're with you, any time you want to let off steam, have a handhold, or get practical advice.
FlowersCakeBrew

MrsMozart · 01/08/2017 16:31

Very well done on first step lass.

HungerOfThePine · 01/08/2017 16:34

Run like lighting, I couldn't handle that level of surveillance and control of my day to day movements. If I detect a hint of control or neediness I shut it down immediately but unfortunately that's from having had the experience, waiting outside my work, showing up whenever he pleased, eyeballing any man within the vicinity that I might dare talk to, tracking my every move then going through my phone, emails and keylogging our laptop, it didnt end there but it is suffocating op you have no control or spontaneity in your life with people like that.

Please distance and dump this guy you will be better for it no doubt about that.

SweetLuck · 01/08/2017 16:38

He sounds crazy!

Goldmandra · 01/08/2017 17:17

Well done for recognising what he is doing and taking the first step.

This will escalate his behaviour. If you can turn to friends and family for support, now is the time to do it. Do it even if you have cut yourself off from them and feel bad for that.

He will either get angry or act really hurt and confused. He might suggest that there is something wrong with you and you're imagining what he's doing. If he finds out you are getting support on here, he will tell you that we are controlling you.

He may threaten to kill himself. He may threaten you. If he does that or turns up at your home, call the police. Men like this can be dangerous and that danger peaks if the other person ends the relationship. Don't let him into your home. Don't meet him anywhere alone.

You have taken the first step towards ending the relationship. Now you need to tell him that it is over but you need to get some support, preferably from a friend or family member and women's aid.

If you need to involve the police, they have specially trained officers to help you.

Please make sure someone knows the situation and where you are so they can support you.

Viewofhedges · 01/08/2017 20:04

Your future self is whooping with joy that you have been smart and brace enough to post this and to see what is happening.

Your future self isn't having to live like this - in fear.

Your future self has every chance of having a relationship where she is treated with mutual respect and where having time and space to yourself is seen as normal.

Please tell someone who can support you in real life and then leave this man, so that you can be your future self. We are all behind you - think of us and never feel lonely!

KarmaNoMore · 01/08/2017 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nataliehere · 02/08/2017 00:56

Hello all. thank you again so much for the replies and the advice Flowers
Today i turned my phone on . There were 34 missed calls on whats App , all made within one hour .And many messages from last night and today
First he wonders what happened and where did i go. A little later he gets upset, saying that if i dont pick up my phone in the next 5 minutes he will turn off his and he wont talk to me until tomorrow(today)
He didnt turn his phone off because the messages continue. He is writing that i am ungrateful and he is "tired of me picking fights with him over the dumbest shit". He "planned his day for me and as always i ruined it". I should be grateful and show some respect because he does everything for me and i do nothing .
Later are messages telling me to get the fuck out of his life and he is promising that no one will ever be as good as him
Next lot of messages he is writing that he loves me and he is just worried for me and he is sorry he got upset and if i can please call him and tell him that i am ok
As soon as i turned my phone on he called me , probably got notifications that i received them? I did not answer but i messaged that i am tired of not being good enough no matter how much i am trying. I wished him good luck and i hope he can find the happiness that he needs. Not really what i should write , i should tell him how messed up he is but it seemed good at the time. Then turned the phone off again. I also turned the location thing off and i will have to get another sim or another phone . It seem so creepy that he can track me if he wants through this and i wouldn't put it past him.
I feel absolutely nothing today. As if every feeling has shut down. I am worried if i will become emotional again or if start thinking that somehow its my fault. Many times in the past i ended up thinking that it was all my fault and i shouldn't let that happen this time.
I dont have relatives here , and the few friends that live near me i dont really want to get this drama into their lives.
Again thank you all

OP posts:
MommaGee · 02/08/2017 01:12

We are here to remind you OP that he-s not what you need or deserve and you are sreong and doing brilliantly x

Trickycat · 02/08/2017 01:18

Well done OP. He sounds dreadful, unstable and manipulative.

However do not expect him to give up easily. Keep your door locked. I hope he does not have keys? I really think you should stay somewhere for a few days at least. Your friends will want to help. Phone the police if he harasses you or turns nasty. I don't mean to sound dramatic but be aware that he may be persistent.

Flowers
SweetLuck · 02/08/2017 01:31

You're well rid!

iogo · 02/08/2017 02:24

Well done OP. Stay strong and don't be afraid to get help from friends if you need it. Echoing Trickycat. Flowers

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 02/08/2017 02:33

Oh very well done OP. Flowers

SabineUndine · 02/08/2017 02:42

Well done you. And congratulations on your escape.

HelenaDove · 02/08/2017 02:56

This bloke is fucking unhinged Yes to controlling and abusive.

OP During World War 2 the Gestapo used to use sleep deprivation as an instrument of torture.

Bin. LTB.

supersop60 · 02/08/2017 03:03

It is not your fault.

HelenaDove · 02/08/2017 03:04

Sorry I posted before seeing your updates. Phone the police if he threatens or harasses you. Hope you are ok Thanks

blueRinser2002 · 02/08/2017 03:12

Well done you ! I know how hard it is. I felt like a big weight had been lifted but wasn't prepared ,a short time after I felt weird because the control was missing which made me feel vulnerable when he came round all nice . But keep strong . I found out he had been recording me on a hidden I pad with a dictaphone ap on it which ran for 24 hours at a time while he was out at work . That was the final straw but my story is very much like yours . I think he found it on here. One day at the crucial time MN were giving me support I came bavk to this forum and had been taken off it completely . I think he had contacted them and it was my life line .
Coercive control is a crime now so you are within your rights to report him on what he's already done .
Take care ,Flowers

supersop60 · 02/08/2017 03:17

blue rinser I think I remember your story. Didn't you find out by coming across some saved files, which all seemed to be the sound of you going about your daily business? And he'd been doing it for 2 years?
Or was that yet another person?
Anyway - you are best placed to advise OP. Well done!

NurseButtercup · 02/08/2017 03:42

Well done for getting this far. Does he mainly communicate with you through WhatsApp? You can block him now so you don't receive anymore messages and phone calls. Don't delete the messages you may need them to show the police. You can archive them in WhatsApp so you don't have to read them. He will turn up at your home soon, does he have a key? I suggest you change the locks.

My ex used to turn up at my house and block my car on my drive so I had "no choice" but to talk to him. My neighbours son used to chase him away when he started doing this. So then he would park his car around the corner and knock at my door and shout through the letter box. He would shout that he loves me, then he would get angry, then he would blame me for making him angry then he would be sorry and then he would start crying. It was emotionally draining to go through. If I didn't have anybody to talk to in real life to reassure me that this wasn't normal. I suspect I would have given in for a quiet life and taken him back.

Please re-read the advice that Goldmandra has given you and try to reach out to your friends. This is very difficult to go through by yourself. Women's aid will offer support. And when his behaviour escalates and he turns nasty, please call the police, they will help you.
Sending you a big hug.

superchocolatedigestive · 02/08/2017 03:52

Your gut is trying to tell you something. Listen to it.

blueRinser2002 · 02/08/2017 04:09

Hi super, yes that was me ...it is chilling when I think back . But all very much like the OP is going through . It drove me to a breakdown eventually but that's because I kept going back.

HappenedForAReisling · 02/08/2017 04:14

Well done for taking that huge first step.

Stay strong, your future happiness (and possibly safety) depends on it Flowers

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