Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not my Hen weekend- but so pissed off

315 replies

FastAbsorbingCake · 30/07/2017 11:17

Long…

As above was away on a hen weekend for someone I thought was a very good friend.

We've been friends for over 20 years and I've been her someone to call at 3am person and I thought she was mine.

The weekend was self catering which I was told by the Maid of Honour (a whole other story) that I was sorting out the food for 20 ish people.

Which I did happily, I spent the whole weekend running after sorting cooking cleaning up etc. And did it all on a very tight budget.

Just before we left the location I said ok I'm having a swim, and then packing and would someone mind clearing up after the breakfast?
Bearing in mind there was 20 of them…

Now I had cooked and sorted for 20 people for 6 meals with no help. I did ask for help and some of them wafted in and out doing nothing of substance.

So wedding has been & done and 'friend' asked to meet up. So we go for a meal and I'm told how horrible I was by leaving them to clean up on the last morning.

How awful I was by not joining in games etc. I did point I was either clearing up or cooking.
I did try to join In but MOH was very obvious in excluding me.

But no and apparently the MOH was very upset & stressed by my behaviour…

So we're in the main course of the meal, she was talking at me for an hour and I say you know what, I worked my arse off for weeks before the weekend, I was first up last to bed on the weekend.

You behaved appallingly to me on said weekend, as did your 'friends'. I assumed when you invited me for this meal it was to apologise, clearly not, so fuck off. And left. We've not spoken since. (I.e. A few months)
Well I did get an enraged text about leaving her with the bill- I'd had pasta & and sparkling water and left a £20…
Ok vent over.

The thing is I've woken up this am (am away with OH so was a late nightGrin ) to see she's called 3 times over night.

My instinct is to call, OH has said don't you dare. I hate to admit it but he's right isn't he…

But what's if she's in real trouble?

OP posts:
MaybeDoctor · 31/07/2017 14:33

In recent years I have found it helpful to look at the balance of people's actions. Excessive helping, commitment or volunteering isn't necessarily a good thing. Either someone is not paying enough attention to their own family (not you, but frequently the case in threads about DHs who devote excessive time to public activities), or they leave others with no role to fill.

Catering for 20 people does seem a bit OTT and lacking that balance - do you think that any others who were there resented being forced into a passive role?

Hudson10 · 31/07/2017 14:36

I'm sorry I don't buy this bad feeling with MOH, martyr, pa nonsense.It's rather ironic that some posters are taking pa kicks at the OP while accusing her of it.

All I'm saying is that we only ever get one side of the story on here, and of course I don't know what the OP is like in RL as I don't know her.
She could be perfectly nice and just duped into it somehow.
Unless you've come across a martyr type person yourself, you won't see the other side though as it seems just a strange thing to do.
They do exist though!
"No, no, I don't need any help, I'll do it. You go sit back down."
etc.
To an outsider who wasn't at the party/gathering who's asking how it all went -
"Oh, I had to do all the clearing up myself as nobody bothered to help."
(Blatant lie which must only be designed to paint the other as being crap or not bothered when they were.) As I said, I don't get the reasoning behind it but I do know such people do exist.
Would like to hear the other side of the story too as sounds like there could be one

NinonDeLenclos · 31/07/2017 14:43

I'd say the volunteers I've worked with over the years have done a grand job. I'm not going to psychoanalyse their family circumstances because I really don't care. Many people do volunteer work because they don't need to work full time, some to pursue an interest not covered at work.

No-one in France, Spain or Italy would question why someone would want to cater for 20 people. Big parties, big family get togethers - totally normal.

I'd politely suggest that only on a forum that contains a significant % of people who self-identify as 'introvert' or 'socially anxious' would that be implied to be 'lacking in balance'.

PinkMagpie · 31/07/2017 14:48

OP, how was MOH excluding you from the games?

Did people really complain that £30 a head for a weekend's food and booze was too expensive?

Hudson10 · 31/07/2017 14:51

I'd say the volunteers I've worked with over the years have done a grand job.

Yeah, WORKED with being the operative word. Would they have accepted an invite to a party as a guest but told they had to cater for all the other guests too whilst they were there?
It's just such a weird thing to say to a guest. It's hired help it sounds like they're wanting.

Pinky333777 · 31/07/2017 14:52

She was your friend for 20 years?
I know she f*cked up, but I'd call her.
I think after that long a friendship if my friend was a so and so to me as a one off, I'd forgive them x

Chillyegg · 31/07/2017 14:54

I can't believe out if 30 people someone else didn't help pay or clean up and cook a meal I'd be bloody mortified!

NinonDeLenclos · 31/07/2017 14:55

All I'm saying is that we only ever get one side of the story on here, and of course I don't know what the OP is like in RL as I don't know her.

She could be perfectly nice and just duped into it somehow.

I have agree to with the PP.

Doesn't sound like OP was 'duped' into it, she just agreed to do the catering and then perhaps people didn't bother to clear up after the meal so she did that too. I can understand how it happened. Sometimes one does nice things and wonders why one bothered afterwards.

I really don't think the story merits the amount of painfully mediocre armchair psychologising and snippy digs, most of which are completely off the point.

My mother's a burning matyr so I know exactly what they're like - I don't get that at all from OP. Nor do I particularly want to hear the bride's side of the story, she sounds like a nutcase.

NinonDeLenclos · 31/07/2017 14:58

Would they have accepted an invite to a party as a guest but told they had to cater for all the other guests too whilst they were there?

If you're a bridesmaid/MOH/best man etc at a wedding you're not just there to have a good time - you graft.

I guess the OP agreed to the role for the hen weekend and just got on with it. Don't think she'd do it again though.

Spadequeen · 31/07/2017 14:58

I'd call. But like you I'm nosey. I would probably then tell her that I'm not helpingcos I don't want to.

Hudson10 · 31/07/2017 15:04

If you're a bridesmaid/MOH/best man etc at a wedding you're not just there to have a good time - you graft

Yeah, exactly, you all chip in. You don't tell one guest that they're catering for 20 of them.

Angelf1sh · 31/07/2017 15:11

I'd just send a short text saying that you'd seen the missed calls and what's up? If she'd been intending to apologise then she'll call you back. If she's butt-dialed you or intended to have an alcohol-induced rant at you then she probably won't. Either way I wouldn't call her as why should you pay for the call?!! If you've been friends for 20yrs then personally I'd rather give her one more chance before completely binning her off, especially if it's possible that she didn't know the MoH had told you to do all of the cooking.

NinonDeLenclos · 31/07/2017 15:11

Depends - you may have one best man and one bridesmaid - they're grafting at their roles for the whole wedding.

At the hen party sounds perhaps OP was doing the catering and MOH was organising the games - I dunno.

I understand that for whatever reason you simply cannot get your head round catering for 20 people - but it's really not that hard.

shoeaddict83 · 31/07/2017 15:12

they all sound like Dicks, they walked all over you that weekend and the bride has a bloody cheek to then have a go at you about it. £30 each was too much? Fuck me i spend more on 1 girls lunch with cocktails than that entire hen weekends worth!!
totally agree with DH that you should NOT engage with her - however im a nosey bitch and would not be able to resist finding out what she wanted, if only so i could turn around and tell her exactly where to shove it after!! Grin but thats just me!
Now shamelessely placemarking for on future updates, and fetching popcorn! Grin

Roussette · 31/07/2017 15:16

I can't believe out if 30 people someone else didn't help pay or clean up and cook a meal I'd be bloody mortified!

^^ This.

I could not just sit there necking wine whilst one person was run ragged cooking and preparing multiple courses for a whole weekend. And not one of my friends would be like that either. I can't believe that 20 people are all like this.

Hissy · 31/07/2017 15:21

You will hear the gossip eventually... leave her to stew.

perhaps her over entitled ARSE dialled you by accident?

Lweji · 31/07/2017 15:21

It's probably easier to escape kitchen duty when in a large group than in a small one.
If 29 are doing fuck all, why will you go and join the lonely one?

NoPressureNoDiamonds · 31/07/2017 17:53

God I hate weddings.

reetgood · 31/07/2017 18:06

I have to say I'm boggling over 20 people not lifting a finger. I co-ordinated meals for a hen weekend and to be fair, I did do a lot of the planning, purchasing and prep. However I had multiple offers of help, people bringing contributions to meals, cracking on with washing the dishes, asking if they could do anything etc etc. And only one person still owes me cash :) It was about £20 each.

Dianag111 · 31/07/2017 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hortonlovesahoo · 31/07/2017 18:49

I wouldn't call either. It sounds like something has gone on based upon your update with "Betty" but I'd keep out of it and enjoy your holiday

Smudge100 · 31/07/2017 19:16

If you ring, you risk another rant. She doesn't see your point if view and probably never will.

MojoPin · 31/07/2017 19:48

Simple text:

Did you mean to dial me or MOH?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/07/2017 19:54

It's a shame that the mutual friend you do still both see wasn't at the hen do - maybe you could sound her out about the gossip afterwards though? As something must have been said that then resulted in this fall-out, both the rescinding of the MOH invitation, and the ticking off from the bride.

That's if you care after all this time though!

Purplealienpuke · 31/07/2017 21:59

What 'dfod'???

Swipe left for the next trending thread