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Original poster

Not my Hen weekend- but so pissed off

315 replies

FastAbsorbingCake · 30/07/2017 11:17

Long…

As above was away on a hen weekend for someone I thought was a very good friend.

We've been friends for over 20 years and I've been her someone to call at 3am person and I thought she was mine.

The weekend was self catering which I was told by the Maid of Honour (a whole other story) that I was sorting out the food for 20 ish people.

Which I did happily, I spent the whole weekend running after sorting cooking cleaning up etc. And did it all on a very tight budget.

Just before we left the location I said ok I'm having a swim, and then packing and would someone mind clearing up after the breakfast?
Bearing in mind there was 20 of them…

Now I had cooked and sorted for 20 people for 6 meals with no help. I did ask for help and some of them wafted in and out doing nothing of substance.

So wedding has been & done and 'friend' asked to meet up. So we go for a meal and I'm told how horrible I was by leaving them to clean up on the last morning.

How awful I was by not joining in games etc. I did point I was either clearing up or cooking.
I did try to join In but MOH was very obvious in excluding me.

But no and apparently the MOH was very upset & stressed by my behaviour…

So we're in the main course of the meal, she was talking at me for an hour and I say you know what, I worked my arse off for weeks before the weekend, I was first up last to bed on the weekend.

You behaved appallingly to me on said weekend, as did your 'friends'. I assumed when you invited me for this meal it was to apologise, clearly not, so fuck off. And left. We've not spoken since. (I.e. A few months)
Well I did get an enraged text about leaving her with the bill- I'd had pasta & and sparkling water and left a £20…
Ok vent over.

The thing is I've woken up this am (am away with OH so was a late nightGrin ) to see she's called 3 times over night.

My instinct is to call, OH has said don't you dare. I hate to admit it but he's right isn't he…

But what's if she's in real trouble?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 30/07/2017 13:34

I don't believe this.

Not as in, I'm troll hunting Grin

But as in, I just cannot imagine this occurring. I cannot imagine cooking for 20 people over several days, and clearing up after them, and then on the last day merrily cooking them all breakfast too. And I cannot imagine asking them to clear up the last day, because I cannot imagine deciding it was my responsibility, so therefore I needed to pass it on.

I can imagine it for 5 people, if the OP was a bit of a fan of catering.

But 20 - no.

OP, how did this even happen?

ChickenBhuna · 30/07/2017 13:36

Forgiveness to the detriment of your own happiness is something a person should never do.

PovertyPain · 30/07/2017 13:37

If she really wanted to apologise to you, OP, she would have rang during the day. She was either phoning to have a go or wanted a drunken wail down the phone. Either way, there would have been no genuine feeling behind the call. If she's in trouble, tough shit, she got another 20 friends to call. Don't put yourself up as a target in order to satisfy other posters. If she genuine she'll cal during the day, but personally I wouldn't be arsed letting someone like that back in my life as she's already shown what she thinks of you.

Ellisandra · 30/07/2017 13:39

What I can imagine is the bride feeling pissed off that you seemed to prefer hiding out in the kitchen and avoiding the games.

You say that people wafted in and out but weren't much help. Could it be from the outside, they looked like more help than they were?

Could it be that the bride didn't think you had to miss the games because:

  • it just wouldn't occur to her you were solo when there were 20 people
  • she thought the wafters were actually doing things?

Is it possible she thought you were choosing to cater instead of join in?

I'm not saying that she's in the right... but I am saying that in trying to picture this all in my head, it makes far more sense for the bride to think you chose to do all the cooking and cleaning instead of joining in.

What sane person wouldn't have just sat back by meal 3 (or clear up 2) and said "your turn now!"

diddl · 30/07/2017 13:41

I might text her to say that if she's not calling to apoplogise she can fuck off.

"OP, how did this even happen?"

I guess the b2b has likeminded selfish friends.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 30/07/2017 13:41

If she's in real trouble, she's got 20 other people she should have called first.I'm with your OH. Don't you dare

I agree with eggy

You were a great friend and she was a bitch to you,twice! Long friendship or not, you are well out of it.

BastardGoDarkly · 30/07/2017 13:42

You were told to sort the catering all weekend for 20 other adults?!

Why??

noenemee · 30/07/2017 13:43

What was the 'whole other story' about all the catering being delegated by the MoH?

When she'd had a go at me, if and it's a very big IF, I'd done the catering, I'd have stared hard and asked 'was I invited as a friend or just as unpaid cook and housekeeper?'

Any update OP?

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 30/07/2017 13:44

Neutrogena - there's forgiving and there's being a doormat. In the case of advanced emotional intelligence, the right thing to do here is for OP to protect herself.

OP don't reply. In our heads we imagine that she'll be ringing to apologise profusely, or that she's ringing to give you more abuse but you'll come up with the ultimate put down that will have her cringing about her behaviour for the rest of her life. It rarely works out as cleanly as that.

Forego short term nosiness in favour of long term satisfaction that you didn't play her game.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 30/07/2017 13:46

Forgive her. Life's too short to hold resentments. Forgiveness is an advanced, emotionally intelligent reaction. Many posters on here don't age the capacity to forgive. You sound like you do. Go for it

So you happily allow yourself to be walked all over and treated like shit?

MartinJD · 30/07/2017 13:48

Sounds like we're not hearing the full story here to be honest. Cooking 6 means for 20 people with no help? My guess is that the OP resented not being Maid of Honer and problems ensued from that.

WooWooSister · 30/07/2017 13:51

I'd text back out of sheer nosiness and out of fond memories of the 20 year friendship. Also it sounds like the real issue lies between you and the MOH, and your friend has been manipulated in the middle. Of course, she shouldn't have been and it's her responsibility to treat you fairly.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/07/2017 13:54

If it were a real emergency or crisis, she would have left a message instead of ringing and hanging up three times.

Ellisandra · 30/07/2017 13:55

I do wonder if the wafting helpers were rebuffed.
Nobody can think it's right for them to do 6 meals for 20!
The only person I know who would do this is my lovely sister who suffers terribly from social anxiety and would jump at the opportunity to have a "role".
She was mistaken for a security guard at my wedding Blush because she had a phone ear piece in, wore black and white, and spent her whole time trying to show people where things were. Because she finds it really hard to interact socially without a role - so will take on "helper".
If I didn't know her, I'd be put out that not once did she speak to me on my wedding day.
But I know her - she didn't want to take up my time, and wanted to avoid talking to others.
She would derive a lot of self worth from being capable and willing to do all the catering, plus she could manage her social anxiety that way.
I love her, and wish life was easier for her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/07/2017 13:56

I wouldn't text back. They see you as a joke, OP. You've been side-lined out of the friendship group now. Do you really need proof-positive that they think you are 'less than'? Take your husband's advice, he presumably loves you and doesn't want you to make more of a fool of yourself.

If it was a genuine call the bride would have left you a voicemail message. She didn't.

It doesn't matter what posters here think. We don't have to mop up your tears when bride/friends tell you to get to fuck.

tictoc76 · 30/07/2017 13:56

Maybe she's realised what a mistake she made and wants to apologise, 20 years of friendship would imply she wasn't always selfish so it's possible she's come to realise how used you were and wants to mAke up for it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/07/2017 13:58

... were you wearing an ear-piece as well as an apron, OP? Easily done.

Ellisandra, my mum's like that. Needs a role or feels very out of place.

MartinJD · 30/07/2017 14:03

Out of interest what did you cook OP? Cooking for 20 with little or no help isn't easy, even for a pro.

The80sweregreat · 30/07/2017 14:04

£20 for pasta and a water, plus you did everything and just asked for a bit of help clearing up at the end of the stay? these other people sound awful - your friend sounds a total nut.
i would just text a curt response ' you ok' type thing and leave it there.
i can see why you want to know if she is alright ( despite the behaviour) but the rest of it is out of order. At least you know now never to organise or do anything like this again - people only get treated as door mats once! you sound lovely by the way - her friends are clearly not. How were they with you at the wedding?

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/07/2017 14:04

Forgive her. Life's too short to hold resentments. Forgiveness is an advanced, emotionally intelligent reaction. Many posters on here don't age the capacity to forgive. You sound like you do. Go for it

Sounds like someone who regularly uses people and is practised at getting them to believe that its their fault

BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy · 30/07/2017 14:06

Hmmmm something's not adding up here. I'll play devil's advocate and suggest that there was a existing bad feeling between OP and MOH possibly from not being chosen for MOH or from being asked to do the catering. This resulted in OP playing martyr and doing all the cooking to make some kind of passive aggressive point. This resulted in bride being pissed off at friend for a atmosphere and not getting involved with the hen properly. I just don't get why anyone would agree to be treated as a personal chef for their friend's hen!

mrscropley · 30/07/2017 14:11

Sounds like she didn't see you as her wing man. More doormat. .

The80sweregreat · 30/07/2017 14:12

It is difficult sometimes with the helping thing - i have friends who are control freaks and i can see them just wanting me out the way if i offer to wash up or load the dishwasher or whatever - they would rather do it all themselves.
Or, if someone tries to help me, its 'oh, wheres the plates, or what do you want doing with this?; etc etc and its easier to do it myself.
never catered for 20 though , but then i hate cooking ( would rather clean and wash up!) so i would have been happy doing those chores , just not the cooking bit. i would have helped though, this lot sound like free loaders!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/07/2017 14:12

I'd be dying of curiosity to see what she wanted! But I think I'd have to pretend I didn't know it was her and text back with "missed 3 calls from this number, who are you and what do you want?"

Bloody terrible way to treat you but like others, I can't understand how you allowed it to happen in the first place!

The80sweregreat · 30/07/2017 14:14

I think i would want to know whats up though, i am a bit nosy like that.
if its not a big apology , then at least you know then the friendship may be over! its a shame, as you've known her a long time.