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Original poster

Not my Hen weekend- but so pissed off

315 replies

FastAbsorbingCake · 30/07/2017 11:17

Long…

As above was away on a hen weekend for someone I thought was a very good friend.

We've been friends for over 20 years and I've been her someone to call at 3am person and I thought she was mine.

The weekend was self catering which I was told by the Maid of Honour (a whole other story) that I was sorting out the food for 20 ish people.

Which I did happily, I spent the whole weekend running after sorting cooking cleaning up etc. And did it all on a very tight budget.

Just before we left the location I said ok I'm having a swim, and then packing and would someone mind clearing up after the breakfast?
Bearing in mind there was 20 of them…

Now I had cooked and sorted for 20 people for 6 meals with no help. I did ask for help and some of them wafted in and out doing nothing of substance.

So wedding has been & done and 'friend' asked to meet up. So we go for a meal and I'm told how horrible I was by leaving them to clean up on the last morning.

How awful I was by not joining in games etc. I did point I was either clearing up or cooking.
I did try to join In but MOH was very obvious in excluding me.

But no and apparently the MOH was very upset & stressed by my behaviour…

So we're in the main course of the meal, she was talking at me for an hour and I say you know what, I worked my arse off for weeks before the weekend, I was first up last to bed on the weekend.

You behaved appallingly to me on said weekend, as did your 'friends'. I assumed when you invited me for this meal it was to apologise, clearly not, so fuck off. And left. We've not spoken since. (I.e. A few months)
Well I did get an enraged text about leaving her with the bill- I'd had pasta & and sparkling water and left a £20…
Ok vent over.

The thing is I've woken up this am (am away with OH so was a late nightGrin ) to see she's called 3 times over night.

My instinct is to call, OH has said don't you dare. I hate to admit it but he's right isn't he…

But what's if she's in real trouble?

OP posts:
MrsDc7 · 30/07/2017 14:14

Any update OP?

Newtothis2017 · 30/07/2017 14:15

I would be too nosy not to text

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 30/07/2017 14:16

Text, and say"I've had a few missed calls from this number" as that will imply that you've deleted her from your contacts. 

The only way I would get in touch would be like this as suggested by a PP. But in reality I would ignore.

I would also ignore Neutrogenas appalling advice - you've been treated like a mug once don't let it happen again for your sake.

AdalindSchade · 30/07/2017 14:16

Don't do the 'new number, who dis' message it's naff. Just ignore. She's a cow.

The80sweregreat · 30/07/2017 14:20

20 people though all behaving as if they are little children wanting everything done for them - they all sound as if they deserve each other.
You usually get one clean person who likes things tidy and put away in any group of folk, or can cook.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 30/07/2017 14:24

I also don't see the function of forgiving someone for failing to acknowledge your great efforts and then their also topping it off with insults about your behavior. I agree with the the Wendy scenario. It is like a trap was laid and you were the target of back biting bitchiness for their entertainment (as you were the only one out if the room/area consistently). The bride was too weak to stand up for you in the face of 18 others. To continue to hold onto that brainwashing well after the event at the one-on-one meal out Shock showed her complete weakness of mind and character. You handled it perfectly: deal breaker. Don't look back. No need to second guess this.

LyingWitch , I get what you are saying but the OP did not just take over on these tasks. She was ordered to do these functions. If she was a micro-managing control queen dismissing and re-doing others' contributions, then the others would have been right to sit back and stay out of her way...and return her dismissiveness at her instructions/declarations.
(And thank you for your post because one of our girl guide leaders is the micro-managing type and it is hard to cope with her on camping trips.)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/07/2017 14:33

No AndTheBandPlayedOn, it's just not possible to 'order' somebody of equal status in the group to play skivvy for the duration. OP elected to do this. I can picture the scenario in which OP would enjoy being large-and-in-charge because she's seemingly finding all this very amusing from the part of being a 'put upon' friend and how dreadful all the others are for making her take the role of Cinders-in-the-kitchen.

Unless you really perceive the OP as a dim-witted doormat then no, she wasn't 'ordered'. She there in her capacity to participate with the hen weekend and could have taken her place in that role. She chose not to. If she had, the arrangements would have been made by the group.

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/07/2017 14:45

Lying

The another option is that the OP got 'trapped' in the kitchen, people coming in and out, making requests. It happens.

MadMags · 30/07/2017 14:46

Forgiveness is an advanced, emotionally intelligent reaction

Then I'll happily be an emotional dumb-ass and not let people treat me like shit.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/07/2017 14:57

It does, Boney, what do you do when that happens? I personally might accede to the first half dozen requests but then I'd laugh and say 'on your bike', let's have a rota. I wouldn't agree to cater for everybody for the duration. I don't know anybody that would do that. That's doormat territory.

Crunchymum · 30/07/2017 15:05

She sounds like a complete cunt and good on your DP for standing your ground OP. I hope you didn't cave?

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/07/2017 15:06

Lying

Not everyone is able to do that.

I would struggle to stand up and say "on your bike". I would however refuse to wash and clean up the mess, and see who would be the first to complain when there was no food the next meal.

Gemini69 · 30/07/2017 15:10

text back FUCK OFF... STOP CALLING ME....

the end Grin

Twitchingdog · 30/07/2017 15:15

Block the number

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/07/2017 15:18

Fair enough, Boney, I would have thought that in a friendship group OP could have been more forthcoming with her views but I do take your point. Wanting fair pay isn't even confrontational or rude, just standing up for yourself a bit so that you can enjoy the weekend of fun too.

At least you wouldn't have got caught for more than ONE round of preparation/cooking/cleaning! Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/07/2017 15:19

fair play, I meant.

Although perhaps OP could have negotiated an hourly rate?

Ellisandra · 30/07/2017 15:27

I get that some people would struggle to say no.
But I can't imagine someone struggling to do more than their share and then just walk away from the pile of dishes.

If the menu was decided in advance and OP was pushed into feeling she was the cook - I get that, I get that you could feel unable to say no.

But OP says she was going all the cleaning up, last to bed. You don't have to be confrontational to just not pick up the dishcloth.

I simply don't believe that 19 other women thought she was responsible for the cleaning. I can well imagine 18 women being lazy and not caring that she was doing it all.

But there is surely no part of the OP that felt she had to do it all.

So I think she chose to - I just don't know why!

Elland · 30/07/2017 15:37

I would text purely to find out what she wanted and then if she needs you I would be having a few words about real friendships.

Ellisandra · 30/07/2017 15:42

It's just weird that OP missed the games. Really she thought if she left a pile of washing up to join in, she thought she'd get told "back to the suds, Cinderella"? Confused

I cannot imagine how OP didn't just leave the pile until someone else said "fucking hell we'd better sort those".

That's why I can see why the bride got the arse... although she was WAY out of line with the scale of that.

Olddear · 30/07/2017 15:46

I wouldn't text. She'd be dead to me.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 30/07/2017 16:14

Thank you, Lying Witch,
You are right.
Do you think OP was ensnared in this role from a presumption of an implied rule that bridesmaids do not rock the boat for/on hen dos/wedding related events? Agreeing to be a bridesmaid is pretty much agreeing to be a doormat for the bride isn't it? Not that a sincere friend would treat their friends that way...but the bride/wedding/ my day / culture of wedding tradition predisposes to that dynamic.

Original poster
FastAbsorbingCake · 30/07/2017 16:28

Okay I've had a nap and there's been some adult activities. GrinGrin

To answer questions as they occur to me I assume the reason I was asked to cater was because it's not a big deal to me I come from a large family and I'm going to name change after this but I DP is X army and is now in the TA am & I regularly help out with food for them so 20 is not a big deal.

I didn't avoid the games most of the food was presorted for want of a better word so I didn't spend all the time in the kitchen I was available but when the 'games' I was last one picked etc. Very mean girls.

As for how I allowed myself to be such a doormat I know people are always saying on threads like this but genuinely I'm not normally like this.

I've worked in some challenging roles with very challenging people and never had a problem sticking up for myself.
this is very much a frog in a pot situation. Ive been friends with her for 20 years and every time she's done something a little bit nasty I've kind of gone well she'd stressedat work she's having a bad day blah blah and looking back she just upped the anti.

As regards mutal friends after the schism happened I found out that certain of my friends had only been tolerating her for my sake. And that certain of our friends I had been tolerating me for her sake.

No I didn't pay for the food, I calculated what it was going to be and divided by the amount of hens minus the bride. But apparently 30 quid for a weekend of food & booze and all of it was high-quality food was too much or so I've heard back. (I've done courses you know…)

It took a lot of chasing to get the money from certain people who oddly enough are the ones that went to her side as much as I hate to do my side/her side.

It was one of those situations where you look back and think you fucking eejit…but then i have the default setting to assume best intentions from people.

I did go in to auto mode re cleaning I very much clean up as I go so did that, yes I'm a prat.
we did go to the wedding, it was good. But I pulled away after that. The meal happened about 9-10 weeks later where I'd stopped instantly responding to to text/calls/email.

I will fully admit to being a feeder CakeCakeCake

But I'm also a nosy bitch and I desperately want to know what's going on

OP posts:
FeckinCrutches · 30/07/2017 16:33

Text her! I neeeeed to know Grin

Original poster
FastAbsorbingCake · 30/07/2017 16:35

On the maid of honour thing I was very publicly asked to be maid of honour and then two weeks later I was told in a text that I'd misunderstood

That she'd never actually asked me to be a maid of honour, Id misunderstood however DP still has video footage of her asking me

And I had to field some awkward questions at the wedding

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/07/2017 16:37

apparently 30 quid for a weekend of food & booze and all of it was high-quality food was too much or so I've heard back

Translation: They thought you'd pay for it as well - or at least the food if not the booze Hmm Come to that, with your experience of catering for army/TA groups, they probably assumed you'd be able to get the stuff for very little, which may be why they suggested you do it