ernest et al - how to get over the affair

[ernest]

Loads of people gave me brilliant advice when I found out a couple of weeks ago that dh was having an affair.

I since read loads of others on here in similar situaion.

So for you lot who've survived, or are simply a bit further down the line, can you help me out, and the others just starting out on this journey?

My problem is that I was really happy when he came back (at my invitaion) after being away for the week (at my insistance). I eflt really positive that we should stay together, that we could fix it, that our marriage was too important, that something positive could come out of the horrible situation. The first weekend was great, we had great time as family, went out just us two.

But I'm finding it really difficult now he's back at work. I need constant reassurance, which he's trying with but still just doesn't feel enough, eg he'll phone or sms, at my request, a couple of times in the day, not to 'check up on him', after all, he ould be anywhere, just to feel reassurance. But it just doesn't feel enough. I need him to say he's happy to be back, that he made a mistake, that he loves me, all that stuff but he doesn't, he has done, but only under prompting.

I worry that he regrets finishing with her, that he loves and misses her, that part of him is still with her, that he thinks of her. It's really doing my head in.

How do you move past this? Do others feel the same as this? How do you cope? He says it all feels so 'normal' again already, but is that not bad? After all 'normal' led to his affair?

How do you get over affair

So glad you posted this ernest.

I feel exactly the same. Fantstic weekend, was so pleased to be 'back together' and sorting things.

Now it's like life goes on and we go our separate ways to work and that's it. I'm supposed to carry and forget everything?
I need to hear all those things too, and not just because he's prompted to say them. But he doesn't really mention anything unless I do first. It's like he just wants to forget it and look forward (which I guess is actually a good thing in itself.)

But I'm not ready to forget and I need reassurance!

There's gotta be someone out there who knows a good way to get past this...??

hi, glad it's not just me. Is your dh going with you, or going to go at a later date or not at all? I've been for a couple of sessions, but am considering ditching it.

Dh has rung a couple of times today which is excellent. But started off badly. He has got to go away on business the day before I go to UK with the boys, so not only did he forget, he'll be away, plus it means I'm going to have nightmare journey to aiport, taking 3 times longer alone. sorry, that's more or less irrelevant, just a rant, but doesn't add to my overall feelings of well being

ladies - 3 years down the line and still together I have learned YOu HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT to him.

He will want nothing more than to forget, put it behind him ,never talk og it again BUT he has to undrrstand that you NEEd to go over and over all aspects of what happened not to punish him but to make sense of what happened. he won't belive this but he probably needs to do that too and if possible I'd recommend counselling (we did it seperately then found it allowed us to talk to each other being clear about how we felt and what had just happened)

I firmly belive this is kind of like a grieving process- take for instance you'd been involved in a horrific accident and someone died- you'd go over and over the events ...what if? why ? etc etc replaying parts like a video in your head. Well I think the trauma of an affair is similar- something has died in your relationship- at the moment trust- but it can be nursed very slowly back to life. The only way to do that is to get all the "demons" out in the open all the bad bits and unanswered questions need to come out then only then can you start to move forward.

So you need to spell out to him that for now at least he needs to let you know all that's going on in his life and in his head. Together you can then start tomake some peace with what has happened.

Can I recommend -if you've not already seen it , a book I think in the relate series called "after the affair" by Julia Cole. I found it very good as did my husband because it addressed everyone who's involved in an affair and how they are likely to feel act - it helps to know you are not going mad and losing perspective. It looks at eg how is your dh feeling- hard as it is to think about he is likely to be feeling a loss for her, probably also ashamed and confused andas yet not entirely sure of what comes next-the book helps you through these feelings and help you the victim to stop blaming yourself.
Give it a go I hope it helps.

You need to feel that he really 'gets' how hurt and disappointed you feel.

He betrayed you - you're not going to feel a lot better until he makes a great effort to make it up to you. Neither will you be able to properly forgive. Feeling that you should have forgiven him without all this is an unfair pressure on you and quite impossible to do.

ernest we're doing the counselling separately at the moment, but once we've got through this stage we'll start the relationship counselling again.

it does help in some ways, but last night I felt that she didn't say much that I didn't already know myself.

I guess just being in that situation where you have to talk and think and move forward helps.

(Rather than burying it all.)

Ernest that's a pain about the work trip too

Is there something really speacial the two of you can do just before you go away so the date doesn't approach with sheer dread? So there's something positive to look forward to?

And could he perhaps pay for a private taxi for you so that you don't have the stress of the journey. Perhaps a bit expensive - but surely you're worth it!

anorak that's exactly right

Message withdrawn

maturer the spelling it out way seems the only way to go! i think if i don't sit down and tell him what i need and what i need to hear he'll think it's all forgotten!

i'll have a look for that book too. sounds good.

I read that book and tbh it didn't really help me. maybe the magical help of mumsnet or through my own deep wisdom (hmph) I could pretty much work out why the affair happened and what I was feeling and dh. What I needed, and need was advice on how to cope with it, to regain the trust, to cope with the jealously, confusion, neediness this has created and it didn't do that. It didn't even skim over that. I need to find a way to stop feeling so desperate (I feel like I'm doing 90% of the running), trying to please him, it's the wrong way round, but I feel really needy all of a sudden, which I haven't felt since a teenager and it's not nice to feel so insecure and desperate.

I agree spelling stuff out is the way to go, but I've seriously said about making more contact/ saying 'nice' stuff loads of times and it's not good enough for me still. So then it moves into nagging &/or resenting the fact that he's just not doing it (well enough).

I'm finding it just too much to deal with. I feel clingy and desperate. Sometiimes.

Your bound to feel like that - its only natural after such a horrible thing happening.

Is there any chance that you could go away as a family - even just for a weekend, longer would be better. If it were me I would want to remove myself from everything that reminded me about the last few days/weeks. By going away you put yourselves in a situation where your surrounded by nothing thats "day to day life" and what your left with is just the family and time to reflect. It wouldnt be the best holiday youve ever had but it may help.

The problem with finding out that your partner has been unfaithful (and ive been there) is that you do need reassurance all the time but you have to make sure that this doesnt consume you (ie you need it too much) because the irony of it is that it pushes the other person away in the end as they cant take the pressure of being reminded of thier mistake every single moment of every day.

that's so true jd, but how do you make that leap? self discipline, labotomy?

That's a good idea re holiday. We've got one booked, and has been for ages, but going in 4 weeks. won't be possible a 2nd one before that.

But is going to be wonderful, fab hotel and in laws there, then the week after I'm taking boys away, so leaving him all alone for 1 week suddenly seems a terrifying proposition

I can imagine that it does but you have to try - as hard as it may seem.

I think its really important to tell him that you afraid about going away for the week without him and if he asks why then you dont have to explain that.

As hard as it may seem you have to tell him that youve taken him back on one condition and one condition only - that if he does it again then thats it. Even if you dont believe that deep down he has to realise that you wont take it a second time.

He had to realise that you will do your bit if he does his and the fact that your giving him another chance is, in itself, your bit.

Sorry to put a damper on it but are you sure it is finished. Ive been there done that!! My H returned and then went back to work and it just didnt feel right - i always needed reasurances ect and hated myselft for feeling so needy all the time. Eventually he left again and i found out that he hadnt actually finished it all dispite him telling me that he had twice!! (i wanted to believe him so much). You feel like you want to fight for him to prove you are better than her.
YOU ARE ALREADY BETTER THAN HER

Stop fighting and find what it is you really want - you dont want to live like this for much longer it will really pull you down.

This is the hardest advice to take but you must think about you and your children. You cannot make him stay but he needs to see the most fantastic you. You are strong and so very capable of being on your own (even though you dont want to i know).

I have been there and believe me you will have to get to the point of really KNOWING you can go it alone before you know what it is you want.

You can be strong through all this.

I went out with a friend who has seem me through my worst days over the past 6+ months and she always said it can only get better.

You dont want you have now - so it is up to you change it. Only you can really make you happy.
Sending you hugs and thinking of you no-one should have to feel the way you do but many of us have and survived to tell our tale.

Take care

xx

I think the reason they don't want to discuss it is the shame they feel. I'm afraid it's a bit of head in the sand. You have to push them to talk to you. I don't think there is anything you can do specifically other than keep talking and ask him for reassurance if you need it. Obviously your whole world has just been shaken and the security you thought you had has gone. You are bound to feel at a loss as you have lost control of your life. It is a grieving process and only time can help that.

Why you women even stay with these men is beyond me! They obviously have little or no respect/love for you and enjoy sneaking around behind your back.
Show some pride and get on with your lives without these men!

I don't think it has anything to do with pride french. It's never that simple. What about the dc's, the home, the marriage, love etc etc.

Earnest sorry the book didn't help you (for me I couldn't understand why dh had had an affair- perhaps that's where we differ)

I do understand though the overwhelming emotions you're dealing with now- dispair . anger, love, deep deep sadness all in the same breath. I felt like I was going to burst- that I was losing it (when in fact I was actually being strong and emotionally aware)
I went to see a cousellor- just for me- I don't know if you've tried but I felt the emotions I was feeling were so overwhelming they were going to quickly turn to destructive emotions and I'd lose my perspective on the reality of the situation. I found counselling let me vent all in a safe environment- I could argue out and cry out all the emotions and raise all the questions the affair raised about how I felt.

Time is a great healer and it is very very raw for you- try not to expect too much too soon from yourself you have to grieve and give yourself space to do so before you can start to heal.I'd say it took me 18mths before it stopped occupying every spare moments thought. There is still not yet a day goes by when it doesn't enter my head at some point but I can now push it away and most of the time I can look forwards, think of what's happening now not in the past. It is a very slow road to recovery-make sure you make your dh share your pain- he caused it he has to now do all to help you put it right.

frenchconnection,

I can understand why you say this but it really isn't that easy when you love these men, have children with them and like Ernest live aboard with no family network around you these men are the center of your whole life.

Ernest nice to hear from you again - my dh said it takes time to get over an affair it is like a death - dh said it's your marriage dying and if you stay together it's a new relationship starting.

Maybe settling into the same old routine isn't the right thing to do maybe you should start dating again and going out on dates, having the honeymoon period of the relationship and settling down again and this all takes time.

Many marriages do survive affairs but it takes a lot of work from both parties and 100% commitment!

Ernest, it's very early days for you yet, I remember seeing your o/p when you had found out about it all. It is far too early to expect to be able to be 'normal' again.
I know the last couple of weeks probably seems like an eternity to you, but really it is only the beginning of your recovery process. You are doing really well, far better than I did, but don't expect overnight miracles, or shortcuts. Only time will give you a chance to deal with it thoroughly.
To give you some perspective, - while I know everyone is different - it took me 8 months to be able to accept that actually it might be better if my dh left, and that I would cope and dc would be ok. That's not what I wanted of course, but looking back it's when I began to be more logical and rational about the situation. AND also when I started to feel stronger and less pathetic and needy. (Told him that yes I wanted him to stay, BUT only if he could be happy to do so, and be fully committed to it etc, otherwise he should leave. Gave him a bit of a shock actually).
I totally empathise with your feelings - being needy/desperate/pathetic and if you are like me not used to being like that, which only makes you feel worse about yourself. For a quite a while I rather despised myself for becoming such a crawling wretch, but I have since recognised that a)it wasn't my fault, and b) I was simply doing the best I could.

I will also echo what others have said about spelling it out to your dh. He very probably wont want to talk about it, would much rather try and live as if nothing had happened, so he doesn't have to face what he has done to you, but he will have to come to terms with the fact that it is going to take more than that from him. You may already have told him all this, but if he was not ready to hear it properly, he will need to be reminded. He has been going through a trauma, albeit of his own making (hurting you, damaging your marriage, then ending it with her etc), and will equally need some time to reconcile it.

On a practical level, I found that it helped because dh has been utterly straight on honest with me about everything since he came back home. Some of it I didn't want to hear, but I had to know that he wasn't hiding anything. That helped me feel like he was trying, and that I had some handle on where he was at too.

Not sure if any of this will help, but you are not alone in what you are feeling.
Oh and do some stuff just for you too. Whatever makes you feel good - just because. You need some nurturing, and some of it can come from you. (When my dh had just moved out, I went and bought the gorgeous but sickeningly expensive handbag that I had been drooling over. Partly because I never normally get beyond the drooling, and also partly because I knew full well that dh hates such items and cannot comprehend why anyone would buy them at that price. I didn't tell him, but I still smile when I look at it!)

Message withdrawn

OMG; FC; I saw your post last night and was totallly incensed. Luckily I had enough self restraint to not answer then.

I am going through such a fucking bad time at the moment, and the only place I can talk about it really is here. I need help, and so far the help I've received has been tremendous and kept my sanity. I need and am seeking help with 'Stage 2'.
I NEED HELP

If all you can do is come on here and critisise me and tell me to get myself some pride and self repect, could you possibly just fuck off and stay away from me? That doesn't help.

My pride is intact thank you very much. I feel that I am doing the right thing. I married that man and promised to stick with him through good times and BAD: Well, yes, now is a bloody bad time. Do you think I should just turn my back on 16 years together without any effort, as painful as that is? Do I rob my children of their father and family, possible the country they were born and grew up in, all of their friends, their home, without any effort???? Then you're stupid and mad. I don't beleive in disposible marriages. This was not my doing, but to myself, my marriage, and my children I feel a responsibility to at least try. If it doesn't work, then so be it.

But I must try. And along this road I need help. Thank God there are some wonderful mumsnetters out there prepared to help me along this horrible path. If you're not one of them, fine, but just fuck off away from me, ok

Ernest - I applaud your post and your sentiments below. FC was parroting out the old line that alot of people say when it HASN'T happened to them...I wouldn't allow it, that would be the end of our relationship etc etc but like you say it's different when you've been together so long, it's much, much more than just you and him at stake now. I really, really feel for you, it sounds like alot of people have some great advice to offer. I hope things will start to feel better soon.

Ernest I saw your other thread (don't think I posted). I don't really have any practical advice to add but just wanted to give you some moral support - I think you have been so strong through all of this. FC's post was immature and totally inconsiderate of your feelings - I really wish you didn't have to deal with that attitude on top of your RL situation.

It's not surprising you feel 'clingy' - right now you don't trust him. IME it just takes a lot of time to rebuild that trust, and I agree that men seem to need to have things spelled out to them. But in the end he will need to make an effort too and I'm so sorry that he doesn't appear to be doing that so far. I think others are right re the shame thing - he just wants to move on and not dwell on it.

But I think I have probably just reiterated a load of things you already know! Sorry I can't help more and good luck, will be thinking about you. Roll on the holiday.

Bamzooki on Tue 27-Mar-07 21:02:44

Brilliant post Bamzooki. Just brilliant.

Especially

'For quite a while I rather despised myself for becoming such a crawling wretch, but I have since recognised that a)it wasn't my fault, and b) I was simply doing the best I could.'

Top priority to repair your damaged self-esteem and be kind to yourself

Well said Ernest. I not sure that FC meant to intentionally hurt you but she has all the same. I found the treating myself thing really helpful especially the Radley bag and purse. Just posted on mylittlestars thread same situation as you. We agreed it isn't 'normal' we want but a new kind of 'normal' which mls put very well along the lines of new level of trust, understanding etc. You will get through this, it is very new and very raw at the minute and other people with no experience of this shouldn't ignorantly post on these threads. All your feelings are perfectly normal. He obviously still loves you (despite fc's comments) and you him and thats a great basis to build on . The trust takes time i'm afraid and everyone is different. Don't forget as the victim in this it is much newer for you than it is for the guilty party, they were coming to terms with this whilst you were in the dark. Take care and just ignore insensitive threads.x