ernest et al - how to get over the affair

[ernest]

Loads of people gave me brilliant advice when I found out a couple of weeks ago that dh was having an affair.

I since read loads of others on here in similar situaion.

So for you lot who've survived, or are simply a bit further down the line, can you help me out, and the others just starting out on this journey?

My problem is that I was really happy when he came back (at my invitaion) after being away for the week (at my insistance). I eflt really positive that we should stay together, that we could fix it, that our marriage was too important, that something positive could come out of the horrible situation. The first weekend was great, we had great time as family, went out just us two.

But I'm finding it really difficult now he's back at work. I need constant reassurance, which he's trying with but still just doesn't feel enough, eg he'll phone or sms, at my request, a couple of times in the day, not to 'check up on him', after all, he ould be anywhere, just to feel reassurance. But it just doesn't feel enough. I need him to say he's happy to be back, that he made a mistake, that he loves me, all that stuff but he doesn't, he has done, but only under prompting.

I worry that he regrets finishing with her, that he loves and misses her, that part of him is still with her, that he thinks of her. It's really doing my head in.

How do you move past this? Do others feel the same as this? How do you cope? He says it all feels so 'normal' again already, but is that not bad? After all 'normal' led to his affair?

How do you get over affair

Thats great re him supporting your going back to work. Maybe that should be the first step then. Maybe you could agree to your going back to work with a review of the situation again after about 6 months, see how you are both feeling then. You are bound to feel much happier in yourself and probably more confident and stronger. DH will be dealing with a different Ernest after 6 months of hard labour

i read your posts ernest and feel for you so much.you are being so strong and i do think of you often.
i think you shoud come back to uk to get away from beast. the distance will end it...

Does it have to be London? Could you move closer to a town or city but stay in Switzerland? So that it's not such a massive upheaval for the dc, but dh gets the hustle and bustle he's looking for?

Plus there will probably be a lot more job opportunities for you too if you're closer to a town or city? I know there's a few complications with you working, but even if you could do a couple of mornings/afternoons a week, or some voluntary work, at least you'll be getting what you want too...

I think it's great that you're making these positive changes. But I do agree with IOHW. The compromise must come from both sides. You love the country you live in, you are generally very happy to be there and your priority is your children and your family being settled. You've every right to still want all of that.

Perhaps dh in his job search should look for a new role that may give him some of the excitement and variety he's craving? That way he can have the best of both worlds too?

I think its easy to jump from one thing to the next thinking it will be more exciting but a year down the line you just end up bored again unless you give REAL thought to what you want.

Maybe he needs to sit down write down what he is unhappy about and aspires to rather than just having a knee jerk reaction and "running away to London" for excitement LOL Are there any towns you could move nearer to in Switzerland would he consider that or does he want to move to the UK?

I think a change of scenery and getting away from "the beast" is a great idea but he does need to deal with the causes of the affair.

it doesn't have to be london, but I guess London keeps coming up as he has friends there and loves it. And the ejob potential great there.

We're no totally cut off here. Sure we're in the country, but only 5 minutes walk to train station & half an hour ride into centre of Zurich. He works in Zurich. He goes to Zurich every bloddy day. Maybe when I get a babysitter I make sure we go out in Zurich more. No driving to anywhere suburban

He is looking both for new job & new role. A postion has come up internally, he asked about it this morning, but was told unlikely. He is also looking at similar roles, but in very different businesses.

He has been feeling pissed off with work, but not just pissed off but also actively looking for a while, but he's quite specialised so not easy to find work, especially here in CH.

I guess me getting work here would strengthen my claim to stay

Just procrastinating as the thought terrifies me, plus, what on earth do I put on cv. Did degree. Worked for 5 years. (hated it) then stayed at home for 8 years. I don't feel like much of a catch tbh

You are a great catch!! What with a degree and all the skills it entails to be a SAHM you will be snapped up!!

Ernest, you have shown amazing strength throughout all your troubles. Please have more faith and more confidence in yourself. The only person who can stop us achieving our aims and our goals is ourself.

If you move to London your DH has friends there and he loves it. Is there anything in London for you?

I'd be close to sil & pil. That would be good.

That's it I think.

I occasionally miss UK, return and after about half an hour remember why I left n the 1st place and practically kiss the ground when I arrive back in CH.

It worries me that DH is thinking more of himself and his own needs rather than his whole family. Your needs are important too. So, you move back to the UK and DH is happy to be around his friends, loving the thrill and the buzz of living in London. Would this make you happy? Could you compromise your own happiness for the sake of your husbands?

I think a lot of people get bored with their situations and crave a bit of excitement but most of them look to enhance the lives they are already living.
If your DH was desperately unhappy, depressed and wanting to move to the UK for reasons other than boredom and lack of excitement then thats a different matter but, i still would worry that once the excitement of change has once again worn off that he would be discontent again.
I can't help but think he is being rather selfish.

Ive just had a thought Ernest. Do you think DH could be pushing for a move to London in an effort to make the 'big break' from the OW once and for all?

It was only a few days ago he was telling you he was still in love with her. Maybe he is thinking the way to deal with all the mixed emotions is to 'run away', in typical man style!!

Just a thought xx

to be fair to him, yes, his behavious HAS been extremely selfish and he acknowledges that.

But this whole London thing, he has said he would love to , in an ideal world, if it was just him, but he recognises it's not really on/possible with the little kids, so he isn't pushing us all to move to central London, merely voicing a desire that he knows is unrealistic. He has been focussing his search for a new job to a position that would enable us to remain here, because he knows ho important it is for me. But I have now got to consider all the other factors, I need to consider his happiness, as well as the kids' and mine. I truly believe that whle I'd hate to leave here, I could be happy anywhere - our family unit being happy together is more important and yes, I have also considered a move away from OW might not be such a bad thing.

But he doesn't want to rush into anything, I'm more like that than him

You know, you come across as such a lovely lady. I hope your DH realises how lucky he is that you have stood by him and fought to save your marriage.
I am sure Ernest, that your determination, strength, compassion and understanding will see you through.
If only men were made of the same stuff as women!!

I think if you can sit down with DH and have a good talk about all this you will find a solution. It seems he is just running ideas around his head at the moment and hasn't decided on anything concrete. It's amjor plus that he is discussing how he feels with you rather than running off to find an alternative outlet for his frustrations. You just keep him talking!!

Maybe you could start with your CV etc like you had intended to last time, but leave OW out of it this time

This is a time thing - its not going to happen overnight. You said before that you sensed something was wrong but couldnt put your finger on it. I think you would realise if he was doing this again that you would be well aware whats going on. Go with the flow just now and give him credit. This will take time to get trust back though.

hi ernest, do you think there is a possibility for your husband to be associating his boredom with suburban life with you? maybe thats why he is so eager for you to get back to work? i was wondering if his attraction to this OW has to do with the fact she is working too like him.

i live in london and i always lived in big cities, i can relate to his boredom, i wouldnt want my husband to get into this mode.

luxlife, to be absolutely honest, I've read your post now several times and don't know how to interpret it. It feels like your having a go at me and saying I'm boring. Maybe I am.

wrt where we live now, he played a large role in choosing it, certainly the area. He has not always lived in big cities, he grew up in a relatively isolated village (inasmuch as crap public transport & dependant on lifts) but relatively close to London, great as a kid but crap as a teen.

But the Q. remains, were we to move, what's to say he's not going to feel fed up and bored in a couple of years, even in the middle of London?

How do you live in the midle of London, or any other big city with kids? I know anything's possible, but I look out of the window and see one barn and trees and fields. Beyong that, 7 minutes drive up the road is the German border, and more trees and fields. The kids run out of the front door and play n the field, at the playground or at the sportsgraound by the next field. (one of the) biggest CHcities, Zurich is half hour on the train.

you say, "i wouldnt want my husband to get into this mode.". well, do you see this as him or me, and is it just me that can change this, what are your views, your comments have just opened up a whole lot of questions and fresh uncertainties tbh.

Luxlife the responsible, caring and adult way for a man to deal with boredom in his life would be to discuss it with his wife...not run off looking for pastures new behind her back.

Ernest im sure that was just a badly phrased hypothecial question rather than a comment about you tbh.

hypothetical question (and I previewed it so whats my excuse)

no, i didnt mean you are boring. i meant maybe he is including you in his view of life at the suburbs being boring at the moment, instead of just the life style not being right. maybe he is just throwing everything in the same bag, including you. does that make sense?

im not saying either that thats a good enough excuse for him to find another person, if there is an excuse for such a thing...

im just wondering if your husband would like to see you doing other things, outside of taking care of children, living a fairly isolated life. what does he admire in woman at the moment?

it seems that you are happy with your family life at the moment and where you live, and he is not. so what is exactly in his mind that would make him happy? it sounds like he likes the idea of you going back to work, but what are his reasons for it? it doesnt sound like you need it for the money, so what is he imagining will happen if you are working again?

of course he can get bored again if you move to london or anywhere else, but i think he is trying to say something about this move, something that might change how he sees you too. im trying to look at what he is saying as symptoms of something bigger that perhaps he hasnt spelled out completely yet.

look, this is all speculation about what he is thinking. no one has definite answers to our lives, reactions and feelings. these are just ideas.

I'm so glad you had the same problem with Luxlifes post ernest. Ive attempted to respond on your behalf a few times but changed my mind in case i had read it wrong.

I hope you haven't taken it on board anyway. You should no way be made to feel responsible for your Dh actions. As CC says, the responsible thing for your DH to do would be to talk to you, not run into the arms of another woman.

So now us SAHM are boring eh? If we don a suit and go to work in the city our DH's will be happy with us, not get bored and not stray? TOSH!!

Keep smiling Ernest

Well what's my dh's excuse then?! I work 5 days a week in a very high profile well paid role in the city centre...

and part of my dh's 'excuse' for the affair was that he didn't see enough of me and the demands of my job put additional pressure on us

so I guess we can't win either way can we ladies!

like luxlife says though, there is no excuse for what they've done. and in luxlife's defence, i think she is just projecting ideas and opening up new questions to explore. i don't think for a minute that she thought ernest was boring for being a sahm.

fwiw ernest, (from this thread and our e-mails) i don't think your husband will be more attracted to you if you work, build up your confidence etc. i think his support of your suggestion to go back to work says more about how much he loves you and wants you to be happy. his reaction, imo, just reiterates that he will (and should) support you in whatever decisions you make. and if going back to work makes you happy. then that will make him happy too.

(hope that makes sense!)

my point is really trying to figure out what is in his mind. people are different, and have different moments in life. i dont think there is one answer that fits all "yes, working fixs everything or staying at home fixs everything".

once you know what is going on with him, you can opt to compromise or not, cant you? you have the same rigths that he has for finding, for example, life in london boring!

you can choose to change or not, to compromise or not, its all up to you. i think you can gain some sense of security and confidence if you know what is it that the other person wants, and then you can position yourself.

I would say how could anyone want to live in dull Switzerland. There was a series of letters about how dull it is in the FT last year (with some Swiss defenders it must be said). It is certainly known worldwide for its dullness. That suits many people very well but I can understand his point.

If he fell in love and I am sure you remember that early feeling from when you and he fell in love then however brief he felt like that he would remember the strength of those feelings so it probably stirred him up to think about things and his life. Has anyone ever regretted that feeling of being in love? I doubt it, even if it disrupts their lives. But I think he has a responsibility not always to tell you everyting he feels if it would hurt you. Honesty isn't always best. He should be thinking about how to preserve what he has, if he wants that, not foisting on to you other issues. Many peple who have affairs then go into why they had them, underlying problems etc but the bottom line is they could have sorted out those problems and kept their trousers/knickers pulled up but chose not too.

If he loved her he should now be as far removed from her as possible. A new start in London might be best for all of you (never agree to buy a second property if you have anyone who might stray as they often want it just to have sex in privacy in, classic purchase).

The other point is whether you can live with him. Plenty of people get over affairs, forget it and get on with things. Plenty of others just cannot do that, things are spoilt forever and they would be better accepting that and parting or they will both be unhappy.

Anyway it must be awful for you all.

come off it, Xenia, I thought you were intelligent!!! To dismiss a whole country based on an article you read in a paper last year is a bit lame isn't it?

When my pil come to visit, we have an endless choice of activities & day trips, an hour to France, 10 minutes to Germany, a couple of hours to Austria, up a mountain, on a lake, visit a city, museums blah blah. When we go to Kent, it is always a struggle to fill the days. There is no comparison, really. I find it laughable to call this place boring. Come and visit for a week if you want.

But yes, our life has become boring, but that's through laziness/giving into the evil tv and sofa combo. It's not the place tht's the problem, but the way we've slipped into boring rut & routine.

Anyway, for him, what would be so different about living in London, assuming we stay together? He'll still have 3 little kids, he'll still be working in a similar job in an office in the city, he'll still be in most nights.

I really feel that now we're going to make it- he describes Sunday night as his 'Road to Damascus' experience, and says he feels totally different & cannot believe that he did that, that it feels like it was somebody else. Of course his feeling may come and go, but he's definitely turned a corner. Of course, it's not quite so easy for me, cos all of this very much feels like it has happened to me still. But I'm feeling confident now, but still with fears.

The trip to UK in a couple of weeks, leaving him home alone is a big worry, esp. as I found out that 1 of the days is a bank holiday, which seems to make me feel much worse about it.

Wrt the London flat, it had been my idea originally, but of course, that was before I knew. My feelings of course are clouded now a bit. But I can still see a whole host of advantages. We'll have to see.

What you say about the 'love feelings' made a lot of sense, thanks, Xenia.

I am sorry about maligning Switzerland. We spent a lot of Christmases very happily in Wengen actually. You want to stay and he might want to leave. Perhaps he wants a fresh start and to be away from the other woman.

it must be very hard to get the balance right - if you're too awful to him he'll just go to her. If you're too tolerant he'll pretend he's not seeing her and take up with her again if the opportunity presents itself. Ask him for access to his emails, passwords etc may be? Or instal key stroke software on the family PC at home if he uses it.

Anyway it sounds like he turned a corner in how he feels which is good.

I suppose the London flat might be good if you can leave the children in Swz and you too go back to it for romantic weekends together. Most adultery is caused by opportunity - people working away, being apart, away at conferences and often it's not particuarly intended, it just becomes possible so ensuring it can't be possible helps although in theory everyone should be able to trust each other.

ime, I think getting over any breach of trust is a very very slow process. I don't think the reasurrance you want will make your worries go away. It takes longer for most people from what I've seen and experienced.
But I'm absolutely certain that if you have married someone and had children it has got to be worth the massive effort required to see if you can get over it.
All marriages are tested imo, no marriage worth having has had no challenges. The more you get over together - the stronger the relationship may be in the future.
But this is a very vulnerable time of course, none of this is easy but I suppose what I'm saying is - look at the long long long term - not the short. Divorce is a very horrible nightmare, healing a basically good relationship has got to be better than the alternative hasn't it?
Obviously some relationships need to end - but I believe lots of relationships could survive if society supported a more realistic idea of long term love!