ernest et al - how to get over the affair

[ernest]

Loads of people gave me brilliant advice when I found out a couple of weeks ago that dh was having an affair.

I since read loads of others on here in similar situaion.

So for you lot who've survived, or are simply a bit further down the line, can you help me out, and the others just starting out on this journey?

My problem is that I was really happy when he came back (at my invitaion) after being away for the week (at my insistance). I eflt really positive that we should stay together, that we could fix it, that our marriage was too important, that something positive could come out of the horrible situation. The first weekend was great, we had great time as family, went out just us two.

But I'm finding it really difficult now he's back at work. I need constant reassurance, which he's trying with but still just doesn't feel enough, eg he'll phone or sms, at my request, a couple of times in the day, not to 'check up on him', after all, he ould be anywhere, just to feel reassurance. But it just doesn't feel enough. I need him to say he's happy to be back, that he made a mistake, that he loves me, all that stuff but he doesn't, he has done, but only under prompting.

I worry that he regrets finishing with her, that he loves and misses her, that part of him is still with her, that he thinks of her. It's really doing my head in.

How do you move past this? Do others feel the same as this? How do you cope? He says it all feels so 'normal' again already, but is that not bad? After all 'normal' led to his affair?

How do you get over affair

Hi I have just read FC coments too and yes if it hadnt happened to me i might i have felt the same. Your marriage is worth fighting for and even if does not work out the way you want know at least will always be able to look in the mirror and know that none of this was your fault. Anyone that has been really in love will know that you cannot just turn your feeling off like that anyway.
You can have a better marriage - at the moment i dont think i could be happier (I am 6 months down the line). The difference is i am now much more aware how precious it is, i will never let my marriage get to that point again and neither will my husband. If yours is ready to move forward then let him know that once all the painful questions are over it can be fantastic.
I would say he does not believe it can be better - we certainly didnt at the beginning but now we feel like newly weds again. We both appriciate how close we came to losing it all. Your H is like most men and wants to bury his head in the sand - he is scared and cannot see how this is helping.
You must tell him and make him know how you feel and if he really wants it to work he will find a way.

REally thinking of you
Take care

PS - I think FC has been the other womoan!!

You know FC, comments like that are the last thing any of us that have been through this need to hear. I'm just glad that so many of you that have been through this have H's that are prepared to make the re-commitment to the relationship. It fills me with hope that there are good men out there. Ernest, take each day at a time and as maturer say, make sure you let him know how you feel.

Hi Earnest
What FC said is just what I would have thought to myself before it happened to me.Don't think I would have been as smug to come out and say it on here.

It is so different when it happens to you isn't it.

For the record I have plenty of self respect ( which is why it is such a struggle). I am certainly no sad little woman that would lay down and take it.

I have a friend who's partner has done it to her 3 times now.I wished she belived in herself more, but I will support her nomatter what.I wouldn't still be there.

Women on here that this has happened to that I have been in contact with are truly brave and courageous. They are stronger than they know.Loving caring women who are certainly not mugs.My husbands affair brought out such hidden strengths in me.

Staying together is not the easy option.

Good luck. You have a very difficult, painful journey ahead of you. The rewards are amazing too.It can be done if you both want it 100%

hurtwife I completely agree with the sentiments about coming so close to losing everything and how that gives you a new perspective and a new enthusiasm and drive to keep the relationship special from this point onwards.

ernest, like lilyloo has said, can you perhaps start to carve out a new 'normal'? try not to get back to the old life, but create a new better one?

this may be totally off the mark - but one thing helping me is that we're doing little things like texting saying how much we love each other or how lucky we are to have each other, planning favourite meals and dvds, buy nice bottle of wine for when ds goes to bed, run a bath together and chat and laugh about anything and everything, talk about the great times we've had and all those times to come, tiny little things but all happy/positive and a bit different to how we used to be, that way each evening is special. it's so early days for me. but it's getting me through each day.

I'm also trying to think longer term, holiday ideas for this autumn and for next year. and and specifically for us we're also looking at a new house. for me I want to try and leave this bit of our past, in the past!

Just doing whatever it takes to take the focus away from the thoughts of him and her. Then hoping that over time they will subside and not eat me up every time I think of them. I know it's so hard though, I really do xx

ernest even sorry didn't get your name right.

I didn't find the Julia Cole book helpful but I did this have a read

Ernest , YOU are not robbing your children of a father - HE did that! You are not splitting up your family - He did that all by himself! What use are wedding vows when one of you cant keep to them?
Surely its better to hold your head up high and show him you dont need him, rather than dragging yourself along for the next 20yrs, never knowing if you can trust him or what he is doing behind your back?

Im not meaning to be horrible, i really feel for you. It has happened to my best friend, she kicked him out and has never looked back. She deserved respect, and so do you.

FC people make mistakes. Some marriages are worth saving. The easy option is to walk away.

The other option, takes strength, courage and commitment. On both sides. And if you can find that strength and get through it, you can end up with long term happiness in a relationship you'll never take for granted again.

Worth a try for many of us. And for our children.

Giving up is easy.

FC have you ever made a mistake in your life ? Have you ever had a man whom you love sit there and beg and cry for forgiveness. Have you ever had to sit your dc's down and tell them you are moving to a bedsit and your dad will no longer be with us. ?
I not sure why you coming over so aggressively Ernest has already said she would rather you didn't post on here so take the hint. You are being very insensitive imo.

When my friends dh done that to her the first time I felt just like you do FC I promise.

Another friend sat in a pub once saying ho she would forgive if it happened to her. I sat there saying " I bloody wouldn't I would cut up the bastards clothes".

I did throw my DH out on the spot and belive me I would have cut up his clothes if he had left any.

FWIW i for one and hurtwife who are further down the line aren't 'dragging along' thanks anyway.

FC I am not sure why you are back on this thread. Ernest made herself perfectly clear and her situation is obviously different from your best friend's.

Sometimes the world is not so black and white.

Sorry I didn't express that well - giving up on a relationship isn't 'easy'. But playing the victim and running away is.

But will doing that bring you long term happiness?

In my case, no it wouldn't. So I stay and we do our best to get through it. Thereofore, no regrets on my part, ever.

Agree DSW unless we know the person i don't think it's right to comment. All you can do is best support them in the decision they make. Some of us who have got back together may well regret it likewise some of us who split up may also regret it. Everyone is different and obvs if it hasn't happened to you i feel it's easier to say i wouldn't have him back, it doesn't affect your life does it.

I am 2 years on from finding out soon and don't feel I am draggin on.

I had a choice to take my husband back someone who I love, the father of my children and give him a second chance or met a handful of other blokes who might cheat on you anyway.Now at least with my dh I know he is never going to cheat again as we both value our relationship 100% and we now choose to be together and not drag along in a marriage just because we feel we have to because we should.

It is never going back there is only forward. Yes you can walk away and not that man ever hurt you again - you may have a great life too, but staying together is also an option. It is the beginning of a new and exciting relationship with your husband - you just dont hoave to have all the 'getting to know you' bits.
Whatever there would always be a relationship btween you if their are children involved.
I would never wish this on anyone but there are far worse situations to in i am sure.

I for one have learnt a lot about myself and i now put myself first more of the time. I am still a great mum and wife but i am also a fantastic person and now my husband tells me everyday - and i think he is scared someone else might too!!! HE has helped me get over this too by building my self esteem up. He says he feels proud to have me on his arm when we go out (which is a lot more now - i am not so scared of asking for help with the kids). I also feel that he has learnt from this and will NEVER do it again.

Men make mistakes - we all do. Enjoy what you have now and make the most of it.
I am waiting for my bubble to burst and reality to come back but when it does i will get up and try something new to keep me exciting.

One question i have is what do you do about the wedding anneversary date? I feel it might be less important but would like to celbrate something - i think we are going to celebrate moving into our new house together.

Maybe a new date Hurtwife of the day you decided to give it another go , 'the start of your new relationship' type thing ?

I appreciate everyone has a different situation...its just the whole clingyness i find hard to understand...this bloke acts like a knob and then its the woman who is following him round like a lapdog and checking up on him all the time? Whats that all about? Surely its time for a new start?

And it does take courage to walk away and bring up children on your own...its a bloody hard job compared to pretending nothing has happened and playing to be all happy families..

Anyway i will go now before i am shot by the anti-feminist brigade (STAND BY YOUR MAN!!)

This has always been difficult for me too. We celebrate moving back in together too. We had to move house as She lived next door.Until then we lived apart and dated.

FFS fc piss off to put it bluntly your comments are wholly innapropriate.

Message withdrawn

ok i am pissing off

To tell someone who has been to hell and back to 'get some pride, that they are dragging themselves along, being lapdogs and to stop playing happy families and pretending nothing has happened, that they are anti feminist is completely out of order. There is nothing constructive in that. It can only hurt someone who is very sensitive further. I feel that you have done this to get a reaction and it isn't very nice, bye !

Walking away is always an option still open to all us who choose to stay so maybe we have more options and have not narrowed ourselves into only place. Staying is only for as long as it makes us happy.

So you are not happy now but if there is even the slightest chance that some of the happiness you once had can still be there i say go for it. By staying and putting your effort into that at least you will not have given up one choice.

Staying is not always easier - although it may seem like it at the beginning when we are feeling at our lowest. But with time your own true inner strength returns and you will stay not because you are needy or clingy but because thats what you really really want.

Once you get to the point where you KNOW you will survive anything and can go it alone will you be able to make a clear rational decicion.

Give yourself time and be very kind to yourself - you are the most important person in all this mess.

And to believe that only 6 short months ago people were giving me the same advice and i thought never would i feel any different.

Go with your heart - whatever it takes your husband needs to convince ONLY YOU that this is what he wants and only you know what it will take to convice you

Good luck to all fellow survivors of the BIG A.

great post hurtwife

Ernest how are you?

xx