ernest et al - how to get over the affair

[ernest]

Loads of people gave me brilliant advice when I found out a couple of weeks ago that dh was having an affair.

I since read loads of others on here in similar situaion.

So for you lot who've survived, or are simply a bit further down the line, can you help me out, and the others just starting out on this journey?

My problem is that I was really happy when he came back (at my invitaion) after being away for the week (at my insistance). I eflt really positive that we should stay together, that we could fix it, that our marriage was too important, that something positive could come out of the horrible situation. The first weekend was great, we had great time as family, went out just us two.

But I'm finding it really difficult now he's back at work. I need constant reassurance, which he's trying with but still just doesn't feel enough, eg he'll phone or sms, at my request, a couple of times in the day, not to 'check up on him', after all, he ould be anywhere, just to feel reassurance. But it just doesn't feel enough. I need him to say he's happy to be back, that he made a mistake, that he loves me, all that stuff but he doesn't, he has done, but only under prompting.

I worry that he regrets finishing with her, that he loves and misses her, that part of him is still with her, that he thinks of her. It's really doing my head in.

How do you move past this? Do others feel the same as this? How do you cope? He says it all feels so 'normal' again already, but is that not bad? After all 'normal' led to his affair?

How do you get over affair

ipanemagirl - well said! I totally agree. Better the devil you know

Hi ernest
You sound so much more sure of yourself and of things. I'm really pleased for you. It's not going to be easy, life's not that kind but, when you and DH are sat in your rocking chairs, side by side in the nursing home, you will be glad you worked so hard to make things work

I would try not to think too far ahead. Just take each day as it comes and make an effort to make it the best. By thinking too far ahead you can often fail to see the good that you have right in front of you.

XX

one more thing - I think a marriage crisis is often just a concealed personal crisis for one or other partner - very often a mid-life crisis for the man!

As far as I can tell we have to learn in life that we are largely responsible for our own happiness. That is the hardest lesson to learn - maybe lots of us will never learn it!

But nothing is easier in life than saying - my life's a mess it's all his/her fault; I'm not saying you're saying that though!

But to work in a partnership that supports each other through thick and thin is an absolutely fantastic thing when it works - it's a good technique to get through life! Some people find it on their third marriage, some on their first. But usually these life crises are personal crises that can pass - onced passed everything might look very different then. But panic makes people think they have to ACT when it is often better to avoid fight/flight and work through it dealing with all those uncomfortable feelings on the way. Marriage can be your life's greatest achievement.

Gosh you are good i agree with you again!

It's so easy to start living your life through and for your partner but it's so rewarding to live your life for yourself, meeting with your partner somewhere in the middle. Be supportive, be loving, kind and caring but don't be totally absorbed to the extent you lose yourself.

thnx ifonly!
my parents split up when I was 5 so I am fascinated by the subject of what makes some marriages work and some fail, I really don't want to go through as an adult what I saw my parents go through. I've had enough divorce in my life already!

I just think it's such a waste when two people really love each other, to throw away what has the potential to be a much stronger and more rewarding relationship over some silly, foolish decision. A bit of hard work never did anyone any harm

I'm not saying it will work in all cases of course but, I do think people shouldn't be so quick to judge those who decide to stay and work through all the trials and tribulations of ataying together. It takes amazing strength to take on what has the potential to be a life long challenge.

No one should be made to feel weak or foolish for wanting to honour their vows or continue with their love for a person who has betrayed them in a big way.

no one talks enough about how hard marriage is do they? It's all about the wedding and then the babies and then???? What about the Work??

Exactly!!

the slightest hiccup and you have all and sundry shouting divorce him! and of course, all those people can't be wrong

As i see it (and i'm not claiming to know it all all the problems that come with a realtionship, combined with all the good stuff form the building blocks. After all, if you don't have bad times you can't fully appreciate the good times.

there's a song in that somewhere

I'm writing out my cv now girls. Wish me luck, esp you Xenia

I do wish you luck but are you applying for jobs in Switzerland or London?

so the article is right! the best things to do in switzerland is to visit its neighbours? i liked that bit

Hey it sounds as though you have turned a corner - again just like my h. I now have him saying sorry so much that i am getting a bit sick of it (but i am not going to tell him just yet!!)

I can also relate to the boardem thing we all fall into a routine of everyday life and it is often the woman who is made to feel bad about it and that it is in some way our fault the marriage failed. From now on though you must both find time for each other and keep the excitment going.

We went away for the first time with out kids in 15 years the other week - and it was fantastic and we are planning to do it more. we have and still rediscovering new things to do. it is hard but we both know how important it is to do.

I also agree there is not enough open talk about how hard relationships are. If statistics are to be believed then 50% of us will experience and affair in our marriage. but it is such a taboo subject - because of the shame and guilt.

There is no shame in giving your marriage your all and remember you still always have the option of saying goodbye if it does not make you happy.

Good luck to all in the same boat.

Good Luck Ernest!! Ive got everything crossed for you! this is it now girl, onward and upward!! Way to go!! xx

ifonlyhewould- I agree with all you've said having been there and coming out the other end.

There is a lot of pressure (not so much from people close to me) from "society" when things go wromg to "kick him out,girl, don't let him treat you like that....."
I KNOW he's treated me badly but like all you others hanging in there I also know all the great years we've had up until his "crisis" for want of a better word!
I did make the decision not to push him away but to try and draw him closer- as for me this was the first and only time in a 20 year relationship that we'd had any problems- you can't just give up when the first sign of trouble looms.

Everone has a different situation and for some an affair is the indication of lots of accumulating problems in a marriage but I've learned it can also be the outlet for a problem, an inner problem within one partner.

It is certainly not the easy choice to make a go of it but earnests story and countless others all ave similar traits- often it's the man at acertain time in his life, in a long term, otherwise good relationship- he "loses the plot " big time and then eventually wakes up. The problem is it can sometimes take so long for him to realise what's going on the damage is too great by the end to come back from there- very sad!

Earnest , make changes, make time for each other- try to see this as a chance to look afresh at your relationship. We realised we'd let "life" get in the way of "us" and without knowing before we saw it we had stopped communicating in the way we used to we had stopped leaning on each other. It's no excuse for what my dh did but I had to try and make some sense of it and you want to make things better.It takes time- you will have 3 steps forwars 2 back times and you will have times of doubt ( the main thing is doubt that you can actually move on) you can but it is slow- look for help, together and alone. We did seperate counselling which helped us decide in our own minds what we felt and wanted- it's also a good outlet for all the destructive emotions! We then found we were able together to strat talking about all the issues- it was painful but healing and we still have to do it 3 yearson every so often.

I don't regret taking that leap of faith agin to try keep us going- we are closer now. Keep talking and be honest with each other especailly about your feelings. he has to understand the true extent of your pain and it sounds as if he's had that "wake up moment" like my dh did-good luck you truely deserve this to work.

thanks you lot. I totally agree with you, in that so many people seem to be in such a rush to just call it a day. Like you, this was the 1st real problem in our marriage so why on earth would I just chuck it all in at the 1st sign of trouble? OK, an affair is a big sign, but still.

Like he said the other night, he, and I , can't believe that 4 weeks ago we were seriously talking about divorce, I mean, I've even got all the forms! It seemed like THE way forward. Indeed, I think it's got to the point where society expects you to head for divorce after infidelity. Countless people have said to me or I've read saying to others in similar situations that an affair would bedef. divorce, there's no way they could forgive/move on from that. Of course some people are speaking hypothetically and are, up till now, lucky enough to not be on the receiving end so to speak, but i think having fixed ideas about how you would react in a given situation must cloud your judgment if & when that happens. I must say, I've occasionally wondered in the past what I would do, and I've never been sure. I never had that fixed 'definitely all over' mindset, so maybe that's helped.

But while it's still early days, and you don't know what's round the corner etc I do feel optimistic, especially as, since his 'damascus' moment, he is so different and I feel he has finally come to his senses, I feel optomistic about our future.

Like you said, I think many men do finally realise, but for them, and/or their spouse, it's too late. My neighbour being an excellent example, where he palyed around, wouldn't give up the OW, went on to have 2 more, got arsey about money, said he wanted the house for him & she & the kids would have to move to rented flat etc etc. NOW he's woken up, begging & begging for her to take him back. He DID wake up, despite all his 'fun' he finally realised the wife, kids, family was what he wanted all along. But it's just too late. He did too much & too too long to wake up.

Your points about not working at marriage/ giving in too easily etc are made also in the book that someone recommended to me at the start of this, 'Divorce Busting' by Michele Weiner-Davis. She also points out that while we accept all sort of BIG problems can be part of parenthood, that we love our children unconditionally, and it's extremely rare/unusual to hear of parents abandoning thier children, even as old teens/adults, and only then after probably years of struggling to redeem the relationship, most people will give up on the marriage after say 1 big 'event' (affair) or only spend a few months trying before they throw in the towel, and yet these are the people we've actively chosen. Plus, the problems we have with 1 spouse are often repeated in future relationship. So if trust is an issue with man a, it's also likely to be with man b, so why not try to resolve the issue with man a in the first place?

anyway, phew. That was long.

Must get on with cv.

good luck to all others in this not very fun situation. and thanks to all those again, it's an interesting topic actually. isn't it?

It certainly is an interesting topic Ernest and, its made evn more interesting hearing the view points of others.

Ive been doing a lot of thinking on this subject and I really do believe it boils down to the husband/partner feeling 'emasculated' (for want of a better phrase) by the confines of marriage, babies, responsibilites. I think maybe a lot of the time they have no actual interest in the OW, it's not about her or the sex, it's more about the feelings of being a 'man' again. He uses the OW to resurect the feelings within himself that he once had with his wife. He enjoys the power and control he has over the situation.

Meanwhile, his wife is left believing the affair was her fault, that she is to balme. She feels she may not be slim enough, attractive enough, interesting enough. This woman is left shattered, insecure and broken. All because of the selfish, thoughtless actions of her husbands need to boost and feed his ego.

So, she works hard to change, to change the marriage, to change herself, to do whatever it takes to keep the relationship together. And most of the time the husband just lets her. So once again, the loving wife is left to 'tidy up' the mess he made.
Somehow, he ends up the victim.

I wonder why, during a crisis, men find it so difficult to talk, to open up to the women who love and support them through everything. I wonder why they feel admitting they are having a hard time is a weakness. I wonder ahy they find it easier to jump into the bed of another woman, hit the bottle or the casino than talk to the women they proclaim to love.

You're doing really well ernest keep going.

Too many people walk away without even trying and that is sad, oh divorce is far to easy, (although some like my SIL hang in there tell all and sundry what a saint she is for not divorcing him and all the while he was still playing around, in fact he had 4 affairs before he left her in the end and all the while people were telling her he was not worth it.)

I think your DH is now seeing that the office slut was/is just that.
And the fact you have been strong and not some silly weak begging woman has been a wake up call for him.

I wish you all the luck in the world, (and I am sure your thread will get a mention to everyone going through what you have as you have and are coping so well)

I think, though, you have to feel you are able to call it a day, and be prepared to end it if necessary, so that you're in a position of strength when you make your decision whether to forgive (again) or give up. Everyone makes mistakes, sometimes great big stonking mistakes. Forgiving is not necessarily the same as letting them get away with it. But you have to be strong so you can make the choice, not have it made for you by your economic circumstances or your man's whim - and, sadly, so that you can walk away in the end if it really doesn't work out however hard you tried.

I'm possibly a little bitter because the last straw in my soon-to-be-ex marriage was his inability to forgive an affair. The fact that I didn't actually have one is neither here nor there.

Ifonly I think as many women commit adultery as men but women get found out less because they're cleverer at hiding it or so a survey in the Times this year found.

I certainly agree with ernest that people give up too easily. I think I could have coped with my exhusband being unfaithful, would have much preferred it to how he was which became unbearable but I think it depends on the man or woman what you're prepared to tolerate. The man I met for a drink (and I didn't meet again) explained he was married but had an understanding with his wife, would never ever leave her or the children. What am I supposed to do in that situation assuming I was remotely interested? Call her up to check what he says? Presented with "I will either leave you and all the children destitute and you'll never see me again or sanction my having bits on the side as long as I don't flaunt them in your face" perhaps her agreement was not realy agreement at all.

And look at Senor Bersculoni - had publicly to apologise to his wife for his mere "bagatelles" and then photographed this week with 5 girls holding hands, them sitting on his knee. For many women and some men it's the public flaunting of it which is worse than the actually sex act which may mean nothing at all.

Or... men get found out more because women are cleverer at sussing these things out

Hi Ernest

How are things? How is the CV coming along? I hope all is still ok and continuing to get better for you

iohw, you are an angel

Dh helped me finish the bloody thing off last night, so I have now officially applied for 3 jobs

Am stressed to the hilt as pill arrive in a couple of hours, still not finished cleaning, still not finished packing, still not even thought about dinner I bloody hate making dinner.

But it's done. FIll filled with terror.

Will let you know.

Fingers crossed for good week with in laws. Well, and dh too of course.

hope you're well. My brain's turned to mush and am unable to hold a thought.

Oh, and all jobs in CH.

Well done you!!

I'm sure i won't be th eonly one who is proud of you! I will keep my fingers crossed regarding the job applications, i'm really excited for you!!

Ok, so get a takeaway for dinner, or better still get DH to take you out for a nice meal. Don't worry about the cleaning, no one ever notices what has been done so they propbably won't notice that you haven't done it and, chill

It's really good to 'hear' you sounding so positive! xx

Hi Ernest,
Glad to hear things sounding better, am really pleased for you. Sorry not been posting, but not been online for a few days.

I've always thought that an affair needn't mean divorce, though have never told my husband that for obvious reasons. I really think it can be a starting point for a strong new future together, and it does sound as though you guys are well on the way to that.

Take care, and best of luck with the job applications! xx

Don't know if anyone cleverer than I am can make this a proper link but the FT magazine has an interesting article on affairs today - www.ft.com/cms/s/8f762472-efa5-11db-a64e-000b5df10621.html

Lots of stats too - in the UK 9.3% of men admit to adultery and Switzerland 3%.

Hi all, just popping in to say we had a fab holiday. Hotel was brilliant. i am quite fussy and this was the 1st time I think that not 1 little thing pissed me off! The food, staff, facilities were all fantastic. And dh was good too. i only had a couple of wobbles and he for once was very reassuring. Now packing for UK trip (tomorrow) and feel rather scared but a bit better about it. WIll be glad to be back tho