ernest et al - how to get over the affair

[ernest]

Loads of people gave me brilliant advice when I found out a couple of weeks ago that dh was having an affair.

I since read loads of others on here in similar situaion.

So for you lot who've survived, or are simply a bit further down the line, can you help me out, and the others just starting out on this journey?

My problem is that I was really happy when he came back (at my invitaion) after being away for the week (at my insistance). I eflt really positive that we should stay together, that we could fix it, that our marriage was too important, that something positive could come out of the horrible situation. The first weekend was great, we had great time as family, went out just us two.

But I'm finding it really difficult now he's back at work. I need constant reassurance, which he's trying with but still just doesn't feel enough, eg he'll phone or sms, at my request, a couple of times in the day, not to 'check up on him', after all, he ould be anywhere, just to feel reassurance. But it just doesn't feel enough. I need him to say he's happy to be back, that he made a mistake, that he loves me, all that stuff but he doesn't, he has done, but only under prompting.

I worry that he regrets finishing with her, that he loves and misses her, that part of him is still with her, that he thinks of her. It's really doing my head in.

How do you move past this? Do others feel the same as this? How do you cope? He says it all feels so 'normal' again already, but is that not bad? After all 'normal' led to his affair?

How do you get over affair

MLS fantastic advice. We all too often think about others first. There are so many things you can do.
It does get easier - once i had stopped fighting so hard to keep us together i started noticing the important things in life again. It sounds so stupid but just watching the children grow daily and being abot to share in all that. I also stopped the car one day to watch some birds and saw a beauiful phesant pass by. Not everyone gets the chance to really enjoy the simple pleasures in life - we forget what it is we are working for.

Each day find something to make you smile and remember it - write it down if you have to. I try and make someone smile everyday now and it is amazing how good that makes you feel. It is things like that which define who we are not who we are married to and where we live ect. We all know this but it gets forgotten amongst all the crap.

Be kind to yourself and know you will cope with this and be stronger at the end of it all (something i didnt believe of myself 6 months ago!!)

What a lovely post hurtwife, and so true.

He just phoned. Not good. I told him that if this was the end of the probationary period, then I'd call it a day & he said to be honest he would too

He says he feels like he's doing everything he can and that he half feels I expect him to throw himself at my feet oand beg for forgiveness. (I do, metaphorically speaking).

He doesn't get it.

It doesn't feel like he loves me, even tho he says he does. The good times have been ok-good, the any disagreement turns into something big and black and scary, a major argument.

HW tHat made me laugh "The classic was well i am here arent i tell me what i need to do to reasure you? I always felt he never 'got it'.". He has basically said those exact words to me. And no, he doesn't get it. Do I have to throw him out to make him get it. or accept he's probably never going to get it? How do I help him to 'get it'?

I feel sick.

As far as I know, he hasn't talked to anyone about this (told his best mate he was having an affair, and then that it'd ended, but no other conversations) I wish in a way he would becase it might help him see sense.

mls thanks for your words. prob is they will never be in school full time, well, maybe at secondary school level, except the lunches, there are no school lunches, but for at least the next 7 years or so I'll still have kidsa t home with no afternoon school. God I can't see a bigger picture, just a very very high brick wall all around me.

And I'm not being the mum they need, I'm miserable, crushed, depressed, avoiding them, snappy and plain fucking evil.

oh ernest you're fantastic please don't think of yourself that way

your husband is being a thoughtless sh* at the moment. I hate to say that but I'm so for you.

Yes he should be throwing himself at your feet. Yes he should be begging forgiveness. Yes there is a hell of a lot more he could be doing - and not going on nights out is one of those things!

I really do think men have no idea of the impact or seriousness of what they've done and what you've been through because of it. And you're supposed to get over it in 2 weeks

I agree he needs someone to talk to. My dh didn't talk to anyone or confide in anyone. That made it harder for him to deal with. And also he didn't have any voice of reason telling him to sort himself out! Just the ow telling him she loved him!

Is there anyone at all you can get him to speak to? To help him. And to also make him see sense before it's too late?

xx

Also I take back my advice about the longer term planning. I think I was wrong. That's too much right now. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Try to do what I'm doing and just take each day as it comes. Worry about tomorrow when it arrives. Just think - 'what can I do to make today better and what can I do to help me feel better right now?'.
Then do whatever it takes.

Perhaps start with playing outside with the children and getting some fresh air?

Prepare a nice meal for tonight maybe? Pour yourself a glass of wine?

I would even go so far as to text or e-mail dh and if it were me.... I'd say 'I love you very much and I know this is a difficult time for both of us and we're both struggling to understand each other's feelings. But if we stick together and work at it toether we can get through this and nothing will come between us ever again. I have got your favourite wine/dinner for this evening and hopefully we can have a good talk about what we can both start to do to make things right, and how we will both make each other happy again. I can't wait for our holiday so we can have some quality time together.'...

You're probably thinking what the hell is MLS going on about!! But if you do decide to go with that option, it will throw him off guard. I did it with dh. After the constant crying, upset, shouting I just changed approach. It worked wonders. I kept focussing on our love and marriage, and ensured we had plenty of situations where he had to talk and tell me the things he would do to make it better. It helped to change the focus and stop me getting even more hurt by nasty arguments.

I'm not saying forget your hurt or anger or sadness for a minute. But use it in a way to get you some more positive results. The arguments and fighting are tearing you apart. For your own sanity it may help to try to look at things a different way.

(By the way if you disagree then feel free to ignore it all! All I want to do is send you hugs. But practical suggestions and ideas are what you need right now so that you can see there is a way forward.)

{{{{{ hugs }}}}}

WoW MLS! what a brilliant post, fantastic. Hope it helps you ernest, MLS is well worth listening to!

Ernest

You are doing a good job - the children will learn from you what real emmotions are. I struggled with the fact that i would mess them up - but i now realise that it is us who are being honest and teaching morals and how not to treat people. They will not suffer just becasue at the moment you are not on top of it all, they will learn that at times it is ok to ask for and accept help.

My h did not tell anyone either - maybe it is shame or guilt. He now goes to counselling together and alone and it has really helped him. See if any of this rings bells too - he doesnt want to take time off work or get them involved in any way. He just wants to forget the whole thing.

I know exactly what you are feeling - on one hand you want him beg your forgiveness and on the other you want to be the strong independent woman who actually does not need any reassurances. You know that demanding he tell you everything will just push him away and turn you into the type of person you dont want to be.

Oh this is so hard for you - he has to know how you feel and feel it too.

My h says every night instead of prayers how lucky he is and how sorry and then says oh why did i do it. It now hurts me to see him in pain and so we have a cuddle and focus on all the good times we still have to come. Thats not to say we will ever forget this time we have decided to keep it in the past.

Something else which was advice i could or would not take is to live for the moment more. I found this very hard becasue everything you have worked so hard to build together has gone. - so how can you live for now? With little steps to improve the person you are.

Your husband has had the oppotunity to end it all but hasnt - so that is good, he kept the affair a secret from you because he didnt want to lose you (so she wasnt that good then!!).

Men are funny creatures i just hope that yours is similar to mine and that one day the light will go on and instead of keeping his emotions locked away they will come flooding out and you can then move on.

You are so strong and capable - men are made to keep their emotions hidden because they just would not be able to cope with what you are now going through.

much love to you all

Hi Ernest,

God, I'm so sorry things are so difficult for you just now.

I completely understand the thing about him not 'getting it'. I don't honestly think that many men do get it, and that they can't give us what we want them to in this way. It's not spite, bad intent or anything, just that they can't. I don't like this, think it's rubbish, but I've come to understand this from my dh - and you know the score there at the moment.

I agree you should try and get him to talk to his best mate. If his mate is someone you know to be a real mate, and trustworthy, then it would do him the world of good. I'm pushing mine into doing this as I think it will help. I think his mate will tell him to stop being such an arse and get his act together. They don't talk to others like we do - imagine a dadsnet with a relationships section, it'd just be...well, not going to go there, before someone takes offence, but you get my drift

Fab, fab advice on this thread, especially from mylittlestar and hurtwife. You can get through this. You are still a wonderful mother, don't worry about that. Your h is still there with you because he wants you, not the ow. He is embarassed, angry with himself, unsure and I'm sure trying to prove himself, but just not in the same way that we would try to prove ourselves to them. He had an out, and he didn't take it - remember that.

Thinking of you. I really hope you're okay. Fingers crossed for the test tomorrow. Love and hugs xxx

well, morning all. I was hoping to shake my head and exclaim that I don't know how I got so down yesterday and give a silly girly laugh.

But I'm afraid bad start again.

He came home last night. Had (yet another) long talk, at his instigation. Some good things were said. But, on Sunday I'd said to him that it was doing my head in that just 3 weeks ago he was writing passionate love emails to another woman etc. Last night, in the spirit of hoestly he answered that fully. He said he wasn't înlove with her anymore, but he still 'had feelings for her'. He was not ready yet or able to say (his words) that he regretted itor that it was a mistake. This is what is now eating away at me big time. We spoke for hours, but this is all I have in my head now. He did say he was very sorry for how much he'd hurt me and what he's done to me.

I know, logically speaking, if he had been 'in love with her', then 3 weeks later of course he has feelings still. But it still bloody hurts like hell to hear it. But the fact he doesn't regret it, Like a kick in the stomach tbh. Hurtwife, your dh sounds so similar - how does this sound to you?

On the one hand I know I should deal with it, but I don't know how.

Anyway, this morning, he came up to me and said 'you look really sad' and that made me cry. He put his arms round me for - a nano second and said he had to get ready and went upstairs but I could tell he was pissed off.
As he was leaving I aske if he knew why I was sad, not to play games, but to check if he could work it out. He supplied the 1st bit (feelings still for her) so I had to explain 2nd bit (not regretful) he got pissed off and stomped out of the house slamming the door.

So, I know I have to deal with this somehow, and as someone said earlier (sorry, can't remember who) I don't want to turn into totally clingy desperate woman whose actions end up pushing him away, which is what has happened this morning. I guess he feels he's being 'punished' for being honest. I know he's chosen to stay, and that he will still have feelings for her. But I don't know how to deal with that.

Went swimming with the boys yesterday afternoon, so I felt better, because I was out of the house, had my mind distracted and also wasn't being evil to my poor kids for a change, and we're going to go again this afternoon. Bloody hard work with 3 tho.

Oh, and I guess the top news story - did a test - BFN! Hooray. Hope it's definitely not too soon, and I can trust this.

Oh Ernest

Well i did say you would get through yesterday and you did. It does sound as if you are where i was in Dec (which was 2 months down the line) - but like i said it was still carrying on then! We were even going to counselling and everything. I thought he had done enough lying but there were still so many more. For what ever reason he just couldnt give her up.

I would still say folllow your gut instinct. Are you able to check up on him? Do you really want to catch him out? Do you have a plan if he is not being honest?

It took ME ages to really get it too. You know you cannot live like this much longer it is just bringing you down. No one should have to live like this.

They talk about an affair starting when 'needs' are not meet. Well your needs are not being met are they at the moment. I know you are scared to take control but you really must to show him you will not tolerate feeling like this.

Stop worrying that he is pissed off - remember he did not worry when he was hurting you.

If your marriage is strong it will survive this and you will feel so much stonger too. It took for me to go and see a solicitor (which was one of the hardest things i did - my marriage came down to 2 pieces of paper in the end).

I too was just like you in that i was 'waiting' for him to make the decision. He did and went back to her. It was at that point that i felt i had lost and actually stopped fighting. I cried loads for the relationship i had lost at that point but knew it could really not get any worse. Then about a week later he turned up and really begged and begged for me to take him back. It was a slow process but i somehow knew he meant it - he was different how i expected him to be. The anger had gone i was and still am able to ask any questions of him. He now sometimes has a sad time where he is scared at how close he came.

Just like you while he had not finished it i thought he was being honest by saying he still had feelings for her and that he felt sorry for her ect. Now although he feels sorry for the hurt he has caused i believe he feels it was her choice to carry on and she knew the risks - his loalty is firmly with me and his family.

It will be tough but he HAS to know that you cannot carry on like this. You know deep down this is not what you want. You are hopping that it will change and that he will get it - but what if he doesnt ever get it? Then what?

It may be that he is just putting it all out of his mind and trying to carry on at work. But again he has destroyed your marriage and he has to work to build it again. My h was lucky in that work supported him and have let him have some time off. If i am honest at first he asked for the time off not repair us but to prepare for the fallout of the seperation.

Is he able to take some time off? would his work support him with family matters? He is probably under huge strain too (but that is not your problem). Work probably already know too and it is their interests for him to be settled too - but he needs to be honest with them too.

Sorry to say but i think he is still so very confused about what he wants. He is just not prepared to give you up yet. I think once he KNOWS what he wants he will be able to show you and give you what you want.

Sorry this is probably not what you want to hear but it is what you fear in your heart i bet. You will get through this whatever and you will be happy again. Just get through today for now.

Now plan something to look forward to today and try and do it with a smile.

Lots of hugs - so sorry you are here but it will get better it has too.

Oh Ernest my heart goes out to you and I completely understand where you're coming from.

I had a discussion with dh last night as one of the things that was hurting me was that for the last few months, she came before me and ds, in every way. I was putting him first. He was putting her first. That thought tears me apart. He tried to answer honestly and reassure me that was in the past now. But then I got all upset again and seemed to push him away more. Then he didn't know how to deal with it and went off upset himeslf.

It's like a vicious circle. I push for honesty and explanations. I get them. It hurts me more. Then he retreats because he feels even more guilty about what he's done.
I don't know how to break this yet.

I guess this will be the same for your dh. He's not in love with her anymore. But he IS in love with you. That's what really matters.

Perhaps he cannot regret it as it was something he needed to get out of his system to to speak (not that it's any sort of excuse) but in some way perhaps it was something he needed to do so that ultimately he has it confirmed that what he really wants is to be with you.

As we've said before, men often have exactly what they want, they just push us away to the point of losing us before they actually realise it.

He may not regret that relationship (yet - he will one day!). But I think they key thing is though, does he regret doing this to you? Does he regret what he's put you through? If he regrets that then you have a lot to build on. If he doesn't care, then I'd seriously want to understand why.

Good that you're getting out with the boys too. Swimming with 3 must be very hard work! At least you're all having fum though and remembering that you can have good times, no matter what

xx

Well done you on going out yesterday. That what seems easy done at this time can be the hardest thing in the world. I remember just wanting to go to bed and never get up again. Sadly the world doesn't stop and neither do your kids needs when something as awful as this happens.
As MLS said does he feel guilty for what he has done to you ?
I know when i went through this there came a time when someone said to me if you are prepared to take him back and forgive him then you have to stop going back to this situation and move on. Yes talk about your future, what you want and your needs and also his but move on from the affair as it cannot be taken back and every time you confront him with it you are also as you say 'punishing him for being honest'. This was hard to hear and also hard to do. I then told him that night that he had to answer every question i had honestly then give me some time to deal with it all( not sure how long i said) and then if i could we would move on and i would do my best to not bring it up anymore. In an odd way it sort of gave me back control over the situation and he could see an end to it too but in my situation that was what he wanted.
I not sure if this is right for you and you are very right to still be very hurt and cross and angry but you really need to work this through together and you can't whilst your pushing each other away. You will get through this and remember it takes time and patience but most of all love and that has to be two ways.

Ernest I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.
Do you feel like you are picking at a scab that you desperately want to heal but can't leave alone?
He has told you he was in love with her, he has told you he is not regretful and he is being honest with you. As much as you want to and need to hear him say otherwise he is not going to as that would be a lie.
I would think he is sorry for the hurt he has brought to you and his family but if he did have feelings for her (all be it a cheap and happy nag free fuck) they are not going to go over night.

Yes he has a lot of rebuilding to do and you will not trust him for a long time to come, but if you both keep going over the same old ground you are not going to get anywhere forward for a long time.
He may even see it as his little fantasy shag with the office slut was so carefree and easy (as is the office slut) and making a marriage work is too much like hard work.

I know he did wrong and you are the one carrying the pain and shame and anger, but I would think he is hurting too (as he should be) and men are bloody useless at dealing with emotion as it is.
Good luck and stay strong. xx

ok, feeling mini bit better, ta for your messages, they are really really helping. Anyway, to answer a q a few of you have asked, he HAS said he really regrets hurting me, and hwat he's done to me and I believe that.

I sms him this am to say he shouldn't be pissed off with me for feeling sad.

He called back and says he wasn't... hhhmmmm..... , that he was committed to making this work, I said when he didn't regret his affair it made me more ocncerned he'd go back to her. He said if we both give 100% to making this work, then he wouldn't need or want to do that, and that he thought we could do it.

I don't suppose I'll get any better than that, so I treated myself to some new shoes (expensive Tommy Hilfiger ones, not something I've ever bought before, but he complains many times I'm a 'pikey' cos I try to hunt out bargains or buy stuff that's iho too cheap, so sod it, designer expensive here I come.) And I'm going to try and do as you've all said and try not to look back, but look forward. It's a long weekend here coming up (not school hols tho) so I've booked us into a hotel in Heidelberg, so I thought a few days away would be good for us.

And I'm def. going out with boys this pm. Ta again. Your words are really helping me fight my way through this dark cloud

As they say Ernest small steps forwards are the only way. From what you say then he does sound as if he wants to try and if you choose to then forwards is the only way. Have a lovely afternoon with the boys and the trip away will help i'm sure. Just try to focus on the nice things about the weekend. Talk about the future etc. and try as hard as you can to focus on all the reasons why you want this to work.

That's good news it really does sound like he wants it to work.

Good idea about the hotel at the weekend too.

I'd agree with lily and try to focus on doing nice things. Just try to direct your thoughts and discussions to the reasons why you're together and how you are both going to have a fantastic future together.

And good on your for the shoes! I bought 3 pairs within a week of finding out about dh - and I'm sure that's what got me through it!

xx

Thing is ernest, men can't handle their own shame, when they feel ashamed of their behaviour it makes them feel bad, then when they see us hurting, and they know they are the ones that caused it, it makes them feel even more ashamed. So, to cut a long story short, they want us to be all happy and smiley so they don't feel ashamed, if they don't feel ashamed then they don't feel bad and thy are more open to communication. When they se us cry it puts their defences up even more. Yes, you got it, because it makes them feel ashamed.

Ernest, that's great news about the pg test. Sorry you are having a tough couple of days. It sounds as though your husband does want to be with you. Also seems to me that he's good at putting this into words, ie. the texts he's sent you, but that he is somewhat less good at putting this into actions just yet, like the touching, cuddling etc. I would guess that this is completely normal at this stage. Emotions are still so raw, obviously, and he finds it easier to tell you how he really feels in a verbal way.

Oh, and I really don't think he could have been in love with the ow. In lust, a bit obsessed with, flattered by - but not in love, really. Nothing like what you two have. Maybe he even thinks he was, and he might think it sounds better to say that he was - you know, it wasn't just for a quick shag.....

The other thing of "Well I'm here, aren't I, what else do you want me to do to reassure you?" struck a chord. In the past few weeks when things haven't been so good, and I've asked dh if he's okay, that's more or less what he's said to me. As I've said in my thread, my husband is terrible at talking about feelings, and to him, his very presence there, is a big statement and I should read miles into it. Of course I don't, and want declarations and gestures, but he's never been like that - he's there, and that's that.

Bloody men

How's today going?

oh, and TOTALLY agree with ifonlyhewould's post there!!! Absolutely spot on!

feel a lot better tonight ta. Like I said, went shopping, so got out of house. Had positive phone call with dh,
and he's called a few times today, so clearly making the effort, plus forwarded an email inviting him to a poker night tomorrow, with his replying turning it down, so again, showing me he's making the effort.

He's suggested buying a holiday home in London, so dunno if we can afford it, but that's something to work on together. And it'll be exciting being able to pop over to UK more. Plus it seems like a positive sign for our future that he wants to do something like that.

So miles better.

Can't believe how bad yesterday was, and how much better things seem this afternnon.

Thats really good news ernest

I think sometimes, when we aren't getting the response we want, our minds go into overdrive and we imagine allsorts!! Meanwhile, the OH is blissfully unaware of all these rogue thoughts, then when he pops his head up he is fired at with both barrels and wonders what the hell is going on

Your DH seems to being doing his best for you in his own way. I'm so pleased he is ocming through for you and you are feeling much better. Would you like to change your tattoo now xx

Ernest, really glad things are looking up, that's fab news. Let's hope tomorrow is even better

Hope you still feeling brighter Ernest today.

yup, feeling better today. Got my saucy top on

ok guys, posting this on other thread as well to try and get seen. Really need advice.

Things been going well between us. Looking forward to the holiday - it's aleady com round & pil arrive on Friday & we go on Saturday.
Went out with dh on Friday night for a meal, he took me to a really nice restaurant, obviously put effort into choice etc. Had lovely night. Told him that I was starting to feel 'normal', or calmer or less terrified or however you want to look at it.

During the week we'd had a couple of setbacks. He found out I'd told his sister & was furious with me, not just that I'd told her, but that I hadn't been honest, that I'd lied to him , and a 2nd occsion where Iwas supposed to go out last Thursday night, and my friend had literally, 5 minutes before we were to meet, rang up and ditched me cos she had a date with some bloke and she'd forgotten, and I didn't want to admit to being a dumped bill-no-mates, so went out on my own, read my book for 2 hours then came back and didn't let on. So anyway, while he was ranting on about me not being honest enough about having told his siter, I told him I'd infact been stood up and gone out on me own. blah blah me telling lies, supposed to be fresh start based on honesty, me duly apologetic etc etc.

Anyway, last night I have nightmares about him & her. Wake up feeling down. Go down & look at his phone - last number dialled - hers.

He claims just about work. That there hasn't been any more contact, Does however say he's finding it really difficult to get over his strong feelings, I point out sectretly contacting her won't help to dull the loss etc etc.

So what do I do. There are only so many lies I can tolerate. The fact that he's spoken about how hard he's finding it to get over her is terrible. I do believe on the one hand he wants to. but on the other I have my sanity and self repect to think of. I am so depressed by this latet twist. I thought last week had been good.

If it is true that he wants to get over her (he has today suggested his feelings are stronger than I believed say 2 weeks ago) How does one get over someone like this? He hasn't done anything. I said I'm sick of words, if it's true I need him to be proactive, not passively drooping around.

Help please