ernest et al - how to get over the affair

[ernest]

Loads of people gave me brilliant advice when I found out a couple of weeks ago that dh was having an affair.

I since read loads of others on here in similar situaion.

So for you lot who've survived, or are simply a bit further down the line, can you help me out, and the others just starting out on this journey?

My problem is that I was really happy when he came back (at my invitaion) after being away for the week (at my insistance). I eflt really positive that we should stay together, that we could fix it, that our marriage was too important, that something positive could come out of the horrible situation. The first weekend was great, we had great time as family, went out just us two.

But I'm finding it really difficult now he's back at work. I need constant reassurance, which he's trying with but still just doesn't feel enough, eg he'll phone or sms, at my request, a couple of times in the day, not to 'check up on him', after all, he ould be anywhere, just to feel reassurance. But it just doesn't feel enough. I need him to say he's happy to be back, that he made a mistake, that he loves me, all that stuff but he doesn't, he has done, but only under prompting.

I worry that he regrets finishing with her, that he loves and misses her, that part of him is still with her, that he thinks of her. It's really doing my head in.

How do you move past this? Do others feel the same as this? How do you cope? He says it all feels so 'normal' again already, but is that not bad? After all 'normal' led to his affair?

How do you get over affair

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She used to work for him, now she's changed jobs, different company, different town, same field. He needed to discuss work, needed a contact so turned to her.

I say, he's going to be working for maybe the next 30 years, he needs to find someone else to talk to, how do you give up smoking if you keep having theoccasional fag? How is their 'love' supposed to deminish if he keeps stoking the embers?

In theory he never has to see her again. but then he says that people in the office still meet up and have lunch with her, so people around him talk about her etc.

I agree, ernest he can shut tf up about lies from YOU given that HE'S the one who had the affair.

I meant I agree he must never contact her again. He HAS to stop it.

ernest im so sorry for what you are going through, i cant imagine how you must feel and i have been following your thread thinking you have handled yourself very well in what is a nightmare situation.

this is the first time i have posted on your thread and my advice is prob total bollocks cause i have never been in your position but here goes.

i think he is taking the total piss, i cant see how the 2 of you can get this sorted if he is admitting all these feelings for her and then still calling her, how can you ever move on if you are thinking that he can be in touch with her again at anytime. he really needs to get his self sorted out, and as for being angry about you telling his sister, he should realise that you need to talk through this mess with someone.

ernest i can totally relate to all of this. dh went absolutely mad at me for telling my best mate about our situation (as he's good friends with her too) and i made it really clear that he had no right to tell me who i could and couldn't talk this through with. i said he was bloody lucky i hadn't shouted it from the rooftops and told every person we know what a lying cheating coward he was.

how dare he

have also had a very similar set back in the last week. don't want to go into it here but i can CAT you if you want.

the fact is, your dh knows the extent of his lies and betrayal. and knows what he's capable of. therefore he's projecting that onto you. it's totally unreasonable and unfair. but i think it's part of the healing process.

as for the call. if they weren't working in separate firms now i'd insist on the change. as things are, i think you're 100% right in expecting that NO MORE CONTACT means just that!
there will be hundreds of new colleagues and contacts he can make. he does not need her. full stop.

ok so he has feelings for her. but what about his feelings for his own wife!!!
he needs to decide once and for all on his priorities. however difficult it is for him to get over the affair, don't hesitate to remind him that it's 1000 more times more difficult for you. he got himself into this situation. is he now man enough to get himself out of it?

he really must agree to no more contact. how will you get through your week apart otherwise. will he agree to this? if so, will he agree to you having access to his e-mails / phone bills so that you can be absolutely certain.
(i know this isn't a long term solution. but the least you deserve is for him to do whatever it takes to put your mind at rest. for now at least.)

whenever he misses her. remembers his feelings for her. tell him to remind himself of his feelings for his wife and children and contact/kiss/cuddle YOU instead!!!

for you

but you can get through this. i think this is part of the cycle that we will go through in the coming weeks and months. our situations are so similar. and we've got through something like this in the last few days.

i know how hard it is though. and how draining it is.

stay strong. you've been amazing so far xx

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i really have to rush off now but i'll try to get back on later

i really hope you're ok

the lies haven't stopped here either. i know exactly how you feel.

but we will get through it xx

ernest- my heart goes out to you as I know the torment you are going through now.

My dh was similar after I found out about the affair it took him several months to completley come to his senses and stop ALL contact with her. He only did this after he'd put himself in counselling and sorted his head out- at first he lied to me, kept seeing her emailing her phone etc (the sex had stopped- not that that made any difference by then!) he was totally arogant and blinkered by his feelings for her he told me they had no contact and I just knew things still weren't right- it came to a head he left to go to her- he came back the next day-it was almost as if he couldn't get out of the fantasy he'd created until he made a crisis happen and reality hit so hard- after that he said he needed to get his head right and went to counselling. there he realised there was no half way house - you can't have this "just good friends" it doesn't work.He was doing himself no favours trying still to support her he was literally doing his head in because the reality could'nt let the fantasy survive.

For me I stuck with him- ironically when I found out the true extent of what had been going on he had by then already "turned the corner" and was sharing all contact with me regarding her (she wouldn't go away at first became a bit of a "bunny boiler"- in the end that brought us closer dealing with her together) Had I know at the time I don't think we would have stayed together. There comes a opoint when you say to yourself i've done nothin wrong, I've supported you through all this pain and you still lie and decieve- I'd got to the point of about to go get divorce papers from our local county court. He turned the corner just in time!

For you- all I can say is you have to make it clear just how damaging any contact with her is to you as a couple ever getting past this. There have to be no more secrets- it can't work otherwise. i'm sorry to say you may have to face a crisis before he totally gets it! He's done the wrong he's still doing it in keeping in contact with her and hiding that fact from you. The sad thing is in a few months down the line he will probably see the sense in what you are saying the problem is at the moment his actions are so destructive to your relationship it may be too late by then.

I didn't issue an ultimatum (me or her) because I wanted him to be with me because HE wanted to be- he pushed me to the brink and came right just in time. I did make it clear there was no half way house- it's not even the jealsousy factor it's the damage the third person does to trust there is no way you can start to rebuild trust until she's out of the picture- no contact (if he must have some through work - but it sounds as if it's not a necessity- he must always tell you)
We did get through it but like you it got worse before it got better- only you can say how much you are prepared to wait for him to come to his senses- perhaps you do need to push him to that crisis- does he really know what he's risking? I don't think he does- you needto spell it out.
Hugs xxx

by the way you tell wjoever you need to to help you get through this he has NO RIGHT OF PRIVACY in this matter- he gave that right up the day he overstepped the mark!

You know reading your and lMLstar's comments now it's as if the men have a manual they all follow because they've all gone through the same redoculus lies and reactions!!!!!

the bottom line is they did wrong they hve to put it right and thsnk their lucky starts they have strong women who are prepared to work at their marriage.!

It makes me so angry.....I can see now from the other side of this as can my dh now- he can't belive how stupid, arrogant and ignorant he was at the time- he looks back and says it's like someone else was living his life for him then and all the feeling he had he thought they were real at the time but sees now how rediculus they were and h as he says how he "risked so much for so little"

have talked crisis limited, yes pls cat me mls, interested to hear what going on w. you

have CAT you so I'll give you a bit more of an update once you get that

I hope you're doing ok?

maturer they were really good posts. it really helps to hear from people who've been there and got through it. completely understand what you mean about the crisis point and how that's often needed to make them see sense. and that it has to come to that though

He will only get over her if he has no contact with her. He should be happy for you to check his phone if he's making a fresh start with you. Obviously he's going to find it hard and may still feel in love with her so I doubt it's simple for either of you. But if he's chosen you it's not going to help him get over her if he has any contact. The more contact he has the harder it will be for him.

Ernest - have just caught up with your latest post. Can't really add to the excellent advice you've had already except to say that you definitely ARE being proactive and being concerned over the fact that you clearly cannot trust him doesn't make you "drooping around".

He clearly has a lot of ground to cover if he's going to regain your trust. As you said, if it was just about work then he ought to have come clean with you before he made the call. Maturer's experience I think is right on the money for you - he needs to understand that the presumption is he cannot be trusted so he needs to be upfront about everything. His feelings about this woman are irrelevant - he has to make a choice and stick to it otherwise there is no point expecting you to invest all the emotion it will take for you to give your marriage another try.

Do you intend to/have you had any sessions with marriage counselling yet? I think it would perhaps take a third party to make him realise that this type of behaviour is not acceptable.

FWIW - total crap about being angry with you for telling his sister/having some time to yourself. Almost mirrored exactly by MLS's recent experience. Stupid men making stupid excuses for their own stupid mistakes

hi ernest

I have emailed you with an update on everything!

How are things today? Did you manage to talk to dh last night?

(It always strikes me as completely inappropriate that we call them "dear husband" ever never mind when they're commmitting adultery. Reminds me of the North Korean "dear leader" who is anything but dear.)

Very true Xenia...
Perhaps we're using dh in the 'di** head' context for the time being

for you Ernest. Can only agree with all excellent advice yo have had. Def not looking good on the contacting her again. The counselling idea does look good TBH. Do you think there is anything more to the contact with her, usually gut instinct ? Can't believe this after the holiday and the nice week you have had . As for the petty things he is trying to make you feel guilty for he is only trying to appease his conscience.

Hi all, this might be long, more advice needed! Re contacting OW, I do believe him when he said it was for work, but trying to convince him that he doesn't work with her any more and doesn't NEED to contact her. OK, she may have useful knowledge or contacts, but he's going to have to manage without her, in every way.

Most of Sunday given to arguing/talking, yet again. Ended OK. He promised (again) no more contact with The BEAST. He said that for the 1st time he understood why I said that. Up till now he'd not seen any harm in it, thought that after a couple of months, just for work, it would be possible and I was just saying NO WAY out of jealousy or whatever. But I convinced him that keeping in contact will prevent him from getting over her. He finally saw that and agreed, so I felt good on Sunday night that for the 1st time, my gut feeling told me I could believe him this time. But I did feel really down that he was having so much trouble getting over her, and that his feeling seem to be deeper than I thought even when we were in Germany.

Anyway, Monday he wakes up and says he was awake most of the night couldn't sleep, everything going round in his head. He had a bank holiday from work, but kids school still on (Switzerland has funny bank holiday, dpeneding on Kanton & region, & yesterday Zurich city had a bank holiday, so he had day off but kids still at school, so we had a morning just with youngest, then in PM all 3 kad school, KG or playgroup so we had 2 hours alone so went for bike ride. & Yet ANOTHER really long talk.

Basically, he said that as he lay awake he finally 'got it' He didn't love her, it was all fantasy and escapism, he is fed up with his life, doesn't like what he thinks of as our 'suburban living' we actually live on the edge of a village with only trees and fields out the window, but he hates having to drive to an out of town supermrket to do the shopping, he fnds it boring, he would love to live in the middle of London, he misses city life & the bustle, he's fed up with us having no social life. Lots of things he's not happy about, all of them he's mentioned before. He doesn't understand his role. He's fed up with his job but it's proving extremely difficult to change.

All this is worrying and I don't really know how to help him through this, but the positive is that he's realised how much he loves me, that he doesn't love her, that he's so sorry, he even cried last night as he talked even more about it. He does not cry. I can't remember the last time he cried for sure, def at birth of ds1 nearly 8 years ago. He didn't cry when he found out his mum was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. He doesn't cry. But his did last night.

This morning when he went to work I told him I was worried OW would contact him he hugged me and said I don't need to worry about that, and that I don't need to worry about anything any more. I really feel for the 1st time happy. I feel like he's finally woken up, that I've got my husband back. i do worry how to resolve these things that's he's not happy about, which paved the way for the affair in the first place, but at least he's 'back' and we can work on them. And if I have to leave Switzerland, so be it. I will be very sad to leave, but our family unit is more important than where we live. Gulp.

So that's a positive turn isn't it, but doesn anyone know where I being to try and work with him and all those BIG issues? He is actively looking for another job, but aside from that I don't know where to begin, but I know we need to do something, as it was at the root of the current problem. It won't all just magically disappear.

thanks for 'listening'

Hi ernest

I'm really sorry you are going through all this but i am delighted that you feel things have taken a turn for the better. It's so goos to hear you are feeling happy too.

The only thing that worries me from reading your latest post is, it all seems to be about making DH happy. I understand your love for him and your desperate need to do everything to make him happy with his life but, what about Ernest?

Please forgive me if this sounds harsh, i really don't want to burst your bubble but,
DH is unhappy with work, bored, doesn't know his role, etc. Poor man!! So he has an affair. Does this make things better for him? No. But in the process of him having his 'escape' and taste of fantasy he destroys his wife. Who in turn, in an effort to make things better for this poor bored, frustated man, gives up her life to make his better!!

Ernest, before you make any drastic decisions or life changes, especially ones which affect your happiness too, I would suggest baby steps. Maybe he could start by changing his job. In fact, considering everything I would say thats a really good first step!

Be strong!!

ernest,

It does sound positive.

I think you need to now sit down together and paln your future. together. the best for both of you. plan something to look forward to. maybe seriously think about Lodnon - It ain't that bad!! The kids are young - there are great schools - ask many a mumsnetter.

So glad things are looking up.

don't worry, I haven't forgotten about me, and he hasn't either, well, he has for the last 6 months or so but seems to have woken up and rmemembered me, but last night during long talk about him hi h him he did acknowledge it was all so selfish & asked me about me & I just answered that i was happy with mmy life. He found that frustrating, aren't I bored etc etc. I agreed we'de discuss in more depth, but not last night. Tbh no, I'm not 100% happy, inasmuch as this has woken me up to to the way our lives have become boring, probably mine more than his. I do feel trapped. I want to work but am struggling to work out how it's possible.
I guess, I'm happy enough right now, and my kids are my priority. If I work it will effect them hugely. if we move it will effect them hugely. I guess I coud do with change but am too scared to act on it.

TBH I think he'd be happier if I came up with a similar list of things I wasn't happy about. I am bored a bit I guess but not as bored as him, but also more happy and fulfilled with my life. Maybe I've become too mentally lazy or scared.

I can't see how to make changes without upsetting the apple cart. That the advantages we'd gain would be overshadowed by bigger disadvantages.

And is it really wise or even possible to sort out both people at the same time. Say he got a new job, then it might make it impossible for me to get mine, or be too much disruption for the kids.

We've had big changes regularly since we got togehter, new jobs, new babies, emigration, new house etc. Now our youngest is 3.5 & we moved house 2.5 years ago. For me I'd relieved to finally feel settled. For him it's the opposite. No big changes means he's now bored and fed up. But I can't have endless babies and move house every couple of years. He craves change, I crave stability.

How do we make these 2 things work?

Gosh Ernest, thats a tricky one. Compromise is the key here but also, I would say that having children and responsibilities calls for a certain amount of stability. If DH was a single man with none of these responsibilities then yes, he could have the changes and the excitement he craves whenever he wants but that isn't the case.

OK, so he changes jobs, you move house or country, then what? It becomes routine again, once more he will be bored as he will fulfilled his cravings for change. You might find yourself with the same problems all over again.

Does he not fancy taking up an exciting, exhillerating hobby??

From what i have read in your posts Ernest i get the feeling you would be happy if you could find a way to be able to go out to work. Maybe that should be the first point of change. Dh supporting you and helping you to return to work. That is bound to bring about changes in you that can only be for the good, maybe then your happiness and enthusiasm will rub off on him and you will both be more content.

Hi Ernest

Good to hear he has finally turned the corner and started thinking about you too.

Did you husband move about a lot when he was a child, the reason I ask is we moved a fair few times when I was young and I find I get itch feet about every 10 years...have just been through another spell but obviously now with DH, a business and kids at school I cant just up and go anymore.

Surely there is a whole lot of middle ground between moving right into the hub of London and in the "country" - perhaps a compromise somewhere between the two (a rural setting say 20 minutes out of town would work for you both) so you have the day to day life you enjoy, he can work in the hub and a taxi/train gets you a good night out) Obviously it does come down to what you can afford as it would imagine this would come at a high price tag.

no cc, the opposite, I come from a broken home (mum on H 3), moved inumerable times, changed school loads etc etc, his parents moved once when he was 7, still in same house, no divorce on his side, but he went to uni in London, we used to live in London, his mates are in London.

So I had disrupted childhood and infact my whole life, so I crave stability and to be settled, but he had very secure and settled childhood, but he craves the big city and change

That's my fear iohw, I told him I'd support him, but if we do ANOTHER big move/change, then he gets bored, then what? We can't keep doing it. I think he knows this, but that's adding to his frutration & feeling trapped. He himself said he's love to live in the middle of London, but not realistic with kids.

We talked about getting a holiday flat in London. I asked him if he thought this would satisfy his need, and possibly also open the London job market, tho that would be a very difficult and big step given what's happened.

When I mentioned going back to work, he wasn't just supportive. I was a bit taken aback by how enthusiastically he greeted the idea, so I think he actively wants me to, tho as ever, it's what I want. He was talking about it again on Friday and very very supportive and we were supposed to sit down together on Sunday and write letters of application & cv, but yet again events with OW took over.