ernest et al - how to get over the affair

[ernest]

Loads of people gave me brilliant advice when I found out a couple of weeks ago that dh was having an affair.

I since read loads of others on here in similar situaion.

So for you lot who've survived, or are simply a bit further down the line, can you help me out, and the others just starting out on this journey?

My problem is that I was really happy when he came back (at my invitaion) after being away for the week (at my insistance). I eflt really positive that we should stay together, that we could fix it, that our marriage was too important, that something positive could come out of the horrible situation. The first weekend was great, we had great time as family, went out just us two.

But I'm finding it really difficult now he's back at work. I need constant reassurance, which he's trying with but still just doesn't feel enough, eg he'll phone or sms, at my request, a couple of times in the day, not to 'check up on him', after all, he ould be anywhere, just to feel reassurance. But it just doesn't feel enough. I need him to say he's happy to be back, that he made a mistake, that he loves me, all that stuff but he doesn't, he has done, but only under prompting.

I worry that he regrets finishing with her, that he loves and misses her, that part of him is still with her, that he thinks of her. It's really doing my head in.

How do you move past this? Do others feel the same as this? How do you cope? He says it all feels so 'normal' again already, but is that not bad? After all 'normal' led to his affair?

How do you get over affair

I also had another thought this morning - at least i dont have to 'train' another man in what pleases me!!!!

Have a happy day everyone - even if the sun is not shinning.

Hope you are ok ernest. Please take things one day at a time. As one of the wise posters said - it's only been 2 weeks and although that feels like a lifetime, it's such a short time when you consider how long you've been together.

Of course you feel uneasy/anxious/paranoid. It's totally understandable. You thought your marriage was fine but he thought otherwise. That must be like getting a kick in the teeth and it will make you doubt your judgement for a long time.

My xp cheated on me. Although it was nothing like your situation (we were only together 4 years, had no children etc etc) I do understand some of the hurt you're going through. I remember waking up feeling fine in the morning and feeling sick as soon as I remembered that awful hurt.

Please please take it slowly. Come on MN, talk to your RL friends and family if you can. Go easy on yourself.

Hi Ernest how you feeling today ? Sorry if i offended anyone with my comments yesterday. FC you are entitled to your opinions. It's just a sensitive subject and i don't feel that anyone should have to justify their decision based on their own cicumstances.

Hi
Wow only 2 weeks and you have come so far - i think i was still in a heap on the floor!

He is so much further emontionally than you are - he has had to justify his actions to himself.

Give yourself time to gieve for the loss of your relationship. You have lost something so precious (or had to snatched from you). You are still trying to put it all together, so be kind on yourself. There will something good in today - find it and have an inward smile. But is ok to go back to your self pity, slowly this will become less but you have to go through it.

You are doing so well and are a strong person.

Take care

Hi, I'm back. I had to stay away, even tho I especially needed help a couple of days away cos a certain silly cow was doing my head in, and I've got enough on my plate without so called fucking helpful "feminists" making me feel ten times worse.

Anyway, had a good talk with dh, so on that front positive - we complied a list of what we weren't happy about/wanted to change, and action plan. Feel good with a few targets under my belt.

He went out last night for 1st time and wasn't so good, I felt really stressed with the uncertainty of not knowing when he'd be back, feeling he wasn't keeping in touch enough etc. We had big row but ended with him apologising and accepting what I was saying.

OK, and now for the biggie - I'm terrified I'm pregnant. OMG that would be a disaster. I stopped taking the pill athe day after I found out. I'd only switched to it a few weeks (5?) before, so lots of spotting and totally irregular/up in the air, so I can't say if I'm late or when I should be due. At the weekend my breasts started to hurt. Sil commented/joked about me being pg. Now I'm terrified & paranoid. Just had reall twinge in tummy, but not in a menstrual kind of way. I did a test on Tuesday, but it was neg, but how do I know if it's too early??? Bloody hell, I could do without this.

Hi ernest

Yeah you do need added pressure of being pg. If you were would you consider termination? If it is something you thing you would why not get the morning after pill i know it is meant to be only 48hrs but it may be strong enough to 'clear' you. only problem then is if you sill are you would be paranoid you had done damage and would 'have' to terminate.

I had an unwanted pg before all this but i knew i could never go through with a T. and at the time me and h were fine. It was hard and still is - but i am so glad of her now.

I have my fingers crossed it is just a scare for you. Changing the pill can put your body all out. Also you have just been through a lot and your poor body will be under tremedous strain.

Glad you seem to be sorting out with h though. Have a great weekend.

def never consider getting rid. but prospect of 4th child really NOT funny. Wouldn't be good at best of times but def not now. I know my hormones are all up in air as result of stopping pill, but also the stress of last coupl eof weeks. but it's the not knowing, and worse, no knowing for sure when I can know for sure, iyswim

REally feel for you. I have 4 and it is no walk in the park - how would DH feel about it all?

Like i said my 4th was complete surprise but we were stable at the time. i found myself wishing something awful would happen and i would lose the baby. i was depressed for the whole 9 months. The extra strain put upon us all as a family i think contributed to the affair. Of course his needs were not being met - no-ones were with 4 kids to run around after.

I am really hoping it all works out for the best for you.

I still bet it is a change in the pill and being under such a huge strain.

Message withdrawn

Hope it all works out Ernest r/e the pregnancy thing. Agree not ideal timing to say the least. Like Dior says it is highly possibe it's the stress and the hormones. Figers crossed.

earnest- thinking of you, remeber one day at a time!
Pregnancy tests these days are very accuirate and from very early on- take another though soon to put your mind at rest- then cross that bridge if you have to.

About the comments from FC- I do belive this is an open forum and in a way if we contribute we put ourselves out there for everyones opinion- there are bound to be the odd one that is out of step with all the others, don't dwell on it.We are all entitled to opinions and sadly (as I found from my experience of the other woman) all women don't have the same capacity for compassion as each other some are just plain hard nosed and shallow.
In my opinion it takes emotional maturity, self awareness and self respect to realise that the world is not a simple black and white.....most things involving people and relationships are grey! If you run at the first sign of trouble (which you are justifoed in doing)then it doesn't say much for the nature of the relationship you had before,
Perhaps the people who say so blankly - leave if he's cheated on you- no grey, no questions....well perhaps they've never had the chance to experience a mature loving relationship , which is sad really, they've never found something worth fighting for!

The cingyness I know comes from the disbelief in trying to understand how the person who loves you so much can do this to you- but it's much more complex and deep than that....people are human, falible and make huge mistakes at times in their lives for a vast variety of reasons- it;'s like a jigsaw puzzle, all the pieces come together at the wrong time and the person makes the wrong choice......hardly black and white!

You are strong and compassionate and full of respect for yourself and pthers in facing such a huhe adversity for the sake of the relationship you've built up over years. A coward (in my opinion) in your situation would just walk away ( there are those especially if violence is involved when they must leave)but to stay shows strengt of character and the true nature of love

i read the whole thread and what would worry me most is...... the novelty of a new woman, new relationship. as someone else asked, are you sure is really over whatever they had? i would be wondering how come he went so fast from 'i love you' emails to 'yes, its over'. perhaps you are wondering this too, thats why the insecurity.

i broke with someone once because i had started a new relationship with someone else. yes, the relationships overlapped for few weeks. i remember when we were still breaking up, my ex wanted me to say that i had regretted, etc, but i didnt, because deep down i didnt regret the mess i had got into, or meeting a new man. and that lack of 'mea culpa' reaction on me made me realized that i wanted to be with this new man.

so what im saying is, perhaps you have bells ringing about your husband's attitude and you cant move on because the situation is really not clear yet about how over he is with this other woman.

lets imagine you are complete sure about your husband's feelings towards you and her, would you be so needy, clingy, etc? i doubt it. i guess there is a lot more to develope in your story...

also, am i mistaken or were you ttc not long ago?

I found the posts by FC to be most offensive and rather hurtful.

When you lose a partner, when he/she passes away no one 'forces' you or expects you to stop loving that person. They accept that it's an impossibility. You don't just automatically stop loving a person.
I think the same applies when a partner abuses you in some way, either by having an affair, abuse or breaking a trust. You cannot automatically stop loving someone. You have invested so much in that person and it's not only natural but it's admiral to want to salvage your relationship and make it work.
It doesn't make you weak or pathetic or with no self respect as FC implied. It takes a very strong and special person to hang in there and keep things together.

Thinking of you all xx

Any news on the pregnancy Ernest ?

Ta for asking, no,no news on pg, started new pill beginning few, stopped 3 weeks ago, me not good. Not sure if it's too ealy to test or what so just going quietly mad with worry and stress.

Had really bad day yesterday, therefore last night and now awake and feeling really low. Appreciate views......

Last week dh went out. found it really difficult. We agreed for next fw outings out he'd come back earlier (say 9) on agreed train, ring etc. Then yesterday he refers to an email he sent me (that I def. never got, but he keeps arguing the toss about it, like I'm mistaken or lying) documenting arrangements for him to go out in Basel (1.5 hours on train, so NO chance of being back early) tomorrow (ie today) night so little notice.

Me really pissed off cos it feels like he's going against what we agreed. Also he took our kids to meet this (male) friend and HER at Basel zoo, so I hear, madly or not, her name when he says he's going to meet him ifyswim. Then I tell him to try and speak with understanding etc with me, as I only feel this way as a direct result of his affair. etc etc. He just snaps I've cancelled it so that's that and is just arsey and stroppy with me.

So we have argument about this and how it feels like he's going against what we agreed. He argues it was arranged 2 weeks ago, he'd just forgot he wasn't going behind my back, but if he just said that in 1st place in reasonable tone there'd be no problem.

No reassurance. Bloody hell, if it'd been me I'd be begging forgiveness, promissing nothing like this would happen again blah blah. But I'm not getting that.

Then to cap it all, I went up to bed, hear front door so came down to investigate & he's outside having a fag Last week when he came back from night out he really stank of cigarettes and I commented and he said oh so and so were smoking. I asked him last night if it had been him and he said yes. So it just feels like more fucking secrest lies and deception.

We'd had a good weekend and now it feels like 1 step forward 3 steps back. I can't tell you how miserable I feel. I thinks it's his stubbornness and lack of remorse reassurance that's the worse thing.

I slept on the settee cos I was so fucked off I couldn't lie next to him

And now I'm so miserable I'm being a total bitch to my lovely boys

Not a lot to say really Ernest other than it will take time and you will have some rough times. However, I do think that he needs to be far more understanding of what he's put you through and he also needs to understand that how you feel and are acting is 100% the result of what he did to you. It's no one else's fault but his and he needs to accept that. You are entitled to all the reassurance you need.

And don't forget you can walk away from this relationship if you feel you need to. You don't have to stay.

I appreciate my situation was nothing like as big a deal as yours (with xp 4 years, no dc) but I just found I couldn't ever trust him again and I was so miserable. Every time he went out I worried that he was seeing her (in fact he was but he was a complete scumbag). Can you speak to people (in RL or on MN) who have managed to egt that trust back? They can guide you through this really shitty time.

All the best.

Oh Ernest

I have been there. My story is a long one and so much of what you say is familar. My H finally addmitted to an affair which was going on for about 9 months (that was in Oct) we tried to make a go of it but it did not feel right so he left at the end of oct. He came back saying it was over with her and we could make a go of it again. I like you wanted him to be on the floor begging for my forgiveness until i told him to stop. I knew he was confused and had susspisions that she was still on the scene (they work together). Anyway to cut it short he strung me and whole family along until Christmas - all lies to everyone. He finally left at the beginning of January. I was still very low but went and saw a solicitor and started to get my life into some sort of order (i was already in process of moving house). It was at that point that he finally woke up to ALL he was giving up and he came begging at my feet then. I was catious as hell - he had been very good at lying and making me feel guilty about him going out ect.

If you dont feel that he is making enough effort then he is not. He has betrayed you in the worst way possible and i am sorry but if he doesnt get it then he just isnt worth it.
I was just like you were - he made me feel so bad that i needed to question his every move and want to know what was going on. I needed constant reassurances - which he did give me.

I dont know what to say for the best really but i know you cant go on like this for much longer - one of you will have to make the move.

You know how good he is at lying it is now up to him to prove beyond any niggling doubt that it is you he wants to be with. You dont want to punish him but just look at what his mess is doing to you.

It sounds horrible but you must think about yourself and your boys at the moment. you cannot control him (and you dont want to i know) - but you do need him to hand over the control to you.

Oh i feel for you so much at the moment - i bet your head is whizzing round so much.

You will get through today somehow - but you must not hide your feelings from him you must let him know how much pain you are in. Do not let him make you feel guilty about anything THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT YOU FEEL LIKE THIS.

I know i have said it before but are you sure it is over? We are going to counselling and i find the fact that it carried on after i found out the worst thing of all and still find it hard to figure out why. Our counsellor says it is about it being unfinished bussiness.

But that is not to say it has to be over - my h finally came to his senses and luckily it was not too late (but it was very close).

You cannot live like this and you must let him know - being on your own and strong will be better than where you are now. This is early days for you and he is expecting you to get back to 'normal' so quickly.

Be stong and keep posting you will get through this.

HUGS HUGS AND MORE HUGS TO YOU.

I have asked him more than once if ir's over and he is insistent that it is, that he's made his decision etc. Frustrating thing is, we have 'good' pockets, like at weekend. But now all disagrrement seem to turn into big arguments, and the bottom line is they're mostly about him eg going out or whatever and me feeling too insecure and him not reassuring me, but instead getting defensive and arsey.

I phoned him at work earlier, to try and clear the air as I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through today, but it again ended badly, with him having a go at me cos he felt I was just having a go at him.

He says he doesn' know what else he can do cos he's done x,y &z and I point out that all of these have only been done as a result of big argument (eg coming home earlier, cancelling a 2 night piss up with wotk in hotel just 15 minutes down the road etc ) Not one thing was done freely, willingly, and at his suggestion, only as a result of me saying I wasn't happy about it, us having argument, and then him finally cancelling.

Then he has a go at me cos he thought we wer getting on better and he doesn't know what else he's supposed to do.

But even when he's cancelled thses things, like I say, only as result of argument, I don't feel reassured, important, loved, I don't feel like he's sorry or trying to make it up to me at all, or even trying to be considerate. Just arsey if I dare mention any discord. He genuinely seems to think he's doing enough and doesn't know what else he can or should do.

i've said it a dozen times and it's like he just doesn' hear or get it.

Oh ernest I'm so and for you.

You shouldn't have to be asking him to reassure you, not go out as much, keep you informed of his plans etc - after what he's done he should be doing all of that himself. You're completely right. There's no way I'm at a stage just yet where I can say to dh, 'yes, go out, have a great time, come back whenever you want....' No way!!

After what he's put you through he should be bending over backwards to put your mind at rest an do whatever it takes to make you feel loved, happy and secure.

I think if he's fully committed to making this work you could perhaps agree that say for the next month (two months?) he comes home early and doesn't arrange nights out at all. That way there's no confusion and no arguments. The next xx weeks can then just be about you two and quality time as a couple and family. You just don't need the added stress and confusion.

(This may seem ott to people like me and you who are so used to putting ourselves second and letting people get away with things. But being realistic.... he's done the worst thing he could possibly do to your relationship and he will now have to live with the consequences. That means doing whatever it takes to put things right. That's not your fault. It's his. End of story.)

Don't forget that. You're not being unreasonable - he is!! You're being strong, loving and dignified and are prepared to do what it takes to save your marriage. He should bl**dy well be doing the same.

xx

Completely agree MLS we are nearly year on and my DP has still yet to have a night out. When we agreed to give it another go he said he was prpared to not go out again until i was ready. Ernest if this is the only reason you are arguing point that out as clearly as you can to him. Although you shouldn't have to. Tell him he needs to stay in for the next couple of months at least as all the good times that you have will be spoilt everytime he steps out of the door and you, rightly so can still not trust him. He owes you this at the very least. Can you not have nights out together ?

He has not contacted me today, one of the things I said was that I needed regular contact, eg sms or email or call.

Tell a lie, he sent me an sms about 10 minutes ago saying sorry for being an arse.

I cannot believe how miserable I feel

Really down to my bones. I just wish I could go to bed and stay there.

I decided to go back to work but I can't. The system here in Switzerland makes it pretty much impossible. My youngest won't start Kindergarten for another 1 & a bit years, even then He & ds1 & ds2 only have school 2 afternoons a week, and come home for lunch everyday. then there's the school holidays, what would I do with 3 kids during holidays? And they rely on me to take them eg to UK to keep in touch with family. It just feels impossible. I feel trapped. I feel I decided to do something but I can't do it.

I thought I had a wonderful life, fab country, fab home, fab kids, fab husband, want for nothing. ha how wrong. I'm all alone, trapped, unable to do anything, at the mercy of a lying cheating miserable wanker. Sorry. Not a good day for me.

Will buy pg tonight and test in the morning. That'll be one thing at least.

I'm gonna tell him he's half way through his probationary period, and if it was D Day today, he'd fail, so he's got 3 weeks to pull out all the stops or else he can fuck off cos I'm not gonna have another fucking day like this.

Sending you > Ernest you sound so today. He should be doing more and you are right to say that last sentence to him.

Sorry you are having such a bad time ernest hope things pick up for you again soon x

Hi again

I sooooo know where you are emotionally but you need to be kind to yourself. it is easy for me to give advise now but i was crap at taking it. I can at least now look back with the benifit of hindsight.

I too was wary and needing so much reassurance every time he went out. He said it was absolutly over even invited me to phone her ect. The classic was well i am here arent i tell me what i need to do to reasure you? I always felt he never 'got it'. My gut feel was that he was not happy and it turned out to be right. She was never completly off the scene. I was still having to fight for his affections everyday. It wasnt until i gave up fighting that he realised what he had lost.

He now trys to tell what he felt during that time and he says he just didnt know - he didnt and wasnt ready to give me up but hated what he had created in me.

Your h sounds like mine was in the early days by wanting it to all go away.

I am fortunate in that i can now see how much he has changed and i honestly believe that he would not go out for years if i said so. He is so very very sorry for everything he has caused me and will do ANYTHING to make it up to me.

If you are not FEELING this then there is something wrong and it is up to him to fix this not you.

Yhe stupid thing is i too have changed and the paranoia is no longer there. Your gut feel is there for a reason it is trying to protect you listen to it. I know you are scared of what the truth may be but it what you deserve.

You are doing so well i really hppe it all works out for you keep posting and good luck with the test.

Tell him exactly how you feel tonight. I know your hurt, angry and upset today - but that's a good thing in a way - it shows you're dealing with it all and going through the inevitable emotions. You wouldn't be human if you weren't going through all this. It's what will get you to where you want to be in the end.

You still have fab kids. You still live in a great place. You still have a husband that loves you. You still have options. Ok so your husband has some serious making up to do. And ok you can't work immediately, but you seem like the sort of mum who will be happy to do what's best for her children for now. That's a good thing. You're bringing them up and being the mum they need.

You still have options though. Can you look into work from home? Can you look into a course that you can do in your own time / online / send off for materials etc and use any free time constructively in that way? Perhaps a course just for pleasure (what do you enjoy?). Or something that may lead to a job once the boys are all at school full time. Or even just something so that you are focusing your energy, learning something new, and getting something positive out of it. Or try to get involved more in your local community or something like that?

We can't make changes overnight. So how about stepping back and taking a longer term view? Small changes now. Step by step. And you'll get where you want to be in the end. All the time you're still building up your confidence, network of friends, self esteem...

And in the short term, use that anger in a positive way and tell dh to get his act together and start putting you first 100% of the time!