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Original poster

It's not my necklace

999 replies

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:36

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 08/08/2017 23:36

Awful, awful few days, finally got a moment to myself.

After telling him he would hear about contact with the children from my solicitor he went off his canister, started ringing my mums house over and over yesterday until she threatened him with the police again. Told me loads of conflicting things, he veered from telling me he would commit suicide to telling me he just wanted DS and I 'could keep' DD. He was plainly drunk at least once and told me I should never have gone through his things, I said don't you mean your disgusting trophies and he said yes one for every woman who was better than you.

The children have become very clingy and wanted to go home and I knew we had to face it as my relationship with mum was cracking a bit.

I didn't know where to go but after calming down from the weekend he said I could bring the children back to the house and he would make other arrangements. He said he is staying near his office for a week. Walking through the door was so hard I just wanted to run back out again. I am looking to start divorce proceedings immediately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 08/08/2017 23:38

I just feel so numb and like a bad parent shunting my poor children around different houses trying to cope with this mess. DS has been asking for dad and I have to hide in the kitchen or bathroom to cry.

OP posts:
mumof06darlings · 08/08/2017 23:40

Well done that's fantastic news. Take no notice of what he said about the other woman being better than you. He is trying to be spiteful because you are now better than him, you have overpowered him, you have thrown him off his game - you did this - you - and you should be so dame proud of that 🌸🌸🌷🌷🌻🌻

messofajess · 08/08/2017 23:41

You are being a fucking fantastic parent op. "Keep dd" what an absolutely vile vile man

BewareOfDragons · 08/08/2017 23:42
Flowers

Hang in there.

Have you given any thought to recording any future conversations you have with him? So he can't lie and say he never said/threatened/claimed/abused you verbally...

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/08/2017 23:43

Make a dated note of what he said re: keeping DS, leaving DD, can't imagine it would go down well in a custody hearing. And well done.

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 08/08/2017 23:44

I know I should have recorded it but it came out of the blue. He's sent me texts while he was clearly out of it though so will those do?

OP posts:
Fluerdelea · 08/08/2017 23:45

He is angry mad and upset because he's been found out...he will turn soon into...Im sorry I will do anything to put this right I love you I just want our family back

noodleaddict · 08/08/2017 23:45

You poor thing. Sending you so much strength OP. My blood is boiling at what a piece of shit he is. As others have said, please block him and insist he only communicates by email so you do not have to speak to him again. He is playing nasty manipulative mind games and you don't need that right now.

Well done. You're doing amazingly. You are NOT a bad parent. He has done this, not you. Do call on any RL support you can get to help you through these tough times. It will be hard but things will get better eventually.

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 08/08/2017 23:46

Just hearing the phone ring sends me into a spiral of panic right now, the children definitely know something is badly wrong, now I'm terrified they'll tell someone I am sad all the time or mom is crying again and that will add weight to his claims I'm mentally unfit to look after them :(

OP posts:
noodleaddict · 08/08/2017 23:47

And yes keep any evidence you can of any communications between you. Let him dig himself into a hole because that's what it sounds like he's doing.

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 08/08/2017 23:49

I had blocked him on my phone which is why he rang her landline. Then I unblocked him after that call because I wanted him to text me something I could use. And it sounds so stupid but I missed the sound of his voice even when he was saying such awful things. I know I'm weak, I'm just trying to keep my head above water right now.

OP posts:
annielouise · 08/08/2017 23:50

Yes, keep all text messages. So, you're back in the family home and he's agreed to stay elsewhere?

Is there any way legally to keep him out? You fear for your, or the children's, safety? Are the locks at least able to keep him out?

He's deranged. Keeping trophies of past flings? You have more dignity in your little finger than he has. Hope you get this sorted quickly.

How awful he wants to see one child but not the other. I wonder what a divorce court will make of that. I think it's very unstable behaviour and I think it will be detrimental to your DS if his wishes are upheld - the negativity towards your DD will surely rub off on your DS and he might start treating you both with contempt. I'd be pushing for limited contact and that only supervised as I think he'll poison your DS's mind against your DD and possibly you.

Farmerswife4life1984 · 08/08/2017 23:51

You are bloody awesome op . You can do this. Stay strong Flowers

annielouise · 08/08/2017 23:52

Foolmeonce - keep telling yourself he's not straight of thinking. You might miss his voice but from what you're saying, he's very damaged in is thinking and will damage your children. He values his - your - daughter not at all.

noodleaddict · 08/08/2017 23:52

Yes, good point about the texts, just keep whatever you can. You're NOT weak. You are strong, you've come this far, and you will keep going. No one can imagine how testing these circumstances are. Is there anyone who could stay with you for a bit and help out with the dc?

Gimboid · 08/08/2017 23:52

Stay strong OP, think of the things he's done and said to you, of course you miss the sound of his voice, you miss the man you thought he was. But he isn't that man and you have your wonderful children to protect. 💐

AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2017 02:00

Although I know that one can't legally change the locks on a jointly owned home, there is nothing that prevents you from installing door chains 'for your and the children's safety now that you are living alone'. That's not changing locks, but it will prevent him from walking in when you aren't expecting him. And you don't have to admit him to the house. If he raises a fuss, tell him to go ahead and call the police so they can be there when you let him in.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/08/2017 03:22

Definitely keep all text messages.
I'm so sorry he's subjecting you to verbal abuse and those disgusting comments! What a horror he's turning out to be.
Glad you're away from your mum's if it was becoming difficult - and I hope the children are happier back in their own home.
I second getting additional security on your doors, so that you can decide whether or not to let him in.
Get back to the solicitor as soon as you can and get separation sorted; and DON'T listen to any bollocks about you being "mentally unfit" - this REALLY IS BOLLOCKS - no one will take your DC away from you.

Also consider starting a new thread soon before this one fills up - I know there are still 80 posts to go but you'd be surprised how quickly they go sometimes!

CluelessMummy · 09/08/2017 04:12

FoolMe you are NOT weak.

Everything you have done for yourself and your children in this speaks STRENGTH. HIS actions show weakness.

Thank goodness that necklace came to you. You are well rid of him now.

Brenna24 · 09/08/2017 04:43

You are not weak. You have been incredible. I wouldn't worry too much about the kids saying you are sad right now. Who wouldn't be sad at the loss of the marriage they thought they had and the tearing apart of their family. That is a perfectly normal human reaction. we are allowed to be human as well as parents.

I would agree about installing some chains on the doors to keep you safe. And don't hesitate to call the police and ask for him to be removed if he tried to force his way in past them.

Keep the texts, screenshot them and send them on to the solicitor. Let him work his magic with them. That comment about keeping ds and letting you keep dd. That says it all really. So misogynistic that he is only interested in having the next male in the line. That shows how he values women. That and the shit about others being 'better than you'. If the only women he can enjoy are those being paid to turn up and pretend to be enjoying themselves, that speaks volumes too. Your kids are going to be so much better being brought up seeing you strong, independent and perfect, just as you are.

MrsBertBibby · 09/08/2017 08:05

OP, keep a diary of this. It will help unburden you a bit, it may be useful if you have court proceedings down the line, and in years to come it may be a useful resource for coming to terms with all this and processing it.

user1466690252 · 09/08/2017 08:28

I don't know you, but I feel really proud of you, and you should feel so proud of yourself. I have been in very similar circumstances to you, told they were better then me, found trophies from them. He told me I was to stupid to divorce him. show him. show him who you are, what your capable of and how much he will miss you when your gone. tye best revenge is the life you will make for you and your children. you will ve truly happy, and strong and it will kill him and be the absolute making of you. I speak from experience, you are doing incredibly. you got this, this is the start of your life. keep going, keep it together as best as you can and show him he's fucked up massivly and will miss you for the rest of his life. you are worth so much more, let alone your children's worth.

OnTheRise · 09/08/2017 08:42

If he's threatened suicide, take that seriously. Tell someone. It's almost certainly a manipulation tactic, but still: tell someone. And every time he threatens violence, call the police. I know it's not likely but even so, you must protect yourself.

You've handled all this very well. I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this but your life is going to get so much better once he's out of it.

St01c · 09/08/2017 08:44

Just posting to say you have a standard. You are better than him. If those women seemed better to him it's because they didnt know him so he felt good. He felt who they believed him to be. You know him. He is spiteful to you because you know who he is.