It's not my necklace

[Foolmeoncefoolmetwice]

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

You may not be at this stage yet, but one day you will wake up and realise that you no longer love H - his actions have killed what you once felt for him. Believe in that at those times when you feel yourself waver and call yourself weak, which you are not by any means.

H wants DS out of your influence so that he can portray himself as the good guy and you the enemy, and it is now his motivation to fight you. Get advice about how to guide your children at this time from professionals, e.g. Gingerbread, Relate, Kids Health and other dot orgs.

Has your relationship with DM been put under strain by these events? I think you suggested it might be. Who else is able to support you at this time? IME you might find people step up to the plate who you never though would be there for you.

Please stay strong - please call your friends so you have so real life people to talk too - throw out an invite on FB - you'll be surprised about suppprt

My dad was similar - we were glad when mum finally left him - our lives changed for the better even though we were really poor - we were freer and home was fun and full of laughter even on the coldest winter days

You are not weak!
Look how many people are telling you how strong and awesome you are.
You really are doing so well in the circumstances.

And you crying because of the huge shock and betrayal and the total upheaval of yours and DC lives, does not add any weight to any of his false claims!
I cried for months and months, as so many of us do.
Does NOT mean we have MH problems. Just that that is what happens.
No-one will think badly of crying. Believe me!!!

Another one following this thread and you are definitely not weak. He actually sounds mentally ill to me. Can you block his number on your Mum's phone? It seems to me it would be better to keep him blocked altogether and let the Solicitor handle ALL communications. Once you have what you need from the house - take everything you need now so you don't have to go back. Call the police every time he threatens you or if he calls round.

He is doing everything he possibly can to manipulate you and put you in the wrong. Don't listen to any of it. He knows perfectly well he's brought this on himself, just can't face up to it. He sounds utterly utterly vile. You are well rid.

Is there any possibility you could find somewhere else to live other than at your Mother's? It might take the strain off, but i appreciate you probably haven't got the money. Could your mother lend you money to get started in a flat perhaps?

I'm so sorry that he is behaving like this, you are doing all the right things. You and your childrens' safety is paramount. If you feel threatened, call the police. Keep the texts in case you need an injunction down the line to keep him away.

His feelings are not your problem. Tell him text only so everything is saveable. Hang in there. If your Childrens' school is any good, they'll have counselling which has been amazing for those in a similar situation. Get as much support as you can drum up and don't be afraid to ask favours. Hang in there, much love.

Foolme, you are my hero. This is a completely shit time now but you WILL get through it and you AND your children WILL be happier. My ex did similar things and it took my three years to go it alone. Best thing I ever did. Yes, it was hard but staying in that awful relationship was harder. You need to be stronger than ever now. Dig deep. Imagine if this was your daughter going through this. Fight him. RAGE. This is all him. You sound like an excellent mother.

How DARE he threaten your mum!

Can you call the phone provider and tell them about this? get his numbers blocked?

Could you get a phone with caller ID and voicemail and not answer it unless you know who is calling?

You are not weak, you are at war and it's not one you have started.

He is showing you who he is now.

You can show him who YOU are now and I know for a fact that you will win, he can't crush you.

Right.

OP. This man is seriously fucking with your head. I know it's hard. But, his true colours are reslkyband truly coming out now. He is dangerous. And very unhinged.

Stop talking with him. He is in desperation mode so trust me when I say he will communicate: just insist the only way to communicate is via email only. That way you can block him, there's still the chance he will trip himself up in every moment kn emsils, and you won't be tempted to answer his calls.

Screw the not changing the locks. I did. Yes, you shouldn't but it is highly unlikely you'll get anything but a frown from a professional. You have children to protect - and door chainsaw give easily if someone determined tries to get in.

Have you called Women's Aid yet? If not I strongly urge you to do so: they can give you practical advice, will likely come out and do a DASH assessment on you which could lead to a multi agency meeting to see how you can be helped.

As for your mental health - I should be rich the amount of times I've had that one thrown at me. Take a step back and look omnibus at who's actions have so far aimed to put the children's interests first....

Sorry for the typos...

I think you need to urgently take legal advice regarding him saying that he wants ds and you can keep dd. If he has access at some point there is a strong possibility imo that he won't give him back.

Maybe access could be blocked/supervised until this is sorted out.

Also, inform your solicitor that he threatened suicide so that it's on their records.

Block him on your phone and insist on all communication via email. If he rings your mum's phone she should just hang up on him. If he persists, she should report him as harassing her.

Basically; email your solicitor with the latest events as a matter of priority. Please.

Isn't there something legal that the op can apply for through the solicitors to say that the children are resident with her / that she's their primary carer?

Hi op,

It sounds like you are doing really well - keep going.

Crying and being upset at the breakdown of what you thought was a loving marriage is not a sign of being mentally unfit. It is perfectly normal.

I'm sorry if this has been mentioned before but you can download software/ apps to your mobile, which record all your calls. That way you have a record of any abuse or threats he makes.

Best wishes op.

There is also a service you can subscribe to for landlines which only allows calls from people you have authorised or from people who have an access PIN number. I'm afraid I don't know who provides it but could be worth looking into to solve the issue of him calling your mum.

Oh, and as for you blaming yourself for the position you find yourself in with the children? Stop it. Stop it right now. This mess is his doing.

You are now back in the marital home. Plough on with your solicitor. Given his erratic behaviour insist on supervised contact only until your first court hearing where a judge will likely make an interim contact schedule. I'd be trying to push for a power of arrest to be attached to that interim order given that he only seems interested in his son. It will be at the judges discretion. Your solicitor can advise you further.

I've just read this thread today for the first time today, from start to finish.

I have to say OP I take my hat off to you.

You were so controlled by both your husband and you upbringing and yet you have taken one of the biggest bravest steps.

I've never been in your shoes so I can't imagine how overwhelming it is, but you are teaching your children a great lesson about how you all deserve to be treated with love & respect. I'm so pleased too that your mum is supporting you.

I also wanted to point out that while many of us have suffered post natal depression ( myself included ) maybe, just maybe in your case it was more that you were expected to maintain high standards & offered little or no support from your husband & that maybe it was as much associated to that. Maybe it was your hormones telling you something was wrong & you did find out about your husbands behaviour. Your husband does like to refer back to your postnatal & your mental health. Just another way of controlling you.

I think you are doing brilliantly well & if you look back on where you were when you wrote the first post you will see how far you have come.

I've been lurking on this thread too and am so impressed by your strength. Apologies if I'm repeating what others have said but please get he locks changed at home - if he gets drunk and aggressive again it would be wise to be safe.

Also, please speak to your GP or another HCP. I think you are doing exceptionally well but I think it's really important to make sure you take care of your physical and mental health for the sake of you and your kids. As your solicitor said, none of this will go against you and in any case will confidential. I actually think it shows strength of character to address your mental health needs.

All the best x

Dont want to scare the op but this one sounds capable of letting himself into the house, maybe at night. He isn't wired up correctly. Get those doors locked and the windows too. Phone under pillow!

I said it downthread but please, if you haven't already get hold of the book 'lose a cheater gain a life' and read the website by the same lady, chumplady.com, there's forums there which offer loads of support by people going through the same exact thing. Your husband is a narcissist, he is controlling and is lashing out. Lots of advice for dealing with cheating vicious narcissists in the above website. You are so strong, I've got so much admiration for divorcing his unstable ass.

Just realised you are back in the marital home but where will your husband go after a week? I would be worried he will try to come back and expect you to forgive him. You are doing amazingly well.

Be strong, OP. Keep all the crappy messages he has sent you. They are excellent evidence. You are not weak, he will try to gaslight you and make you think it's you at fault. Do not let him talk shit to you.

Stay strong. Lots of us are thinking of you and your family. Trust your solicitor and don't talk to the scumbag.

I hope you're ok OP. I haven't commented before but rtft. You are doing amazingly well. I hope you're staying strong and your dm is still being supportive.

I can't imagine how hard this must be when you've been told your whole life that the pinnacle will be being a good, obedient wife. Your dh has been an unbelievable cunt to you. Not only cheating on you multiple times, but locking away creepy little keepsakes from his shags in your house and withholding money from not just you but his kids too.

Stay strong OP. You are doing amazingly. Change the locks. Don't let him in xxxxxx