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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's not my necklace

999 replies

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:36

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Hissy · 03/08/2017 19:23

He blinked first... but the one child thing is to make you engage...

Ignore...

Watch him unravel as he sees you're not kidding. You have him rattled!

Bambamrubblesmum · 03/08/2017 19:27

Totally agree with Hissy. He's playing games, don't join in.

Wait till you've had legal advice.

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 03/08/2017 19:34

Well the game playing clearly worked because I couldn't ignore it I responded, but was calm and said he'd be hearing from the solicitor about access for BOTH the children.

Nothing back since then. I'm not worried he would take DS out of the country it's just such a weird thing to ask?

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 03/08/2017 19:45

Stop communicating with him. Get legal advice asap.

MilesHuntsWig · 03/08/2017 19:51

Very odd. Don't march to his tune. Take control.

humblesims · 03/08/2017 20:18

but was calm and said he'd be hearing from the solicitor about access for BOTH the children.
Thats a very good response OP. Now block and ignore until YOU are ready to talk (or not). YOU are in control of this situation and he is an arsehole who is NOT in control of you. Be strong. For you and your kids. This will be tough but you are on it. It will get better and you and your DCs will be OK. Flowers

anchor9 · 03/08/2017 20:58

do you have their passports?

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 03/08/2017 21:13

Yes, thank god mum made sure we left with them I was so off the wall I just wanted to bundle them in the car and get out.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 03/08/2017 21:44

Oh dear OP I'm so sorry for what you are going through. When is your solicitor appt?

mummmy2017 · 03/08/2017 22:30

I am so shocked too read how bad this is. I feel for you so much, and hope you stay strong.
Your to good for this man, you have done nothing wrong but he has, he will call you again and try to play the children as a card, as he knows how much you love them, but he needs to face up to what he has done, and the way he kept you all short so he could have fun money is beyond the pale.

mickyblueyes · 03/08/2017 22:49

I wrote on another thread about how do deal with these low life, manipulative cheaters...

Theres a technique called "Grey Rock". Basically it translates into you not giving him any form of emotional response, don't react to any form of provocation from him eg pity, rage. If he plays the sad sausage routine (Pity) ignore him, don't reply, walk away etc.. The same if he flies into a raging anger...Ignore, Ignore, Ignore. You sound like you are doing great so far.

If you need to contact him keep it polite and business like..eg "You can talk/seeto DD on Sunday as agreed" Keep firm boundaries, if thats what you believe that he has to wait till Sunday, stick to it and don't give in. Give him an inch he'll take a mile...next he'll be asking to change the day for access, can he come and see her tonight etc...

Shop around for a solicitor, the best advice i got was to go for the one you would least like to have an argument with.

Have a look at chumplady.com, excellent website...sign up to the forum and share your story and get excellent advice (It's mostly americans) But they will get your story and offer great help and advice.

You'll probably have moments where you feel weak and want your old life back, that life was a lie I'm afraid. When you feel weak remember the contents of his draw and remember what he's done.

I'm glad your mum has been strong and more supportive than you thought she would be. Many of us have been through what you are going through, I can remember people telling me it will get better and I never would have believed them..but it does and life is so much better. Stay strong you're doing great.

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 04/08/2017 07:07

A thought just popped into my head about the having 1 child. I also think he may not give DS back. And he may be thinking if I have 1 child and you have 1 child, I don't have to pay her maintenance. Just a thought. But he definetly has some sort of underlying motive

eviethehamster · 04/08/2017 07:53

WineCake OP.

I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are going through.

XJerseyGirlX · 04/08/2017 10:02

What a horrible man. He got caught out and instead of owning up and trying to salvage something, he has turned on you and is trying to bully you and scare you. You've seen his true colours in all ways here op. I agree with what chocolate and biscuits said about him wanting to keep ds as a bargaining tool xx

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 04/08/2017 11:16

Right, off to see a solicitor. The thought of him trying to keep DS away from me so he can use him as leverage makes me want to claw his eyes out and feed them to him.

Thank you for 'grey rock' mickey , I'm quite a visual person and the image works for me.

OP posts:
MinniesAndMickeysNeedCounting · 04/08/2017 11:22

Hope it goes well and this solicitor is the right fit for you

RTKangaMummy · 04/08/2017 11:30

Good luck at solicitor hope this one is good match

lilforest · 04/08/2017 11:55

Thinking of you lovely. Hope it all goes well Flowers

0ccamsRazor · 04/08/2017 11:55

Op you have had brilliant support on your thread, there is not much I can add to.

But keep all communication with him in the form of email, emails can be used as legal documents.

No phone, text etc, tell him to use email and block him from all other means.

If you do come face to face with him, video or record the meeting on your phone, then email the recording to yourself.

The beauty of email is that they are easy to forward on to the solicitor.

Rule of the thumb that I advise people in your situation is to always give 48 hours before replying to the abuser. That way the initial emotional response has decreased slightly and can be more thought out, or gives you a chance to run things by your solicitor first if you need to.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/08/2017 12:57

Best of luck with the solicitor. I hope you get the answers you need.

And that anger you've discovered burning in your belly? Keep it and stoke it. It will serve you well!

gustofwind · 04/08/2017 12:58

love that Grey Rock technique!

We're all behind you foolme

Own that control!

Gimboid · 04/08/2017 13:12

Good luck with the solicitor

Farmerswife4life1984 · 04/08/2017 15:52

Hope your doing ok? Are you managing to eat and get some sleep ? I'm thinking of you daily xxx

mickyblueyes · 04/08/2017 16:51

Grey rock is great and it works, it takes some practice as these manipulators will know how to push your buttons, they will try every trick in the book to get a reaction from you. Good or bad, they just want the attention and they don't care how they get it.

The best of all is that people with manipulative narcissistic personalities and traits absolutely hate being ignored. It can take time, but they will get the message after a while and hopefully move on to a new source of supply.

OP I suggest you read up on narcissistic personality disorder to help you get some answers as to who and what your ex is, he sounds like a classic narcissist. I'm not phyciatrist, and your ex may not have NPD, he may be a twat who shows some narcissistic traits, but I still suggest you read up on it as it may help you find some answers. You sound like a good, decent person and he knows this and is using your good nature to uphold he own image, he's also gaslighting you..he's making out you are depressed, going mad!

Your probablay about to go through on one of the toughest journeys of your life, many of us have been through similar experiences. You'll come through it though if that I'm sure, and you'll be a better person for it, a better mum, happy and content with who you are as a person.

Good luck!

crazyhorses3 · 04/08/2017 18:26

Glad to hear you finally getting mad!! All this passive 'I wish it was all a bad dream' stuff is not going to help you. Get mad and get even. The man is a total shit and not worthy of you or your children. Good luck . xx

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