It's not my necklace

[Foolmeoncefoolmetwice]

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

Solicitor seemed nice, he said that aside from the obvious adultery the courts will not take it well that he kept hidden money from his children and has only asked for his son after days of no contact. Also said that slurs about my mental health after having pnd shouldn't factor, the fact that I'm obviously main carer and have been for years and have two well adjusted and well cared for children is what matters. Left feeling positive, I think mums struggling a bit having the children at the house all the time but we're weathering things as well as we can right now. And yes, I finally found my rage!!

That sounds positive and glad you're feeling all She-Ra grrrr

Are you going to instruct the solicitor?

Yay! Go fool!

Excellent news Foolme Go You!

Will you start divorce proceedings now?
I'm not sure what happens in UK (I'm assuming) divorce/separation when children are involved but surely the bastard slime all is obligated to provide for his children at the moment? If things start to get a little strained at your mum's house could you not rent a small flat and he pays for it or am I just in cuckoo-land??
Well done anyway on making such great progress. Keep that fire in your belly through the whole weekend until you can get more things done Monday.
Good luck, we're all thinking of you xx

So glad you've seen a solicitor now who has been able to reassure you on the children.
What did he say about allowing access to your child(ren) at this stage?

Glad also that you've found your anger - keep that going, it will get you through the hard times, especially the ones where you just want a hug and the one person who could give you one is the same person who is causing all this shit and pain. :(

Keep on Keeping on...

You have done so well so far. Keep that rage and put it to good use. Don't let him worm his way back in.

The long term plan should be a cordial relationship with him for the sake of your DC.

In the meanwhile, take it step by step and try and stay calm. I know it's not easy, but you'll get there.

Made up the solicitor was helpful xxx

I am SO Proud of you op. You really are a force of nature

You're doing so good, I'm so glad that the solicitor has reassured you. Go with the rage for now, take each day as it comes but it is ok to wobble, so much has happened. You will come out the other side so hang in there.

Take care , I hope you are eating a little more too.

fool you're doing amazingly well.
After I discovered cheating I was very down and couldn't eat, and the thing I noticed looking back is that every day life got a tiny bit better until suddenly I was ok. You will be ok, it does just take time. I also tried to just look forward to one thing (a good book, a tv show, seeing a friend), and that helped get me through

(Just been able to catch back up since reinstated...)

EXCELLENT news from the solicitor! Wonderful! Bloody bastard imposing poverty on his wife and children while splashing out on, frankly, whores. Bastard! It drives me mad! But he's really fucked it, hasn't he?

And I'm sooo happy your Mum came around the way that she did, even employing a knight and champion for you! That's positively lovely. I'm so glad.

Now, I'm going a bit Dark Side on you, but here is what I think, fwiw...

KEEP that anger. KEEP that disgust. KEEP that pain and that shocking betrayal. Hold onto them, at least for now, at least if/when you're forced to deal with him. REMEMBER what a foul, sickening bastard he's been to you and your lovely, innocent children. REMEMBER what he's done to you, how he's betrayed and neglected and misused you and the children. Turn yourself to stone for him, an impenetrable shield protecting yourself, your children, and the entire future of your family.

Keep those feelings on a burner on low, in the back corner of your mind, a little blue flame remembrance. Don't let your comfort, your memories, and/or the fear of disrupting your life and your children's lives overtake that betrayal. I know it's overwhelmingly tempting, because those are dead scary, but the alternative is so much worse! HE did this to your family, and he'd bloody well do it again. HE is the awful shit here. Don't let him guilt you or bully you into ANYTHING - which he could very likely try since he really sounds like a narcissist and even a bit of a possible sociopath.

Then later, once the dust settles, you can let it all go and move on. But for now, KEEP IT, turn up that burner to white hot, and USE it when you need it.

Oh bloody hell foolme, you are an amazing woman. I'm floored by your strength. I genuinely am.

Well said jwrecks

Bloody wonderful - keep on keeping on, we're all rooting for you.

So sorry you're in this position op.

You don't have to let him see either dc until there's a court order in place which would cost him money he'd rather spend elsewhere.

I'm afraid I am also thinking 'trophies' rather than 'mementoes'.

Prostitutes are often victims of sexual predators as they are an easy target and unlikely to prosecute.

Definitely get STI screening.

My ex also tried the 'she's nuts'approach. Even though I am diagnosed mentally ill he still couldn't get away with it as my dd was well cared for and emotionally balanced.

It's panic on his part because he knows he's been caught out and that he has been a shit husband and father.

Op you are doing incredibly well.

Yes op!!! So glad you found your rage and the solicitor was helpful. I'm so pleased it all went well.
Remember we are all behind you!

Hope your day was a bit better today fool and your grey rock is still standing strong.

I hope you are feeling a bit better Foolme

Been following this thread and have to say what an absolute bastard. You are being so strong foolme and I think we are all very proud of how you are dealing with such a horrendous situation. Stay strong x

So pleased that you have exposed this utterly vile excuse for a human being for what he is and given yourself and your children the opportunity to live the life that you so deserve. You have handled things incredibly well, with such integrity and am sure will continue to do so. You are an inspiration to those in similar situations. Stay strong and do look after yourself.

I keep logging on to mumsnet just to see how you are doing OP. Glad you've seen a solicitor and got the ball rolling. There are happy days ahead - might not seem so right now, but there are, for you and for your children. Stay strong. x

I've just read the thread, what a thorough arsehole!

Stay strong, you are strong, you're doing all the right things through a shitstorm of his shitty making.

Foolmeonce are you okay?

Glad the solicitor went well. Have you been home at all yet? What's your plan? What have you told the children? They need to go home at some point surely?