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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone left their DP/DH knowing it was for the best but still being in love with them?

762 replies

Ifonlyhewould · 27/03/2007 10:15

How did you get through it? Was it really for the best?

OP posts:
wildwoman · 27/03/2007 10:18

why do you think you need to leave him?

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 27/03/2007 10:21

yes, fraid so

OP posts:
wildwoman · 27/03/2007 10:22

but why if you still love him?

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 27/03/2007 10:33

because it's not a healthy, equal relationship. I do the loving, the forgiving, I kid myself that we are 'normal' We don't even share a bed. He does his own thing, shows no love or affection, and i do exactly the same in this relationship as i did in that with my mother (crap mother thread) I hang in there, smiling, waiting, doing anything i can to buy some affection. I put on this happy, smiley face and pretend to everyone that its all ok but inside i feel like i'm dying. I feel lonely, sad and so depressed.

I just feel ive given as much as i can possibly give. I'm exhausted.

OP posts:
wildwoman · 27/03/2007 10:49

I don't know if you remember the thread you gave advice to me on last week re my DP, this may sound a bit hypocritical. Have you talked things through or is that a no go area for him? It sounds like if there is nothing left to salvage from the relationship then you may well be happier on your own. You can't be the only one dishing out affection, it is draining and will get you nowhere in the long run. BTW I chikened out of the chat I was going to have and am plodding on through life again with my head firmly ion the sand!

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 27/03/2007 11:01

oh yes i know it's taken a lot for me to post this knowing how hypocritical it sounds. I realise i might be in for some flack hopefully not too much cos i'm feeling a bit delicate.

It's actually finding this site that had made me question quite a few things in my life. And giving advice to other ladies ive realsied that maybe it's time i took a bit of my own.
Ive got enough relationship self help books to fill a library!!
Maybe it's time to buy some self esteem books

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 27/03/2007 11:04

just re-read your post. Well it's all well and good me dishing out advice when my head is buried deep in the sand too.

Yes, i have tried to talk to him. I tolerate things for so long and then i try to talk but i think it must appear that i'm nagging him because he gets all defensive then if it goes too far abusive, then he storms out. So more recently ive learned to put up and shut up. Trouble is with that it poisons your insides.

OP posts:
wildwoman · 27/03/2007 11:04

ooh I meant I was hypocritical not you!

wildwoman · 27/03/2007 11:05

I feel like a complete cow bag from taking advice off you when you have a real problem not just a earlier than normal midlife crisis like me!

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 27/03/2007 11:12

ooh no please. I love to help other people. All the while ive been reading other posts and longing for someone to give me advice on my own problem. And i do feel very hypocritical, dishing out advice when my own situation is less than perfect.

I think ive just come to the end of my tether. I seem to have been a 'victim' of something or other for most of my life. Always giving but never getting. Being scared of upsetting the proverbial apple cart.

This sounds really weak and pathetic but, i'm not sure i do actually love him. Ive just worked so hard to make him happy, given so much of myself and it's not worked, he's never happy with me.
But i can't stand the thought of him moving on and meeting someone who does make him happy. Does that sound stupid??

OP posts:
ginnedupmummy · 27/03/2007 11:14

Message withdrawn

wildwoman · 27/03/2007 11:16

Not at all, it would be weird seeing him happy with someone else and you would be bound to have all sorts of questions eg why is he happy with her and not me etc.
The thing is you are still, even when picturing a future apart, thinking about him and his happiness. Think about yourself, new found freedom, no more treading on eggshells, putting yourself first for once.
I've just realised I'm your DH in my relationship. Would you like to swap my DP is really lovely!

ginnedupmummy · 27/03/2007 11:18

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 27/03/2007 11:22

Thank you GUM it's feels good just to be able to say it. Although it does feel scary actually admitting it.

The bottom line is i'm not happy. I'm desperately unhappy. Ive tried so hard to keep it together because we have a 4yr old little girl. She is so precious and i wanted to make sure she had as perfect a life as i could give her. We live in a nice house, he has a good job so she has all the material things she could ask for but, she never sees any love or affection between mummy and daay, mummy hardly dare open her mouth most of the time.
Plus, he is hardly ever home, if he isn't working he's out doing his own thing.
I just don't see the point anymore.

OP posts:
IdreamofClooney · 27/03/2007 11:23

Hello IOHW

I've recently asked my partner to leave as although I so still love a part of him I resented so much of his behaviour that it was making me miserable.

You only get one chance in life and if you are not happy then change things to make yourself happy. It will be hard at first but everyone deserves to feel valued, and if you don;t in your relationship, try and work it out and if that is not possible then you need to decide what you want to do and what will be best for you and your DCs.

wildwoman · 27/03/2007 11:25

It sounds like you have come to a decision. fwiw I think its the right one. The hard bit now is doing something about it, as you know I am too chicken to do it, its not that I think I'm right to stay iyswim

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 27/03/2007 11:26

At the moment i feel desperate for counselling. just someone to talk to. i 'feel' none of this is 'normal' or acceptable but would like someone to confirm it. Because of everything i have survived during my life i actually consider myslef to be a strong person but maybe i'm not. I feel i'm rather weak at the moment. A bit of a wimp

wildwoman

OP posts:
wildwoman · 27/03/2007 11:29

You're not a wimp at all, you've been hanging on for the sake of your DD and that's admirable in my book. I really have to go and do some housework or there will be trouble later! TC I hope to speak to you soon x

mylittlestar · 27/03/2007 11:31

oh Ifonlyhewould I've just seen this.
I'm so sorry to hear this, I can't believe that you have been so wonderful, amazing and supportive with me when you're going through this yourself.

This is doing you no good at all. You need to think about you!
(Listen to your own advice! )
You're right about the self esteem thing - what makes you think you deserve to live this way? Why don't you deserve a loving, happy, contented, equal relationship??

The answer is.. you do!

You're just so used to living this way that you can't see the way out of it and don't know what to do for the best.

Obviously I don't know enough to be able to say one way or the other what you should do. But what is your gut feeling? Do you feel that an ultimatum, a wake up call (kicking him out etc), counselling, time to yourselves to talk... will any of them help?

Is it as simple as him just needing a wake up call in order to get his act together?

Or is it well beyond that point and you know deep down that no matter what you do you this man cannot be (or doesn't want to be) the man you deserve?

Are you scared of moving on just because it's the unknown? Or would you rather move forward as a couple and find a way to make that work first before moving on?

Or are you scared that seeing him with someone else will make you realise how much you really do love him?

If you think logically, things cannot possibly be any worse than they are now. And seeing him with someone else won't hurt half as much if you're happy and secure in the knowledge that he's making her life a misery and not yours.

(Sorry for all the questions! It's difficult without knowing the background, but if you don't want to answer any then just ask them to yourself and hopefully in some way they'll help.)

You sound like you really do need some {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 27/03/2007 11:32

Yes, i do see what you mean. I think that perhaps you too will come to a decsion as to whats best for you.
To be honest, its been in my mind for a long time. It dominates your every waking hour sometimes.
Reading the posts on here ive realised that so very many of us are in the same boat and have the same problems with our men. I don't know if thats a good thing to realise or a bad one.
A lot of us sound so dreadfully unhappy and we just tolerate it.
Like you say Idreamofclooney, we only get one chance at life. I'm just tired of being so miserable. It's not the real me.

I think i could find it easier to leave him than to actually let go. That might sound daft i know

OP posts:
ginnedupmummy · 27/03/2007 11:36

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 27/03/2007 11:45

Thank you MLS

You are so right about that, i am used to living this way, i left a toxic mother to marry a toxic man, who i divorced after 12 years, spent three fantastic years as a single woman avoiding realtionships like the plague then met this seemingly gentle and caring man who turned out to be a controlling bully. And ive stayed, not trying to change him as such but prove to him that i'm not a bad person, im loving and caring and he doesnt have to treat me this way. Ive made excuses for him, 'he's insecure, he's jealous because he love's me' etc. I'm just realising thats not true. i feel pathetic. I'm 42 years old!!

It is well beyond the point of counselling or reasoning. He thinks its me anyway. He won't listen. I have told him in the past (in a nice way, non confrontational) that i'm very unhappy and would prefer to live alone but i didn't get a response. Nothing seems to affect him at all.

I think the main reason i talk myself out of leaving is that I don't want to be a single parent, benefits and all that (no offence to single parents) Plus, i hate failing. I keep hanging in there 'just in case'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 27/03/2007 11:50

GUM yes i have mentioned leaving him before but it had no effect. He really is so stubborn he would let me go. Nothing seems to affect him at all. He just has this arrogant air about him. We have been together for 8 years. Not once in those 8 years has he ever said 'sorry'. thats no word of a lie. he finds it difficult to say please and thank you too.

Reading and writing in that 'crap mother' thread made me realise just how like my mother he is and just how i try to please him and buy love and affection from him like i did from her. That thread was a real eye opener!!

OP posts:
warthog · 27/03/2007 11:56

iohw, i'm so sorry.

i have left someone i've loved and it took a while to get over but i feel a lot happier. be strong, you're making the right decision in the long run even though it's very hard now.

ginnedupmummy · 27/03/2007 11:57

Message withdrawn