Anyone left their DP/DH knowing it was for the best but still being in love with them?

[Ifonlyhewould]

How did you get through it? Was it really for the best?

thank you x

that must be so hurtful - to see how he can be, and then the reality of what he is. i think to some extent most people put on a brave face to the outside world. you never really know what's going on in other people's relationships.

i'm sure you have asked him why he does this double act. what has his response been? has your relationship ever been warm and loving?

I have just read this post and hope my friend takes my advice and reads this site too. It is fantastic. Why do we all feel we have to show the world a false reality? Well done all of you for your advice and for all those who just look and get the most fantastic advice.

Morning Ifonlyhewould

Your post at 16:18 last night really bothered me. (I could only get on for 5 mins last night so didn't manage to respond.)

I think that post shows the extent of the control he has over you and really confirms to me that it is HIM with the issues and definitely not you.

He wouldn't get married. he has a fear of being taken for everything. If you split up and the CSA get involved he's threatened to leave his job just so you get nothing.

He has serious issues and needs help. If you're in a loving, equal relationship, then everything you have belongs to both of you. He goes out of the house to work. You do your share in the home and by looking after dd full time.
The whole power and control thing is completely wrong. It's scary.

At the very least, if you split up, he has an obligation to look after your dd in whatever way he can, at the very least financially, and to be honest he should actually want to do that! He made the decision to have a child, he cannot abandon her if your relationship doesn't work out, it's not the child's fault!

I can see where you're coming from in wanting a clean break and getting as far away as possible from him. I can see that legal or monetary fights would be extremely difficult for you. He sounds like he can be very nasty.

Perhaps get away, get yourself settled, apply for the benefits you can and maybe get yourself into a situation where you feel secure, confident and in control, before you take things any further. But please don't forget that you are entitled to financial support. Please don't let him get away with any more than he already has. There is support out there to get you through this xx

You might find that you end this relationship, only to keep repeating the same mistakes in your search for your "mother love" in another man (like I have).
I would seriously consider working on yourself and the leftovers of your crap childhood, by using mumsnet, self-help books, and if possible- therapy. Get him to do this too. Talk about the effect of your childhoods together.
Whether all this is worth it or not depends on how much you love him. But even if you do split up, you are going to have to face your "issues" sooner or later anyway. I wish I had faced my problems when I was with ex DP. Im now married to DH, and I found the same problems turned up in this relationship. Im working through them this time, but by God, I wish I`d done it before with exDP because I really did love him.

Do you fancy him? CAn he make you laugh? Is he generous? Do you miss him when youre apart? If so, then its probably worth saving the relationship. On the other hand, if you really canT see anything positive and think you may just be staying with him because you are co-dependant and "need" him, then try to be strong enough to get out of the relationship.

Sorry, just read the 16:18 post , so Ill alter my advice?... yes, it sounds like hes just not a good person anyway and that hes not to be trusted. Youll still have to work out your own issues but basically, I would get out of this relationship.

Warthog - yes it is hurtful, it crushes me sometimes but other times it makes me so angry inside. And yes, i have asked him why he does it but he just totally refuses to answer, he doenst say anything, which is how he deals with a lot of the issues i raise, he just refuses to speak. I once said to him 'why do you not speak to me like you speak to ***' his reply was 'i used to talk to you like that' so from that i assumed he knows what he is doing to me.

Thank you MLS for taking the time to read my posts and advise me, i know you have a lot on your own plate at the moment so i appreciate this. I did a lot of thinking last night, I even wrote out my 'action plan'. I am going to find out as much information as i can and plan my move. I do feel the only way i can cope with things at the moment is by taking things just one step at a time. It wasn't an overstatement when i said i am exhausted by all this.
I live with a man who checks the mileage when i use the car. Gives me a certain amount of housekeeping and not one penny more. If i need things for DD i have to ask him for money. He constantly ogles other women but has never ever paid me a compliment. He can point out if i have the tiniest pimple but can't tell me i look nice. He never kisses me. Even during intimate moments (not that there's any of those now) there are lots of other issues that have really bothered me but too personal for me to divulge on here.

The reason i want to leave as 'cleanly' as possible is i do know what i am dealing with and i do want to protect myself from any further abuse, even if its only name calling and threats which may turn out to be empty. I just don't want it.

Sakura - no, i don't fancy him, no he doesn't make me laugh and no he isn't generous but when he is throwing me his 'crumbs', when he knows he might have gone a bit too far he can be generous, but only in that he will promise something, he is always going to buy me this, that or the other but it never materialises.

It all sounds very weak and i really don't know how i ended up in this situation again but the thing is it all starts off so nice. Then they start to withdraw and be offhand with you so you try a little harder to 'win' them round, then everything is ok again for a few weeks then they withdraw again, so you try harder again. Its a vicious circle. But everytime he withdraws it gets worse, its like you are being punished and although you dont know what you are being punished for you work harder to try to make him like you.
I once told him i feel like a little puppy dog. He clicks his fingers, talks all nice, pats me on the head, i'm all happy then he gives me a kick and shouts at me and i scurry away. Next minute he's clicking his fingers and talking noce again and i go running back to him, just thankful that he's being nice again.
Its like you live for the nice times, the crumbs, its a huge relief when they come, you get trapped in a cycle.

Im so sorry for waffling on, it's just spilling out but thank you for taking the time to read this and for all your advice. You have no idea how much stronger i feel knowing i am not alone in experiencing this. I hate to think of any other woman living like i am but i have gained strength from it.

Hurtwife - i was just thinking about your post re your friend. I know that i present a false reality because i feel a sort of shame, embarrasment, but also because it's always 'work in progress' you are always working to make it better. You don't talk about today because tomorrow might be better.
Its also very hard to admit that it's happening to you. Since i found this site i am amazed as to how many women are living with emotional abuse, it's very sad

IOHW - he sounds just like my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I left when dd was 4 months old. Couldn't stand how lovely he was with all the new-baby visitors, then treating me like a farm animal when they'd gone.

Spent the last few years trying to please him but the more i did, the more he wanted and the more he seemed to despise me. Since i left and started divorcing him, he acts as though I never existed but makes a massive show of wanting to be part of dd's life, not that that comes with any maintenance for her, you understand.

Like you, I have no money (not since he cleaned out bank accounts after I left) and no income. Benefits staff really helpful though and its not forever.

Decree nisi came today, been crying all day. Why, for god's sake? Didn't leave a moment too soon.

I hate myself for it, but I feel sorry for him.

He is so like my mum it's untrue.

I left because I just could not stand one more minute of that tone of voice. It started to hurt physically.

I've got nowt except my daughter, he's even taken my wedding and engagement rings. I'm devastated that my marriage is over and I feel so guilty about our daughter but in the end, it was him or me and finally, I chose me.

Totally the right decision, sleeping easy at last but god, it hurts.

Hope you're ok

When I left my husband 18 months ago. Long story don't want to go into yet. When I went to Council re housing, they placed me and DD's in a refuge. At first I was a bit horrified to be living in a refuge with women who were abused. But came to realise that although my DH didn't punch me and leave me with visible bruises, the staff there said that what I had been through was emotional abuse which they considered to be equall to physical.

You may not see my bruises, but they were there and they are taking a long time to heal.

to all of you ladies who are going through a tough time,i just wanted to wish you all well and hope you will all soon be having happier lives.You all seem to be very strong people in spite of saying your not.good luck.

iohw, your post actually made me cry. you really don't deserve this. you're not weak, he is extremely cruel. you deserve so much better.

do you have any family that can support you? old friends?

Ifonlyhewould how are you today? xx

I think it's awful that he has a special "horrible voice" for you. My STBXH only used The Voice when he was angry, and was quite capable of showing affection in between. I certainly wouldn't have put up with him for so many years if there hadn't been more good times than bad for a lot of it. What you're getting out of this relationship... well, it's nothing, is it? A nice house for your little girl to grow up in. That's pretty much it. On the other side of the scale you get a person who makes you feel bad about yourself the whole time. He is not doing you any kindness, grudgingly allowing you to share his living space - if "share" is the word. He seems indeed to deeply resent you being in his line of sight. Do the bugger a big favour and leave him!

mrs mcv - thank you for reading my post and for sharing your story. Im sorry you are feeling so low and so sad and i hope that soon changes. As i feel right now i have no more tears to cry for this man, i feel emotionally drained. I don't feel sorry for him right now either, i feel sorry fro my little girl having him as a father. He came home in a foul mood last night, he was wanting a row for some reason. I walked away, took my DD out for a walk, so he didn't get one. But i realised, when he 'barked' at me, that i don't even breathe rproperly when he is around, i breathe from my chest, short and shallow, like i'm listening for a strange noise in the night ifkwim, so not only do i look forward to peaceful sleep, i look forward to breathing properly too.

Anniegetyourgun - thats exactly how i do feel, as though he resents even having to look at me. When he walks through the door after work, he never looks at me, first thing he does is go open his post. I hate that moment, not knowing if he is in a good mood or a bad one.

Warthog - bless you, i'm sorry it made you cry. The sad thing is it really is that bad. Ive told it just how it is, minus a few things too personal to share and whoch would make me feel so stupid to admit i put up with.
I have decided to leave. Ive made my action plan and, today ive even emailed the council to see where i stand (not up to talking in person yet) Ive also emailed Gingerbread to see if they can offer me any advice so, i am taking action. I can hardly come on here and moan about my life if im not prepared to do anything about it

Hi MLS
Believe it or not, i feel incredibly strong today, (well, maybe not incredible) just hope it lasts ive made up my mind to leave and although i'm not brave enough just to jump in and do it, i'm doing it! I will do it! I have to do it, to be honest with you even I am worried about me. When it's really bad i have the same thoughts i had when i was 15 and dealing with my mother's abuse, my bolt hole, and thats not good.

Thank you mummylin and gtimamma - i apprecite you all taking the time to read my ramblings. Once i start it just comes flooding out.
I watched him go to work this morning, all togged out in his shirt, tie and suit, with his 'soft' face on (not for my benefit, i was spying on him!) and i just thought, no one would ever guess what a monster he is.
I feel like ive just woken up.

PS warthog - i have no family and i only have one true friend as such, i have friends but to be honest you do tend to keep them at a distance, one reason being he never approves of any friends i have and soon see's them off and the other reason, you tend not to get too close to people just in case they find out you don't have the 'perfect life' you are trying to portray. I am seriously considering opening up to his mum though. She went through quite a bit of abuse herself with his father. She sometimes says little things that makes me think she may know something is going on. But ive not decided yet whether spilling the beans on her son would be such a good idea. Not sure what to do on that one.

ifonlyhewould reading your posts this morning it seems to me that you have an incredible inner strength .good for you,stay strong and resolute in what you decide to do.

Thank you mummylin - i have always felt i was a strong person, i thought i must be strong to put up with all i have put up with. I think i have just got to a stage where i don't want to have to use all my energy being strong anymore. Ive had to be strong all of my life, first with my mother, then with my husband and now with him. I'm just so tired. But i feel amazingly calm today i want to thank you and everyone else on MN for allowing me to open up about all this (this all started with the crap mum thread) its been so theraputic for me, it really has.

ifonlyhewould. sorry to jump in but maybe you live near someone on here that can be of help to you as in taking you and dd in for a break?

Thank you melminx, thats a lovely thought but i'm not sure it would work. This is a man who checks the mileage when i use the car and won't allow me a night out without a huge row and trashing my belongings. I really don't want to do anything that will cause things to get any worse. It may sound silly but the daily 'stuff' you learn to live with and to cope with but the 'big stuff' well, thats just terrible. I couldn't cope with that at the moment.

that i completely understand. think i would want to get away but wouldnt actually want to leave the house!

Thats how i feel. I would leave right now if i could, if everything was in place, but it's not yet and i don't want to upset the applecart so to speak.
All ive wanted to do this past week is shut myself away, not talk to anyone, not do anything. Just wallow in it really i think i need to wallow in it a bit to realise that what i tolerate is unaccpetable. I think ive reached rock bottom now, which in a way is good because the only way is up!

its great you are holding up so well and have a positive way of looking at things. I think having a meltdown is great a good cry and scream does wonders. I sent kids to mums for a few days and went for it.going to dh and belting him one helped a great deal too!

Wow you really are an amazing person and so strong with what you have dealt with in your life.

I'm so glad that you can finally see the way forward and have made the decision for yourself that you absolutely cannot go on living this way. You and your dd deserve so much more.

Keep doing what you're doing, one step at a time. E-mail if you're finding that easier than the telephone. Just do whatever you find easiest and don't feel pressured. Like you say, get everything in place and then you will have the strength to leave.

One day we will meet for a drink and raise a toast to your future, happy, relaxed, stress free life without this emotional bully. That's a promise!

Ifonlyhewould Hi just thought I would share a little of my experience since leaving DH 18 months ago. I eventually left with 3DD's with nowhere to go. Not advisable, but things had become so intolerable that I felt I had no choice. When we first left the relief to my soul and spirit was emence. The fear and worry for the future were huge, but oh the relief!! It's been very hard, making a home, settling the children, coping alone with everything, but all in all I'm glad that I took that step.

We are still no divorced, hopefully this will be complete shortly. I still have moments of gut wrenching sadness about everything, but I know I will come out of this because I am strong.

I wish you luck and strength of spirit to do whatever you decide you need to do. Even if that is that you decide to stay. Big {{hugs}}.