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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone left their DP/DH knowing it was for the best but still being in love with them?

762 replies

Ifonlyhewould · 27/03/2007 10:15

How did you get through it? Was it really for the best?

OP posts:
mylittlestar · 15/05/2007 15:02

lilybubble I'd go for hairy trucker for you

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 15/05/2007 15:06

We should do a MN 'wife swap'

Whoever got me would wonder what hit them!

OP posts:
lilybubble · 15/05/2007 15:08

Spot on, MLS!

mylittlestar · 15/05/2007 15:15

yes lets do the wife swap!

i'll send my dh to cashncarry - she'd kick his arse for me!!

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 15/05/2007 15:16

I was going to send mine there

Lets send em all there!!

OP posts:
mylittlestar · 15/05/2007 15:27

deal! cnc will be so pleased when she logs on later I'm sure!

melminx · 15/05/2007 16:06

lol @ wife swap but im selfish i think i willkeep mine

iohw want to scream im so happy for you xx

Has anyone heard from ernest yet? i didnt read her message either

MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 15/05/2007 16:46

LilyLoo - he didn't want me when I was pg either

Lilybubble - thanks for your lovely comment. I need to post a 'fat' piccy on thje MSN group - must stop hiding under old photos.

LilyLoo · 15/05/2007 20:38

Dior send him to cnc then

Cashncarry · 15/05/2007 21:00

Hello laydeez

I am so pleased we've decided to start a "CnC School for well-behaved DHs" - send 'em all to me - I will kick their collective arses for sure

IOHW - last email from you on Sunday - none since then [weeping like a baby emoticon] - I am ROFL at your getting excited over DH's "x" in his text - that's the kind of thing I would get excited about! DH is not really much of a texter - not to me anyway, he did pretty well with his ow If I send him a text, he'll just say "yes" or "ok" so I always save the ones that are nice - even if it says "ok baby" - how sad is that??

Dior - I must just say this and I will try to avoid the phrase "kick his arse" but is your DH clinically insane? You are flippin' gorgeous! If he's got a problem with wanting a woman with nothing to grab hold of, then he's the one with the problem not you. The more I hear from you, the less I am surprised at how much your flirtation with G affected you. You should definitely bring this up at your next relate session - hopefully your counsellor will boot his behind for me

Has anyone heard anything from Ernest? For some strange reason, she was on my mind today and I logged on specifically to see how she was doing [spooky faux-clairvoyant] - I hope she's ok...

MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 15/05/2007 21:03

Thanks CnC . I'm feeling crap this evening and that cheered me slightly.

Tanee58 · 16/05/2007 14:37

Hi everyone,

Getting a bit dizzy keeping up with all the threads - we all seem to be posting bits of ourselves on each others so I'm losing track of all the stories too - or am I getting old?

GUM, I know how you feel. My dp is actually very good natured when he's had too much - unless he's also going through a depressed period, like in early April. But I do worry about his two-bottle a night habit for health reasons. We were watching 'The Widow's Story' on TV last night, and dp said that he was sure I'd be a widow one day (I suggested he might have to marry me first) - and I said there was no guarantee as I'd already had one dose of cancer 10 years ago and there was no reason why I shouldn't have another - but I do fear that his liver won't last out if he regularly punishes it and if he dies of a drink related illness, I shall really kill him !!! I find it difficult to start preaching at him, as I like a drink too, but rarely to excess, and it seems hypocritical when I'm happy to peruse the bargains at Asda...

Tanee58 · 16/05/2007 14:46

Dior,

The ideal would be NEVER to become 'companions' in a no sex or cuddles way - no reason why one shouldn't feel passion into one's dotage - but laughter should, ideally, lead on to a great big hug - god, yes, we all need hugs, why don't some men realise this? It doesn't always have to be a preliminary to a legover! In Russian orphanages in the 1960s, they found that small babies that weren't cuddled just declined and - died - despite getting adequate food & warmth. Dp and I make it a point to give each other a hug and say those three little words once a day - and when he's on tour, I treasure the texts and save them until the rotten phone memory's full - one year I even wrote them all down in a notebook to read over on dark winter nights - how sad is that?

IOHW - still treasuring your text? Must say your attitude and the gel bra seem to be working miracles!

bagpus · 16/05/2007 15:10

I need help on getting a final decision and sticking to it. my ex still says we are together even though we haven't lived together since october, he left when i was 7 months pregnant after he'd been out 3 weekends in a row from sat morning til sun night without a word of where he was. Think i still love him but afraid i'm just afraid of consequenes of being alone. as i write this feel such a fool bin on my own for months he visits when he wants and is loving and nice evry so often so that i think there is a chance if i just try harder.

bagpus · 16/05/2007 15:10

I need help on getting a final decision and sticking to it. my ex still says we are together even though we haven't lived together since october, he left when i was 7 months pregnant after he'd been out 3 weekends in a row from sat morning til sun night without a word of where he was. Think i still love him but afraid i'm just afraid of consequenes of being alone. as i write this feel such a fool bin on my own for months he visits when he wants and is loving and nice evry so often so that i think there is a chance if i just try harder.

Tanee58 · 16/05/2007 15:19

Bagpus, I wouldn't make a decision just yet - you say it might work if YOU tried harder - but he visits 'when he wants' and is nice sometimes - so surely he should be trying too?

Did he say why he'd done a disappearing act those weekends?

Might be worth having some counselling first to see if he really wants to make it stick this time - particularly as you now have a baby involved.

mylittlestar · 16/05/2007 16:02

IOHW are you ok?

You have a lot to catch up on from my thread today! I'll try to catch you later. Hope everything's ok xx

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 16/05/2007 16:22

Hi MLS

Oh my good lord! What have i missed
Things are never dull in your house are they! Your sister is a star!! She should join our club!
I hope i get the myspace address too, boy, the fun we can have with that!!!

I'm ok thanks but get this..... DP came home last night and announced he is going to buy a chain saw! I couldn't contain my laughter! What with the freezer and the mincer I will have all the tools necessary for disposing of errant husbands!!
(PS the chain saw is for logs, we are changing the fire from gas to log burning, just in case it got you all wondering!)

Bagpuss my love, how do you possibly think you could try harder when he pops in and out of your life when he feels like it. He is taking liberties and you have to put a stop to this. If you have any chance of having a healthy relationship with this man, an equal relationship you have to stop letting him treat you like this.
Show him that you are worth more than the odd visit and the odd show of affection.
You don't have to fall out with him or think of it as final, just see it as retraining him
If it were me i would be telling him that as he obviously finds it so difficult to commit to me and our dc then I am 'letting him go'. I wouldn't tell him I was ending it and I never want to see him again because this may just cause him to put up his defenses and become argumentative. Letting him go indicates that you are doing it for him not for you. Then I would just make every effort to get on with my life, be happy and smiley when he came to see dd, be pleasant. I would take a step back and wait for him to make the next move. When you are no longer just a convenient drop in centre for him he will have to get his act together!!!

All this can be doing nothing at all for your self esteem, hanging around waiting for him to decided whether or not he sees you, whether he treats you nicely or not. You can't possibly try to make this work unles he is around to work with you.

Hi Tanee
Nice to hear from you. All seems good in your quarter.

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 16/05/2007 16:42

IOHW - yes things are good - dp's being very sweet - though stil getting through a phenomenol amount of wine. Where does he put it? He's slim and rarely seems obviously p**d. If I have more than a couple of glasses I either get hyper or I fall asleep (and put on pounds ). It helps that he's still not too mobile after his op - dancing with the cats took it out of him on Sunday night, though he did work on Monday but was washed out by the travelling.

As for yours and the chainsaw - - does he know he's furnishing you with all the equipment for your errant husbands storage business?

Bagpus, when your dp deigns to visit, do you always make a point of being at home? I would tell him, a few times, that you have other plans and it's not convenient, then arrange an alternative time. It seems he thinks you're just there at his beck and call - his comment that he thinks you are still 'together' implies this. And listen to IOHW's advice - she is an Oracle of Wisdom (all hail IOHW!! - she has a chain saw and freezer if all else fails !

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 16/05/2007 16:48

Ooh no Tanee, he has no idea. It was so funny!

Im pleased things are good for you now, lets hope it stays that way.
I can't believe how things are here. It wonderful. Not because its all lovey dovey or anything like that but because we are getting on so well. There has been no conflict or arguments whatsoever since I started all this. None at all. The atmosphere is so much nicer, so relaxed. Last night he even offered me the remote control so i could watch CSI in the living room (my absolute favourite programme. I wonder why ) He seems to want my company. We didn't talk to each other and we didn't sit together, we just watched tele but it was nice. I felt wanted.

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 16/05/2007 16:54

Aah that sounds so nice - companionable and with the frisson of sharp implements in the house! Glad things are going well with you too.

We sat up late and watched 'Best in Show' - hooted with laughter!

LilyLoo · 17/05/2007 20:07

IOHW so that why youv'e gone quiet on us , your basking in the warm glow of 'niceness' . I am really so happy it's such a fantastic achievement and so far removed from the op and seems to be getting better daily. Keep up the good work

mylittlestar · 23/05/2007 08:28

IOHW how are you doing? xx

Tanee58 · 24/05/2007 11:32

I think IOHW is too busy trying out her new chainsaw .

Just wanted to share with you all that I have just acquired my first compost bin!

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 24/05/2007 11:45

Hi Tanee

I posted on glam and fab thread last night. I'm back!

Ive ordered my first compost bin too! I'm excited too. Sad aren't we

Ive not been near the chain saw! It's a monster! Any 'orders' will have to be taken care of by hacksaw, i will get a new blade

OP posts:
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