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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone left their DP/DH knowing it was for the best but still being in love with them?

762 replies

Ifonlyhewould · 27/03/2007 10:15

How did you get through it? Was it really for the best?

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Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 09:30

Hi lilyloo

Im feeling amazing! I know some credit must go to the AD's but the rest goes to everyone on here for all their fantastic support.

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warthog · 30/03/2007 10:03

iohw, YOU deserve all the credit!

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 10:05

Thank you Warthog
Ive just had an email from council. They are posting me out application forms for council housing and a list of housing associations!! Oooh my tummy is feeling all funny! Things are happening!!

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LilyLoo · 30/03/2007 10:08

You are very brave. How lucky your DD is so lucky to have a mum like you. Shame your dh doesn't realise it. But you can move on this is just the beginning for you and your dd now. x

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 10:17

Awh bless you, thank you for that. I feel very lucky to have her. She is truly wonderful. No matter how brave a face i put on she always seems to sense when i need a hug, and there she is with one. So wise for her four little years

Unfortunately, he doesn't realise what he has in either me or dd. He is huffing at the moment because she is blanking him, she won't kiss him or go for a cuddle, let him put her to bed etc, she just wants me. He honestly seems unable to understand why! The thick pig!!

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LilyLoo · 30/03/2007 10:21

Well you and her will make a great team now. Guess he won't understand why you have left then when it comes to it either. But then you will be strong enough to know you have tried everything to help him and sadly some people can't or won't be helped.

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 10:30

Actually, i'm wondering if she won't go near him because she saw something a few weeks ago. He had been particularily awful and, despite trying very hard just to let it all go over my head, i started to ask him why, he hates this, being confronted with his actions and he lost his temper, started pushing me away, rather hard, then he grabbed my arms, rather hard, pushed me again then stormed out. DD was in bed at the time.
A couple of days later we were getting dresses and she saw the bruises on my forearms and said "thats where daddy grabbed your arms, like that" and did the actions of him grabbing my arms.
Yes it broke my heart to hear and yes i know that under no circumstances can i stay with him. I know i have to leave, not just for my sake but for dd too.
But i can't help but wonder if this is the reason she is being this way with her dad.

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Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 10:34

Gosh, i hate admitting all this. I don't want you thinking i am letting dd down by tolerating all this. I do do my utmost to aoid any confrontation and i do my best to make sure dd is never aware of anything that goes on.

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LilyLoo · 30/03/2007 10:40

IOHW you have nothing to be ashamed of. Of course you are trying to protect your dd but you shouldn't have to.You shouldn't let his behaviour go over your head. And in no way are you letting your dd down HE is. This will obv have a bearing on how she feels about her dad. You have made the first step in getting out of this relationship and you must continue for yours and your dd's sake. He sounds awful does he ever regret anything he's done.

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 11:29

To be honest, that last episode was quite bad, he made every effort to push me inot door frames, walls, anything. He just lost it. All because i had asked him why he was treating me like a lepor, what had i done. He just refuses to talk, he gets angry instead, then he blames me. Says its my fault for nagging him. After this last do he stromed out and didn't come home for 2 days, no contact whatsoever, it was awful but it was great IYSWIM. When he did come home he was like a little lamb, head down, hardly speaking but when he did it was so soft i could hardly hear it. He took to his bed for 2 days claiming he had flu, he just kept a low profile. Then when he was up and about, he bought me flowers!!!!! A first!! He never actually said the word 'sorry' but i assumed, like i always have to assume everything, that he was sorry, ashamed of himself and maybe this was a turning point. HAH!! Silly me! It wasn't long before he was back to his 'normal' self. He hasn't come near me physically since though, but there again i have just kept out of his way as much as possible and only spoken when ive known it was 'safe' to do so. But in answer to your question, no he has never ever said sorry for anything he has ever said or done to me, never, he never shows any remorse. He truly believes that its all my fault, like i'm a she devil!! Thats why ive ended up in this mess, ive spent all my energy trying to prove to him that i'm a nice, lovable person, that he doesn't have to treat me this way. Usually i just let it go and carry on but, after this last episode i started thinking, its getting worse now and i need to do something about it. Thats how i discovered MN, searching for relationship issues that were similar to mine, to see what other women have done/would do in my postition.

I'm waffling again! sorry for the delay too, i just had a mini melt down. This is the first time i have opened up to anyone about all of this. Its a crazy feeling letting it all out.

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lou33 · 30/03/2007 11:33

this is heartbreaking

please leave him

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 11:36

I am going to leave him lou. I admit i am scared and nervous but i am taking positive steps, albeit baby ones, thats the only way i can cope at the moment. I'm scared i'm going to crack up. It's only my dd that keeps me going.

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lou33 · 30/03/2007 11:42

of course you will be scared but you can do it, you really can, it's fear of the unknown that's all, but the unknown isnt always a bad place to go

whereabouts in the uk are you?

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 11:55

I live hudds.

Yes it is fear of the unknown. I also fear he won't leave me alone when i leave. That he starts being the nice, charming man i first met and that i will fall for it all over again. Not becuase i really want to be with him but because i feel i should, because i dare not say no actually. I know that sounds weak and silly and probably doesn't make sense to anyone else. It's like ive been 'conditioned' or 'brainwashed'.
Thats one of the reasons i am taking this one step at a time. I want to be strong enough in my own mind to be able to keep a distance.

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melminx · 30/03/2007 11:58

morning all. iohk. i hate to ask but do you think he may be possibly having an affair? sorry i know your hurting as it is. hope your ok sorry.

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 12:00

This sounds really weak but he has such an authorative air about him, he makes me feel like a naughty child when he speaks to me, i honestly do feel like a little girl being talked to by a domineering parent. He barks his orders and i just do as i'm told. If i have an objection or my own opinion he doesn't like it. He used to go into a sulk for weeks at a time. He would not speak one single word to me. Totally ignores me. The longest this happened was for 3 weeks. Then he just starts talking, as if nothing happened. And the relief you feel when he starts talking again is immense, i feel like the happiest woman in the world! Things are ok again.

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Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 12:02

morning melminx - i have thought that often. I honestly don't know. He does disappear for hours on end at the weekend but he does just go off and do his own thing so i don't know.
I am beginning to feel more and more that he is pushing me away, that he doesnt want me around. It will be interesting to see what happens and what he says when i do eventually tell him i'm leaving.

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LilyLoo · 30/03/2007 12:07

i think it's very brave of you to tell everyone here the ins and outs of your relationship. With this i think you will be able to reread this thread when you leave him and you will wonder why you put up with it for so long. You can do this for you and your dd. He has belittled you for so long he has taken your confidence away. But i can see it's coming back slowly. Be strong you CAN do it.x

lou33 · 30/03/2007 12:11

it doesnt sound silly, i identify with a lot of what you say wrt my exh

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 12:12

Thank you lilyloo i woke up this morning feeling i could take on the world! Even join the PTA!

Then a bit more comes out. Its like i'm dealing with it in chapters. There's a couple more I have to deal with but i'm not brave enough for that yet.

I'm just glad i have my own room. I have spent years longing for him to want me. At the moment i can't stand the sight of him.

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melminx · 30/03/2007 12:17

iohw from evertything you have said its sounds like serious mental abuse. the guy is seriously trying to take every last piece of confidence you have away from you. Im so pleased you are stronger than that. It does seeem also like his fighting with his own guilt but rather than admit what a shit he is he convinces himself that your wrong. How would he feel if a man treated your dd like this when she is older?

LilyLoo · 30/03/2007 12:22

PTA.
Can't believe your first post was only Tue. Look how much you've said already. Take it a step at a time. How long you been on the ad's ?

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 12:27

melminx during a brave moment i have said exactly that to him about dd.
I just don't understand him, it gives me a headache trying to work him out. He just seems to think he is untouchable and he has a god given right to do and say as he pleases.
He doesn't actaully talk that much at all, he won't sit and converse. He really is strange.
But when we have visitors or he is in the company of others he is like a different man. I did an internet search trying to work all this out too and i came across a Narcissistic personality site. He has a lot of the traits. It was quite an eyeopener. Apparantly the only people they love are themselves.

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melminx · 30/03/2007 12:32

i think your amazingly brave with the patience of a saint to have put up with this man for so long. There are refuges that can help you escape they will protect to and eventually find you a nice safe home to leave in peace with your dd. You can have his access supervissed at special centres and they can make him wait at centres half hour after you have left so that he cant follow you. You are so strong. Your little girl will grow up very proud of you x

Original poster
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 12:57

First post might only have been tuesday lilyloo but ive been plucking up courage for ages!! Ive been advising on other threads and thinking i should be taking my own advice.
Started taking the ad's a week a go but they just seemed to kick in yesterday

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